Good point 
Here’s something I’ve done:
Occasionally I donate to the foodbank around here. That way, I’ve “done my good deed”, and therefore I’m less likely to be “manipulated” by someone who might be playing on my sympathy.
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Day 19
Last loops Thursday night
Off days today and tomorrow
I’ve been quiet since LBFH has been working on me. I’ll get clarity and a hint of loving myself…followed by seeing myself fighting this love push.
I’m beginning to see why and how I’ve lived like this for so long. I saw it yesterday, quite clearly. I felt this childish insistence that I wasn’t allowed love. Like it’d understood and made life rules for me. A wall was up, unimpenetrable by myself.
Last night LBFH was activating, and I felt drawn to make small decisions that were infinitely more important than ways I’d normally be unloving towards myself.
–I’m trying to clarify here, for myself. I felt like I had no rights to love. Like there was a loud “STOP!” message internally. There’s also a sense that trauma of some sort made that decision, and it’s been in stone for a long while.
Some have subtle manifestations on subs. That’s not me. It never really has been subtle for me.
But my heart wants what LBFH is pushing. I do. I wish it was easy. But great change never came too easy.
As far as Khan, I’m looking forward to Stage 3. I never did the “exploration” stage of DR Stage 3, so I’m open now. Lots of growth is yet to occur still.
I feel more like a child than an adult in this growth. Strangely, even positively, I desire this growth. I’ve been pushing away love too long. Way too long.
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Loving boundaries. Wow–for me.
I just fired my forex trader. He didn’t lose my money, but I terminated our relationship since … again and again… I’ll request something. He’ll agree. Nothing changes. I remind him, and his replies (repeatedly) are wondering what I’m referring to.
I don’t have time for such head games. With him or myself. It’s like any relationship, really. If someone doesn’t listen to you, why would anyone go back for more? That’s unhealthy as f***.
I requested my funds back. I asked his fee. He told me. He told me he needed me to pay first. I told him I didn’t have that amount available, and could he deduct it from my balance. He agreed.
30 minutes later, I asked when I’d be receiving my funds. He said when I paid the fee.
I told him this is why I’m terminating the relationship. I won’t associate with a person who doesn’t hear me.
Edit: I realized the root. Asking the same things over and over again is, to me…like me expecting love and attention from an active alcoholic. I expected my mom to be available. She was drunk every day though. I just learned to cope. To avoid my emotions. And to expect disappointment.
I’m tired of living there. Which is why I embrace the suck of healing titles. I don’t feel as guarded as I was even a year ago, so that’s good. Khan has done a bit of work on me.
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Day 20
Last loops of this cycle tonight
I love the little changes and awarenesses. I’m thinking this was from LBFH.
I went shopping for weekly supplies, and I was driving to a store. I caught myself looking for a problem, something to feel attached to. Literally, right now I am having flashbacks of being maybe 8 years old, living a town over. Mom was unemployed, and me and my brothers were given the job of (my perception) making her happy. We took laundry to the laundromat, looked for bottles to trade in for money, and similar more adult responsibilities.
What I felt while driving today was “something needs to go bad”. Like a scared kid looking for a “norm”, even if that norm is creating chaos. That cage of fear I’m speaking of was a backdrop in my life. Mom constantly worried and made me worry. Like she’d make her imagined problems a reality (to give her some control???)
Today, while driving, I realized I didn’t have to follow that thinking. I could detach from it, and I did. I had hope. It was freeing knowing I had done this, and realize…maybe this is me loving myself. Being a parent to myself. Mom was not a great parent, but I didn’t think like that when younger. ----because she was the only parent I had. I’m unsure of my feelings (beliefs, actually) about her now because–wow–I’ve not ruminated on those old feelings in months, literally.
That is saying a LOT. An awful lot.
Since starting LBFH, I’ve ruminated a lot on DR days since DR had me living in old perceptions and feelings. LBFH is a healer of a different kind, but it allows me to follow my feelings. I am not shocked or truly uncomfortable remembering this. I’m just excitedly curious as to what LBFH is doing.
On a Khan note, I hadn’t made a connection. Yet.
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I’m wanting to share this, to introspect on experiences I’m having now vs. years back.
I haven’t thought of my Mom in many months now. I used to live there. My first thought: Emperor did this. However, like in years past, I just viewed Emperor like a tool to “cover over” my feelings. My thinking was that any sub that wasn’t all feeling-based was something…that would take away “me”, the one who was running me.
But something came to my awareness. Emperor didn’t cover over my feelings. What it did was totally different. It enabled my growth. A backstory first.
I grew up with a mom who felt very powerless. It was terrible, looking back now. My main judgements pop up when I saw her using that to…ugghh…manipulate others to help her. It was for financial reasons mostly. That was her main tool when I was young to receive financial assistance.
And how this affected me is that I simply believed what she believed…unhappily. Playing helpless as an adult was humiliating. And I admit here: my biggest motivation was for people’s attention. It worked. But it always made me feel less valuable or desired around people. I didn’t desire myself, to be honest, but I couldn’t admit that to anyone, myself included.
–I was able to ignore those emotional dangers and warnings since I lived in a very immature mindset. It shielded me from …ahem…reality. I lived in a bubble.
Having been here at SC so long (2018), I felt shame since I’ve faced people’s encouragement to grow, and I. Didn’t. Know. If. I. Could.
I felt, and knew, that I was stuck. I knew that growing up, and I’ve lived like that for decades. But something has been growing in me, and I listened. I believe it was the resilience in many subs here. Which is why I stayed on Emperor so long (I’m guessing 3-4 months).
How has Emperor grown me?
- It helped me live completely different than how I grew up.
- When problems arose, I didn’t feel handcuffed to my past beliefs. I could act.
- I wasn’t helpless. It empowered me.
- It actually forced me to grow up–vs. hiding out from everyday problems. THAT grew me.
Emperor is no Super Hero title, but damn, it made me feel so secure in my identity. And that is why I’ve not ruminated on my growing up years, in months. Emperor did that.
Emperor doesn’t cover over old experiences. It helps you see IF you can change anything today. Even those old experiences. Most can’t be changed. But it helps you reframe them, and that is something which energizes me. I can change the only thing I can, which is my perception of it. And that makes life so much easier.
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Washout Day 1
I had a good day, with some memorable experiences.
The main one: I felt emotionally rich today. I knew I had enough “love” to handle life. That’s something I would go back again and again for. This is from LBFH (maybe Khan as well, looking at St.2’s description). A beautiful experience.
Regarding Khan, a slow movement in me. I’m beginning to see myself more as a pursuer of women now–and that’s never been something that’s REMAINED in my mindset.
I saw some young women outside a residence while riding around for work today. And it’s weird, but I’ll admit it: I turned away from looks, like I didn’t rely on them. I didn’t need them. I felt odd for a moment, as usually, I’ll force myself to put my face out there.
I just didn’t want to RELY upon them for…ok, I’ll say it…validation. That’s seemed to be why I’ve sought women’s attention–I’d say 100% of the time.
Just thinking here: me turning away was me remaining in control, saying no to what I didn’t want. It was almost automatic, me turning my head. I felt a strength rising in me.
Powerful new experiences.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt I had enough–and didn’t immediately need someone else’s validation to feel complete. Very new experiences. It feels awesome!!
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Good morning. Writing quickly to get out the door for work.
I realized why I wrote that line about me being a pursuer. I’m in a before and after mindset, and it’s choking me up.
Yesterday, looking at those women, I felt viable, desirable, capable…and wanted. This morning, I realized…tearing up now…I’ve been the “unwanted boy” my entire life. It started with Mom, and that’s who I thought I am.
A beautiful woman eyes me.
Me: I’m not wanted.
A woman will give inviting eyes.
Me: Not me. She’s seeing something I’m not.
I’ve not dated more than a handful of women my whole life. Now I really know why. Beliefs like this are why I’ve been drawn to healing titles. So I’d actually feel lovable. And it’s always been…someday.
Will cry some today. Love’s hitting me.
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Washout day 3
I’m reluctant to write. I’ve just had a lot of fear hanging on me. Social stuff that I’m trying to live up to. “I SHOULD…!” Shoulding, coulding, woulding… I lose when trying to play nice and be “what will make them like me”.
You know what? I realized this while writing that.
I’ve played to please others…and I rarely am happy with myself. LBFH has dug in, and I can only imagine what it’d be like to LIKE AND LOVE MYSELF. That’s been difficult facing that since I don’t know what to do, what to seek…ummm…who to “be like”. I guess I’ve been uncomfortable since images of others are my main guides mostly for loving myself.
I haven’t dumped like this in a while.
I’ve been going back and questioning myself about my next move. Stage 1, or Stage 3?
I’m torn. Lots of old shit still hangs on, but damn, I’ve never been daring and pushed through to see things I’ve never seen or known. Yesterday, I thought Stage 3 would be good.
I’m torn. —kicking my own ass when considering “not being perfect” and breaking my own rules I’ve made. I’ve been trying to perfect in my own eyes–and I’m weary.
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Washout day 4
Now that I think about it, St.2’s description says you’ll know all your good and bad traits. I’m in normal territory.
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Responsibility.
I hate that word.
It came to mind and stuck after…after I got pissed at my coworker for not being responsible (with my safety). I was actually looking for something to pin on him, making it all his fault.
But it never feels well when trying to throw someone under the bus. I wanted to blame him, but the conflicting emotions told me this was about ME, not him.
This was all in my head.
An hour later, I apologized for my bad mood, and he was cool with it. No issues between us the rest of the day.
Responsibility is something I’ve been mostly blind to. I work. I pay my bills. I look responsible. Others see me as hard working and responsible.
But a scared kid runs me most of the time, seeking the easiest, the least visible, and the (emotionally) safest route, if at all possible.
—f***, I actually use emotional words here…so others might “jump in and help”. The kid in me shouts in victory since he recruited someone else to take responsibility for me.
The victim mindset I’ve used is fully geared for others to “rescue me”, meaning another recruit is found. Poor me…puffy lipped…awwww…
Puke!
I just deleted a long sentence. I was trying to look mature and responsible. But today, and just now, I’m getting pieces of courage and truth. My emotional side feels weak in this, and I’m gonna have to learn how to be honest.
I’ve been scared of my pain too long. I believe as I begin to feel my self-love more, honesty will come much much easier.
Last point: this was all Stage 2. That excites me. I thought Khans were just persistent dicks (being honest there). I’d have never known things like personal responsibility were in a Khan’s makeup. I never knew this. I feel like such a newbie in real adulthood.
Washout day 5
Resuming loops Sunday night
I’m tired of playing weak–that’s been my role.
I’m tired of playing weak. I’m tired of hiding behind it.
I DO feel insecure being strong. I realize it’s because my place has always been the follower, the helper, the agreeable one.
I’ve wrestled today in my mind, seeking to worm myself back into a familiar place. In that place, everything seemed safe.
I’m also wrestling with a truth this last hour: I’ve lived in a fantasy I created. Makes me feel weak and afraid of correction–that fear of being corrected popped up since I, this whole week, have projected this vice onto someone else.
Me acting weak is me trying to hold up pieces of my fantasy. Now I’m wondering what to do about it.
Where my head went today was considering another cycle of St.2. Then it changed to St.1. Then it changed to St.3. I’m just having mental recon, so no commitments at this time.
Also, I realized I’ve pushed everyone away–here and in real life–so I can avoid correction. Shitty way to live.
While taking a break just now, I realized I keep looking for the familiar responses. It’s more appealing. And the opposite? Feeling like I’m an utter failure, unworthy of love and having value. That’s why I’ve avoided correction.
But…why do I keep returning…and running from…and returning to—the belief that I’m a failure?
It’s a core trauma that steers my life. I follow low goals to avoid feeling this. (truth there). I wouldn’t have seen this if I’d not began writing about it. Writing puts me out on paper. I get some of the real me out.
I’m wondering…what the f*** should I do?
2 days left of washout. Loops of (something) and LBFH Sunday night.
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Washout day 6
I’m having an little awakening happening. A transition from “keep away” to…more than I hoped for.
I’ve been on Khan 2 months now. It’s challenged some lasting impediments to growth continuously. …however, I’ve felt glued to an old image of myself. I’ve believed I was unlovable and unwanted.
I got back from getting my haircut a while ago, and I got challenged by a woman, the stylist.
She was late 20’s or early 30’s, but our conversation was very natural and honest. We talked about ourselves, back and forth. No stress. I aired I’m an introvert, and she said something that touched me. She said for an introvert, I was quite open and talkative. She encouraged me to get out more, as I said I am at work mostly. She even sincerely questioned if I was an introvert. She made me think.
I’m so used to holding back, protecting my heart. I just felt like I should be trustworthy and open for people (anyone) to open up to me as well. I did this, and the response was beautiful to me. Opening up wasn’t so terrible.
These are the encouraging moments I hold on to. They tell me I can grow.
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Washout day 7
Khan St.3 and LBFH tonight
Khan has really been digging in. Not major explosions, but rather clear insights along with a PUSH. I’m not claiming victory here. But rather an admission of seeing choice now.
Maybe 30 minutes ago I had something come to mind, and this is what I’m seeing my resistance in. I heard in my head “get outside”, right after taking the dog outside to pee.
I’ll admit my inner reluctance. But strangely, I remember Khan’s sales page, which was changed since v.2 came out.
It said Khan would make you very uncomfortable if you sidestepped promptings. Mixing LBFH with Khan has kept me from bashing myself full-time, yet…I’m not wanting to settle in my “do nothing” stance.
Writing here seemed to have me see outside of my funk. I’m going to go explore while facing my insecurities. Just get outside.
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I did something unplanned. I don’t have shields up admitting this, because I did something unexpected, even by myself.
I ran 5 minutes of Stage 1 over an hour ago, hoping to challenge old hangups first.
For days now, I’ve wondered what is real, what is true, and what is right for me. I’ve not posted such questions since I know, from experience, that that’s me begging someone to make the tough decisions for me.
I got a strong motivation last night reading some of @Phoenix’s journal. I found this:
I went for a long walk in my neighborhood, savoring the sense of freedom that’s being imbued in me by Khan. Yet repeatedly, I’d imagine a worst case situation in things happening around me. Mostly people being angry at me and rejecting me. Like fear tendrils from my mind still reaching for and seeking something to hold on to.
This stuff’s still alive in me, prompting continual fears, and Phoenix’s post put me in a warrior mindset to face and overcome this utterly persistent barrier to growth.
It’s strange, but since I’ve read St.2’s description a number of times, it makes sense. I’d have new imaginations of romantic involvements running right alongside fears screeching to hold up my guard. In fact, I spoke to one woman on my walk today. She was watering her lawn, she said hi, and I responded just as she had. —But my mind instantly went to finding words to seduce her and draw her in. I didn’t say anything else. Not that she was super attractive. I just noticed she was a woman seeking some attention. My mind went there, and it was obvious to me since I’ve usually…just shut down such thoughts. Like I very rarely think like that. Normally, I take a “little boy” position, seeing her in motherly way. This was how I felt safe around most older woman most of my life. It’s an old pattern I’m ashamed to keep reliving.
And that incident gave me courage.
2 minutes later, old childhood fears rose up, seemingly unrelated to the interaction, but they yelped and screeched to be heard. Which is why I’m wishing to confront them. To not be owned by fears of intimacy my whole life.
I’ll admit I’m afraid of being torn down here–those are my fears, pointing to the same root of being rejected. I’m wishing to grow out of this pattern, both here and with women around me. Khan helps me see women are EVERYWHERE. I’m tired of avoiding them.
I’m torn since St.1 tears down unhealthy beliefs and fears, while St.3 throws you out there, basically confronting those fears head on. I have doubts about my decision since I’ve rarely faced my fears head on. It’s lifelong beliefs I’m facing.
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I’m remembering something @friday said. Friday came here years back, young and really anxious to get into med school, and for whatever reason, he chose Khan as his growth tool. He went straight to Stage 4 (which wasn’t recommended). He ran K4, he found his groove, and he got into med school with energy to spare. He stuck with Khan, he had loads of girls through the years, and he came later saying Khan was much more than a sex sub. (@James has mentioned this point several times, but I’ve not found it yet. Where is it found @James?)
It points you to be a better man, a better person.
I mention this because I’ve felt torn by moving to St.1–out of a desire to be in compliance with what others do or recommend. That’s significant because this is how I live and have lived all my life. Just going along with others. Agreeing with them. Giving up my wants out of a fear of losing their love (even here on an anonymous forum. Yeah).
But Khan IS moving in me, reminding me of my value, helping me to move forward. I feel a strength, and I feel energized.
Those old traumas have called the shots tooooo damn long. It’s time to actually look at them.
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Patience is not the ability to wait but how you act while you’re waiting.
I read some post in this forum, they listened to Khan and hurriedly finished it and then in months they complain that it did nothing to them. They simply lack the passion of not rushing things.
While your in Khan the emotions of the past will go up at the surface and you will witnessed these and normally will fear them, they are not there to scare you for life but rather make you a better person or even the best version of you.
And if you stayed longer (not doing multiple loops listening to it) you will noticed that some people will ignore you but those same people will tip toe with your presence. When I was in stage 2 I noticed I began to dress properly, I had this urge and doing it to cleaned anything that is dirty. And women keeps noticing me. It is not really necessary to dress up smart, perfume, etc. Khan will help show you the way.
We need to resonate with Khan in order to experienced what it was, otherwise we will miss all the fun.
Because in stage 3 it was a very heavy kind of fun.
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Thanks @Phoenix. I appreciate your encouragement to stay on it, as I’ve had that idea since starting that real change happens only when one sticks with a sub. I did months on Emperor before this, and the resilience scripting stayed in my head for a while, encouraging me to see Khan through. Before Emperor, I didn’t have that thinking. Long-term use had great effects.
I’ve been looking for that thinking lately. It helped me feel secure in my choices.
My plan originally was to run 1, 2, 3, and 4 in sequence, then repeat or dig in on one, like K4. Right now, I’m digging in on K1. A month down the road is too long to predict, but post-K1, I’m looking at K3, then K4.
I’m actually … seeking to know my goals right now. But having done 5 minutes of K1 earlier today, I sense it’s already tearing down my templates and norms, so my actual goals may be completely different in a month or two. K1 makes everything I thought I knew feel fragile.
I was listening to LBFH while writing. 3 minutes became almost 9.
Oops.
I honestly don’t know. I will try to find it though
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