I just PM’d someone here. As I wrote, I was processing stuff, and I felt it. I’m choosing to share this since it might shed light on someone’s growth with the New Emperor.
PM:
Some internal shifts are happening, and I’m writing you with different motives, collectively.
First, an old feeling of needing connection with people who know me is active. I’m initiating this.
Second, I’m used to relating to other male peers as if they were my brother, like I’m seeking them to fill this old vacancy. Am I doing that now? Well, there are still small strings in my heart, but I’m not feeling that same desire. I’m feeling unquestionably competent personally. This is a dramatic change vs. thinking “help me decide since I’m small and helpless”.
Third, I’m actually reflecting this evening, small changes are happening naturally, and I wondered about doing a loop of New Emperor tomorrow when I’ve benefitted tremendously by allowing that 2nd weekend rest day while using DR months back (listening only MWF). I know my struggle is a small resistance to letting go of old ways, as listening often sidelines the integration of major changes, at least for me.
I know what I want to do, and I’ll do it. I’ll rest.
To focus my point here, I know some major transition is under way internally. And I’m sad. But not overly so. I’m just so used to not moving in my life. Moving seems like death to something; what, I’m not sure.
And now, I’m unsure what I’ve been afraid of. Emperor seems to be stepping me into “me”, if that’s possible. It’s not giving direct dictates. It’s rather pointing to new growth and possibilities which are getting louder slowly. That’s always encouraged me while using Emperor.
I’m just steadily losing my old base, the emotional fortress I’ve hidden in, and behind. I feel like I’m in an emotional operating room, but I’m welcome to it. The thing is…the doctors aren’t doing anything. They’re dressed up for the operation, but it seems…that I’m removing the shackles and hindrances I’ve held to. They’re just there, smiling at me, encouraging this growth which I can and am doing.
It’s a powerful shift in responsibility. I’m like “what is THIS?” (and that question came from “fear” speaking up). I’m in constant adjustment and adaptation here. Thanks for listening.
End of PM