Khan Journal 2025 - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Day 14
Stage 1 started 1/1/25 (unplanned)
Stacking TWTP with it
3 minute loops

I began Khan January 1, and it’s been 2 weeks now. My aim was and is to …not keep doing the same shit in my life over and over again.

I’ve been scared of Khan in the past. Even the sales page tested me reading it. Why did I begin it? I opened up a SC email, read that @James had begun it, and given I’d been focusing on similar issues with another subliminal (not SC), I decided to go all in.

Big reason: On any SC sub I’ve ever used, the support scripting kept me going. Emperor, DR, any of them have that back door covered when I’m wondering “WTF am I doing? Who am I?” and that scripting kicks in saying “watch this!!” I often feel fulfilled shortly after feeling hopeless. I’ve learned to look for it. It gives me hope and courage moving forward.

I didn’t begin a journal starting out since I knew I’ve been relying on lying to others and myself, and I didn’t want to share it. Feeling like a scared boy putting up a front to hide behind. I’d rather never write than use that again and again. I only began tonight since…I WANT to be honest. So I’m sharing. I did begin a private journal just days ago to let stuff out.

And Total Breakdown is delivering almost every day. I came home from work tonight, and I was uncomfortable. For years, I’ve come home…and hid from reality in my mind. I’ve used food, movies, following some unrelated emotional whim----anything—just to avoid what scared the crap out of me.

While walking into my house, I felt my mind easily slip into “we’re not going to face THAT”. But…I was thinking of how St.1 obliterates our old poor foundations. So I didn’t panic. I don’t think I’ve ever been so aware I’d gone into hiding. This was a first.

I’m gonna do 1 cycle of each stage, and then return later. I look forward to what I’ve not seen or experienced.

On a little sidenote, TWTP was kicking in today. I was at work, and I felt powerful. Important. It was pleasantly shocking, and I’m glad I’m stacking it. @Jouissance used it with Khan, saying it helped his relational stress, and I am enjoying similar experiences. It tones down me wanting to attack people acting stupid. The self-control it provides is a gift. I’m also seeing and feeling the power dynamics. In fact, I actually understood that one punk was testing me today. I never saw it like that before. Normally, I’d feel and react like an angry but helpless kid among bullies. I realized this, and decided to leave him alone. I normally want to retaliate…but I knew he’d do this with anyone. He’s a scared kid himself.

Yeah, both subs are working in me. I’m glad I read that email.

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#2

Day 15
Khan last night
TWTP this morning

I questioned my reasons for sharing this. Seriously.

No major pain rising. I just fantasized about calling out today. Not because of work.

But because I’d rather avoid what my mind is slowly embracing. My past. My truth.

I just realized, too, that my mom hid constantly, night and day. Life was all about hiding in my childhood. She used alcohol. I used TV and food. The message was “avoiding is our only hope”. Sounds like Star Wars.

But she conveyed there was no hope. I’ve lived my life like that–and writing that made me aware that that’s been a secret I kept from myself.

Gonna get up now.

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#3

Day 16

I’m thinking Khan is moving me towards something I’ve sought. It’s also what I’ve been desperately avoiding.

The lie to myself is “I want to deal with this.” But the truth is I’ve been terrified. It involves my brother and how I felt powerless to change anything. I’ve spent decades avoiding this.

I’m sensing Khan is moving in closer to this root.

Yesterday while working and talking with a coworker, the dad issue came up. Both our dads weren’t there.

In all my years using subs, I’ve never felt…what I felt yesterday. I felt my need for a father. It wasn’t overwhelming. I’d just never really felt it. I never allowed it.

I then realized…I think…no, I know I put this expectation onto my brother. The awareness is still unraveling.

Feeling sappy now. This is working.

To also share how Khan is moving closer to this root, I’ve had thoughts of deleting posts again. Like exposing this wound and being vulnerable… no no no. I’ve had that anger pointed at anyone reading this, wanting them to BACK OFF. All to protect myself. I felt it in my last journal too, when I’d just be honest.

Khan is doing something, for sure.

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#4

Khan is working on my posing and hiding behind fronts. I was driving for work, I was scared and sad since Khan makes me consider leaving old ways, and I had a clear moment.

I asked with both desire and curiosity “what would life be like if I wasn’t posing?”

I became very aware and uncomfortable about it yesterday. I’m a little more relaxed now.

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#5

Day 17
Khan last night
TWTP this morning

I just opened up the Khan sales page, and just reading that makes me grateful I’ve got 2 more weeks with St. 1. I haven’t experienced what I expected, like grueling recon. But past times with DR made me aware I was experiencing overload regularly.

When I finally chose to start 5 minute loops with DR, it was incredibly different. It was a walk in the park compared to before.

So what I experienced today at work felt like much more than St. 1. I believe Saint’s said there’s some overlap in every stage.

My last hour at work I was alone, and I felt genuinely confident. I felt like I was living in a new reality, one which I’ve played parts of it, and this imagined scenario was a growing culmination of it all.

At first I imagined debating with my female manager–and I continually played off what she said. She’s defensive full-time, though she’d never admit that. So I was looking for an opening. While she defended everything she did, I sensed a hurt woman, and in this imagination, I desired her to find peace, understanding, and ultimately, an acceptance of her living out some pain from her past in every relationship

— After writing that, I see myself attempting to heal…myself. I see myself in her actions. I see myself. Lately it’s been easy to identify those traits of hers…but I haven’t been able to blame and hold grudges against her. I haven’t been willing to address these issues in myself…so maybe she was a test subject.

Yeah. That’s exactly what happened.

And stuff is still brewing. My mind is tired, and my emotions are loose. I’m gonna pull off here. Still processing stuff.

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#6

Day 18
Rest day

I’m losing old mental escape routes.

I woke up looking for familiar mindsets to step into, which consist of “what do I have to avoid today?” I usually look for some creation of mine to view the world with.

I experienced two things. First, the escape routes weren’t readily available. Normally I feel a lot of fear quickly and escape routes allow me to put blinders on.

And second, I feel fear actually lessening. This stuff usually owns me. I sense that leadership drive building inside of me, and this with fear are incompatible. The drive is taking over. I have some purpose to fulfill, and that’s growing.

I’m also taking the weekends off subs. Back when I began 5 minute loops with DR, I did MWF only. That made weekends full of changes and realizations since it gave more time for DR to activate. I remember big changes happening, like changes at my core.

Seems like things are already moving. This is amazing!

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#7

I wrote this morning about revelations years back while allowing DR an extra rest day.

I didn’t have to work today, so I stayed home and have been in bed all day.

5 minutes ago I had one of those revelations. I’m doing what I’ve always done, which is hide in my room, consider the outside world a threat to my “safety”, and pass time by looking for something exciting or interesting, be it news, a story, an email, or something which will…

…distract me from everything I’m thinking and believing about life.

I’d taken a nap, woke up, and began looking for those “escape routes” I spoke of this morning. They’re actually like “reality shields”. Or rose-colored glasses.

They’re used to avoid my own thinking. To purposefully avoid awareness of what I’m thinking and believing about my own life. It’s become more obvious this week.

I’m seeing this.

#8

Day 19
Loops tonight

I just replied to a trader I’m working with, and I shared stuff which is true.

I’d told him about a coworker who wants to jump out of the rat race, and I shared the trader’s info with my coworker. But the coworker has been completely quiet, speaking to neither of us about this.

While thinking about this this morning, I wrote freely. I’ll paste my reaction.

Beginning of reply:

He’s been quiet since I told him about you.
I see a good thing in this reaction of his. I, too, made many of my early financial choices on emotions. I knew making money was easy. But what ran me, and is still alive in me, are the old fears I’ve lived my life with.

Most sound stupid at first look, yet these beliefs were formed while I was very young. I feared hurting people if I made money. I feared losing relationships, even within family, if I became rich.

Keeping the family together was most important to me, so I sacrificed that dream. We had enough, and enough was…enough.

End of reply

I feel like I’m looking through adult eyes presently. This intrigues me, even excites me.

In this present mindset, I don’t feel STUCK.

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#9

That’s quite the achievement.
Did you feel like this before in the last couple of years, or is this new to you?

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#10

Feeling “stuck” was me hiding out in my fears, avoiding challenges to my norm. I’ve been there for years since I’ll work on some issue, it’ll be exciting…but old fears will make themselves known, and I’ve often pulled back. Many, many times. This constant anchor of fears was motivation to begin Khan.

I had gotten into a sidenote, sharing about changes I experienced on both Primal and ASBR. And after good runs on each…I retreated. To my “safe” spot. My “stuck” spot.

These failings are motivation to change. For me personally, it’s me allowing change. One more loop of TB, then washout, then St.2. I’m going to do all 4 stages like this before running stages longer.

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#11

I experienced something an hour ago, and when I think about it, it makes me wonder what’s going on in my mind. Like…what’s true in me today?

I went grocery shopping, and it was low-stress—but truthfully, I felt vulnerable. I talked with 3 different people in that hour…and something similar came up in EACH conversation. Normally, I’d dismiss it. But Khan’s showing me something.

What happened with each person was they asked me to repeat myself. I was talking lower than I thought I was, and each said “what?” or something similar.

This strikes me since I’m the person who usually hides from myself when feeling a lot of emotion. So 3 people, back to back, asking me to repeat myself tells me…“I’d rather you leave me alone”. Talking low is how I usually signal this.

It also reminds me of what I wrote in a post, saying we often say "I want this ", but SC subs have a way of pointing out our real truth, mostly in recon symptoms.

I went to the store trying to feel some of the power I’ve experienced so far on Khan…but something was saying in me “no. Let’s GTFO of here”. That’s what’s running in me right now.

So, I’m hopping off.

#12

I think this is a very good sign.
You feel the change happening already, you take action by going out.
Then you feel the old you being still strong, having the upper hand.
But still, you did it.

Keep it up.

#13

I find that a lot. An awful lot. I’ll experience some imagination of change, of simply evaporating the past, and I’ll move towards it quickly.

Then…that “old you” creeps up, pretending he’s respectful, but acting gleeful, like he’s won already.

He’s the great discourager in such power takeovers. Trying to quickly make me say “f^^^ it!!”

Yeah, I’ve had that intrapersonal confrontation many times. I’m just sensitive right now. Feeling a LOT.

#14

I want to share something incredible before closing out this weekend.

45 minutes ago I was in a recon battle, consistently trying to “stay put”, not change, not be broken…and something gave within me.

Minutes before this, I was aware that my pain and loneliness were…me not being there for myself. it’s useless and putrid, honestly, knowing this and NEVER being able to change it. Life can seem pointless when I consistently feel empty, powerless, and fearful of the unknown.

And then something changed. I don’t know what happened, but…I suddenly felt a connection–with myself. For maybe 10 seconds, nothing more. But I felt ME. The me I’ve been disconnected from…since my childhood.

How do I express this? Words are useless here. I just never expected that. And how can words express joy of a major need met? I’m out of words.

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#15

Day 21

Last listen tonight before washout

St.1 is doing something I never thought a subliminal would touch. It’s moving in on a life changing experience and memory with my brother.

Desired, but truly unexpected.

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#16

Yeah, it’s digging in. Tears will come. Anger surfaced last night. Blew up on my trader. A move he made clearly reminded me of being betrayed. I caught myself, stopped, and apologized. He was an easy target in my anger.

I keep thinking of the sales page. Am I willing to go through anything to achieve this healing?

I’m not opposed to it at all. I’m ready for this. I’m answering, and I’m a mix of soft and scared.

Going to work. Last night I considered not going in. That won’t help me. I felt this in my 20’s and acted out, but I had everyone way beyond arm’s reach. My walls aren’t so high. Out.

#17

Then look forward to the next cycle. Stage 2 will provide you with the new alignment and the right mindset you need to adapt to the change.

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#18

This is cool.

I’ve seen this a couple of times already. I’ll be in some old mindset like I was this morning, and…my thoughts change.

From victim to creator.
From helpless to imagining building something.
From worthless to …loved.

This is beautiful. All I did was just be me. This is empowering.

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#19

The biggest thing that’s stuck with me today is me questioning myself mercilessly.

Identity. Who am I? Kicking my own ass when I realized I was “fronting”.

I’ve been home 2 hours, have hid in news articles and ice cream…since I don’t have any reasonable answer for myself. Upon writing that, I see it’s standard recon.

Feels like this old me is being ripped from me. Recon always comes and goes like rain where I live, so I’m imagining feeling good.

Yeah, I was back and forth between self-disgust and joy most of the day. Given the day gave me both, I would like more of them since a lot of real growth often happens when I face my actual thinking.

Funny–I call bullshit on myself. Real growth comes with some degree of pain…so nahhh. I know I’ll pass.

–seriously, I felt a great deal of uncomfortableness come while writing. Kicking my ass. Being “objective” is complete bullshit. Ain’t happening.

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#20

And despite this inner battle…

I’m imagining running EOG1 along with Khan. I haven’t fully thought that out…but the more wealth stuff I read, the more I realize my life completely revolves around wealth’s connections and the beliefs I have of it.

I ran EOG St.1 for a couple of months when it first came out (2019?) What I clearly remember was my outlook on life opening up for the positive. It wasn’t one big thing. It was a lot of little things.

I still remember one afternoon, the sun dropping in the west sky, giving a glowing orange glare. Felt like freedom, like it felt close to it. I had driven into a plaza that had a 24-hour gym. Now, I’ve never joined a gym. Never. I get tense even thinking of it (tied to fears of rejection most likely).

But Saint mentioned numerous times in early forum writings about ambitions and future dreams that things like weight training were a manifestation of one’s desire to grow (gross paraphrase). Me walking into that gym that day was something in EOG growing in me, a desire…NO…a knowledge and acceptance that I was growing.

I’ll share something I know I’ve never shared. I felt inadequate in there (maybe 5 minutes total) AND…I felt disappointed in myself before I even left, for I was sure I’d not return. Like I knew and felt something good in that experience, and I tried to suppress it again.

Why? Because considering possible changes threatened my “safe” world of not doing anything. I may have…I may have gotten involved. Yeah, I felt like shit about myself once I left.

I’d like to do this again, and not live in old mental cages.

Minor but legit reason for running EOG: it has G:AOH in it. I’ve felt like a kid drawn to it…but I’ve dismissed that, like it’s a distant pipedream. I could get that, plus hope for the future, plus being unhinged from past wealth blockades. It’s looking like a go to me.

I just had an EOG flashback. I remember thinking…knowing…I was letting go of old standards I grew up with, the ones where I tell myself “this’ll never change”. They still hold on to me.

(Even writing that, that voice rises up and says “can you DO this?” <<-- doubting myself is showing itself as a way I’ve kept myself from trying.) Fucking insights from Khan

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