Day 9
I purposely skipped AOH this morning. I haven’t felt that Khan drive yet on St.2, so I’m experimenting today.
I began writing here, then my old trader emailed me, so I came off here and shared with him how I’m doing on Khan, today specifically.
I said Khan was changing me.
He replied "what are you changing to?
I replied in a single word: “Batman”.
Below is what I sent after that.
Beginning of email
just joking.
I wrote that since I’ve been on St.2, starting my 2nd week Monday.
But, I changed something starting St.2, adding Art of Happiness. AOH really grabbed onto my thinking, so I barely felt Khan.
I decided to skip AOH this morning and journaled it. I knew Khan wasn’t activating like it had while doing St.1 (I only started AOH on St.2)
What I’m experiencing now FEELS like Khan. Tough. Serious. Focused. Determined. Unneedy.
I actually came home and (hoped to) forget this constant pressure to grow into a man.
However–seeing my thought process…
I’m wishing to ride this out…facing what I’m afraid of…
It’s digging in. I’ve gotten little flashes of “I CAN DO THIS!” St.2 is all about programming your mind to be the man you are, without all (my) copouts, weaseling outs, stuff like that.
I’ll be very specific what I’m feeling now. Before and after.
Before: constantly craving juvenile thinking and choices. Hiding, in varying ways, multiple times a day. Hoping noone saw it. I felt like shit, beating myself up constantly.
Today: Damn. I normally SEEK hideouts. I can’t fucking hide. Facing my shit, facing fear of rejection.
Not avoiding challenges I normally would. Facing myself by facing things–I face myself while facing fears.
And the most contradictory thing I’ll share now: Going through this shit, this growth…is making my life much, much easier.
It takes a lot of internal work to fuck things up regularly. Daily self-sabotage makes life hard.
And that’s why I’m doing Khan.
End of email
1 Like
Beautifullu written. I want that as well.
I’m on day two of Khan2 today.
So excited for the coming weeks.
1 Like
Day 10
I’m closer to breaking. A little backstory is necessary.
Back in 2016 I began using subliminals from a well-known vendor. I never used his main alpha program, but I read the guy’s journals.
I remember reading this one guy’s breaking period. He was busy all the time and doing what he’d been taught, hiding behind his “I’m ok” shield.
But the alpha program was challenging this norm. His weakness was hiding his emotions and truth from himself.
He was consistently challenged internally.
One day he found himself sitting on a park bench, seeking some solitude and peace, wishing to turn off the perpetual noise inside.
A lone bird fluttered near him. He watched it. It approached him slowly, like he thought he’d be given food. The guy kept watching. They kept an unusual eye contact.
Something gave in the guy. He thought the bird was ‘reading’ him. Like he could see his soul. He began crying, feeling seen. For about 3 minutes he just cried. And the bird stayed, watching him. No words were ever spoken. But he felt visible. He also felt what he’d been hiding from himself. It was a life-changing experience for him.
That story connects with me. Today I seemed to be bouncing off that internal wall which I’ve repeatedly and consistently raged at. The wall of facts and feelings which…are really me. Good and bad. All of me.
I just keep doing what I saw growing up–ignoring it. Khan’s not letting me ignore it. I’m getting ready to break
1 Like
Day 11
St.2 loop last night
I’ve been finding myself reluctant to break through something. I was messaging someone here 10 minutes ago, and I identified it.
I’ve been afraid of making people unhappy with me. Khan is hitting this because yesterday I found my brain in a low-key panic trying to make everyone happy with me.
It felt like life or death. Like focused and determined, but completely led by a young boy. This was me.
I’m feeling that now, about to head into work.
Thinking about my last post. Foreseeing a future breakdown. Admitting to myself that I can’t do it. People’s unhappiness is their choice. Gotta mind my own business. My own.
1 Like
I’m remembering trying to make my Mom happy. It was life or death in my mind. And I was not acknowledged. I felt like a failure. I’ve carried that belief about myself with me every day of my life.
I’m still carrying it. Khan is a beautiful tool since it’s working on stuff which matters to me.
Day 12
Extra rest day
St.2 Loop tomorrow night
I am, and have been fearful of letting go.
I’m full of emotion. I’m hanging on to it, so I feel pointless admitting it.
What brings this to my attention is me trying to find an escape route–and feeling that uncomfortable dissonance.
This is happening regularly, multiple times a day. I’m making (and WANTING to make) more positive choices.
One big thing I’m noticing is an increase in my sense of security. The description for St.2 says you’ll be very aware of both your good and bad sides. What it DOESN’T say is it takes courage and acceptance to see and face this internally; I believe Khan instills those things in a man so I see them, feel them, and want to keep going. Being productive is a major emphasis in St.2.
If I was to abbreviate what Khan is doing…
It’s plowing through old comfort zones with truth constantly. Parts of days I’ll feel really uncomfortable, but (BIG for me) normal tendencies to pout or wallow in self-pity AREN’T working. Like previously mentioned, I sense the urge to keep busy, so wallowing is quickly forgotten.
Wallowing is a premeditated way to avoid the battle. It’s stalling and nothing more. I’m rejecting these patterns. They don’t build me up.
Those victories keep me going.
Day 13
Loop tonight
Khan is a full time thought checker, slightly similar to DR’s scripting. I remember DR guiding me in daily choices, consistently trying to remold me.
Khan does that too, but its voice encourages independence. This feels new since it’s having me repeatedly face what’s not working in my life.
I watched a movie last night, and the message that stuck with me is ‘there are consequences for your actions. Consider them’.
–major truth in this life I’ve lived
I’ve often been guided by guilt to make decisions. I was always trying to be good enough to other people. In other words, my focus has always been outside of myself. Others were my uncomfortable motivators. I was in the victim triangle over and over again.
So many emotions processing that one. That’s run me a long, long time. And writing that reminded me of the chains I lived in. My throat began clinching.
This morning, I felt freer. Unsure why. But I felt strong enough to look at my life and how it’s turning out.
I’m slowly feeling like I can actually direct my own life. That probably sounds so dumb or shameful here amongst guys. But that’s exactly how I’ve NOT been living. For all these years, I’ve felt like and believed like I was a small boy living in an adult suit. I have always looked for some rescue. It’s kept me there. Familiar stuff.
I just realized I was rehashing my past. Stopping.
The future is unknown. But I’m being led into new ways. A new life. New choices. Uncertain stuff.
I’m game.
3 Likes
No it’s not. Tbh, I believe many masculine guys I know would love feel that way authentically.
And this feeling actually made it in quite a few memes about becoming an adult/mature but still feeling like a child.
1 Like
I was reading @Viktor’s journal. It got to me since I’m rejecting myself constantly
I’m going to do my loop of Khan tonight. I’m wondering about tomorrow’s loop.
In short, here’s what’s bothering me.
I am afraid I’ll be unlovable. I’ve been insecure about this on any sub I’ve ever used, and those are old childhood messages that remain.
Why would I hesitate to use a good, healing subliminal? The answer is I doubt my worthiness.
I’ve hid behind beliefs that “it can’t change me”. Viktor’s experience… hits me.
Something’s changing in me. I cried twice today, and I wasn’t pursuing this. Tears fell naturally.
I’m on Khan. I’m trying to… just realized… I’m trying to bury this. Because women draw closer when I’m loving myself.
I’ll admit this. My self-hate is trying to protect its dominion.
- Self-hate calls the shots when I feel shaky emotionally
And that’s what’s steering me. It’s kept me inside all day when I’ve had need to get outside.
I’m gonna get up and get outside. Out.
Edit. I’m considering LBFH
1 Like
LBFH unlocked a depth of love that I didn’t even know existed, both inwards & outwards.
It’s a really good sub to use for what you described.
2 Likes
I know this feeling. What can I tell you…
It’s not impossible to be loved while you can’t love yourself. But it makes things much harder.
To trust the honesty of the shown love while feeling unlovable is hard. Very hard.
That’s why you have Worthiness Recalibration in EoG1
I’d recommend to go for Love Bombs instead.
LBfH is great if you want to spread love. But for healing selflove LB is much better because you keep the love inside. You cultivate pure selflove for it’s own sake.
It might be hard at the start. Looking at your post. But trust yourself. You are worthy to love yourself.
2 Likes
Thanks @Viktor.
I’m sure I’ll use it tomorrow. Just opening myself up for that last writing has me both teary and resistant to it.
And I’m gonna go out in town now after a shower. I’ve been here before. I feel open to almost any act of kindness or request.
The last 2 or 3 times I saw women asking for donations for charities at the grocery store, I was like Jello. I’ve begun admitting it up-front.
1 Like
I agree with this.
LBFH did help me a lot, but my biggest problem wasn’t self love, it was about spreading it.
The sub taught me about the value of sharing the love to others, healthy attachment, etc.
That was why I stayed with LBFH. If my problem was more about self love, i’d have switched to LB.
I’d say, if you’re someone who tends to keep to yourself, try LBFH. You may find great values from it.
But if you’re not, go straight to LB.
Meditation also helped me with my journey towards better self acceptance.
You might want to consider adding it too if you haven’t. The ROI is too much not to do.
1 Like
I can say, without a doubt, that that is why I’m not in a relationship presently. A woman will draw closer, revealing her intentions, and mistrust flickers ever so quietly in myself, and I shut down. Walls up. Done.
I’ve had that kind of experience since high school. Every time, I did the same. I’ve learned to pull away sooner in recent years.
Which is also why I don’t see how people can attract a loving partner so easily.
@Viktor, this may sound like BS, but it’s genuine: I’m up for the challenge. LBFH was an easy sub when I ran it short-term. Your experience came from extended use. That sounds wonderful!
And @Parsifal, I’m going to go with LBFH instead of LB. I doubted self-love was possible since it seemed everyone else was the recipient.
But… the sales page says (before the new LB came out) it was the sub with the most self-love scripting. I’m going to trust this.
Oh yeah, btw … the social aspect is what I seek as well, and I had very memorable experiences with others while using LBFH. A longer run of it may definitely show me something.
Out.
1 Like
Hell yeah, you can do it!
It took me 4 cycles until a wall broke down inside of me.
So you can consider using it for at least 4-6 cycles straight too.
Definitely use LBFH for this. The most memorable memories I had with others for the past 2 years I’ve been using SC happened when I was using LBFH.
1 Like
Day 14 (1 more week left of St.2!)
LBFH this morning. 3 minutes
Khan last night. 3 minutes
I’m still getting little emotional “bumps” coming up. LBFH made me so aware of stuff today, and it still is.
- How not forgiving others has kept love out of my life. This was big. I saw this easily while looking through memories.
- A few times today I grabbed onto some old memory where I felt loved and safe. I actually thought of the Catholic Church I was raised in. It symbolized I was cared for.
- This one popped out at me. I was driving home, and Khan started activating. I also felt LBFH churning up. I saw this woman driving by, and I imagined this very cool outcome. The 2 subs gave me strong confidence to approach her and actually not hide out when with her. It was all imagined, but no complaints here.
Those were key memories. 2 times today I felt sad/scared since I was heading into something brand new and unknown. It’s still happening this evening.
This is day 1 of LBFH. I’ll keep using it. I’m wondering how it would manifest if I played it right after Khan. It digs deeper during sleep. I may do this tomorrow night.
1 Like
I’m writing this because, you know, I’ll conveniently forget it. I’m also wanting to churn the subs up by writing.
I was continuously active today. One task. I chose it. And I moved steadily for about 9 hours. And…LBFH showed me this.
I’ve worked alongside this non-English speaking coworker, an immigrant, for 5 years. I’ve used sporadic and unpredictable anger at times to “control” his behavior. …Well, because he’s stubborn and independent like me at work.
I realized I repeatedly kept looking for some fault of his–to justify and enable my anger. I kept looking for HIM to be my reason I was angry. I never said anything to him, we were maybe 10-20 feet apart…and my reasons…were weakening.
I’ve been doing this, with him and ANYONE CLOSE to me…all my adult life. This feels like Khan working…maybe LBFH too…
It pointed me to me and my brother, the one I loved. The one who left home overnight. The one I’ve held this grudge at. I never forgave him. That’s what I was made aware of. I imagine, right now, all the guys through the years I’ve wanted to be friends with…but.
But I’m hanging on to some old, rotten belief. Revenge. It’s ugly. Noone’s happy.
@Viktor, thank you for sharing your experiences and hope regarding LBFH. I’ve been lost a long time. I’m looking forward to multiple breakthroughs. I’ve just wanted to be free…from this hatred. Thank you for the encouragement.
2 Likes
Day 15
Khan tonight
I am avoiding myself.
I started writing a half hour ago, but stopped. Read some. I don’t know how to do this.
No, not true. I’m feeling my own pain, and I run. I’ve lived life like this ever since I began opening that door.
I’ve scratched what I wrote a few times. Khan and LBFH working together.
It’s love, pain, and feeling vulnerable in it, like I lived in my early teens.
My masculine image was stuck at that age. Wanting to be tough and unfeeling, but I was a softie. No confidence, so I avoided attention.
I desired being close to others. But none of my relational needs were being met. I felt I had nothing to give. That was life for me.
I’ve still lived like that. Me closing doors and believing all doors are, or eventually will be, closed.
And I stayed there since I knew what to expect. I knew how to avoid more pain. And the more pain I felt, the “busier” I became. Like now. Like yesterday. It’s why I found distractions before I wrote.
I don’t want to remain in this “stuck” place. LBFH is blooming today. Praying, sparsely. Taking action. One second at a time.
1 Like
Have you ever read about attachment styles?
1 Like