Khan Journal 2025 - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#21

Washout day 1

I’m having the strangest thing happening internally.

I feel like what I’ve identified with, in other words, my entire life and what I look for everyday, is falling away.

Right now, and since I woke up, my gut’s trying to hang on to something.

When I woke up, I imagined me wailing without restraint. I saw myself going out to my car to let it out.

I’ve kept this in my entire existence. I thought if I keep it inside, it’ll help the family…you know, decisions kids make thinking they’re helping situations.

Wow. Let’s go forward. I am.

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#22

Washout day 2

Having trouble writing lately. I’ll have a clear focus, but I begin writing, and I ‘neuter’ my message.

Goes from being me to putting on the face of “do you like me?”

I want change.

Wondering: St.1 or St.2 next?

Edit: I’m fighting good choices every minute this morning. Every. Single. Thing.

This is my recon. Not overload. Thoughts battling. Fiercely.

#23

I’m emotionally off today. Driving for work, and I’m focusing on poor choices people make.

Actually I’m seeing my own failures. It’s easier to project it onto others than own it.

TB at work.

Did just catch a girl’s attention. Nice experience in the midst of this

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#24

Have you considered Revelation of Mind?

#25

I had to check my downloads. I own it.

Why do you mention it?

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#26

I’m wondering if it might help you heal what you need healing. Rather than approach healing directly with a title like Sanguine: The Elixir, perhaps indirectly with something such as RoM.

What are you going to listen to for the next 10 days?

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#27

I’ve got 3 more days of washout, and then I’m going to start stage 2 of Khan.

I have 2 trains of thought to your suggestion, and I welcome your feedback.

  1. I’ve never fully appreciated the focus of ROM–because Khan (and recent healing titles) have helped me realize I’ve been fearful of learning something which is tied to some trauma. So, ROM is neither good nor bad to me. But…I realize me avoiding ROM is due to avoiding that fear.

  2. A major draw to Khan hit me in my first week. Namely, ambition and direction were handed to me. I mention this since I pasted a meme in the Khan discussion forum before I started Khan, but I never explained why it hit me.

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I’ve been using emotional healing titles for almost 9 years–and I found something missing once I made some progress. It was not knowing my own power or being aware of my ability to make those big changes in life. Most importantly, I never had a drive to move towards those things. This quote made me aware of that.

My only focus HAD been eliminating everything uncomfortable in myself, honestly. But, when the hell does that ever end? I was in this single-focused mindset many, many years. Even here on other healing subliminals.

In my first days of using Total Breakdown, it surprisingly gave me glimpses of what was possible. Not just eternally battling my demons. But heck, moving into things I’ve been sidestepping for years.

–Like women and relationships. (Nothing YET, but glimpses. I had one today)
–Making more than just paycheck money. (I’m doing that now with a forex trader)
–Even leading people in different capacities. (My biggest drive is here. Khan fills something in me and people see it)

That’s my main reason for being on Khan. Considering stage 2 is the meat of this drive and focus, I’m really looking forward to it.

Can you elaborate more on what you’ve read or heard about with others while they used ROM? I’ve not heard about it.

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#28

I’m tempted to list some of my experiences. However if you are on Khan, and Khan is a big program, perhaps stay the course. Stage 1, 2, 3, and 4. THEN perhaps re-assess.

More or less, the reason I’ve considered it for you is a similar reason I encouraged @Fractal_Explorer to think about it. You both have been using healing titles, and for some reason (from my perspective) the progress has seemed small given the time they were used. So it got me thinking “how about removing the mental garbage with consciousness expansion, rather than a direct approach”.

For me, sure it’s helped me think about myself and life differently. And in doing so, things that used to bother me or distress me, just seem so less relevant.

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#29

This has been my plan. The lesson was learned after never moving to stage 3 or 4 of DR, and I officially started it 3 different times. About 95% of the time I was in stage 1.

Over a year back, I’d read @Michel’s experience on DR stage 3. I had real regret, as I’d been stuck in the same stage, avoiding growth. His written experience got my attention. There was more.

I only had doubts about going to stage 2 of Khan this morning, as washout has allowed it to dig in more.

But my mindset has been “why NOT?” I’ve not wanted a repeat of listening to fear again. I’ve also seen a number of guys heavily promoting stage 2, which encourages me. I’m gonna go forward with this.

Khan definitely instills some courage.

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#30

Washout day 3

I feel good, and I’m wanting to acknowledge the stress changes that have been going on with stage 1. I’ll just list them.

  • I feel drawn towards being responsible for myself.

  • I don’t feel owned by shame when taking time to see I haven’t been responsible for myself. This feels GOOD.

  • Not drawn toward fear immediately. I LOVE this!

  • I’m not trying to distract myself as I acknowledge this. Usually I turn on music so my attention is scattered. I feel peaceful, not desiring an escape.

  • The biggest truth: this was all UNEXPECTED.

Total Breakdown was always touted as the roughest, most recon-laid subliminal, and … it worked into my fears, preserving the norm I lived in. I was scared of me, scared of my anger, fearing imagined shit left and right. But…all that woo-woo fear never helped me grow. I’d seen this for years, and Khan helped torpedo some of them.

It DID scare the shit out of me a couple of days early on, feeling it yanking and pulling my long-held beliefs and norms. I’m just glad I didn’t quit. Maybe…yes…I’d like to thank Fire and Saint for warning us in the sales page of its difficulty. If I hadn’t been prepared for it, I’d have likely bailed. My strongest desire was to NOT be a quitter, a feeble wimp in facing my inner truths, and that pushed me forward. So, I’m grateful for that challenge. It worked!

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#31

Today I did absolutely nothing. Looking at past actions and today’s result, I’m in the habit of hiding again.

Looking over life choices.

I’m writing since … I’m lonely (true)…but I’m not desiring my old negative stomping grounds. I had some flashbacks moments ago, and I’m wondering “what ELSE is there?” Normally that’d be all negative. I’m seriously wondering “what can I DO?”

I flashed back to my last year of college. I learned to like the library, I got good at doing research–and I had little passion for my actual degree. I’d been enjoying the lifestyle of college. Umm…I knew I was in the socially accepted avenue to “find a career”…but I never cared about that. I knew my hiding in libraries was socially sanctioned. I knew it was going to end, so I enjoyed it.

I wanted to feel valuable. I wanted to find some worth. I wasn’t a social climber AT ALL, but I kept building my skills hoping, maybe, someone would want them or use them. And…that’s a scarcity mentality. Like a professional version of “if I’m good enough, wealthy enough…she’ll like me” Meanwhile, I’d imagine (and did so many times) thinking noone really wanted me. So, one outlet at that time was going to AlAnon meetings, essentially meeting other family members of alcoholics searching for some hope in their lives. That too, became a cocoon from life for me. I lived in and looked for such cocoons, seeking such hideouts since…I could feel safe for a while.

Yeah. Scarcity stinks. Hiding breeds more hiding. —and I’m seeing I’m assuming bad outcomes. Bad results if I get out. Like I’ll feel bad if I do. Damn…

I’m used to seeing bad results. I’m gonna hop up…but I’m considering something…it’s a stretch.

I’m considering stacking EOG St.1 with Khan St.2. AoH is in it, and Khan St.2 is about building. But seriously…imagining something good over bad is actually what I WANT.

While writing that paragraph, I realize I’d completely skipped AoH as a stack choice. For the same “seeing bad first” habit I mentioned, I’ve avoided AoH.

WTF should I do now? I’m asking for myself. I’m not used to believing in myself, thus doubting future success ventures. Yeah…WTF should I do? What will happen? Is one better for me (EOG), or do I just want to feel good (AoH)?

:smiley: The old me is battling for his usual place of control. But…I feel more in control of me. I’m wanting good things.

Without using others to make the decision for me. BANG! That’s a growth point.

Jumping up. It’s almost 8, but I don’t fucking care. Getting out.

#32

I’m prefering EoG over AoH for me.
Simply because EoH1 has Worthiness Recalibration. I think this is the best chance to heal my self-worth Issue.

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#33

What’s your stack right now?

And is the worthiness calebration felt heavily?

I ask right out since I’ve seen guys mention it, but sparingly amongst all the other awarenesses popping up on EOG. Jouissance mentioned it early on

#34

My stack ist TB, my LB and Ascension Custom, EoG1 and microloops of ME.

Its not like I’m reeling worthiness Recalibration doing it’s work. But I’ll trust that it will do the job oblver some time.

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#35

To own my truth, what I’ve been avoiding is the belief that bad shit that happened to me was my fault. Every bit.

I’ve fiercely avoided this “truth” since…since I’ve been following an old childish belief: if someone does something bad, they need to be punished. I usually begin punishing myself quickly and easily.

I can quickly go into a spiral of self-degradation, belittling, and devaluing of myself. And I hurt the most when I kick my own ass.

I’m thinking of another user’s story here, and his result. Using DR, one day he journaled that somehow he just saw his parents as following their own negative training and treatment they’d received, dumping all of it on him. Somewhere, somehow, it took the sting from those memories.

I don’t see or feel these memories daily, but when they surface, all else seems irrelevant. —For what it’s worth, I HATE hiding from this stuff (one of the other MAJOR reasons I began Khan). I’d rather face hell straight on vs. fearing it poking through my peace constantly. The latter is 1000X worse, per my experience. WAY more stressful.

#36

I’m uncomfortable–angry even. I’m seeing myself trying to “fit in” again here.

I’m not talking about melding with others. This is the same pattern I’ve used here–other places too–where I put the honest me in a trash can but put on any smile or face that dishonestly says “I’ll do anything to feel loved, important, wanted”.

FUCK.

I got an email from another producer who’s subs I’ve used just months back, and I’m still doing the same damn thing.

This is why I bolted from this forum maybe 6 months back. I felt helpless to change, so I got out. FAST.

I’m just disgusted with this pattern. Selling my soul to feel valued.

I’m ANGRY

—damn, the honest edit. I just realized that being real and vulnerable is one of my main traumas I hide…from me. From everyone. I usually run away, mentally first (fantasies), and slowly in real life. I was seeing myself blowing up a work friendship Friday.

Because I feel fearful and vulnerable, while wanting attention and kindness. Those two oppose each other.

I’ve never been here, meaning feeling all this but having a sense of self-responsibility too.

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#37

I never shared something. I’m thinking I’m shorting myself when I say “it’s not important”, so I’m going to share this.

Aahhh. Breathing. Stressed from the prior writing.

I wrote last night about getting out of the house. I showered and went to a store to refill my water jugs, my norm.

But…I felt drawn into the store (the water machines are outside). I had done some honest praying hours before, and I thought “maybe God’s speaking to me”. I walked in, holding back both fear and excitement.

I walked in, and I looked around wondering “why am I here?” I needed nothing. I walked a few steps, and I saw…a sales table of spiral cut honey-baked hams, selling at 49c a pound.

Butttt… I wondered. No way. No. But… I’d prayed to find a similar ham over a week back. And here it was. Right in front of me.

I experimented with a dish 2 weeks prior, and it was AWESOME. I’d have never suspected it’d draw me in.

Soaked and cooked pinto beans (throwing out the water it soaks in removes the “fart” juice)
Mash them with a potato masher
Salt to taste
One stick of butter
1/2 cup of olive oil

And the ham, fat and all. A coworker gave me a frozen one they’d not used for Christmas. I gobbled some right off the carcass. Put some in two containers. And put in excessive amounts in the bean mix.

======

Just like here on this forum, I stood in front of those hams trying to justify why I wasn’t worth such treatment. I took one. Just over $8. But normally 3.49/lb, and they were on sale for 49c/lb. This ham cost over $50 the day before.

I brought it home and made 5 different bags and containers of meat for the freezer. Too many containers in the freezer from last week’s cooking, so I’ll probably make it again next weekend.

=======

Sharing all that makes me feel vulnerable. But that’s me. I cried some too. That’s me too.

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#38

Day 4 of washout

I’ll share something else that’s making me question my reactions and my unrealistic expectations of others. This involves my 19 yo daughter.

About 2 weeks back she and I got talking on the phone, which is a real rarity since she’s in college full-time.

She’s living a real liberal lifestyle, going to a very liberal college, and she’s becoming more impassioned about…all the political changes. I didn’t react, but I couldn’t hold out forever. I disagreed with her calmly. I reacted once her argument turned to attacking everything I stand for. I’ve never had much respect for people parroting their side’s beliefs with no factual basis…and I realized…I had the same internal reactions she was vocalizing.

I’ve had those same condescending stances in non-political arenas–but—I saw it. I knew that same “you’re wrong” mentality. I bowed out, knowing I’ve regretted such stances later.

This week she tried baiting me into a squabble via text. I said that nothing good ever comes out of these discussions.

—The truth is…I felt like I was losing the only person in my family who I trust. I wanted to end the discussion, which baited her more.

She texted me today, and I cut her short. I wouldn’t take this treatment from anyone. I let her know I’d block her number if she persisted.

Explaining that, St.1 is still working on me. Like it’s still stirring old beliefs in me. I didn’t want a fucked up relationship with my daughter, so I quickly justified distancing myself from her. (huh??)

Surprisingly, she came back, seeking some understanding. And my anger was turning to grief, so TB was definitely at work. The grief cycle.

To be fair to her, I said I was an angry man today on the tail end of masculine healing sub, the toughest one I’ve ever used. I told her I didn’t want to estrange her, and I was sorry I had pushed her away.

I ended with letting her know that my anger will pass, and grief will come after. I let her know I was heading that way.

What I didn't tell her:

I didn’t tell her I feel quite clueless as a man today. Or I’m wondering, on and off, where my dad was. (I’ve rarely, rarely had such thoughts. Like close to never)
I’ve spent my whole life mimicking other males, always seeking some sign that they think I’m valuable. Since if they think I’m valuable, I will be. Playing the “role” has been a daily experience, and I’m 53.
45 minutes ago I went out to change my car’s wiper blades. Felt clueless…scared…since I feared failing this task and know noone or trust anyone to play that same old role of “big brother” or “fill-in dad” for me. A guy I’ve met walked his dog down my street. I thought “he’s not like me. He knows himself and is secure”. I never spoke to him, fearing rejection. I also heard guys a few doors down loudly cheering a football game on TV.
I felt alone…but minutes later little awarenesses were telling me …that I had what I needed. Kind of. It’s on and off.

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#39

Washout day 5

I woke up feeling my brain searching for goodness amongst the bad.

That’s a nice feeling.

#40

I was reading Trader’s journal, relaxing as I read.

I suddenly felt drawn to an old mentality of (this bothered me as soon as I began writing)

of being an adult but staying (being stuck) in a little boy mindset. Expecting anyone else to lead. Feeling powerless. Unable to change.

I also feel repulsion about this. I did that for so long that I ungladly fell into that mindset when with others.

I’m writing because I’m not stuck there now. The chains have been broken that held me back.

Choice. I have that now. This is right in line with the self-responsibility that’s been growing. Suweet

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