One thing that has bothered me a bit is that there isn’t necessarily any idea of what to expect with Total Breakdown. How is a person possibly going to feel while running TB? I was always an anxious mess. Even with 30s loops. I started to feel like I was going to have to take more days off and gradually increase the exposure time which bothered me being a bit of an impatient person. That I would be running TB for a long time. If that’s the case which I’m hoping @SaintSovereign can enlighten me on because now I’m at the point that I’m not sure I care anymore about how long or whatever
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I realized something which I’ve known for a long time.
I’ve not pursued women, wealth, status, or anything like this…since I’ve known that if I did (in my current mindset), I’d only be covering over my core need. And that need is love.
I’ve wanted relationships.
I’ve also wanted wealth (for relationships)
I’ve wanted status (for relationships).
I’ve believed old putrid shit about myself. It’s led my life to become smaller and smaller…and smaller.
LBFH, LB (later), and Khan–to completely upset my upset life.
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I feel like I’ve hit a wall where I’m so fucking sick of dealing with fit throwing insecure man children and wanna be tough guys that I want to become the complete antithesis of any and all of that. This has my purpose in life
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James. What feelings are you afraid of? That’s a very personal question. So sit on it.
What are you afraid of facing? What scares the shit out of you the most?
Very personal questions. Don’t answer here. Breathe. And allow yourself to know.
I’ve been very terrified of my own feelings. My complete softness and gullibility. My (seemingly) scarring, violent rage. What I didn’t want to know myself. I’m slowly facing them. But I walked into this months back. No “waking up and seeing everything clearly” bullshit. It wasn’t hell either–and I expected it to be.
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I know it’s not exactly healthy but I crave hyper independence
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I think I get it. That’s how I’ve lived.
“You might hurt me.
I might show you something you’ll use against me.”
So, I distance myself. I don’t want to NEED others.
And…all those “leaders” online don’t NEED anyone. Maybe…I could be free like they are!
Yes. I’ve been there. My story started in my young teens, and maybe …3 people…in the last 40 years…have gotten inside my heart.
I’m sick and tired…of being sick and tired…of being sick and tired.
I DO need people. But I’m fucking AFRAID of being hurt. And that wall…takes ME down daily. Life gets small…less meaningful…less desirable…it’s only pain.
And I breath…ah.
I took off from SC for some months, making my own subliminals and using another producer’s. I found some relief. I also found my fear of discovering my truths. I went in circles for a while.
Then, upon remembering many positive experiences here at SC, I came back. I snuck in, not writing. All I knew was pasting my “face”. I was afraid to be me. Vulnerable me. Fucking pissed off me. Scared shitless me.
I was reading my Gmails, something I don’t do but every few days (too much spam). I found out that you, James, had begun Khan. I was like “Holy SHIT!”
“If he can do Khan, I can. If he has the guts to do it…than maybe I can. Because I KNOW Khan can, and will, disrupt my (uncomfortable) life”
I said “F*** it! I’m gonna do it”
And Khan STILL scares me. But…
But LBFH is doing a strange thing. A very strange thing. I’m loving me. For the newly reading, that’s a profound “HOLY SHIT!!” change in me. I’ve been without self-love for…too long.
Love still scares me. Which is the reason I’ve avoided relationships in every part of my life. Love cares. Love heals.
But I’ve had traumatic experiences with love. That’s why I’m on both Khan and LBFH. To break through. To admit defeat to concealing my truth.
This is total change…for me
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For me it’s about not wanting to ask for help or having to rely on anyone for anything. Everything is so transactional now. People don’t do things just because or because it’s the right thing to do. There’s always an expectation hanging there.
It’s fucking pathetic and weak.
The expectation that is. It’s overflowing with insecurity and neediness
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Transactional. It sucks. I’ve done it.
What do you imagine will happen in most situations?
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It depends on the situation. I would rather walk away. I refuse to be anyone’s slave
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I’m gonna think on that James. It’s making me consider my own ways.
But it’s close to 10, and I’m up at 4. I’ll be back tomorrow.
And thanks. It takes courage to admit this stuff, especially when we’ve felt trapped by it.
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Being an older guy at almost 57 I think once I begin Khan St 4 I’m going to stack it with Emperor Daddy. I’ve finally started to be able to accept my age and I want to take more advantage of my life experiences and see how I can mature emotionally and mentally. It’s so weird but sort of cool to look in the mirror every morning and see a grey beard
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Day 3
St.1 and LBFH tonight
3 minutes
Something is happening. I didn’t expect it.
I just replied to a text from my daughter. I just spit it out. I don’t have a good history doing this.
I raised my daughter mostly. I worked near her school in her younger years, so I spent a lot of time with her since I drove her to and from school.
But in those days, I was very reserved and controlling, all so you’d never see the real me.
And I walked into a conversation with her just months back, finding out she’s sold out to the liberal viewpoint. I’m much more common sense and conservative
I’ve been afraid I’d distance her instantly if I were honest. That cautiousness has held me for weeks.
I was just honest with her, and it came quickly. She asked how I was. I replied:
“Unsure how to talk to you. I’ve been afraid that a landmine might be stepped on constantly”
For me, this was weird. I’m so used to twisting words, trying NOT to say what’s really on my mind.
I read a conversation about Khan lately, guys saying it amped up their bluntness.
That it did.
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That’s as blunt as you can get. Frank yet tasteful & considerate.
Not just about your viewpoints, but also about your emotions & struggles to talk with her.
That’s a good start. 2 people don’t have to hold the same viewpoint to have a good relationship.
Khan & LBFH really did it. You did it.
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Made me cry since I have to let go of some very unrealistic and harmful expectations I put on her. Very selfish expectations.
These unspoken expectations have always been a power trip and hope I created. I did this. I am responsible for changing this.
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How is your Khan journey going? For me Stage 2 is much more emotional.
On stage 2, I’m facing much more brutal emotions than on stage 1. The last couple of days I felt everything from annoyance and rage to desperation. Often without cause.
So many emotions I never was able to feel, I denied myself to feel.
Khan is a a powertrip. I can feel it. But it’s an unpleasant one. But it has to be. Like sore muscles are necessary to become strong.
Also, I can’t motivate myself to get into most of my old copying mechanisms. Gaming? No. TV shows? No. Porn? No. Doom scrolling? No.
Reading your conversation and reflecting on m own journey helps. But not with copying but with processing.
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I can really relate. While on St.2, my normal hideouts became seen as pointless. Those are life changing moments.
I’d consider one, but be simultaneously filled with a sense of responsibility for myself.
Sometimes I gave in. Sometimes I didn’t
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Day 4
St.1 and LBFH last night
3 minute loops
TB is hitting something I’ve clung on to. I feel it almost every morning. I’m feeling it now.
It’s me pulling back from growing. I just remembered being in my 20’s and feeling the same “Hold on. Hold back. It’s safer if you stay home”. It goes back to a belief that I might not be hurt or rejected if I hide. Stay home. Be in my room.
I have a fear of digging into that more. But TB is working on it–because at the same time, a part of me is pushing to get out. Work doesn’t start until 630. But I set my alarm for 4. It’s not even 5 now. Got up, showered, got dressed, everything but my work boots—and that inner “Whoa!” hit me. I’m out the door once my shoes are on…or rather, nothing’s stopping me once I’m fully dressed.
And that point is hit again. Holding back (my known safety zone). I don’t have answers, but I’m going to do something I avoided last night (filling up some water jugs for work). I just need to step out. Kind of cool, the comparison 
I’m gonna let TB work on this holdup. It’s like a never resolved answer within myself.
I even fired up my laptop to write this. Typing on my phone takes a ton more concentration, finger typing. I sensed that part within me holding up there too. I’m out.
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TB is working on me.
I’m not able to work like normal since my mind is rejecting those normal hideouts, those things that keep me distant from others. This is my norm, and I keep changing directions while working since my mind is not content with the blissful ignorance I live with daily.
It’s unfamiliar. One step at a time.
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Day 5
Loops tonight
Facing something that I allowed. I’m hot about it.
I began trading forex with a new guy maybe 2 months back. I asked lots of questions beforehand.
Well, he’s a conman. I sent his requested fee last night. But he had made another trade this last week , making a profit. He didn’t send me the money. He’s requesting an additional fee.
Fuck no. Taking continuously and not keeping his word? Thief.
What I’m noticing is my reaction. This bothers me.
I got really livid last night. Healthy.
– I’m wanting him to be honest. I’m still hanging around, waiting on him to give.
This is exactly how I treat my brother, who’s local and who never changed himself.
I’m doing this same believing and desperate hoping with the trader. I put him in this saviour role, hoping he’d deliver for me. Why else would I continue this bantering with him?
None of this is healthy. I’m feeling locked in it. Fuck
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