Day 1
Khan St.2
3 minute loops
Listened last night
Facing some fear this morning.
I’m gonna call it what it is.
I’ve hid from life for years. I sense St.2 is the drill sergeant pushing me to give up my securities…and I just sensed this…to jump into life.
Creation and destruction together.
I tried to join the military twice in my life. Medical issue. The order and self-discipline attracted me. And I value time I spend working with vets at my job.
The mental focus I see repeatedly is incredible.
I’m looking forward to running Stage 2 on Saturday.
I totally understand that. It was the same for me.
I was excited for military duty after school. To learn discipline, train my body, loose weight etc.
A guy two years my senior lost 20kg during basic training. Then I met him after he finished his 9 months. He gained 30 kg because they were sitting around all day drinking a few liters of beer every day. Every day after basic training (4.5 months).
That was the moment I decided for civilian service.
That made me laugh!
I heard this story in a few variations a couple of times. First half was demanding, rewarding, giving you strength and discipline.
The second half was training to endure the hardest torture of boredom.
In your readings, were you saying the second half was St.2? I wanted to check before responding
No 
Military duty in Germany.
First half - basic training -demanding, rewarding, giving you strength and discipline
Second half - not having anything to do - training to endure the hardest torture of boredom
I feel a bit ignorant @Parsifal. I completely missed that connection originally. Thanks for your explanation.
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St.2 has been working on me, and yes, it seems moreso like a healing sub. Not of past memories, like diving straight in, but rather having me see how habitual actions do not feel good. Right now I’m still trying to simmer down some angst I’ve felt today.
From early on today, I sensed a slight internal grieving. Like, in Khan style, it was quietly ripping away old things (in my mind) which I’ve accepted time and time again. I still feel slightly stressed, though I can’t and couldn’t name why. Just an uncomfortableness.
One brief interaction highlights how I’ve felt all day. In a lengthy share…
Within an hour of work starting, I found out a handful of our company’s top higher-ups had come to our site today. I never talked with any of them…but I was anxious (I was, but I’ve been trying to deny it). I got into a good groove physically on site…while wondering if I really cared what they thought. Inside, I usually saw myself as small and powerless, but something in me was growing. It was a strength I’d never tapped into. It wasn’t at full force, but it was growing.
Due to the numerous emotions swirling around, I found myself putting on some mental shield to not feel so much. Then, something happened.
A young, simply dressed, beautiful woman walked out the main door as I was walking by it swiftly, and I noticed. A half second later, I turned to look her in the eyes. What I did was quickly turn away after meeting her gaze, and she’d showed a bright wide-eyed smile at me. I didn’t turn back.
My reaction bothered me for at least an hour. I felt…gonna be really honest here…like I’d rejected serving her. I felt bad.
I’ve played a subservient role to others my entire life, both men and women. I’ve always seen it as my “job” to nurture what’s in others first (selfishly motivated). I immediately felt this toward her. My reason: me believing if I loved them first, then they might love me. The interaction I wrote about felt like I rejected that role. It felt like I came off as saying “I don’t want this”, and by my old standards and beliefs, I hurt her…I also felt I’d hurt me too since that’s the main way I’ve always received any kind of love. I felt an immediate desire to apologize to her–nothing ever happened, but I felt like I’d done something wrong. (I only saw how I hurt myself in the last 5 minutes I’ve been writing)
So, St.2 stretched me today. Too tired mentally to explain more. Still remnants of that interaction going through my mind. My internal script changed, and I’m still trying to reconcile that.
Day 2
Loop tonight
I’m here, trying to do something that’s never really worked. I’m wishing for someone to say I’m valuable. I’ve been doing this for years. I woke up feeling old dissonance, being here before.
I’m tired of trying this. Tons of past failures. All sorts of emptiness.
Khan is pulling me off that mindset. That’s why I felt grief yesterday morning. Maybe Khan is rebuilding me.
I’m tired of pretending. I felt abandoned over 40 years back, I never resolved it, was offered no assistance at all, so everyone, and noone, became my “saviors”. People still want to help me. I’ve sat with many people wringing their hands, knowing I had to let them in, but I haven’t.
I’m not sure how to do this. I’m just ready to stop this painful game I do to myself. Wanting love, then punishing myself.
Life’s gotta change.
It’s gotta. I know what I know. It’s not working. Every part of me is hanging on to old structures in my mind.
God, help me.
Thought of an old lesson.
A man was on his roof amidst a flood, believing God was going to save him. 3 different times people came to save him. Each time he refused, saying God was going to save him.
He drowned.
Up in heaven, he questioned God.
“Why didn’t you save me?”
His response was “Son, I sent 3 different teams to rescue you.”
Hmm.
Day 4
Khan loop tonight
I was just reading the AOH salespage, because I did a 3 minute loop yesterday morning. My first loop.
I had some good memories, which were just natural. I went into work feeling like I had a little more control over the tension from Khan, so I laughed easier and without normal inhibitions.
The first confirmation it was working came from my supervisor. He’s usually grumpy in the mornings, having taken on a lot of needed work for the position and doing long hours daily.
He said I was happy. I’d also got him a coffee when I got myself one. I just felt uninhibited to move forward without fear, so I did.
I got on my route like normal. I noticed something different. I always notice other professional drivers in the areas I’m in…and I easily accommodated them when sharing lanes. I slid into a role I’ve shared before, that of an accommodating younger brother. I didn’t feel tense or scared there either. I enjoyed fulfilling that role.
Pride, or fear of being hurt again, has kept me from enjoying this. I just wasn’t afraid. I’m still enjoying the memories. This is huge.
I then went into an upscale area, enjoying myself with one couple who were observing me. The woman said she remembered me from another location they’d lived in, and I confirmed it. It was truly pleasant catchup with them.
I had one more customer. I need to make a new post for this.
The last customer was a woman in the development waving me down as I was leaving. This happens daily, so I pulled over.
Now, I’m noticing tension in my throat as I’m writing, so something’s bothering me. That’s why I made a separate post.
We talked for about 10 minutes while I worked. (I noticed near the end I was forcing smiles).
I’m in that spot of feeling something but always denying it. Something was touched.
BOOM
I wanted to assert myself. I wanted to be dominant.
Yet…my training was “Mom’s in control. If you don’t allow her to lead, you’ll never receive love from her”.
It kills trust in myself and deflates ambition, like immediately. Normally (truthfully) I’d want to hide. I never felt that yesterday. I didn’t, and don’t, feel OK in my gut.
It felt more like unrealized ambition. Unfulfillment listening to fear. That fear has been my boundary my entire life. This is where I’ve been stuck.
This is what Khan is working on!
Did my loop 10 minutes ago
I’ve got the Khan sales page open and I got down to the bottom. Advertising Primal Nights and Diamond. I’ve never used either…
but Khan must be activating sexual desires, as I just settled in some memories of WB. I used it only a couple of weeks, but I did have one clear moment when a woman was giving me signals she wanted me.
I remember that, and it’s actually painful because internally, I was still stuck in old thinking. I wouldn’t pursue it. Old beliefs still held me back. What I wondered was…if Khan is working on my active blocks still, what will the future look like?
I see AOH working here: Saint said AOH would help you identify your issues while in recon, and my last post was proof of that. I realized (I feel) some roadblock still sitting on my chest, like a “you can’t!” or something else telling me “NO!”
This excites me. It’s working right now as I write. So much that I’ve changed directions while writing 3 times in the last 20 minutes.
Day 5
3 minutes of EOG this morning, around 4AM
I tried EOG St.1 this morning, having great desire to free myself from fears, but 6 hours later, I’m going with the conclusion that now’s not the time.
I do think financial fears and stresses are real. I actually think most are largely fed by social comparisons and media’s constant deceptive ploys that “MORE is better!”. But my decision isn’t based on that.
Having just slight tinges of recon an hour ago, I knew that the Khan focus is much more desired than–here’s my perception–following another distraction from my goals.
I felt that inner insecurity this morning, the same I’m using Khan to eliminate, and I felt disappointment. EOG, at this time, is a distraction for everything I’ve been greatly desiring, literally all of my life. What are my desires?
To feel secure in the world as a man
That lone statement is all I’ve ever wanted. All the little extra desires connect with that focus and aim. Khan is the kitchen sink sub I’ve greatly desired. Going through Total Breakdown (St.1) allowed me to see that. I was constantly putting blinders on to avoid that truth.
I want to feel like I’ve got what it takes to handle life. Khan it is.
P.S. I’ll keep stacking AOH with it. From what I’ve read and experienced myself, it’s almost like an outgrowth of Ascension Chamber. A powerful results enhancer.
Khan seems to be kicking in, and it’s unexpected. Very unexpected.
That statement comes from a mentality that has rigidly pushed away feeling good, feeling successful…feeling ok with things going right.
Maybe it’s AOH allowing me to say “Yes!” to good things. All I know is I’m enjoying it. I’m not used to it, shown by feeling some habitual anxiety over someone I need to possibly face in minutes. Because normally, I look for things to go wrong. I’ve helped it happen many a times.
I’m liking this. I’ll keep AOH with Khan. It allows me to say yes to success, confidence, even…who knows…love?
I’ll take that. I’ve pushed that away too for … well, as long as I’ve been pushing success and happiness away. I don’t feel desperate. I just feel open…willing…allowing long held desires to bloom.
Thanks for writing AOH @SaintSovereign and @Fire
Day 6
Khan loop 10 minutes ago
I wrote in the EOG thread wondering if AOH or EOG was blooming heavily on me. I thought it was AOH.
But the more I wrote, the easier it was to see EOG. @Parsifal confirmed it, and I shared the very thoughts and doubts my mind was trying:
“Really? Like really?”
It really does dig deeper than any money sub I’ve ever used. But…
I’ve never had any sub ever do what EOG is doing. Compared to any sub I’ve ever used, I sense and feel it working. No tension. No constant fears of unknowns. I sense that it’s giving my mind a full-time overhaul.
It’s a completely different experience compared to other subs. I’m going to do another loop of EOG tomorrow morning.
Correction: I’m not comfortable detracting from my goals with wealth subs currently.
EOG is a fantastic sub. No doubt. But I’m not on Khan looking for an out. Not right now. I’m going to run AOH tomorrow morning.
I’d gone out getting stuff for the work week. I felt that dominant, no bullshit, goal-oriented mentality coming on. And I checked myself. I cringed, thinking I was coming here to “ask permission”, a childhood act I was turning to.
No. Not right now. Being sure of myself and WHY I go where I want does NOT need permission from others. That St.2 programming is what I want right now. I’m going to keep that focus.
I’m only running stages for a month. Diluting the most important stage makes no sense. No permission sought or needed.
Day 7
AOH this morning. Haven’t done it yet
I woke up earlier this morning. Thinking on what’s important to me.
I’m pulled towards the anti-scarcity train. And that’s way more than finances. It goes deeper.
Half an hour ago I realized something clearly. ALL of my fear stems from thinking I won’t have enough. That I’m not enough.
Love from others.
Love from within.
I’ve believed that others held the acceptance I needed. I’ve retreated from life since I didn’t think much of myself and discounted my worth. I feared failure at being accepted at every corner. I got tired of fearing what appeared inevitable, so retreating seemed to be the best solution in the long term.
I’m listening. I feel like I’m being given life tools. One of those is a belief that I’m good enough whether I succeed or fail. My old standard was the death of my soul.
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I watched a movie last night. It’s still resonating. Unexpected. It’s prompting this mindset. It’s on Amazon, and it’s called Knight of Cups.
Set up like it was a theatrical documentary. 3 to 5 second shots in 95% of the movie, like the main actor was watching his life in a dream state. He’s a Hollywood writer, caught up in the escapist lifestyle, burnt out from the meaningless of it all. He lost his identity.
His only light was a spiritual calling, heard from the beginning of the movie and peppered throughout. His dad talking. Flashes of hope. It made me think.
Because I’ve been stuck somewhere. For a long time. By my own choice. The meaninglessness of it. Constantly failing, sometimes willingly, all the time habitually. This identity has been me.
That identity is failing me.
Edit: I did AOH 10 minutes ago. I’m seeing value in my experiences, all the failing. Made me cry while writing this. AOH is a gift.
Sorry if I’m repeating myself, but that’s what I felt for years as well. Like I don’t deserve more, I’m not worthy to have a meaning in my life, I’m not worthy to have abundance im every aspect of my life. And I feel EoG1s Worthiness Recalibration working on this. Changing my perception of my deserveness little by little.
But perhaps AoH can do similar thing for you with a different approach. Or the base for this “module” was established and tested in AoH as well in another form.
Yeah. I’ve had those doubts about bypassing EOG since it kicks ass quickly.
I just wanted to not bail on myself in regards to Khan.
That’s why I started Khan. There’s more to life than “only failing”.
And no, you repeating yourself doesn’t bother me. I’m finding it takes time and effort to change our ways. You’re good.
Day 8
Loop tonight
Change. Beautiful.
During my single loop of EOG last weekend, I had a phenomenal shift happen. Everything that said “No!” to change and personal choice seemed to evaporate. I easily saw that I was in my own way, preventing it at all costs.
Last night I sensed some of that happening upstairs. I woke up this morning knowing AOH is unpainfully tearing down my limitations and resistance to things that make me happy.
This is happening right now. I’m getting out of the way