Renegade (WANTED custom)

Custom I decided to settle on. Most of this is tailored to sticking points I’ve either encountered or things I wanted to be more mindful of.

The overall theme and goal in this custom is to forge my own path and let go of this need to fit in within the conventional sense. Also to embrace my own inner power and stop manipulative people and situations in their tracks. I generally like WANTED more than Ascension, Ascension had a tendency to make me overly aggressive but I didn’t know how to channel it. WANTED is more of a cold detached vibe which works better with conflict or dealing with people. Plus of course the physical shifting in WANTED is something I’m interested in. And also looking to overcome my hangups around sex in general.

It’s definitely more of an experimental approach. I have some modules in there to counter balance things like Furious Ascent. It’s a hard approach, but I’m trying to keep it balanced so I don’t end up with panic attacks or something. More like gradual progression into realizing freedom vs pushing myself into situations I’m not ready for and damaging myself worse.

Ultimately at the core of my being I want something more out of the world, but over the years I’ve been stuck. It’s going to be both a gentle and firm approach to my growth. I don’t know if this is what I need, but given my tendency to avoid I think focusing more on forward progression vs internal healing is ideal for me.

Sexiness Unbound
Furious Ascent
Inner Voice
Natural Winner
Epigenetics and DNA modulator
The merger of worlds
Stress Displacement
Negativity Displacer
Joie de Vivre
Gratitude Embodiment


I felt like posting this just as a reminder for myself. 2 days ago I did some pretty strong stretching of my psoas and hip flexors. I was reading how the constant tightness can actually cause a feedback loop of being stuck in fight or flight despite positive thinking.

Well I did too much. I almost felt like vomiting and I had the most upsetting feelings come up. It felt like being alone and dying all rolled up into a panic attack. I’m pretty certain I unleashed trauma I wasn’t able to process.

But it showed me there’s a lot lurking underneath I still can’t consciously grasp. I can’t power through it, I need to be patient with myself.

Striking the balance between being bold and challenging my reality vs not triggering past trauma so much I become non functional hasn’t been easy. A lot of my life has been “nobody cares, suck it up, just do it”. I’m trying to give myself space to have new experiences that I learn and grow from vs doing things out of obligation or powering through them.

That’s one thing that always annoyed me. People always act like if you do something over and over it gets easier. It doesn’t if the mechanism for doing those things is invalidating your own emotional distress. And that’s essentially what I’ve done for years to survive. I got better at the mechanical process of things while detaching further from life.

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Man this custom smacked me hard. Definitely a difference between trying to be what you want to be with the sub vs actually embodying it. I had a nice little cushion I had created for myself so I felt better. But I realized yet again I’m trying too hard to be something to avoid something else. When you don’t want to shatter an illusion you’ve created in your head that holds up your self worth you don’t grow. Whether that’s a skill or who you are as a person, you have to be able to be open to criticisms. That’s never been me. I’d rather hold up some tightly controlled fantasy than be crushed after having that fantasy shattered.

Despite dropping UA, my troubles with music came up in my therapy session. We’re going to be working on it more next week. I’ve got a lot of dysfunctional stuff about me, but is it weird that if I could just write music fluidly and consistently those things wouldn’t matter as much? Maybe that’s more avoidance of people. This is why I included Furious Ascent, not to be a risk taker but to avoid comfort zones. I will latch onto them and never let go.

My therapist has also been making the suggestion that I still have discomfort being with myself. Of course during my sessions I’m like “yeah maybe, hard to tell”. But after I’m done I’m like “Yeah I can’t really stand being around myself”. For whatever reason I’d rather think of a 1000 other convoluted explanations vs addressing the simple fact that deep down I really do not like myself. It’s not all encompassing, it’s not my entire identity, but it holds a strong emotional weight inside me that influences all my actions.

When I look out to my future or even in the present moment I don’t see opportunity. I see prevention. I calculate all the ways I can get out the other side with the least amount of emotional pain. My life has largely been lived on the defensive. I try to be positive and hopeful but I’m starting to see this isn’t something I can just think my way out of better. My subconscious is convinced I’m in danger 24/7. And lately I can’t get a good grasp on external reality because my internal state so very often projects the worst.

I’m going to start reading the book Scattered Minds. I’ve been afflicted with ADHD symptoms for a while. But the more I’ve uncovered in therapy the more I see my childhood wasn’t healthy. I’m open to the possibility it’s all trauma based vs a physical aspect of my brain.

I think the hardest part for me with these subs is the action part. Due to what I struggle with action isn’t a question of willpower. It’s part of a recurring pattern in my life of procrastinating and numbing out. So I have a tendency to think the only valuable actions are ones that take place in the world. So when I fail to work on music or elevate my life in any way I feel like I’m failing in general. This is the second time failure has come up this week so I think the Natural Winner module is tugging at some painful past experiences.


Trying lower volumes on this custom because it’s really kicking my ass.

I think listening at night is messing up my sleep too. The processing brings up too much emotional stuff. The thing is when I’m conscious I can regulate it. When I’m sleeping my mind just goes full fight or flight. You’d think it would be the opposite that without the conscious mind in the way I could process better at night, but I don’t think that’s the case. Find myself tossing and turning, curled up into fetal position when I wake up with a lot of anxiety. I didn’t really make the connection between my poor sleep and listening schedule until today. Prior to this I used to listen in the morning and just deal with stuff while at work which also kind of sucked.

Rough adjustment period definitely. During this time I’m also digging into potential sources of trauma. The book I’m reading has been bringing up a lot of pain points.

Once again my dive into WANTED shows it’s not just a sub for a light hearted seduction of women. It’s in the name. WANTED. My internal state is very much unwanted and has been for most of my life. We’re not slapping a nice coat of paint on top of this beat up body and calling it a day.

So I’m facing a lot of stuff. One of them is the worry that when I do reach a point of intimacy with women I’m gonna be emotionally stunted because I’m not like a lot of other guys that get into a relationship to fulfill their emotional needs. I’ve hidden mine, seen them as a source of shame, representing a lack of independence or a sign of neediness. It’s a lot like when I was learning to allow anger or express assertiveness, I was convinced I was on the road to being some awful person. The reality was it was a normal healthy level I just wasn’t used to. Same thing with affection or opening up, I perceive it as weakness or not taking care of my own needs and looking for something outside of myself. The reality is it’s a healthy level of expression for a basic human need I might have learned to suppress over the years.

Just a lot of stuff that serves as a barrier to being attractive that doesn’t have much to do the physical. Ultimately I don’t want to be in a position where I potentially hurt a woman emotionally because she’s drawn in by the coquettish effects of WANTED but I have the emotionally maturity of a hurt child.


I haven’t dated in so long that I have no idea how I’d do at it right now.


Hmmm…but one thing I can say is that it’s often better to break tasks down into specific skills than to apply global, general labels to yourself.

For example, saying ‘I’m immature’ creates this vague mountain of Maturity that needs to be climbed, and gives lots of opportunities to continually move the goal post every time you make progress.

On the other hand, saying ‘I am working on my boundary setting skills’ is better. Or even better, ‘When a woman is interested in me, but I am not interested in her, I want to have 3 or 4 options for how to respond’.

Now the emphasis moves from ‘Transforming Yourself’ to being able to handle this specific situation (which of course will also end up transforming yourself).

Now, am I going to actually apply any of that? Only you, the reader, will find out in next month’s issue…


I think as I identify things more this is a valid strategy. My problem is it’s all very ambiguous right now. I’ve never been particularly good with any types of relationships. I can’t even really concretely pinpoint what this emotional immaturity is. Closest I can get is just having extreme discomfort around intimacy. But at the same time I can’t be open about that with a woman because sharing that necessitates the need to be comfortable expressing this stuff. So it’s a bit of a catch 22.

It’s confusing stuff because I’m now rubbing up against developmental stuff I never really learned on an intuitive level. I’ve watched everyone in my life around me figure this out except me. I’m wondering if it’s just because I avoid while they gravitate towards relationships. The difference between seeking and fulfilling a need vs me just avoiding further pain.

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Wow, these are some deep posts lol, it seems like you’re working through a lot of stuff.

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Layers of this stuff man it’s crazy. I come from a past where I tried to spiritually bypass all this. For as long as I’ve been running subs I’ve never been able to touch it. I think zero point is the only thing that’s given me the opportunity to dig deeper for real change. For whatever reason this custom really cracked it. And I’m left wondering, damn all those years of self growth and I never hit any of this?


Lol yeah, it’s okay a lot of people try to spiritually bypass this stuff.

People who don’t have their fundamentals straight that start going into spiritually… well that’s where all the crazy shit happens (spiritual elitism/ego, god complexes, savior complexes, etc).

When a beta-male (traumatized male) goes into spirituality, they integrate everything through their traumatized framework so that it all fits together like a neat little puzzle.

This is why I tell people to have fundamentals first, like overcoming past traumas and having self-love or self-worth lol.

I can relate, lol. I spent like 4 years getting absolutely nowhere until I finally started to see some change.

It might upset you in ways like “damn I wish I had this earlier” or “damn I wasted all that time” but eventually you don’t care. Eventually you get everything you want and you’re so immersed in enjoying everything and the present moment, that you can’t even bother to get upset over the past. Only thing that really matters is the Now, lol.

I don’t know if that helps but either way, cheers to your results hahaha


Well unpacking this stuff had definitely made me more aware of where the true growth comes from with these subs. Moving forward I’m going to make sure my recon is clear or at a manageable level before listening to another loop for the week.

Much like what my therapist said the other week about being uncomfortable around myself, I think I have a tendency to keep piling on the sub exposure in order to delay the deep dives into myself. And I’m not even doing anything crazy, just the standard listening schedule at 3 minute loops. But it’s a bit like being a workaholic. Workaholics don’t give themselves space because they’re avoiding either themselves or a situation.

Fun stuff. Just realized today at my job my childhood pattern of putting everyone else’s emotional needs before mine was showing up in my job. I’m putting a stop to that. I’ve also realized people were taking advantage of that. No more.

New tier 1 techs I’m onboarding are getting hired with a starting pay equal to what I’m making and I’m now a lead. Boss is working on my raise, but ultimately we’re at the mercy of higher ups. I’m not being given a solid answer. If they want to play this game of chicken for rightful compensation and think I need them more than they need me they’re sorely mistaken. I’ll never understand businesses who would rather burn a long term employee, get them to resign, then pay the same value for a replacement who doesn’t know the company like I do.

The ball is in their court now. For the time being they get what they pay for and nothing more.


Lots of shifts. So much discomfort. I’m still not breaking my dissociative habits yet. But the thoughts and feelings are there. I’m tired after work and I find myself being discontent with just binging a TV show and relaxing. I used to rationalize it as being good for me to rest after work and technically I did work all day. But deep down I know I’d rather be building my life in another direction. I think this weekend I’ll revisit my old isometrics training routine I used to follow and add that to my after work routine. Built my incredibly low budget double end bag with a tennis ball and shock cord, so I’ll start working in some boxing as well.

I bought a laptop stand for my MPC so it’s more easily accessible and comfortable to use. Organizing my cabling and seeing what I can do to improve accessibility to my music equipment. So the intent is making its way through.

Spoke to my boss today regarding pay. I dropped a number 80k salary. A few months ago I would have been too timid to drop that number. But I’m not working anymore just to scrape by, especially when the demands of the company outweigh the compensation. And I’m at a point in my life where I don’t feel the need to measure myself up to others in this field. I’m not gonna play that game anymore, I have my standards and companies fulfill that full stop or I move on. If people bullshit their way to higher paying jobs all the time then I’m not gonna stress this anymore. This is all just a game and status and social hierarchies are an illusion. I’m gonna be above that and just stop caring.

I’m really frozen is the best way I can describe it. I don’t plan well and I execute even more poorly. I’m stuck in a fight or flight response but on a chronic low level. This comfort zone is killing me, quite literally. I find myself having an aversion to leaving my apartment at all and I was excusing it away. But this echoes my earlier life agoraphobic tendencies. I’m slowly breaking free but it’s a lot of back and forth. Feeling good when thinking of doing bigger things then a feeling of constriction and panic. Not easy

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One thing I’ve come to notice is that depending on what goes on in my day it’ll influence my ability to be ready for more sub exposure. Like yesterday I was fully intending on listening again since it’s already been two days, but by the end of the day I had some difficult feelings coming up. I decided it would be best not to fill my head with more processing.

It’s been difficult because I feel like I’m avoiding hard work, but I think I just have to learn to distinguish the difference between avoidance vs considering my own needs. I still push myself too much at times and it only serves to hurt me.

I also confronted some heavier stuff with my therapist 2 days ago so that could be stacking as well.

I’m still trying to push my comfort zone but without this inner disdain or hatred for myself that fuels it. I fall into this trap all the time, thinking I need to redefine myself from the ground up vs just giving me space to be myself and explore who I am.

I can feel the two mindsets within me. When I’m actively listening to the sub there’s a push for things. But when I reach rest days it settles from the surface and mingles with my deeper core self. Unfortunately some of the concepts mix about as well as oil and water. That’s why I added merger of worlds because I knew I’d need to strengthen that bridge. To understand subconscious based needs, but also to communicate back to the subconscious for growth purposes.


Had a rather dysfunctional day today. I was planning on doing a few things and did none of them. One of which was building up my isometrics workout routine. I just said screw it and did a workout from what I remembered. Sad to say that’s the most exercise my body has gotten in years. So I’ll keep trying to put together a routine but I won’t make it necessary for actually doing the workouts. Something is better than nothing, even if it’s not ideal it’s still exercise.

Finally confronting my financials. I have the ostrich method. Which is essentially me burying my head in the sand and trying not to be stupid with money. It’s filled me with a lot of anxiety because I never actually have a clear idea of my financial state. I’m also very number blind. Numbers don’t have a lot of meaning in my head, so I over or under estimate a lot. Fun fact ostriches do not in fact bury their heads in the sand, that was just built up from observation of a behavior. One of those things people say all the time and seems factual but isn’t. But anyway I feel like crap because I’m coming to terms with the fact I don’t have budgeting skills at all and despite saving a decent chunk of money it was all based in fear and uncertainty.

But ultimately if I was in a worse financial situation I guess it worries me because i definitely lack financial aptitude.

Experimenting with super low volume and 5 minute loops. I did that earlier this week and was pleasantly surprised. I’m not feeling as much recon and thoughts and behaviors are sort of creeping in without me trying to consciously steer them. Which is pretty much the goal of subconscious programming.

I don’t know if it’s the volume and my reaction to it emotionally or more of a subliminal effect on the subliminal. I just know a part of me insists on listening louder to “hear” more. But by continuing with a low volume it’s like it cant interject and protect by picking apart the script. I don’t know it’s really weird. I can’t tell if this overly critical side is conscious or subconscious. But it serves as a gatekeeper from getting to lower levels that need the very subconscious programming I’m trying to instill.