How did your hair growth changed after LoTS?
Not much there. I’m pretty thin up top, might be too early too tell because I’ve only run it for one cycle so far. I was hoping LOTS could tackle that though.
Me too man, hair gets thinner i take phyto phanere pills that helped a bit but it is not enough
1 Like
I’ll be sure to update here if I notice some changes. I’m gonna start doing scalp massages to promote more growth. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. I know some guys just shave it all off because it looks better. But I actually like my hair so I’d rather try to improve it vs throw in the towel.
1 Like
My cousin told me she used mustard, but never asked what happened with that.
If i remember correctly @voytek had great results with wanted and a tonic which helped him grow back some hair
1 Like
I’m probably gonna go on some rabbit hole of research these coming weeks lol. I know there are a lot of proposed theories for what causes the balding. To me it’s an odd one, I don’t really consider it “natural” just because it happens to a lot of guys.
2 Likes
Good luck
1 Like
Yesterday had an awful migraine so called out of work. Today felt drained so I worked from home. I know something has changed within me as far as prioritizing myself. In the past I would have forced myself to go to work today or yesterday. But I woke up both days and nothing felt good and told myself “you know what? I don’t have to do this.”
Trying to be kinder to myself in all ways. Stand up for myself. I’m going through shit and people aren’t always gonna understand, but that doesn’t make me wrong.
1 Like
Looking at Khan Black and thinking to myself maybe this is what I need… But I don’t. For most of my life I’ve felt like I just keep armoring up in order to protect myself vs going deeper into myself.
I’ve been doing a lot more IFS in therapy recently. It’s given me an awareness of my different parts inside me and how subs influence that. For example if I run something too dominate or potentially aggressive, that activates the part that closes off, gets tunnel vision, and represses emotions. A survival based part that helped get through life but plays a very rigid role.
These subs are all changes within the individual. So I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that even with the best intentions some subs will be utilized in a more rigid way by me. Still trying to figure it all out. But I’m recognizing these patterns more of trying to become something else vs addressing core wounds.
For now Genesis affords me the flexibility to explore myself deeper without having to become something. Even Phoenix, though no doubt a powerful looking sub, would probably cause me to relapse into my perfectionist “I have to transcend my emotional wounds, be great, and prove something,” mentality.
It seems counter intuitive but in order to grow more I have to give myself space for emptiness and safety so I can understand myself better. All my life I’ve just jumped from one role to the next never really having a solid feeling of being in myself or a complete person.
1 Like
I think sometimes in life people go through rough stuff. They aren’t wallowing or refusing to change. Everyone just sees an external representation of a very complex inner process. 9/10 you can’t see or understand that.
I’ve been going through a rough week. All that was playing through my head was I needed to overcome it or control it. I always think there’s some faster or efficient way to process emotions. I’ve done everything in my life except just allow stuff to be there and let it be.
I’m going through a lot recently in terms of connecting to repressed emotions. But even more than that what it means to have a healthy relationship with my own emotions.
If you don’t start off on the right foot, society is very unforgiving. And as much as everyone wants to advocate for self responsibility and taking charge of your life, there’s a serious denial as to how some people just get dealt a rough hand. And the real painful part is the self advocacy you sometimes need to protect yourself or look after your needs is the very thing you lack. Yet people can sometimes blame you for something that was never given to you in the first place.
My growth comes when it comes. If I’m not at a certain place yet, that means I’m not ready and that’s ok. When I can look at my life and appreciate new experiences, that’s when I know the change is real. Because I’m not trying to force something on myself.
Commiting to at least one music session a week going forward. That can be 15 minutes or 2 hrs, doesn’t matter. All that matters is that this desire to create is acknowledged. It also means not forcing myself to finish. A music session can be playing around with a synth, new production technique, or even just getting better acquainted with harmonies with no pressure to commit to an end goal.
The thought here is to just invite music into my life more. So it becomes less of a thing I have to schedule and prepare for and more of a spontaneous always there ready to be tapped into approach.
Right now my mind has been polluted by ideas of success and how to make my music into something I can live off of. But I’ve lost connection to music itself, so that should be my first priority. I’d love to have music be a bigger part of my life but admittedly I don’t want to “work” at it. I don’t want it to be a job or feeling like some slave to a monetary system or that it has to conform in some way with what people like.
1 Like
Well… shit. Genesis and the untouchable module is definitely unlocking some stuff for me. Some stuff that I couldn’t or wouldn’t face over the years and tried to repress. Seems like throwing Sanguine into the mix is helping me avoid the panic that sets in from it showing up at the surface. I’m keeping this one private for now until I’m ready to share. But it’s definitely opened my eyes as to why I consistently chose the wrong titles in the past.
Untouchable module can be brutal at times if you aren’t ready to face what’s coming up. But I’m looking forward to how it helps out now that I’ve stopped expending all this energy trying to stuff things down.
2 Likes
All the achievements in the world won’t help me escape pain. Running Genesis I’m really realizing how much exploration i need in my life, way way more. I’m slowing down a lot, I’m deconstructing my push through to the end goal mentality. It doesn’t work and it has never worked and I don’t want to live like that anymore. When you hold on, waiting for a day that never comes, that can be the most excruciating torture. I’ve lived in that state for too much of my life, it’s time to let it go.
I think the resistance to letting it go is thinking I’m supposed to be anywhere else but here. Is it easy taking a step back and being gentle with myself? No not one bit. But one thing that really shook me awake these past few days is, time moves regardless of how you feel. You can spend that time feeling like you’re not as far as everyone else, behind, lacking, not good enough, etc. or you can enjoy whats around you. The judgement, criticism, and rigid beliefs won’t erase the past and it won’t bring about a better future. I understand why I did it for so long, but I also understand it hurts more than helps.
It’s time to really focus on myself and what will make me happy.
1 Like
I’m a pretty smart, introspective, insightful person and boy can that be the biggest trap sometimes in my life.
All my life I’ve been trying to “figure out something”, a clever distraction to keep me away and think the solution is more complicated than it really is. It just isn’t. It’s not easy, but it is simple. So goddamn painfully simple it makes my head spin. What’s complicated is all the mental gymnastics my mind performs to not do the simple thing because I fear it.
I had another session with my therapist tonight and going really deep into things. Deepest and most trusting I’ve ever been with another human being in my life. It took me a while to get here, but I’m here. It’s so absolutely surreal experiencing that level of safety with another person. And it really blows my mind that some people growing up get that from their parents by default.
1 Like
So I have to laugh today for two reasons because it’s like it was perfectly orchestrated to line up at the exact point in time it happened and for me to see it. 1. Is what saint said here in the WB thread(which I’ll tie in why that’s interesting later), the sub I had THE most difficulty on. And 2. Pretty much coincides with what happened to me this past week. I got rocked y’all. And it was long overdue. My subconscious has been banging for YEARS and i did not listen. A combination of increased feelings of safety, personal strength, and exploration has allowed me to start unpacking it.
Long life story short, I’ve pretty much come to the realization that I’m transgender. That’s about where I am at. What that means, what I’m gonna do with it, how I’m gonna explore it is all up in the air. But I know for years I’ve been expending an enormous amount of energy trying to hide it from everyone including myself. This wasn’t my first time hearing this from my subconscious. The first time was in a meditation session where I became so relaxed and opened I just allowed my deepest self to speak. And it did, I promptly had a panic attack and locked it all away for a long time. It was the deep dark secret that was always hanging over my head. It was the glass wall between me and other people.
So how it relates to WB. WB was pretty much the pipe dream for me. I thought if I could just build my confidence, start attracting a bunch of women, become the most masculine version of myself that it would all somehow magically fall into place and I’d snap out of everything. Starting to run LOTS was probably a last ditch effort to try to convince myself of something I didn’t actually believe deep down. I attempted to create an entirely new identity and pretty much projected everything else outward into women.
After I dropped WB my depression went away and Genesis was easier. Recently I just naturally stopped listening to LOTS because I realized I was pushing it on myself as something I needed to do vs wanted to do. I picked up on this earlier when I realized I had an easier time on more gender neutral titles but I didn’t put 2 and 2 together.
I’ve burdened my own life with so many what ifs and trying to plot stuff out carefully. Yeah what if. You know what a scarier what if is vs exploring this more? Living the rest of my life disconnected from myself and not knowing who I am. Being so afraid of losing people in my life or being misunderstood that I just stay what everyone else wants me to be and continue to shove myself into fake identities.
Even though I’ve been in this forum for a bit, the anonymous nature of it lets me be far more open than anyone else in my day to day. I just had to write all this because I was compelled to and it’s a major turning point in my life and journey. I couldn’t stand looking at my journal knowing I wasn’t speaking my own truth.
Sidenote when I added the Untouchable module to my custom this wasn’t the outcome I expected. Maybe deep down I did know, but consciously I couldn’t acknowledge it. I wrote this whole post out and then looked at the module description, yup that’s pretty bang on.
There are times when we become outcasts. Shunned by others, isolated, persecuted and alone. Regardless of the reason why you are going through such a time – religion, politics, culture, gender, sexual orientation, beliefs, environment, etc., Untouchable is a module to help you get through this period, lessen the emotional impact, feel a profound courage and sense of hope that will guide you through all hardships and of course, keep you safe. Finally, Untouchable will help you tell others any truths you have to reveal without being unfairly judged and treated. This is an excellent module for those who society considers as having alternate views.
2 Likes
So I’ve been on an impromptu washout after all this came up. Major reconciliation for sure. And I’ve just been coasting on it all until it settles. Don’t want to stack recon on top of recon.
Decided I’m not gonna just try to think my way on what I want to do, I’m gonna leap first and see what my subconscious says. When I put some of these modules in my custom I knew they were gonna get me to face things eventually. This experience has taught me to trust my intuition and just let go. The safe and easily mapped outcomes are unfortunately not the fulfilling ones. They’re the ones my mind constructed because I was afraid.
I’m adding Helen Of Troy to my stack. The only answers I’m gonna get is going down this rabbit hole in the most direct way possible and this was where my intuition was guiding me. Obviously dealing with those thoughts “but you’re a guy why would you run that?” Why does anyone do anything? Nobody knows. All I know is there’s a point of diminishing returns when analyzing yourself that veers into criticism vs using that analyzing to improve your life experience.
So in the spirit of Genesis, I’m just gonna go exploring and see where it leads me.
3 Likes
Please keep us posted.
2 Likes
I ran 1 min of HOT last night a little later than I usually do so I’m a bit off processing wise today. But it’s been good.
A lot of stuff is coming up. A lot of repressed memories and feelings. And I just reminded myself ZP only shows you your truest self. If a cis male ran this title I’d wager it wouldn’t do much of anything. They wouldn’t be having this experience. If I did this a few years back I probably would have panicked and felt like I was screwing up my mind or something. There’s a lot of outside opinions on being trans I’ve definitely internalized over the years that I have to unpack.
Two things stood out to me that I’m still exploring. I’ve always had a lot of difficulty with mirrors and photos. I remember in high school just getting really into working out and trying to force myself to like what I saw in the mirror. The years after that I tried all different short hairstyles, looking for something that felt right and it never did. Nothing ever felt like it “worked”. It’s not like I was disgusted with what I saw, there was just this weird disconnect. I would very often look at my reflection and see it as a different person to judge my appearance and if I was attractive. Eventually I grew out my hair longer and that helped me feel better, but I couldn’t go back to short hair. I did it once as a test to convince myself “hair is just hair, it’s not a big deal you’re being ridiculous”. But it made that disconnected feeling even stronger. And recently I’ve been really taking care of my hair and embracing the characteristics of it wearing it long and it’s made me feel even better. Growing up as a teen I used to like wearing my hair long but everyone would be like “when are you getting that cut?” It was never seen as a good thing. But that was pretty much the only thing I had control over to move away from what I perceived as heavily male.
I legitimately thought every guy felt like that and just dealt with it. Like you had to really build up towards connecting to what you saw in the mirror vs just having that as a default. I kept thinking to myself “one day this will make sense, I’ll figure it out”.
Second thing is I was looking at this post of mine about WB
Hindsight. I don’t think I was afraid of being more attractive. I think I was experiencing that disconnect again when trying to assume a more masculine image or identity. So it wasn’t that I was getting in my way towards my goals, I pretty much didn’t want those goals but I didn’t have the awareness to know why.
Then all this gets even more complicated when a lot of society wants you to be on either side, man or woman. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions about where I should end up. I just know there is a lot of discomfort and pain inside me that I haven’t been able to explain to anyone throughout the years.
Lots of writing, sorry guys lol. It’s like all that internal rumination I’ve had over the years was loaded up into a cannon and fired off on a direct path once this stuff started appearing to me.
3 Likes
Damn. I’m realizing why music has been so important to me now. I thought if I could just get better at it, make money, I could carve out my own little space in this world vs existing in it. But it was driving me into depression because when that didn’t work I had to face reality. And the reality has always been I’ve been heavily dissociated from myself and life. But I could never understand why. I thought it was the emotional neglect and verbal abuse I’d experience at times as a kid. But that doesn’t cause gender issues.
I’m not saying music isn’t important. But looking back sometimes when I would be writing music, my guard down, no labels, no expectations, it’s like these thoughts on gender snuck in from the side. I think that’s why music is so important to me, it transcends boundaries and unites people in a universal way. And deep down that’s all I ever wanted in life, is to just be accepted for me.
This is all a lot to take in. It’s like someone released a drainage plug on my emotions these past few days.
I should probably open a new journal so I don’t confuse the hell out of people lol
@RVconsultant can you close this one down when you get a sec?
1 Like