Musical Genesis+LoTS+SSX

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#41

LOTS one loop and this is feeling good. My body is automatically moving into alignment and my core is tightening in a way that’s firm but relaxed. Overall my body has felt more relaxed, I was walking around today at work and such a simple action was refined. I felt my muscles firing and releasing in the correct sequence. Usually it’s all tense and I have to consciously remind myself to not limit my range of motion.

I listened to this yesterday at night so the effects are peaking for me right now. What’s really interesting to me and I can’t really explain this, but I feel like I have the same physique I did when I was working out a lot more. It’s like a mental map or overlay over my current perception. Like an absolute certainty that end goal is guaranteed.

I did a quick isometric routine tonight. Usually it’s like pulling teeth to get myself anywhere near even wanting to work out. But I just felt this surge of energy and motivation to connect with my body and did it. If this is just one loop, damn I’m gonna be having some serious success on this one.

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#42

This is your key, you’re not allowing something to become great. Stay with Genesis for a while though.

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#43

Started a new track last night. Stayed up until 12am. Absolutely lost in it which was great. But the lack of sleep is also not great for work today lol.

One thing I’ve noticed with the NLE core. I’m learning what learning is for me. Which is pretty meta. Finding my own paths and systems that works for my mind, why not? For most of my life I’ve beaten myself over the head to try to conform to the standards and it never worked. It was always a deficit that lurked in the shadows and caused me anxiety. But there’s absolutely no reason I can’t explore my own ways and make that work for me.

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#44

I didn’t mention this, but I’ve been doing more inner child work. Trying to be the parent I didn’t get.

I never got into it because it just made me cringe. But I did some real deep introspection last week and the very fact I had an almost repulsion to these very real vulnerable childlike parts of myself speaks to how I was treated as a child.

I’ve got a few emotionally focused modules in my Genesis custom, but I really think the NLE core is helping me learn on an ever deeper level how to use that internal emotional regulation.

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#45

3cd8a33a

As I was fighting for consciousness at work today (I’m going through some heavy emotional stuff and my coping has always been sleep in the past), the above popped in my head. I thought I’d defuse the seriousness of it by referencing futurama.

Anyway I find myself falling into these states of internal panic, frozen pretty much. I’m identifying them better now and not mistaking them for truth. But they are very heavy to deal with. I’ve been working from an IFS framework and it seems to help.

At this point I’ve pretty much come to terms with a few facts. Some of them hard to accept.

  • My insistence in the past of following new age teachings and trying to cultivate a reality by rejecting things and visualizing was a cope. It was never going to work, but I hung on to that as a way to keep me going. I was delusional in the worst way possible. I haven’t been there for a while now, but every so often that dissociation creeps in that makes me think “if only I did x or y, my life would come together” . I believe this is what’s called magical thinking as a cognitive distortion and kids latch onto it as a way to believe they can control unstable environments around them. I think that’s a part of me that still thinks it’s a valid strategy to find safety.

  • I didn’t have a healthy childhood. And maybe due to my high sensitivity I was impacted more than the average kid. That doesn’t mean I did something wrong.

  • My relationship skills and ability to bond with other people is pretty compromised. It’s going to take a lot of effort and encouragement on my part to build this up. I’m not gonna just run subs and then magically uncover an identity that has me connect with others in an easy way completely outside the realm of my life experiences. If I don’t prepare myself for discomfort, I’ll keep expecting every step of the way to somehow be wrong.

  • Subs work best with sound minds because the subliminals don’t do anything. It’s the individual. So if parts of my mind deem a goal unsafe, I have to understand that. Throwing healing titles at myself without understanding that aspect of myself will fail because even healing titles can be seen as a way to open the gates to a goal that isn’t agreed upon.

  • This is my life. I have a bunch of stuff to deal with. But I have my limits. As much as I want to believe I’m limitless, that the only thing holding me back is a few limiting beliefs it’s a vast oversimplification of a complex process. I’ve made more progress in the past year respecting that vs trying to shortcut things and convince myself of lofty beliefs in an attempt to grow.

  • It’s a process of learning and discovery for me. If I concern myself with finding the most efficient, fastest, powerful, etc. I disconnect from myself and my needs and it becomes more about external validation.

  • It’s going to suck at times and there’s nothing i can do about it but give myself support.

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#46

Me and my coworker are pretty tight. He was pushing for a title change and more money. Company lowballed him. Said he’s already taken on the responsibility so why does he need a raise? Just wow

I’m pretty bad with valuing myself, but when it happens to other people it puts things into perspective more. I thought new leadership in my department would change things, I thought the business would hear out our needs, but nope. Everything is still the same, same dysfunctional toxic behaviors just in a larger org.

I’m pretty much done. Boundaries are up and I’m not giving them anything more than a consistent work day where I work at my own pace that’s comfortable. I just reflect on how much I’ve given to the company over the years and it pisses me off. They didn’t deserve it.

Going to monitor things in case I’m wrong but I think I need to really get on myself to polish up this resume and start looking for another job that won’t undervalue me.

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#47

Got my new custom. This is it. No more bsing around and stack switching. If I can’t make this shit work then another sub isn’t gonna help me do it.

I don’t want to be anyone but myself. I want to stop caring and get off this self improvement treadmill that’s not genuine and just obscures my real self expression. Who am I? What do I want? Very vague ideas of both, I just know I’m a creative spirit that’s seeking honest self expression in whatever way it can.

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#48

Limiting beliefs instilled in you when younger is the equivalent to trying to navigate and turn a ship with your crew while a bunch of monkeys are slapping you around and grabbing the wheel. You can’t fight all the monkeys and lose energy, otherwise you’ll veer off course. Gotta give them some bananas and calm them down. Then you also have to find out what made them so excitable in the first place. One crew mate triggering one monkey that sets off a cascade of monkey chaos. Each crew mate is responsible for certain monkeys. Don’t blame the crew mates for not being able to perform their jobs properly when there are monkeys running amok. But do try to understand why the crew mates triggered the monkeys in the first place and how to help them avoid it in the future.

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#49

Slowly moving into real forgiveness and acceptance. Not this fake moral construct I imposed onto myself to be a good person.

The inner good vs bad and lack of wholeness within me. I’m still working on. Conceptually I get it. Emotionally there are pieces of me still stuck in the past.

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#50

Whenever I read your Journal title “Musical Genesis+LoTS+SSX”, I read it as Musical Genesis of Lots of Sex.

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#51

I definitely may have done that without realizing lol

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#52

Some thoughts.

These past few days have been weird for me. I’ve definitely noticed some changes. Among them is an emerging state of calm or peace. But with it comes a lot of anxiety and fear.

Ever since I was a teenager I had a sense of impending doom that encircled my entire life. It felt like something awful was around the corner waiting for me. I’m 32 now and that’s a lot of years of having fear of something that never came to be. Because of that fear I had a tendency to stay out of happiness. I still do.

Brené Brown says in her research she noticed the most joyful people practice gratitude as a way to combat what she calls foreboding joy. It’s like a fear of allowing joy because at any given moment it can be taken away. By practicing gratitude you switch from the mental pattern of being afraid of losing something to appreciating what you have. You allow yourself to be more vulnerable to those ups and downs. At the end of the day guarding against future tragedy or pain won’t make those potential events stop, it will just minimize your capacity to feel joy in the present.

I never got gratitude. Maybe because I always felt it from the angle of “you SHOULD be grateful and how dare you be upset when you aren’t starving or living on the street”. I think practicing gratitude as a form of self care for myself when things get difficult can allow it to work better for me.

I’ve noticed that when I open up my capacity to feel things I’m guided in small ways. When I’m closed off I stagnate and get stuck.

There are a lot of things I’m still working through. But I think this is one aspect of me that cut off progress in my own growth. Especially with something like NSE. If I can’t be open to new positive experiences and struggle with the idea of good things, of course there won’t be too many shifts in my life. But like most things on my journey to self improvement these things can’t be rushed.

It can seem incredibly odd that a bunch of good things happening fast and consistently could be perceived as a threat, but there’s something within me that has limited capacity to jump on the metaphorical bullet train to accelerated growth and happiness in my life.

NLE definitely helped me with understanding gratitude in a way I can apply it. Light of humility is helping me dissolve this overly critical side that feels it needs to know everything and cuts me off to learning. I’ve only been running 1 min loops so who even knows if I actually listened to them in my custom or not.

Oh damn forgot I put New Dawn in here too… That explains me feeling like I woke up from a hazy dream and I’m starting to embrace something new and different.

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#53

Feeling wordy tonight I guess.

The struggles I perceive that are external are really just internal. And if they are internal, that means there is no battle. There’s nothing to be won, beat, overcome because it’s all me. The only thing to do is understand and communicate, that’s pretty much the only obstacle. There’s always an answer. It might not always be clear but it’s there.

An autonomous system that works in unison with me, not against me. That’s the goal. For me at least. I know everyone’s path is different. But I have no desire to tear down and rebuild.

If there’s one thing I’m realizing there are a lot of paths through life. A LOT. Choosing the one that works for you is more important than subscribing to popular opinion or collective beliefs.

I don’t have to know everything about the world around me. All I have to do is know and trust myself enough to navigate it in the way that fulfills me.

#54

Seeds of development or hard cope. I battle with that a lot.

I guess the only answer is if my life aligns with me. Anything else and I’m just trying to convince myself of change that hasn’t quite happened yet.

Can’t be too critical of yourself. But also can’t be complacent and think tomorrow will work out better. There’s a balance here I haven’t discovered yet.

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#55

So the safety net module in my custom is a really important one. But I’m noticing that there are a lot fears around trust and depending on others outside myself. I know this isn’t the way to go through life. So it’s been a somewhat difficult one to integrate. I’ve been thinking a lot about my situation more lately. I still struggle with job fears. I fear nobody would hire me outside of this company I currently work for. I guess I still don’t have a solid sense of my value. This is probably a younger part of me from when my life seemed hopeless and I couldn’t find employment. I’ll have to work with this.

In a lot of ways this mirrors a dynamic of being stuck in a toxic relationship with someone. Them not treating me well and me taking that as a reflection of my worth. Not seeing that it’s them not me. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to feel that in my core vs feeling like I’m trying to convince myself of it.

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#56

Dating apps. These past few months I’ve been matching with women I’m interested in. Throw out a first message, nothing. So the cycle continues until I’m collecting matches like pokemon cards. My most recent match I was like “hey just confirm you get this message so I know I’m not invisible on here”. I honestly was using it as a part ice breaker, part satisfying my curiosity if my messages were even going through. Confirmed that yeah, I wasn’t invisible. Which also confirmed that I’ve just got a long string of matches who just will probably never engage me.

I’m basically just fishing at this point. I match, throw out the invitation, and see who bites. I don’t pursue beyond that or try to make myself stand out. I probably get buried underneath all the other messages from thirsty dudes. It’s whatever. It’s pretty much become my disqualfier. I’ve said it before I don’t do one sided dancing monkey routines, I’ve got too much self respect for that nowadays. I personally believe that works against you on dating apps, they’re pretty much designed to reward the individuals willing to bend over backwards. Why else would they have paid subscriptions? They don’t want healthy self confident individuals.

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#57

Last song I finished was 5 months ago. That one hurts. UA has been working on some stuff. Been feeling a lot of insecurities about my music more lately and anxiety. Trying to get to the bottom of this. I pretty much avoid writing because most of the time I don’t like the outcome.

I feel like I live in opposite land where positivity and calm causes anxiety and chaos and instability causes familiarity. So tired of this pattern in my life.

Gonna try to finish something up this week, just to raise my spirits a bit.

#58

Explored some stuff in therapy yesterday. I think I’m realizing why the more open ended subs work better for me. When it comes to change and growth you need to be flexible in your identity. Open to change, trying new things. A lot of that is just self expression and exploring it. Something I have great difficulty with. So it makes sense with more bold and direct titles I struggle.

I can feel when I listen to a title where the input stage and then expression stage starts. And I know with SSX these past few days I locked up internally. This one is definitely pushing my boundaries out of all of them, but I’m using it as an opportunity for growth. It’s similar recon to WB but since there’s no fixed archetype I know this is just stuff I’m uncomfortable with.

One thing I realized. I had a habit when younger to label my emotions as just energy and I could will them away. This was such a bad habit I built. I’m learning how to label emotions now and put words to them to help me understand them better. This has started giving me the freedom to transmute them. Damn spiritual bypassing again.

#59

If I make “changes” and I lose those changes, I never changed or grew to begin with. I overrode something inside me to get something done or do something and banked on willpower.

This has been a difficulty in my life for a while and I’m starting to see why it happened and why common advice never worked for me. Not even the “just reprogram the subconscious” worked for me.

For now I’m accepting a slow down. I still have my goals long term, but I’m focusing on learning to work with myself to get things done vs fighting all the time. This is another learning process, taking that feeling of I don’t want to be stuck here and turning it into how can I support myself to change this? None of it is intuitive to me.

#60

When things are slow moving or I’m not doing as much to advance my life, the whip comes out. The whip is a metaphor of course, but I’ve realized it’s essentially fear. Running out of time, never achieving what I want, continual struggle,etc.

Fear is not a good motivator for me. It has a tendency to cover up why progress isn’t being made and neglects to address those factors which are more important than short term gain.

I eased up on myself yesterday and then later on in the day I wrote some music. There has to be space for the subs to work. If it’s cluttered up with neurotic energy it’s like pissing in the wind.

On my journey with Genesis what I’ve realized the most is I have to advocate for myself. There are going to be some people that get me and others that wonder why I don’t just “fix” myself. I got to where I am by fighting to get there and being terrified every step of the way. It sort of worked? But I don’t want to live like this. I did this because I had to, not because I wanted to. I’m still working on figuring out what the hell I want out of life.