Khan Journal 2025 - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#101

Responsibility.

I hate that word.

It came to mind and stuck after…after I got pissed at my coworker for not being responsible (with my safety). I was actually looking for something to pin on him, making it all his fault.

But it never feels well when trying to throw someone under the bus. I wanted to blame him, but the conflicting emotions told me this was about ME, not him.

This was all in my head.

An hour later, I apologized for my bad mood, and he was cool with it. No issues between us the rest of the day.

Responsibility is something I’ve been mostly blind to. I work. I pay my bills. I look responsible. Others see me as hard working and responsible.

But a scared kid runs me most of the time, seeking the easiest, the least visible, and the (emotionally) safest route, if at all possible.

—f***, I actually use emotional words here…so others might “jump in and help”. The kid in me shouts in victory since he recruited someone else to take responsibility for me.
The victim mindset I’ve used is fully geared for others to “rescue me”, meaning another recruit is found. Poor me…puffy lipped…awwww…

Puke!

I just deleted a long sentence. I was trying to look mature and responsible. But today, and just now, I’m getting pieces of courage and truth. My emotional side feels weak in this, and I’m gonna have to learn how to be honest.

I’ve been scared of my pain too long. I believe as I begin to feel my self-love more, honesty will come much much easier.

Last point: this was all Stage 2. That excites me. I thought Khans were just persistent dicks (being honest there). I’d have never known things like personal responsibility were in a Khan’s makeup. I never knew this. I feel like such a newbie in real adulthood.

#102

Washout day 5
Resuming loops Sunday night

I’m tired of playing weak–that’s been my role.
I’m tired of playing weak. I’m tired of hiding behind it.

I DO feel insecure being strong. I realize it’s because my place has always been the follower, the helper, the agreeable one.

I’ve wrestled today in my mind, seeking to worm myself back into a familiar place. In that place, everything seemed safe.

I’m also wrestling with a truth this last hour: I’ve lived in a fantasy I created. Makes me feel weak and afraid of correction–that fear of being corrected popped up since I, this whole week, have projected this vice onto someone else.

Me acting weak is me trying to hold up pieces of my fantasy. Now I’m wondering what to do about it.

Where my head went today was considering another cycle of St.2. Then it changed to St.1. Then it changed to St.3. I’m just having mental recon, so no commitments at this time.

Also, I realized I’ve pushed everyone away–here and in real life–so I can avoid correction. Shitty way to live.

While taking a break just now, I realized I keep looking for the familiar responses. It’s more appealing. And the opposite? Feeling like I’m an utter failure, unworthy of love and having value. That’s why I’ve avoided correction.

But…why do I keep returning…and running from…and returning to—the belief that I’m a failure?

It’s a core trauma that steers my life. I follow low goals to avoid feeling this. (truth there). I wouldn’t have seen this if I’d not began writing about it. Writing puts me out on paper. I get some of the real me out.

I’m wondering…what the f*** should I do?

2 days left of washout. Loops of (something) and LBFH Sunday night.

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#103

Washout day 6

I’m having an little awakening happening. A transition from “keep away” to…more than I hoped for.

I’ve been on Khan 2 months now. It’s challenged some lasting impediments to growth continuously. …however, I’ve felt glued to an old image of myself. I’ve believed I was unlovable and unwanted.

I got back from getting my haircut a while ago, and I got challenged by a woman, the stylist.

She was late 20’s or early 30’s, but our conversation was very natural and honest. We talked about ourselves, back and forth. No stress. I aired I’m an introvert, and she said something that touched me. She said for an introvert, I was quite open and talkative. She encouraged me to get out more, as I said I am at work mostly. She even sincerely questioned if I was an introvert. She made me think.

I’m so used to holding back, protecting my heart. I just felt like I should be trustworthy and open for people (anyone) to open up to me as well. I did this, and the response was beautiful to me. Opening up wasn’t so terrible.

These are the encouraging moments I hold on to. They tell me I can grow.

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#104

Washout day 7
Khan St.3 and LBFH tonight

Khan has really been digging in. Not major explosions, but rather clear insights along with a PUSH. I’m not claiming victory here. But rather an admission of seeing choice now.

Maybe 30 minutes ago I had something come to mind, and this is what I’m seeing my resistance in. I heard in my head “get outside”, right after taking the dog outside to pee.

I’ll admit my inner reluctance. But strangely, I remember Khan’s sales page, which was changed since v.2 came out.

It said Khan would make you very uncomfortable if you sidestepped promptings. Mixing LBFH with Khan has kept me from bashing myself full-time, yet…I’m not wanting to settle in my “do nothing” stance.

Writing here seemed to have me see outside of my funk. I’m going to go explore while facing my insecurities. Just get outside.

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#105

I did something unplanned. I don’t have shields up admitting this, because I did something unexpected, even by myself.

I ran 5 minutes of Stage 1 over an hour ago, hoping to challenge old hangups first.

For days now, I’ve wondered what is real, what is true, and what is right for me. I’ve not posted such questions since I know, from experience, that that’s me begging someone to make the tough decisions for me.

I got a strong motivation last night reading some of @Phoenix’s journal. I found this:

I went for a long walk in my neighborhood, savoring the sense of freedom that’s being imbued in me by Khan. Yet repeatedly, I’d imagine a worst case situation in things happening around me. Mostly people being angry at me and rejecting me. Like fear tendrils from my mind still reaching for and seeking something to hold on to.

This stuff’s still alive in me, prompting continual fears, and Phoenix’s post put me in a warrior mindset to face and overcome this utterly persistent barrier to growth.

It’s strange, but since I’ve read St.2’s description a number of times, it makes sense. I’d have new imaginations of romantic involvements running right alongside fears screeching to hold up my guard. In fact, I spoke to one woman on my walk today. She was watering her lawn, she said hi, and I responded just as she had. —But my mind instantly went to finding words to seduce her and draw her in. I didn’t say anything else. Not that she was super attractive. I just noticed she was a woman seeking some attention. My mind went there, and it was obvious to me since I’ve usually…just shut down such thoughts. Like I very rarely think like that. Normally, I take a “little boy” position, seeing her in motherly way. This was how I felt safe around most older woman most of my life. It’s an old pattern I’m ashamed to keep reliving.

And that incident gave me courage.

2 minutes later, old childhood fears rose up, seemingly unrelated to the interaction, but they yelped and screeched to be heard. Which is why I’m wishing to confront them. To not be owned by fears of intimacy my whole life.

I’ll admit I’m afraid of being torn down here–those are my fears, pointing to the same root of being rejected. I’m wishing to grow out of this pattern, both here and with women around me. Khan helps me see women are EVERYWHERE. I’m tired of avoiding them.

I’m torn since St.1 tears down unhealthy beliefs and fears, while St.3 throws you out there, basically confronting those fears head on. I have doubts about my decision since I’ve rarely faced my fears head on. It’s lifelong beliefs I’m facing.

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#106

I’m remembering something @friday said. Friday came here years back, young and really anxious to get into med school, and for whatever reason, he chose Khan as his growth tool. He went straight to Stage 4 (which wasn’t recommended). He ran K4, he found his groove, and he got into med school with energy to spare. He stuck with Khan, he had loads of girls through the years, and he came later saying Khan was much more than a sex sub. (@James has mentioned this point several times, but I’ve not found it yet. Where is it found @James?)

It points you to be a better man, a better person.

I mention this because I’ve felt torn by moving to St.1–out of a desire to be in compliance with what others do or recommend. That’s significant because this is how I live and have lived all my life. Just going along with others. Agreeing with them. Giving up my wants out of a fear of losing their love (even here on an anonymous forum. Yeah).

But Khan IS moving in me, reminding me of my value, helping me to move forward. I feel a strength, and I feel energized.

Those old traumas have called the shots tooooo damn long. It’s time to actually look at them.

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#107

Patience is not the ability to wait but how you act while you’re waiting.

I read some post in this forum, they listened to Khan and hurriedly finished it and then in months they complain that it did nothing to them. They simply lack the passion of not rushing things.

While your in Khan the emotions of the past will go up at the surface and you will witnessed these and normally will fear them, they are not there to scare you for life but rather make you a better person or even the best version of you.

And if you stayed longer (not doing multiple loops listening to it) you will noticed that some people will ignore you but those same people will tip toe with your presence. When I was in stage 2 I noticed I began to dress properly, I had this urge and doing it to cleaned anything that is dirty. And women keeps noticing me. It is not really necessary to dress up smart, perfume, etc. Khan will help show you the way.

We need to resonate with Khan in order to experienced what it was, otherwise we will miss all the fun.

Because in stage 3 it was a very heavy kind of fun.

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#108

Thanks @Phoenix. I appreciate your encouragement to stay on it, as I’ve had that idea since starting that real change happens only when one sticks with a sub. I did months on Emperor before this, and the resilience scripting stayed in my head for a while, encouraging me to see Khan through. Before Emperor, I didn’t have that thinking. Long-term use had great effects.

I’ve been looking for that thinking lately. It helped me feel secure in my choices.

My plan originally was to run 1, 2, 3, and 4 in sequence, then repeat or dig in on one, like K4. Right now, I’m digging in on K1. A month down the road is too long to predict, but post-K1, I’m looking at K3, then K4.

I’m actually … seeking to know my goals right now. But having done 5 minutes of K1 earlier today, I sense it’s already tearing down my templates and norms, so my actual goals may be completely different in a month or two. K1 makes everything I thought I knew feel fragile.

#109

I was listening to LBFH while writing. 3 minutes became almost 9.

Oops.

#110

I honestly don’t know. I will try to find it though

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#111

I remembered this morning you sharing it in the Emperor discussion thread just months back. I haven’t looked yet, but I’ll pull it up myself.

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#112

I searched for it, both in the Emperor thread and the New Khan thread. Haven’t found it.

It’ll show up :+1:

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#113

Do you have any idea what I said?

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#114

Day 2
Rest day

5 minutes of St.1 was too much, so I’ll go back to 3 minutes tomorrow.

But this round is digging deeper. Even during the 1 minute I’ve been writing so far, I caught myself remembering being fake here, and disgust came.

In short, it’s going straight to who I am and who I’ve sought to “appear” as.

Oddly, it’s welcome. It kills the stress of pretending. I fucking hate doing that to myself.

And @James, I read your comment in the Khan discussion about it undoubtedly taking you from thinking you’re a kid and transforming him into an adult. Yes!! I was experiencing this on Emperor, but gains are much more subtle on Emperor. Total Breakdown, however, tears right through my own bullshit quickly! And wow! No beating my own ass afterwards!!

I really look forward to the daily shifts and changes :slight_smile:

#115

You posted Friday’s quote of him saying that Khan was much more than a sexual subliminal. He said it makes you a better man overall.

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#116

See that’s the thing I feel has been my entire purpose in running subliminals. Even when I was running subs from other companies before SubClub was a thing it has always been my end goal

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#117

Here you go

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#118

Reading that made me realize that it’s not about chasing women or anything else. It’s about becoming such a high value man that anything outside of that is a nice accoutrement.

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#119

I’ve said I wanted to be an adult, and that’s true. However, what I’ve really wanted is to love and value myself, even a little more than I (didn’t) yesterday. I’ve treated myself very, very harshly when I even barely glimpse other’s relationships with themselves.

Caring about myself has, sadly, always been a weakness of mine. I’m stacking Khan with LBFH right now since during (either St.1 or St.2) I realized that major hole in myself. Somehow I began reading Viktor’s journal–and he had major breakthroughs with it.

Using Khan is mostly “how do I do this?”

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#120

Bingo! That’s it!

Thank you. I’ve been wanting to dig into it

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