Musical Genesis+LoTS+SSX

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#21

My music setup is so eclectic right now. I’ve got a 4 track cassette recorder from the 80s that adds some really interesting character. But my brain is getting tied in knots how to get it to fit in my workflow. No doubt cognitive drop off from those 5 minutes I ran the other day. I’m taking a second rest day today then gonna see how I feel tomorrow.

I can feel the gears turning in my brain trying to optimize my setup for myself for creativity. My biggest issue is I can’t really play anything straight through like a skilled musician. So it’s a lot of best takes, overdubbing, and sequencing. But I’m gonna be messing with some more live performance stuff and record that. It’s still all gonna be pre-sequenced but I can improvise what plays, what harmonies come in, which drum loops, stuff like that. I think it’ll help me break out of this overly rigid controlling thing I do while making stuff. Improvising live there’s no time to worry about making mistakes.

Elaborate compositions have always been my weakness. But even moreso now that I don’t use a DAW. I was useless in a DAW though, too many options my brain couldn’t filter out. So even though it was very flexible and fast, I’d get stuck. Still don’t know how some people create the things they do, I’ve got a very big mental hurdle when it comes to bigger things and ideas.

#22

I think SSX was the right call for me. Reflecting on my WB experience more, I wanted those things but I didn’t want them at the same time. Too much too soon with no way to moderate it. I was fighting the goals of the sub. I think I just really needed to go at my own pace and WB was too 0-100 for me.

I’ve got an avoidant attachment style. In hindsight running a sub that doubles down on remaining mysterious probably wasn’t a good idea. I was using that as an excuse not to make connections and then deceiving myself that I was making progress. Overall there needs to be a bridge for me from this avoidance to positive experiences. I think SSX will help me with doing that without putting unnecessary pressure on myself.

There’s a continual pattern in my life of telling myself what I should be able to do vs looking inside and finding out what I’m capable of in that moment in time. Every time I disregard this I hurt myself a bit.

I had a situation at work the other day, without going into specifics it basically triggered me into old childhood trauma. I basically speed ran some emotional processing with my therapist yesterday that connected me more to a child part of myself that wanted protection. Now I’m feeling better about helping a part of myself vs throwing myself through the mud for not being stronger and getting stuck in trauma patterns.

#23

Ran 30s today for my stack. I think I just have this massive fear of life passing me by. So I have a tendency to end up overdoing it thinking I need it or that it will push me along faster. But whether I run 30s or 5 minutes it’s gonna be the same results because it’s all about what I take from the subliminal and utilize in my life.

I want to skip over it because I feel short changed or screwed over. Like I have to make up for lost time. But I’m trying to let this go because it leads me to bad decisions and overall bad treatment of myself. I felt like all these unwanted emotions were the barrier in my way to success. The barrier was me not holding the space for these things and trying to shove them away.

As with most realizations I come across, there’s nothing really profound in it. It’s actually quite mundane. Simple in theory, but the challenge is integrating it and building experience with it. I don’t even really want to say practice, practice seems inorganic, it’s more like ongoing discovery and inner understanding.

I just know it’s been difficult working within my capabilities and there’s always been this constant shame hanging around that I couldn’t do more with my life. But I’m letting that go now too and prioritizing my well being over everything else.

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#24

I’m not one to romanticize growth through pain or celebration of struggle. It just is, it doesn’t inherently mean anything to me. I used to think my pain made me more empathetic, now I see the empathy was always there. Pain just restricted me to a narrow channel of communication and bonding. I used to think the deep mental struggles forged my character, but they didn’t it was just wounds I was trying to figure out. I used to think the culmination of all this would lead to a massive transformation, a complete revolutionizing of who I am. And it doesn’t.

But that’s ok. That was the story I had to tell myself to survive. If I couldn’t see light at the end of the tunnel there was nothing keeping out the darkness. A new era of growth for me is unfolding. One that doesn’t involve constant struggle, feeling weak, or helpless. It’s one that doesn’t rely on cliches and tropes that are often passed around. It’s not anchored in an identity of being some kind of wounded hero and deriving my self worth out of overcoming those challenges.

Sometimes I find myself grasping for some kind of silver lining to my life and my experiences. But I think it’s important to face the truth. Some things in life don’t have an upside, they can’t be spun towards the positive. It’s more damaging to try to weave an elaborate tale for myself to make myself feel better vs facing these deep feelings. So long as they remain unacknowledged they’ll just continue to pull from behind the scenes and influence my life.

It’s about leaving an entire worldview behind and embracing a new unknown one I have to explore. And that is a little frightening for 2 reasons. 1. I realize I don’t really know the world around me, at all. 2. It’s an acknowledgement of how limited of an existence I’ve been living for years.

#25

Having said that I still notice difficulties. This Genesis custom I’m running is interesting. Even though it’s got music related modules in it, it’s less about productivity and more about letting go of the barriers to self expression. Self expression has been a really inconsistent thing with me throughout my life. Like an on off tap vs a constant stream that weaves through life.

There’s been a lull in my creativity, even a heightened anxiety when I think of finishing something or starting something new. In the past I’d fight through these feelings and try to create. But over the years I’ve realized the anxiety and underlying stress inhibits creative flow. These days I take what I can get, some days are better than others. I’m not waiting till I’m 100% to start creating, not at all. It’s just some days I know it’s better I don’t. I’m trying to honor that and rebuild my relationship with music.

I’m still going through some stuff. Really digging to confront things so my life going forward isn’t just temporary bandaids of being productive and forcing myself to do things.

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#26

I’m open to the idea of resources coming into my life to help me on my journey. But I’m also highly skeptical of what I let in. I found a free video online, guy was talking about the psychology behind music production blocks all that. 2.5 hours. Yesterday I sat down to watch it, made it an hour in, thought I was learning useful shit. I popped it open today, started watching some, said fuck it and skipped around to see what value it had for me. None. It was just productivity porn. The guy was just stating the obvious, I already knew all this stuff. I’m not saying he didn’t have value, I’m sure he helped someone that was less aware. But that’s never been my issue.

He also had online courses or a membership program and I was like “maybe this would be good for me, maybe I need to learn more from skilled people”. But then I checked his music, meh not my taste. Then he has a whole label with some of his students appearing on it, wasn’t super impressed by those either. That’s just me though, I’m not gonna criticize someone else’s music but I have my taste and preferences. I’m not gonna take advice from someone who’s finished products I don’t even vibe with.

I already quit another course I signed up for a few months back in an optimistic state of mind and thought I could get something out of it, I didn’t. I don’t like paint by number approaches, guidelines, or linear processes that guarantee a certain outcome when it comes to music. Maybe that’s a flaw in my thinking, idk. Yeah you can streamline your process, make templates, put out a quantity of work to compete for attention with the 1000s of others doing the same thing. But what’s the point? Once I hear someone talking about music as being a product to market I check out mentally. Maybe that’s holding me back, maybe that’s my idealistic tendencies clashing with the world we live in, maybe it’s an insecurity, maybe I really don’t know at this point.

It pisses me off. Moreso towards myself. I have this fierce individuation, but the fucking irony is I don’t even really know myself that well. So I don’t know how that works. Am I afraid of losing myself? Getting taken advantage of? Being forced to conform to things that I’m opposed to? It just has me reflect on all the times in my life I subverted my own feelings and ideas and ended up with outcomes that never did shit for my own life. Maybe I just have issues with authority figures.

#27

Lots of anger. Hopefully nobody decides to overstep my boundaries this week at work. My patience for petty stuff goes way down when I’m in this mood.

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#28

Through this really big emotional upheaval I finally decided to start listening to The Artist’s Way. It’s been recommended at quite a few points in my life and I never picked it up. Going to see how this goes.

Other than that my job got back to me about my proposed salary. They said they could meet me at 85k and then work up from there based on more responsibilities. And it agitated me because I’ve already been taking on some of those responsibilities. And it’s just dangling the carrot, “show us you’re worth it and we’ll keep it in consideration to pay you more” nah fuck that. I’m not playing that game. The deal was 120k to tolerate the bs that would come my way, not compromise, take on bs, and work my way up to more responsibilities to hit the salary I actually wanted.

I’m turning it down and sticking to my current responsibilities AND not giving out any more freebies. If there are gaps they’re gonna have to figure out how to fill them, not me. I’m also gonna work on making the guys under me lives easier and jobs enjoyable because at least that motivates me. And if I can really nail that skill I’ll have more to put on my resume vs getting loaded up with responsibilities that have me scattered from this promotion.

Ranting aside. I’m sticking to what I’ve got, keeping a roof over my head, and focusing on pivoting my life into what I actually care about and not just survival. I don’t even want any more responsibilities, I have nothing to prove, that insecurity is slowly fading away. I ask myself is taking this pay raise and responsibilities going to add to my quality of life? No. So I’m not doing it. Simple as that. Done. Not gonna second guess this one.

It’s about time I just took a step back. Praised myself for taking care of myself and pulling myself out of all the shit I’ve dealt with over the years. Then coast and build what I want to build, not what others want.

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#29

Been really stewing on this one. This is about me, my decision. And what I’ve realized the most is I have voices in my head telling me what to do. My parents, this company, my boss, etc. all these other opinions and views which don’t mean anything. This is how I got into the mess I was in for most of my life, by disregarding my own feelings.

Even if I grabbed 100k after negotiations, is that money going to fulfill anything in me? Sure it’ll be nice for a bit, being able to buy more food for myself, save some, feel like I can comfortable spend on me for some music gear. But really how long would that last? 2 months? 3? Before I realize the monetary gain wasn’t worth the stress.

I know me at this stage of the game. I’ll procrastinate on stuff I have no interest in doing at my job, get stressed, then have to battle to focus, then beat myself up for not excelling at a role I didn’t even want in the first place.

Thing is they thought I wanted this role, whoops. I mean I did too at first. But maybe I was riding a high, maybe I was tuned out to my feelings, whatever it is my decision changed. Like I said before that imposter syndrome might have been pressuring me to prove myself and take on more responsibility. But it wasn’t a genuine desire or feeling within me.

Damn, trusting yourself can be difficult.

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#30

Artist’s Way has been calling me out. I got to a section about “Shadow artists”. Basically artists who haven’t fully embraced themselves AS artists and work in adjacent fields or compromise. It can be someone who promotes artists or it can be artists that work for someone else. Best example of this for me is when I was debating shifting my career into making music for commercials or tv shows or youtube shorts something like that. I’d be making products for other people but still wouldn’t be in a role as an artist except in my personal time. I still wouldn’t find fulfillment. It’s like trying to get the energy of creativity and artistic alignment in a safe off the side way without fully committing.

It’s hard work either way. Might as well put in the extra bit of hard work and dig deeper to get to the end goal of what I REALLY want. Not this bs compromise mindset I was raised with.

I kind of want to rebuild my custom and put UA in it too. I might do that. Gonna put in a support ticket for that to see how it would work out. I like Genesis for its overall sort of broad focus and covering stuff I might miss. But no doubt in my mind my deepest desire is music. I can’t keep letting other things take priority over that, I can’t let people keep getting in my head about it.

#31

You sound cool.

And this reminds me that I was intending to reflect on Genesis in my latest post. Just forgot to.

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#32

Mood right now

[mod edit: forbidden word in song title]

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#33

I spoke with my boss, declined the promotion with tact. He had no issues with it and thanked me for being honest.

I’ve been jerked around at this company so much sometimes I get super reactive to how I’m treated sometimes. But he’s chill and understood where I was coming from.

So I’m feeling good in my decision. Work culture is tough man. The top view is perceived as managers, but not everyone wants to be there. I almost got pulled into that. Just because I COULD do a good job in that position doesn’t mean I want to or have to. And it’s easy for people to see me excel in certain areas and completely overlook the other aspects that I would struggle with that would be essential. They also aren’t me, so they don’t understand what it’s like to perform those tasks.

I think this is the first big decision I’ve made in a long time fully trusting myself and acknowledging my needs. So I consider it a pretty big win.

#34

I got such an urge to run Stark Black. But I asked myself, do I want the objectives of the sub or do I want the validation that comes with being someone like that? It was the second. Which I guess you can use as motivation? But it’s falling into that same WB trap I ran into. I like the idea of it, but probably not the reality of how it manifests for me.

I’m still trying to figure out what subs are a match for me. None of the archetypes feel like they “fit” me. I just know UA was one I had no problem embracing fully. Is a seductive artist an archetype? I feel like that’s what I’m shooting for on some level. Embracing creativity in my life, being less sexually inhibited, meeting women for more lighthearted exploration and experiences. Even that’s super vague.

It’s been hard because I’m still in the process of understanding who I am and what I want. I don’t really have that. And I’ve realized with these subs you need that. You can’t just run one and force yourself into becoming something just for the sake of it.

It’s definitely cool we have all these options here. But it’s taken me a while to realize and be ok with the fact that I don’t need to run some titles here. I’m not missing something or need to be more of a certain way. I think I tend to do better with subs that are more flexible or less focused that I can use to help me explore myself. Which explains why Genesis has been my favorite so far.

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#35

I’m on my 5 day rest period. Recons hitting hard. Not gonna lie, I’m feeling like a clown for running SSX. Why? It’s just my dating life and relationships has always been a joke. Being this naturally attractive seductive person is so far out of the realm of my life experience.

But it’s what I want. I want to be the best version of myself and have that be attractive. I want to be a living breathing piece of art, that expreses itself in infinite ways. In contrast to the stupid crap I always get caught up in my head.

It’s clear for most of my life I wasn’t cool or popular. I wasn’t with the in crowds. I was an outcast. But over the years I’ve learned to embrace the idea of being on the outside. Above all the social games and status shit. I’m still in a refinement period, just because that was me back then doesn’t mean I have to carry it with me now. But it’s very obvious that the past exclusion weighs heavy on me and I still have to work though it. Maybe more of the untouchable module here mixing with SSX. Regardless I’m digging at deep stuff today.

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#36

I’ve been trying to reframe stuff lately. For a lot of my life I’ve spent an excess amount of time exposing my weaknesses and hammering myself to overcome them. And I’m at a point now where I truly believe this is more of a trauma response than anything. If I spent more of my life valuing my qualities I did have and ignoring the criticisms of others, I’d have more trust in my ability to navigate this world on my terms. Instead what I got was being systematically taught to question myself at every turn and never trust my own viewpoints.

You know, you don’t fit a box, people panic, try to shove you in the box otherwise you’re doomed. And the irony is, by not accepting those differences that’s what causes the struggle.

Sometimes the only thing going through my head is “I need to make enough money so I don’t die or end up homeless”. I’m working on breaking that. It’s hard living in a world where just one tiny set of different circumstances sent someone on a trajectory that makes it harder to pull out of. I think for me I exhibit a lot of dysfunctional behavior where if circumstances were worse for me I’d be in a lot of trouble. It’s hard to shake that. That’s why I put safety net in my custom, I just want to feel like none of this can be pulled out from under my feet at any given moment.

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#37

Rebuilt my custom, some slight tweaks. Just ordered it today. Biggest change is including UA. I’ve been pretty happy with my module choice, it’s been a bit difficult but I know some of the healing I need to go through. I was thinking about making a 100% focused music custom to really nail my goals but my emotional health and music are so deeply intertwined it made more sense to do it like this.

Newest inclusions I’ve never run before are Discordia Deliverance and Light of Humility. I’m incredibly judgemental of others and jealous. I’ll also routinely find myself looking for some flaw or questioning their skill and comparing it to my own. It’s really toxic shit. I know where it comes from, the insecurities I hold within myself and this desire to always be further along than I am in something because I hate the fact I’ve struggled for so much of my life I wasn’t able to build what I wanted. It’s also a lot of judgement towards myself which I’m hoping to cut down on.

Genesis Core
Ultimate Artist Core
New Learning Experience Core
Psyche Augmentation
New Dawn
Foundation
Inner Voice
Untouchable
Courage Reclaimed
Divine Self-Image
Ultimate Music Producer
Virtuoso di Musica
Path of Forgiveness
Homeostasis
Pride Unbroken
Safety Net
Natural Winner
Discordia Deliverance
Light of Humility
Gratitude Embodiment

#38

Giving LOTS a spin tonight. Before I started running this I was getting back into doing pushups, nothing crazy. But I pretty much haven’t worked out in about 6 years. I used to go hard with bodyweight and kettlebell routines. Pretty much followed boxing/mma style conditioning. But it wasn’t sustainable because I didn’t actually enjoy any of it. i also let my ego get the best of me by taking on workouts I had no business jumping right into. Was also way too judgemental of my progress, I had a lot working against me.

So the goal is just to do anything at this point. Anything is better than nothing. And i think I can do that lol. Looking forward to the physical shifting, but honestly just the motivation scripting from this sub is the best thing for me right now.

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#39

Had an epiphany today regarding more focused titles. I’ve struggled a lot with sense of self. A few years back I had noticed I’m like a chameleon in social situations. Very easily subtly altering myself to fit, an extension of people pleasing. Media also influences me. Sometimes when I get done watching a TV show or movie I subconsciously start showing similar traits. Or even music.

As powerful as the more focused titles are I think I perceive them as invasive or a threat to my sense of self. Like I don’t want to get lost in them. It’s hard to describe. Very clearly ZP is about flexibility and adapting the title to yourself as much as possible. But that internal core of me is relatively weak so it struggles with making decisions or how to adapt the scripting for my own needs.

I’ve had to make a serious conscious effort to respect my own opinions and feelings vs yielding to what others say. I think the same thing happens with more focused titles for me, I feel pressured to completely change myself but in an unhealthy way.

I definitely can’t run artisan titles. They involve a level of self understanding and groundedness I lack. So for now I’ll keep growing with Genesis and soon in my new custom the addition of UA. It is interesting though that the more I grow and explore myself the more I’m less inclined to go for a very focused archetype. Something about it feels constraining to me or maybe that’s just fear idk.

It could also be for most of my life there was unyielding pressure to be someone else and I hate going back to that feeling. Even if the improvements would be good for me and help me in some way, I can’t separate it at a deeper subconscious level.

#40

@RVconsultant I bought a biotuner recently. I think it’s been helping. Do you have any tips on getting the most of it? Right now I only do one session a day because I didn’t want to overdo it.