Not in years. Why?
I’m home from work, and while driving home, I had–and am still having–feelings like Genesis is activating. I’ve not touched Genesis in months. It was early 2024 when I began running it, and wow, life seemed much more inviting to go out and experience.
Does Khan have risk taking scripting? Anyone else ever have this? It’s like I’m in a totally separate reality than where I’ve been, because life feels gooood.
I’ve done 2 loops of LBFH so far, stacking it with St.2.
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I read people’s post and wonder. They post about their mood, nervousness, moodiness, fears, etc. I sometimes wonder if it is about mood, or if it’s about their attachment style, and how they might benefit if they switched from focusing on improving their mood, or reducing their nervousness, to rather focusing on changing their attachment style.
What do you think?
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I have a response RV. I’ll respond tonight when I have time. Heading out an hour earlier for work at a different site today.
You made me think.
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Day 16
Khan and LBFH last night, back to back
3 minute loops
I request to share honestly with you. It’s a bit expressive, and I’ve never aired this like I am now. This definitely isn’t 100 words. But it’s me. I’m growing. I’m changing.
I was immediately triggered by your question last night, and there’s a reason.
It wasn’t you. I had an emotional flashback. I felt oppositional immediately since 30+ years ago when I first began “recovery” work, I did what hurt me more than what helped me. It was what I knew. I hid in other’s lives and stories, treated the inner me very distantly and coldly, and I even felt like I journaled as an observer of myself. I still have some journals (and after reading any of them, I’m like “who the hell is that?”)
Your question reminded me of how I …haven’t face myself, back then or in recent years. I handled myself with emotionally sterile gloves. I did my actual recovery like it was me, but I didn’t like “me”. I treated myself absolutely horribly.
Which is very much why I don’t read recovery or psychology books any more. I tried to live in the reality of cold facts and theories (actually got my BA in Psychology…hmmm), but it never worked. And good people wouldn’t lie to me. I (persisted and persisted), but I can’t lie to myself and be in peace. I used such discoveries to make a safe bubble. But DAMN… it’s the coldest, loneliest place anyone could ever live.
But…I hung on to that world for one reason. I’d read in books, and in this forum, to connect with some part of myself that I’d been afraid of.
I didn’t like me.
I didn’t care for me.
I was afraid of me.
I didn’t trust me.
I was in a full self-abandonment mode, dusk to dawn. But…
I got tired of treating myself like an “it”. Little by little, growth has been happening. Yeah, subtle mental and emotional shifts have happened. Months on Emperor grew me. DR did, and I haven’t even finished it yet.
I’ve done 3 loops of LBFH along with Khan this week, and today, like prior days, it’s showing me the weak spots in my emotional armor.
Where I can grow.
Where I want to grow.
Where I’ve abandoned myself. (Had a short but very deep cry today)
It’s felt closer to DR healing this week than any other subliminal I’ve used at SC. DR allowed me to love myself. 2 minutes here. 5 minutes there.
And LBFH is opening this up for me again.
What I’m thinking…is that love is doing some whoop-ass on my self-hurting habits. And that…is definitely worth holding on to.
Your attachment theories are actually valid. But I’ve never found true hope or healing in theories.
I apologize if I’ve offended you. …Loving me is very new 
I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m just finally seeing how I’ve hurt myself…and letting it go.
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I want to write.
I want to keep it in.
Back and forth. Yes, no, yes, no.
Facing that a lot this morning.
And when I look at what I’m afraid of, it’s facing myself.
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I’m not hurt at all. I appreciate you took the time to think about it.
What questions might help you if you asked them that perhaps you have avoided asking yourself?
BTW, you don’t have to write about that here, as it might be very personal. But perhaps give that some thought.
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I’ve been considering new ideas lately and new approaches to “how I’ve always done things”.
It’s for no other reason than knowing that what I’ve been doing is not working. It’s freeing to actually make positive changes.
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Day 18
An update. I need to acknowledge this.
Yesterday Khan was kicking in. I’m at another site with a guy I’ve known a few years, and his repeated “funny” put downs began pissing me off.
Seriously, other guys don’t like him, and I’ve always seen him as a bit immature. But he’s harmless.
His digs were getting to me. For like the first time in my life, I wondered how other guys would handle this. I knew some would cut him off flat.
I never had to correct him. He must have picked up my anger, as his digs ceased. I was quiet a lot yesterday. I allowed it.
This quietness was different because I normally will start yapping, seeking someone else’s approval. I didn’t need that. I felt in control of myself.
–then, when out of work and gassing up my car, this quick talking guy sold me some CDs, raising money for homeless vets. WTF?
I boomeranged back to yes man. He was quick and smooth… I just felt suddenly gullible. He had answers before I had questions.
I told him he was a good salesman. He was.
I didn’t feel in control though. That bothered me.
Strange that both happened the same day.
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It showed you your growth as well as how much you still have to grow.
Congrats 
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Good point 
Here’s something I’ve done:
Occasionally I donate to the foodbank around here. That way, I’ve “done my good deed”, and therefore I’m less likely to be “manipulated” by someone who might be playing on my sympathy.
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Day 19
Last loops Thursday night
Off days today and tomorrow
I’ve been quiet since LBFH has been working on me. I’ll get clarity and a hint of loving myself…followed by seeing myself fighting this love push.
I’m beginning to see why and how I’ve lived like this for so long. I saw it yesterday, quite clearly. I felt this childish insistence that I wasn’t allowed love. Like it’d understood and made life rules for me. A wall was up, unimpenetrable by myself.
Last night LBFH was activating, and I felt drawn to make small decisions that were infinitely more important than ways I’d normally be unloving towards myself.
–I’m trying to clarify here, for myself. I felt like I had no rights to love. Like there was a loud “STOP!” message internally. There’s also a sense that trauma of some sort made that decision, and it’s been in stone for a long while.
Some have subtle manifestations on subs. That’s not me. It never really has been subtle for me.
But my heart wants what LBFH is pushing. I do. I wish it was easy. But great change never came too easy.
As far as Khan, I’m looking forward to Stage 3. I never did the “exploration” stage of DR Stage 3, so I’m open now. Lots of growth is yet to occur still.
I feel more like a child than an adult in this growth. Strangely, even positively, I desire this growth. I’ve been pushing away love too long. Way too long.
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Loving boundaries. Wow–for me.
I just fired my forex trader. He didn’t lose my money, but I terminated our relationship since … again and again… I’ll request something. He’ll agree. Nothing changes. I remind him, and his replies (repeatedly) are wondering what I’m referring to.
I don’t have time for such head games. With him or myself. It’s like any relationship, really. If someone doesn’t listen to you, why would anyone go back for more? That’s unhealthy as f***.
I requested my funds back. I asked his fee. He told me. He told me he needed me to pay first. I told him I didn’t have that amount available, and could he deduct it from my balance. He agreed.
30 minutes later, I asked when I’d be receiving my funds. He said when I paid the fee.
I told him this is why I’m terminating the relationship. I won’t associate with a person who doesn’t hear me.
Edit: I realized the root. Asking the same things over and over again is, to me…like me expecting love and attention from an active alcoholic. I expected my mom to be available. She was drunk every day though. I just learned to cope. To avoid my emotions. And to expect disappointment.
I’m tired of living there. Which is why I embrace the suck of healing titles. I don’t feel as guarded as I was even a year ago, so that’s good. Khan has done a bit of work on me.
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Day 20
Last loops of this cycle tonight
I love the little changes and awarenesses. I’m thinking this was from LBFH.
I went shopping for weekly supplies, and I was driving to a store. I caught myself looking for a problem, something to feel attached to. Literally, right now I am having flashbacks of being maybe 8 years old, living a town over. Mom was unemployed, and me and my brothers were given the job of (my perception) making her happy. We took laundry to the laundromat, looked for bottles to trade in for money, and similar more adult responsibilities.
What I felt while driving today was “something needs to go bad”. Like a scared kid looking for a “norm”, even if that norm is creating chaos. That cage of fear I’m speaking of was a backdrop in my life. Mom constantly worried and made me worry. Like she’d make her imagined problems a reality (to give her some control???)
Today, while driving, I realized I didn’t have to follow that thinking. I could detach from it, and I did. I had hope. It was freeing knowing I had done this, and realize…maybe this is me loving myself. Being a parent to myself. Mom was not a great parent, but I didn’t think like that when younger. ----because she was the only parent I had. I’m unsure of my feelings (beliefs, actually) about her now because–wow–I’ve not ruminated on those old feelings in months, literally.
That is saying a LOT. An awful lot.
Since starting LBFH, I’ve ruminated a lot on DR days since DR had me living in old perceptions and feelings. LBFH is a healer of a different kind, but it allows me to follow my feelings. I am not shocked or truly uncomfortable remembering this. I’m just excitedly curious as to what LBFH is doing.
On a Khan note, I hadn’t made a connection. Yet.
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I’m wanting to share this, to introspect on experiences I’m having now vs. years back.
I haven’t thought of my Mom in many months now. I used to live there. My first thought: Emperor did this. However, like in years past, I just viewed Emperor like a tool to “cover over” my feelings. My thinking was that any sub that wasn’t all feeling-based was something…that would take away “me”, the one who was running me.
But something came to my awareness. Emperor didn’t cover over my feelings. What it did was totally different. It enabled my growth. A backstory first.
I grew up with a mom who felt very powerless. It was terrible, looking back now. My main judgements pop up when I saw her using that to…ugghh…manipulate others to help her. It was for financial reasons mostly. That was her main tool when I was young to receive financial assistance.
And how this affected me is that I simply believed what she believed…unhappily. Playing helpless as an adult was humiliating. And I admit here: my biggest motivation was for people’s attention. It worked. But it always made me feel less valuable or desired around people. I didn’t desire myself, to be honest, but I couldn’t admit that to anyone, myself included.
–I was able to ignore those emotional dangers and warnings since I lived in a very immature mindset. It shielded me from …ahem…reality. I lived in a bubble.
Having been here at SC so long (2018), I felt shame since I’ve faced people’s encouragement to grow, and I. Didn’t. Know. If. I. Could.
I felt, and knew, that I was stuck. I knew that growing up, and I’ve lived like that for decades. But something has been growing in me, and I listened. I believe it was the resilience in many subs here. Which is why I stayed on Emperor so long (I’m guessing 3-4 months).
How has Emperor grown me?
- It helped me live completely different than how I grew up.
- When problems arose, I didn’t feel handcuffed to my past beliefs. I could act.
- I wasn’t helpless. It empowered me.
- It actually forced me to grow up–vs. hiding out from everyday problems. THAT grew me.
Emperor is no Super Hero title, but damn, it made me feel so secure in my identity. And that is why I’ve not ruminated on my growing up years, in months. Emperor did that.
Emperor doesn’t cover over old experiences. It helps you see IF you can change anything today. Even those old experiences. Most can’t be changed. But it helps you reframe them, and that is something which energizes me. I can change the only thing I can, which is my perception of it. And that makes life so much easier.
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Washout Day 1
I had a good day, with some memorable experiences.
The main one: I felt emotionally rich today. I knew I had enough “love” to handle life. That’s something I would go back again and again for. This is from LBFH (maybe Khan as well, looking at St.2’s description). A beautiful experience.
Regarding Khan, a slow movement in me. I’m beginning to see myself more as a pursuer of women now–and that’s never been something that’s REMAINED in my mindset.
I saw some young women outside a residence while riding around for work today. And it’s weird, but I’ll admit it: I turned away from looks, like I didn’t rely on them. I didn’t need them. I felt odd for a moment, as usually, I’ll force myself to put my face out there.
I just didn’t want to RELY upon them for…ok, I’ll say it…validation. That’s seemed to be why I’ve sought women’s attention–I’d say 100% of the time.
Just thinking here: me turning away was me remaining in control, saying no to what I didn’t want. It was almost automatic, me turning my head. I felt a strength rising in me.
Powerful new experiences.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt I had enough–and didn’t immediately need someone else’s validation to feel complete. Very new experiences. It feels awesome!!
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Good morning. Writing quickly to get out the door for work.
I realized why I wrote that line about me being a pursuer. I’m in a before and after mindset, and it’s choking me up.
Yesterday, looking at those women, I felt viable, desirable, capable…and wanted. This morning, I realized…tearing up now…I’ve been the “unwanted boy” my entire life. It started with Mom, and that’s who I thought I am.
A beautiful woman eyes me.
Me: I’m not wanted.
A woman will give inviting eyes.
Me: Not me. She’s seeing something I’m not.
I’ve not dated more than a handful of women my whole life. Now I really know why. Beliefs like this are why I’ve been drawn to healing titles. So I’d actually feel lovable. And it’s always been…someday.
Will cry some today. Love’s hitting me.
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Washout day 3
I’m reluctant to write. I’ve just had a lot of fear hanging on me. Social stuff that I’m trying to live up to. “I SHOULD…!” Shoulding, coulding, woulding… I lose when trying to play nice and be “what will make them like me”.
You know what? I realized this while writing that.
I’ve played to please others…and I rarely am happy with myself. LBFH has dug in, and I can only imagine what it’d be like to LIKE AND LOVE MYSELF. That’s been difficult facing that since I don’t know what to do, what to seek…ummm…who to “be like”. I guess I’ve been uncomfortable since images of others are my main guides mostly for loving myself.
I haven’t dumped like this in a while.
I’ve been going back and questioning myself about my next move. Stage 1, or Stage 3?
I’m torn. Lots of old shit still hangs on, but damn, I’ve never been daring and pushed through to see things I’ve never seen or known. Yesterday, I thought Stage 3 would be good.
I’m torn. —kicking my own ass when considering “not being perfect” and breaking my own rules I’ve made. I’ve been trying to perfect in my own eyes–and I’m weary.
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Washout day 4
Now that I think about it, St.2’s description says you’ll know all your good and bad traits. I’m in normal territory.
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