Today is a processing day and I can really feel Wanted hitting me hard today. I am a bit up in the blue, but still there’s a lot of energy in my body, it’s just that my head is in heavy processing mode. This recon shows up sometimes but not always, and I know that its a sign of major progress.
I do notice a lot of people looking at me almost a bit fascinated. It feels like I’m in a period of getting used to all the attention I’m getting. Not going to lie, but I’m still feeling the effects of the last year and a half where I just minimally interacted with other people and society.
Thinking about how I used to live my life just up until a couple of years back, I do believe this introduction of Wanted is a good choice. I used to be in complete denial since my teenage years that women was something for me, it was my way of coping from my childhood traumas, and I used that frustration in other aspects of my life, mostly sports.
Wanted I feel therefore is working on the layers of denial I still have sometimes in this regard. Of course its way better than it used to be, but I find bits of pieces of it now and then, but I’m becoming more aware of when it is happening and the emotions behind it is not as strong anymore but just more of a bad habit.
It’s funny how deep these scars go from decades of just reaffirming destructive patterns. And also the other way around, the things I effortlessly do because I just believed over the years that I’m good at it.
I belive this is something to keep in mind when reading and replying on this forum, that just because I can see someone’s destructive and negative behavior, that they can because it’s their blind spot. So instead of getting annoyed why not do all you can to support and lift that person up. Often we complain that our immediate surroundings don’t understand us or don’t want to work on themselves like we do… but in here, we have a whole platoon of driven people that want just that and are willing to put in the time.
But in a society where that is seen as what you do every weekend, or like in Sweden, from May to September when we are not walking around with bear pelts, it’s not that hard to figure out why I get tempted all the time. Being sober at a bar or nightclub I have no problems with, but after the clocks strike midnight, it’s no fun being sober anymore around very drunk people.
damn you!
