I searched for it, both in the Emperor thread and the New Khan thread. Haven’t found it.
It’ll show up 
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Do you have any idea what I said?
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Day 2
Rest day
5 minutes of St.1 was too much, so I’ll go back to 3 minutes tomorrow.
But this round is digging deeper. Even during the 1 minute I’ve been writing so far, I caught myself remembering being fake here, and disgust came.
In short, it’s going straight to who I am and who I’ve sought to “appear” as.
Oddly, it’s welcome. It kills the stress of pretending. I fucking hate doing that to myself.
And @James, I read your comment in the Khan discussion about it undoubtedly taking you from thinking you’re a kid and transforming him into an adult. Yes!! I was experiencing this on Emperor, but gains are much more subtle on Emperor. Total Breakdown, however, tears right through my own bullshit quickly! And wow! No beating my own ass afterwards!!
I really look forward to the daily shifts and changes 
You posted Friday’s quote of him saying that Khan was much more than a sexual subliminal. He said it makes you a better man overall.
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See that’s the thing I feel has been my entire purpose in running subliminals. Even when I was running subs from other companies before SubClub was a thing it has always been my end goal
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Here you go
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Reading that made me realize that it’s not about chasing women or anything else. It’s about becoming such a high value man that anything outside of that is a nice accoutrement.
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I’ve said I wanted to be an adult, and that’s true. However, what I’ve really wanted is to love and value myself, even a little more than I (didn’t) yesterday. I’ve treated myself very, very harshly when I even barely glimpse other’s relationships with themselves.
Caring about myself has, sadly, always been a weakness of mine. I’m stacking Khan with LBFH right now since during (either St.1 or St.2) I realized that major hole in myself. Somehow I began reading Viktor’s journal–and he had major breakthroughs with it.
Using Khan is mostly “how do I do this?”
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Bingo! That’s it!
Thank you. I’ve been wanting to dig into it
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One thing that has bothered me a bit is that there isn’t necessarily any idea of what to expect with Total Breakdown. How is a person possibly going to feel while running TB? I was always an anxious mess. Even with 30s loops. I started to feel like I was going to have to take more days off and gradually increase the exposure time which bothered me being a bit of an impatient person. That I would be running TB for a long time. If that’s the case which I’m hoping @SaintSovereign can enlighten me on because now I’m at the point that I’m not sure I care anymore about how long or whatever
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I realized something which I’ve known for a long time.
I’ve not pursued women, wealth, status, or anything like this…since I’ve known that if I did (in my current mindset), I’d only be covering over my core need. And that need is love.
I’ve wanted relationships.
I’ve also wanted wealth (for relationships)
I’ve wanted status (for relationships).
I’ve believed old putrid shit about myself. It’s led my life to become smaller and smaller…and smaller.
LBFH, LB (later), and Khan–to completely upset my upset life.
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I feel like I’ve hit a wall where I’m so fucking sick of dealing with fit throwing insecure man children and wanna be tough guys that I want to become the complete antithesis of any and all of that. This has my purpose in life
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James. What feelings are you afraid of? That’s a very personal question. So sit on it.
What are you afraid of facing? What scares the shit out of you the most?
Very personal questions. Don’t answer here. Breathe. And allow yourself to know.
I’ve been very terrified of my own feelings. My complete softness and gullibility. My (seemingly) scarring, violent rage. What I didn’t want to know myself. I’m slowly facing them. But I walked into this months back. No “waking up and seeing everything clearly” bullshit. It wasn’t hell either–and I expected it to be.
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I know it’s not exactly healthy but I crave hyper independence
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I think I get it. That’s how I’ve lived.
“You might hurt me.
I might show you something you’ll use against me.”
So, I distance myself. I don’t want to NEED others.
And…all those “leaders” online don’t NEED anyone. Maybe…I could be free like they are!
Yes. I’ve been there. My story started in my young teens, and maybe …3 people…in the last 40 years…have gotten inside my heart.
I’m sick and tired…of being sick and tired…of being sick and tired.
I DO need people. But I’m fucking AFRAID of being hurt. And that wall…takes ME down daily. Life gets small…less meaningful…less desirable…it’s only pain.
And I breath…ah.
I took off from SC for some months, making my own subliminals and using another producer’s. I found some relief. I also found my fear of discovering my truths. I went in circles for a while.
Then, upon remembering many positive experiences here at SC, I came back. I snuck in, not writing. All I knew was pasting my “face”. I was afraid to be me. Vulnerable me. Fucking pissed off me. Scared shitless me.
I was reading my Gmails, something I don’t do but every few days (too much spam). I found out that you, James, had begun Khan. I was like “Holy SHIT!”
“If he can do Khan, I can. If he has the guts to do it…than maybe I can. Because I KNOW Khan can, and will, disrupt my (uncomfortable) life”
I said “F*** it! I’m gonna do it”
And Khan STILL scares me. But…
But LBFH is doing a strange thing. A very strange thing. I’m loving me. For the newly reading, that’s a profound “HOLY SHIT!!” change in me. I’ve been without self-love for…too long.
Love still scares me. Which is the reason I’ve avoided relationships in every part of my life. Love cares. Love heals.
But I’ve had traumatic experiences with love. That’s why I’m on both Khan and LBFH. To break through. To admit defeat to concealing my truth.
This is total change…for me
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For me it’s about not wanting to ask for help or having to rely on anyone for anything. Everything is so transactional now. People don’t do things just because or because it’s the right thing to do. There’s always an expectation hanging there.
It’s fucking pathetic and weak.
The expectation that is. It’s overflowing with insecurity and neediness
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Transactional. It sucks. I’ve done it.
What do you imagine will happen in most situations?
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It depends on the situation. I would rather walk away. I refuse to be anyone’s slave
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I’m gonna think on that James. It’s making me consider my own ways.
But it’s close to 10, and I’m up at 4. I’ll be back tomorrow.
And thanks. It takes courage to admit this stuff, especially when we’ve felt trapped by it.
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Being an older guy at almost 57 I think once I begin Khan St 4 I’m going to stack it with Emperor Daddy. I’ve finally started to be able to accept my age and I want to take more advantage of my life experiences and see how I can mature emotionally and mentally. It’s so weird but sort of cool to look in the mirror every morning and see a grey beard
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