So I’ve been on an impromptu washout after all this came up. Major reconciliation for sure. And I’ve just been coasting on it all until it settles. Don’t want to stack recon on top of recon.
Decided I’m not gonna just try to think my way on what I want to do, I’m gonna leap first and see what my subconscious says. When I put some of these modules in my custom I knew they were gonna get me to face things eventually. This experience has taught me to trust my intuition and just let go. The safe and easily mapped outcomes are unfortunately not the fulfilling ones. They’re the ones my mind constructed because I was afraid.
I’m adding Helen Of Troy to my stack. The only answers I’m gonna get is going down this rabbit hole in the most direct way possible and this was where my intuition was guiding me. Obviously dealing with those thoughts “but you’re a guy why would you run that?” Why does anyone do anything? Nobody knows. All I know is there’s a point of diminishing returns when analyzing yourself that veers into criticism vs using that analyzing to improve your life experience.
So in the spirit of Genesis, I’m just gonna go exploring and see where it leads me.
I ran 1 min of HOT last night a little later than I usually do so I’m a bit off processing wise today. But it’s been good.
A lot of stuff is coming up. A lot of repressed memories and feelings. And I just reminded myself ZP only shows you your truest self. If a cis male ran this title I’d wager it wouldn’t do much of anything. They wouldn’t be having this experience. If I did this a few years back I probably would have panicked and felt like I was screwing up my mind or something. There’s a lot of outside opinions on being trans I’ve definitely internalized over the years that I have to unpack.
Two things stood out to me that I’m still exploring. I’ve always had a lot of difficulty with mirrors and photos. I remember in high school just getting really into working out and trying to force myself to like what I saw in the mirror. The years after that I tried all different short hairstyles, looking for something that felt right and it never did. Nothing ever felt like it “worked”. It’s not like I was disgusted with what I saw, there was just this weird disconnect. I would very often look at my reflection and see it as a different person to judge my appearance and if I was attractive. Eventually I grew out my hair longer and that helped me feel better, but I couldn’t go back to short hair. I did it once as a test to convince myself “hair is just hair, it’s not a big deal you’re being ridiculous”. But it made that disconnected feeling even stronger. And recently I’ve been really taking care of my hair and embracing the characteristics of it wearing it long and it’s made me feel even better. Growing up as a teen I used to like wearing my hair long but everyone would be like “when are you getting that cut?” It was never seen as a good thing. But that was pretty much the only thing I had control over to move away from what I perceived as heavily male.
I legitimately thought every guy felt like that and just dealt with it. Like you had to really build up towards connecting to what you saw in the mirror vs just having that as a default. I kept thinking to myself “one day this will make sense, I’ll figure it out”.
Second thing is I was looking at this post of mine about WB
Hindsight. I don’t think I was afraid of being more attractive. I think I was experiencing that disconnect again when trying to assume a more masculine image or identity. So it wasn’t that I was getting in my way towards my goals, I pretty much didn’t want those goals but I didn’t have the awareness to know why.
Then all this gets even more complicated when a lot of society wants you to be on either side, man or woman. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions about where I should end up. I just know there is a lot of discomfort and pain inside me that I haven’t been able to explain to anyone throughout the years.
Lots of writing, sorry guys lol. It’s like all that internal rumination I’ve had over the years was loaded up into a cannon and fired off on a direct path once this stuff started appearing to me.
Damn. I’m realizing why music has been so important to me now. I thought if I could just get better at it, make money, I could carve out my own little space in this world vs existing in it. But it was driving me into depression because when that didn’t work I had to face reality. And the reality has always been I’ve been heavily dissociated from myself and life. But I could never understand why. I thought it was the emotional neglect and verbal abuse I’d experience at times as a kid. But that doesn’t cause gender issues.
I’m not saying music isn’t important. But looking back sometimes when I would be writing music, my guard down, no labels, no expectations, it’s like these thoughts on gender snuck in from the side. I think that’s why music is so important to me, it transcends boundaries and unites people in a universal way. And deep down that’s all I ever wanted in life, is to just be accepted for me.
This is all a lot to take in. It’s like someone released a drainage plug on my emotions these past few days.
I should probably open a new journal so I don’t confuse the hell out of people lol
@RVconsultant can you close this one down when you get a sec?
