Ever changing, ever shifting exploration

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#1

Starting a new journal because I’ve been having some major changes come up in my life and wanted to just start over. Also not putting the sub names in the title of the topic lol, I’ve learned enough by now that hardly sticks around.

Still rocking my custom composed of the following. I can say with certainty this has been the most impactful custom I’ve ever run. I’m also running Sanguine and HOT. I may rotate out Sanguine depending on what needs arise.

Genesis Core
Ultimate Artist Core
New Learning Experience Core
Psyche Augmentation
New Dawn
Foundation
Inner Voice
Untouchable
Courage Reclaimed
Divine Self-Image
Ultimate Music Producer
Virtuoso di Musica
Path of Forgiveness
Homeostasis
Pride Unbroken
Safety Net
Natural Winner
Discordia Deliverance
Light of Humility
Gratitude Embodiment

For why I’m running HOT, you can read about it here. But the short answer is I’ve recently uncovered the fact that I’m transgender.

My time running WB in the past looks like it may have increased my body hair which kinda sucks. Running HOT I don’t think I’ve ever had so much internal alignment with a sub before so I’m hoping it can help me out with a lot of the physical stuff. I might have to pick up DR:LD again to break up these physical shifting limiting beliefs.

But yeah my life is doing a complete 180. In hindsight there were always signs in the past but I repressed them. Gonna be going through my old journals now that I have a new perspective and exercise more compassion for myself for not figuring it out earlier in my life.

Just wanted to thank my deeper self for having the intuition to put together that custom with all those modules even though I didn’t know consciously what was going on.

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#2

Been slamming water all day today. Definitely HOT because that’s the only thing that changed in my stack.

Had so many doubts today about running it though. If I was making a mistake, thinking I needed to have a certain level of discomfort as a guy before it was valid enough, thinking maybe I just didn’t commit hard enough to alpha titles. The usual fear based stuff. And it’s just why can’t I do what feels good for me and leave it at that? Why does there need to be some elaborate explanation vs just honoring my feelings? I’m still holding myself to some standard of a cis individual which is dumb because I am transgender. I absolutely am. I don’t know how far I have to go physically to find that inner peace and fulfillment but I know I don’t want to go back to my old coping habits. Those hurt, a lot.

Having said that I’m feeling the physical shifting on this title pretty distinctly. Never got that on WB. The tops of my cheekbones have had an interesting sort of pressure all day today. But all over my body I’ve felt some sensations. The weird one today I wasn’t prepared for was my vision changing. Felt like when you put on a new pair of glasses prescription, that kind of initial more clear view before it normalizes again.

It still feels weird saying I’m running this title. I’m sure it’ll feel normal eventually. But for now I’m getting acquainted with feelings I’ve repressed for a very long time. I’m hoping i get to the point where all these changes aren’t a big deal and everyone including me can just be like “cool happy for you”. I’ve built this behemoth of fear in my head for years and I thought I was a terrible person for experiencing these things. I’m tackling that now piece by piece.

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#3

Shifting based subs are over powered.
You’ll be amazed by the results.

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#4

Been learning a ton about my internal difficulties lately. I have a tendency to connect things a lot, try to find patterns, causes, etc. Today I realized you can have 2 separate things going on in your mind almost in parallel. Each causing their own distress and addressing one won’t necessarily address the other.

In therapy I’ve been working on unpacking a lot of trauma. I thought it was the trauma contributing to my unease as a guy. If I resolved the trauma by starting to validate my emotions more it would help everything fall in place. Similarly exploring my gender more, while helpful, is not going to magically make everything else go away and solve those difficulties.

But due to the self neglect patterns I formed over the years I was unable to verbalize, conceptualize, or express any of the discomfort from gender identity. So it certainly didn’t help things.

The relief I’m feeling is immense, but I know there’s still more work to do to give myself the best life. I feel like I can do that now vs feeling like I’ve been given a puzzle to solve with missing pieces.

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#5

When a lot of this came to the surface and was finally realized I thought I knew where it was all going. But I’m learning that was just the beginning of another journey of exploration that I have to be patient with.

There’s a lot of subconscious behavior I’m deconstructing. Like I’ve realized I have a male sort of acting routine I’ve been doing for years. I can feel when it activates because it shows up as this chronic inner tension I’ve held for a lot of my life. But underneath that is a whole bunch of movement patterns and speaking style I had suppressed. There are aspects of me popping up and I’m like “who the hell is this and why do I have these urges?” That’s how far from myself I’ve been over the years. I’m just welcoming anything that shows up without having to be anything in particular. But I’ve quite honestly interfaced with most of my life through a persona. I just didn’t realize it till now. Didn’t realize I pre-screened my most natural and authentic behaviors. I knew to some extent I had this filter, but it was always this deep fear of rejection I could never pin a solid answer to. I guess i was afraid of this stuff “leaking” out.

I’ll be honest when I first thought of running this it was only gonna be focus on the physical. But I’m really enjoying the deeper internal scripting on HOT. There’s so much prior stuff I have new perspective on and answers to. But I’m still learning.

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#6

Day 2 of HOT. Caught off guard in the mirror admiring my eyelashes lol. This sub has just been very affirming for me. It feels like getting a warm hug but on the inside. I’d be afraid to say something like that before but now I don’t care. Usually I ramble on about dissecting the complex intricacies of what a sub is doing internally. But this just feels good and i don’t need to explain it or justify why it makes me feel good. If a sub specifically designed for women makes me feel this good, that’s gotta mean something. Feels like the constantly running engine that is my brain has shifted to a lower idle. I guess I wasn’t just overthinking for the sake of overthinking throughout the course of my life, it served as a very specific distraction.

On the music side of things, I’m feeling an entire new palette of ideas opening up to me. I know for me as an artist I create what I feel. For years I tried to branch out, but I can’t write something different if I’m stuck feeling a certain way inside. I love melancholy music, I love dark stuff, I love things that explore complexity or conflict, but I also love a lot of other things and I want to give those a chance too. But i want them to be organic and emerge from me just like how the darker things do. Neither one is better or has to compete, they’re all welcome to show up.

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#7

Ok real talk. I’m having an identity crisis. As I deconstruct a lot of this inauthentic behavior I’m realizing I haven’t actually lived as myself. I know how insane that sounds given my past expositions in my journals on this forum claiming otherwise. But I legit think I was trying to convince myself of something I didn’t believe myself.

I know HOT is pulling it to the surface. It’s not making me doing anything. But then there’s a ping of anxiety that shows up that says “you can’t be like that”. And I’m starting to think this is just long term conditioning in my life from all the times someone perceived my mismatched gender and “corrected” me on it. Otherwise, why would i decide to do that to myself voluntarily?

I don’t have a problem with any of this. Despite not really knowing who I am it doesn’t fill me with dread or fear. I’m just looking forward to experiencing myself fully without suppressing anything.

#8

I ran Sanguine today and it just brought up a lot of stuff for me. I need to prioritize more. I think my custom is a bit too much for me at the moment. I’m going through an intense period of questioning right now. I need to go deeper inside myself, fuck the world and achievements, I just need to be me. Sanguine and HOT is my stack moving forward.

I kind of wanted to make a custom with sanguine and include some of those really useful support modules that were in my genesis custom. But my birth name has been causing me distress lately which complicates things, I don’t have an alternative. I could use my forum name, but that’s also tied to an excessive amount of time where I tried to present a certain way here. So Sanguine store title it is until I figure this stuff out more. I think I’ve had enough exposure where this custom might bloom a bit anyway.

I’m going to figure this out and I’m going to take care of myself. That’s all that matters to me right now. All my life I’ve tried to achieve external things to get me more in alignment with my internal vs aligning with my internal and letting that expand outwards. How can I truly know what I want if I can’t even know and trust myself deep down?

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#9

Alright I lied, I’m throwing DR:LD into my stack. I read this single part of the description and I was like, yeah that’s what I need right now. And the objectives of this title are right up the alley for what I’m going through.

Not only are there limits imposed by society, but oftentimes, we construct our own cages through self-imposed limits. These barriers are built brick by brick from our insecurities, past failures, and negative self-talk. Like an invisible fence, they keep us pacing within a confined space, even though we yearn to explore the vastness beyond. These self-imposed limits manifest as thoughts like, “I can’t,” “I’m not good enough,” or “It’s too late for me.” What’s important to understand is that while the bricks of this fence may be sourced from external opinions and experiences, it is we who lay them down. Recognizing that we are the architects of our own constraints is both daunting and empowering. Because just as we had the power to build these walls, we possess the strength to dismantle them, reclaiming the boundless landscape of our potential.

Also this. I could really use more of this right now.

Attract allies and resources necessary for your journey, including mentors, friends, books, and opportunities.

DR:LD was one of the first titles I ran that allowed me to do what was needed for myself to prevent other people from repeating patterns of behavior that hurt me. It got me to acknowledge my trauma and take it seriously. And now I might not be 100% clear on my end goals in life, but i know enough that there are things standing in the way from living as myself fully.

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#10

After many sleepless nights this past week, doubts, criticisms, denial, and whatever else holding me back I’ve decided that my goal is to transition. I tried to be a guy, it just never worked. Either hyping myself up to be more masculine or trying to take on this idea I’m just a more feminine male. If I could be that I would, it would make my life a hell of a lot easier. But since I was 18 I ran all manner of subs and hypnosis non-stop to try to get that gender to work for me. It never did. I don’t think I’m wrong in the assumption if I’ve been at this for about 14 years and I’m still not happy something else is up. I did all the things others expected me to do vs listening to myself.

Ever since coming out to myself I’ve felt a sense of hope for my future. I’ve been imagining what it would be like if I just continued down my path as a guy and it fills me with anxiety. That anxiety has been with me all my life, I just attributed it to all different things. I’ve been reading the experience of others and talking to people and their descriptions match mine word for word. Eerily so. A lot of the invisible walls I hit on my journey to growth have started making sense because I was missing the target completely. It was always some deep dark nebulous fear I couldn’t unpack that ruled my life, I never thought so much of it would be tied to mismatched gender.

I’m seeing a support group next week to help me through it. I know how controversial transition is among my family and some of my friends. A lot of people will ask “why don’t you just…”. But there’s a fundamental lack of understanding when you just feel ok in your body by default, I never got that experience in my life. It’s a surreal experience to come to that conclusion because it directly contradicts how I’m seen, how I acted, how I lived my life for a good portion of time. And that can be the hardest part with all this, I didn’t get to grow up with things in sync and explore myself.

I’m basically dumping all my energy into overcoming my fears and getting the ball rolling here. Then once I’ve built up enough momentum start focusing back on some life goals. But I don’t want this to be pushed into the background like I’ve done for most of my life.

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#11

All the best! Sounds like a huge step to take. Hope your support group meeting goes well!

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#12

Thank you so much! It can all be really intimidating but I know it’s what’s best for me.

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#13

For the name part, I’d say, it should be a name tou really are able to identify yourself with.
If it’s not your birth name or any nickname, I would suggest putting in a ticket for some advice.
For the rest, did you ever run Phoenix, or consider it? Perhaps burning your old self, so that your true self can emerge from the ashes might be a right step.

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#14

Yeah I think I’m holding off on customs for a bit, so it’s not a big deal. I know it’ll come in time for me.

I never ran Phoenix but I think you might be on to something there. I was really hesitant to run it before because I didn’t have an end goal, but I now see clear as day the behaviors and thoughts that prevent me from being myself. So I think this would be the best for me, plus it’s got the new tech in it. Thanks for the input!

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#15

Ran Phoenix this morning for 30s to start. Definitely easing into this one.

So far I noticed a spike in older memories surfacing for me, making peace with them, and my life in general. Reframing the past, a lot of that is understanding when I look back on the past it always seems like I could have made better choices. But that fails to take into account how difficult it was back then. The important thing is what I’m doing in the present for myself.

I’m ready to dig deep on this and let go of everything. If there’s one thing I’ve always been naturally good at, it’s self reflection. So I’m going to use that to get me to where I want to be vs criticizing myself. I know a lot of that criticism was due to trying to measure up to some standard that was unconsciously impressed on me. But now I can let that go and channel that energy into something positive.

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#16

I’m not out to anyone about being transgender in my personal life except one friend of mine. She’s been insanely supportive and has helped me feel safe about it.

I’ve been trying to just show up as myself as much as possible. It’s been tough. But the more I do it the less I feel like that male presentation was me. Like I’m actually feeling how forced it was and I’m less likely to go back to it. But I did notice something the other day.

I went to a bar with my brother and we had some drinks. I just immediately slipped into guy mode. Trying to validate my masculinity by appearing attractive and keeping an eye out for any women taking a peak at me. I found myself dissecting what that meant for me. I did this A LOT before being honest about being transgender. I thought if I had women hit on me or flirt with me that could help me feel better about being a guy. Had some moments of doubts and then ultimately realized I can’t use validation from others to understand my gender identity, that’s what got me in this friggin mess.

I also hung out with some friends and it just felt weird being around them. I was like, these are guys and I’m pretty damn sure none of them have questioned their gender ever. Then I’m just sitting there being myself and I’m realizing for the first time in my life how different I am. And also the discomfort I’ve faced of mirroring other guys around me and trying to imitate their behaviors. They’re a solid group and I still have fun with them, but I’m feeling that barrier between them even more than when I was heavily repressed with all this.

Allowing all this to be here without thinking I’m making it up or exaggerating. Like oh no you’ve thought about gender so much you deluded yourself into thinking you’re a woman. I hate how even though I don’t saturate my brain with that media it still interacts with my psyche. I need to purge this shit because it’s holding me back.

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#17

So. The initial plan was to run Helen of Troy and see how far I could actually shift on it. I wanted to see what the mind is capable of without outside intervention. But then I thought of manifestations and the path of least resistance and I’d be shooting myself in the foot if I stubbornly stuck to that. And I’ve already waiting long enough in my life. So tomorrow I’m making an appointment with a gender affirming care clinic in my area and fast tracking myself for HRT. So many people put the fear in me like “oh my god what if you find out you’re a guy and you’ve got all these permanent changes you’re stuck with?” And it’s like, big deal. That wouldn’t be life ruining. What would be life ruining is never ever giving this a shot and living with regret for the rest of my life knowing I let fear stop me. I think maybe even HOT opened the pathway for this because subconsciously I knew this was the most guaranteed way to get where i needed to go.

I’m doing it. I feel like I’m gonna throw up and I’m shaking, but I’m doing it. Everyone in my life is just gonna have to accept it. I STILL don’t quite understand it and maybe I never will. But life is way too short to piss away time trying to pick apart an argument vs living.

#18

Every day that passes and the more I peel back the layers, the more terrifying it gets for me. I don’t think I’ve ever committed to anything in my life that scared me this much so it must be important. I’ve got an appointment at the end of the month now to see a doctor that specializes in this stuff to see what they think.

In the meantime, I’m just meeting face to face with the feelings I’ve suppressed all my life. It’s been rough and I don’t really feel much relief. If anything it’s gotten worse since I admitted everything to myself because I’ve never been at peace and I don’t think I physically can be until I correct it. Hence my infinite healing journeys of the past where I spun my wheels endlessly.

Until I do I am praying HOT helps guide me to figure this out because it’s A LOT of work ahead of me. Similarly I am hoping I don’t fall prey to same bullshit beauty standards other women deal with all the time. But I have a feeling that I’ll be contending with that as well.

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#19

Had a dream last night where I was looking in the mirror and liked what I saw. But was worried about being “found out”. Which makes sense I guess, I’m slowly embracing this but utterly terrified about flipping my life upside down. Am I gonna lose friends? Will my relationships change? In hindsight throughout my life whenever there was a mirror in my dreams 90% of the time the reflection was a woman. Always felt guilty about those dreams.

For a long time in my life I felt like people didn’t really know me. But I also didn’t know how to show up as myself, so it’s not their fault. I’m a lot less blunted emotionally these past few weeks and expressive and it’s weird. It’s such a contrast to how I’ve held myself for most of my life.

Phoenix is definitely helping me let go of this idea that the new stuff is fake or inauthentic. It’s unfamiliar and it’s an adjustment period. Just taking it one step at a time. About two weeks ago it felt like the rug was ripped out from underneath me, but it’s starting to feel a bit more normal now.

#20

1 min of Phoenix yesterday and then some crying this morning. You know that state between sleeping and being awake, where it feels like the conscious mind isn’t fully online to throw up defensive mechanisms? That’s what I hit this morning. I know there’s stuff there I’m repressing I have to process. But I repressed all of it for my safety and survival in this world. Tearing down something intentionally put in place to keep you safe is like asking your mind to go on a suicide mission. It SEEMS illogical, but it’s actually 100% correct in the way it had to cobble together a solution in the past.

Now i just have to start focusing on reframing things. From being my authentic self = danger, abandonment, judgment to being my authentic self = acceptance, happiness, fulfillment, and deeper connections with people. It’s a battle. The negative, pain, and fear has outweighed the joy, positive, and safety for most of my life. It’s going to take some work on my part, but at least now I’m more aligned with what I’m growing into and can push past the darker days.