Do you think that she may be projecting some of her insecurities/negative traits onto you, and thatās why she may act so inconsistently with you compared to others? I 100% agree with you putting your foot down and distancing yourself, Iām just trying to make sense of why almost every time you bring her up, she reverts to some childish behavior or blame game that shows she hasnāt really matured past that age.
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I know that
I also know, now with some time, that I canāt get her to evolve past that if sheās not willing to.
Iāve tried for two years.
Itās just, I have to think about me as well, I canāt keep being stuck in the same place waiting for her to get out of the same patterns she complains about.
I told her all I could. All the wisdom I could muster to get her to stop getting into the same self destructive patterns.
And all I get is to see her destroy herself again and again.
So yeah, nah.
I went beyond because it felt like I knew her for centuries from the very first day I met her (and it may very well be so with past lives) and because she was/is interesting and got me to meet a ton of people for better and for worse, but I donāt wanna play that game no more. Enough is enough, I gotta take care of myself too.
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Her having caused this court thing too could almost be like a direct message of that too
Itās not her who caused that.
Itās me, by getting in between the guy who wanted to slaughter her and herself.
(because she kissed a girl in front of him, him being homophobic and jealous because she got him to buy her a ton of dtuff and give her a ton of money, using the fact he love her, without her giving anything back.)
I got myself in that situation by defending her, no, I only blame her for abandoning me afterwards.
Like, not even blaming her much, I can understand thatās a bother, but maaan I would have liked some support.
My lawyer whom I pay a fortune because heās the dean of the university of law gave my case to a newbie and I basically had to defend the case myself.
Still do now that I appealed.
Basically alone in front of the judge and jury and prosecutor and attorney.
This is also why I look ahead for subs, I gotta really up my game if I want to do the job that I pay my lawyer to do and not have to sell my home or car to pay for the aggressorās / wannabe murderer medical fees.
Have you looked into this?
https://q.subliminalclub.com/product/key-of-the-courts/
Customs can be expensive but maybe including it as the additional module of a name embed might help.
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Thanks for the recommendation 
I think the only major title in which Iād include it would be Raikov, since I intented to use Raikov as the main vector to accelerate learning starting march 30th
Though yeah, itād be the price of a multistage, and itās not much the price the issue but rather my own questioning on if it wonāt be too focused on that? I mean not that itās a bad thing or anything, but I intent to use Raikov long term and not just for this instance, and aside from that I never had legal issues before.
Iāll have to think on it more, I have some times before that.
Also, even if Iāll have to sell my apartment or car Iāll find a way, maybe itāll be the beginning of the #vanlife I fantasized about? lol
Especially since dreams and fantasies do tend to come trueā¦
Edit:
Though when I say ā#vanlife I fantasized aboutā I donāt just mean like I dreamt of sleeping in a van.
I envisioned it more like a combination, meeting new people and learning skills by Wwoofing (aka, working in farms or doing small tasks for food and lodging), trading and investing with the excess money from selling my place, doing small jobs here and there using my diverse skills, using free time to write the books I have in mind, and to appreciate and commune with nature, as well as doing volunteer tech work for the open source community and associations, as well as helping people get out of the Big Techās overreach. These are things that get me excited.
Of course, these are still fantasies, as I have a cushy job with an apartment, stuff like that.
People counting on me, I have to be responsible, things like that
Edit 2:
Even though how I could learn some more of Quantum Physics than I already know, become a quantum programmer, (as it will become shortly in the next 10 to 20 years the next big thing with Quantum Computing becoming more advanced and Quantum AI that will develop)
maybe even use quantum computing for market prediction
After all, whatās the best way to influe on a second order chaotic system (aka, chaos that respond to prediction) if not using non-causal computing? (aka, using the non-linearity of time to predict)
Edit 3: make modeling gigs, be an extra in commercials, go on tv shows, possibilities are endless
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Lowkey just taking a step back to see the order in everything. āSpring. Summer. Autumn. Winter.ā like Saint and Fire touch on in their writing stuff. Stuff like Revelation of Wealth, not even to make money but just to understand the flow of things. Although that might be just me since my background doesnāt see quantum physics or computing in the best light. Not having to rely on an unpredictable system feels better.
If itās something you looked forward to then it really might just be a blessing in disguise urging you towards it
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Having worked with programming, notably involving nuclear and high energy physics systems, I can absolutely understand that.
Scientists working at Iter, (and am assuming similarly for other similar places) arenāt the funniest, nor the most open minded surprisingly.
To me, Quantum Physics is closer to nature than classic computing.
While classic computing is deterministics ones and zeroes, often nature and life tend to be less so and more fluid.
QP thus get closer to it, as it is probabilistic and closer to the actual systems.
Though it canāt do everything, as we bent society over to be deterministic black-and-white, but it is good for predicting issues closer to nature, like weather, particles computation, proteing folding, financial markets, and other chaotic systems (chaotic meaning, hard to predict because just changing a tiny thing give a totally different result)
And yeah, as you said, it may be a blessing in disguise ^^
Anyway, I choose to trust life, and am sure that as long as I donāt give up on it and keep living as much as possible, it wonāt give up on me and will let me live as much as possible.
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Can you send me a resource about the protein folding? I know of really good ML/NN methods but havenāt heard of QP being used to tackle it. (this is very much me just nerding out)
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This is not my field but I saw news in one of the vulgarisation magazine Iām subscribed to,
I found this article on the subject, where they solved complex protein folding problems faster than with classic computing, apparently the team got a new optimisation method that helped them find stable energy states ^^ Researchers Use Trapped-Ion Quantum Computer to Tackle Tricky Protein Folding Problems
Thereās also this older article in nature where they explain how quantum computing was less energy intensive than classic computing Resource-efficient quantum algorithm for protein folding | npj Quantum Information
Though of course, this article being 4 years old there was less qbit, less error correction, and less stability than we have now, thereās a race to quantum computing going on currently, well a race toward disruptive tech/ deep tech in general, we live in interesting times ^^
Quantum specialty seem to be NP problems, because while with classic computing gotta try solution one at a time (or more with multithreading, but weāre limited by the amount of cores, hence why we use GPUs who got way more cores than CPUs), quantum computing, from my understanding, try every possible solutions at once.
Talking about that, doesnāt it seem like Quantum computing could be good for solving blockchain transactions? Iām gonna search
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She wants me to be into her life but I know sheāll keep with her self destructive egoistic trait, no matter how many people she hurt.
She donāt wanna change, and I canāt force her.
So yeah, I should probably just block her.
She donāt wanna do it even as fwb with me, and she doesnāt even really act as a friend with all the bs she put me through.
Best guess is she like that I listen to her and bump her up emotionally, but itās draining for me to see her alcoholism, amongst other things, destroying her and her family.
New years should be for resolutions, right?
I really should block her.
Aaanyway, Iāve been informing myself a bit more on my february vacation with my mom and sis, weāll be going to the Thailand south and have been organizing what kind of islands and activities we wanna do 
Iāve started trying to learn Thai as well as the cultural custom, as I always do before going to a foreign country.
I quickly wondered whether to replace GLM in my planned stack rot with Polyglot to help with that but nah, GLM will help way more and on way longer term than Polyglot.
Even with the vacation itself, given the nature of the culture.
And anyway, I can still make big progress in two month I think?
Try to have at least an everyday basic conversation level.
If I can just get into banters with locals, introduce myself and be polite, thatād be gold, I donāt aim for more for now lmao
Edit: as a reminder, Iāll start with one title rotated jan 5th, so in 5 days
I have been on washout since the 22th (except for listening to 3m of PN on Saturday 27th, which did cause a tiny bit of recon for 2 days lol) so Iāve been on washout for 9 out of 14 days total.
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I feel that my processing queue is empty, or at least close to, which is normal after 13 days of washout.
Iām spending my days learning thai, the culture, the way of life, etc. Learning a ton.
Reading some of my books on my to read list
And introspecting.
I know that one of my biggest chains/tethers/fetters I have to get rid of is lust (wanting to control through sex, or dominate in bed), along with any expectation for any results.
These cause me and other people suffering if/when I cannot appreciate a good time for what it is, free of any expectation.
These are hard demons to vanquish. They are linked to traumas and I even know which.
But yeah, healing is needed, and I wanna say inevitable? Though that is in itself an expectation.
I really need to free myself of expectation, even for things I consider truths.
Though when asking myself, is this belief useful or not? The answer is yes, believing that healing is possible makes it so.
On the other hand, having no expectation and still doing the work toward it would be even better I believe, because letting go avoid re-creating new knots while I untie the old ones.
Thatās the trick, to Life, really.
doing what ought to with no expectation for results, with the understanding of the probable consequences and result.
Accomplishing Destiny (the way we live life, and what we do in life)
Also, although I donāt really like new year resolution because we tend to make some goal and then not reach it and be disappointed, but I do have some goals/resolution myself that I think may and will be attained:
Have fun
Love more
Learn more
Live more
Expect less
Deep squats
Of these, I think the āExpect lessā will be the hardest, though I will still strive to fulfil it, and the subs will most likely keep helping.
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J-2 until the Regen-AoH-LBFH cycle, starting with LBFH and Regen 
Today along with my mom we took care of sorting all the admin I had accumulated, truly sheās a gem <3
And tomorrow Cin wanna come to my place in the afternoon to talk??! 
Well well well, thatāll be quite an adventure again 
Weāll see what happens 
Edit:
Ok, so she was supposed to come to my place at 11am, Iām thinking thatās a mark of trust, really thatās good isnāt it? So I start cooking for lunch,
then she ask me if I wanna go to the bar insteadā¦ like duuude, Iām already cooking and you want me to spend 9 hours in the bars, like I donāt have that kind of money, and even if I did have it, I know how sheās gonna be by the end and I donāt wanna live that, so I tell her nah, then 11am come and goes she tell me sheāll be there around 2pm, so ok
then I nap a bit cuddling my cat and reading a book while the sausage and rougail sauce are slowly cooking
Then 2pm come and goes, she asks me if a friend in common Mil can come as heāll drive her there, I understand then that yeah sheās scared of coming alone and having a deep discussion or scared of me potentially being weird with her or something like it, idk.
In any case, I accept, I like the guy so itās fine, he invited me for couscous last time so I can repay him too
I call to tell em itās ok and he insist that heās sorry, like he doesnāt wanna bother and know it was supposed to be Cin and I in the beginning + theyāre late, I tell him that itās totally fine, I like talking to him and that way heāll get a taste of how I cook too
So like around 3h30 pm they arrive, we laugh a bit, put on music, eat and chill.
As I guessed, Cin is extremely sensitive and defensive, on any and all matter, well no wonder sheās prob been drinking for a good 6 hours at that point, and sheās thinking a lot about her ex/no-ex whom she canāt forgive but still exchange a lot of textsā¦
Mil know it as well as I that sheās torn between wanting to go back and have the reassurance of not being alone with herself, and wanting to be free. Heās guessing sheās gonna go back to him, personally I bet on her getting with this guyās best friend (who like to party, take videos, keep soft-blackmail, much like a guy she knew last summer who let people who come to his bar watch a video of a foursome he had with her and two other guys on the bar counter, but hey she likes living dangerously I guess, since she keep ignoring the advice I give her that if she keep falling for the same guys, the same thing is gonna repeat.)
Anyway, soon enough around 6h30pm they leave, she ask me if I wanna come to the bar of the place where her āexā and āexā's best friend work, I say nah Iām good.
She do this whole shebang as to how I must not contact him again by respect for her, how I should delete his number, how if I asked her to delete my exās number sheād do it, how if I was a real friend I wouldnāt contact him.
I hadnāt even send a good year text to the poor sod since she insisted I donāt.
What is she afraid of? That Iām gonna get with him? That heāll learn things about her? Iām guessing the later more than the former.
She loves him after all, despite him cheating on her and lying.
So I tell her I never delete numbers, which is true, and if she wanna know whether I stayed in contact with him she can just ask him, she respond āyeah he could lie about that, like he lied about other thingsā
well, good luck for you in that case I guess.
Later, after yet more drinks she call me again telling me to stay far from her āexā, that Iām not a real friend if I contact him again, blah blah blah.
So, despite her initially being against me telling a story/parable and prefering to get angry and aggressive at me, I tell her the zen story of the empty boat
Of the monk who was meditating on a boat when it was hit by another, he got angry, open his eyes, and realise the other boat is empty
So yeah, thereās nothing. the boat you get angry at is empty.
She calms down, thank me for the parable and go on her way.
But yeah, I somehow doubt with all the alcohol in her blood sheās gonna go to the core of that story, but I know her subconscious got it. hopefully this seed of wisdom will fruit someday in the proper environment, like it did with me once.
I was brazen and fiery like that too when I was young, I was blessed with countless humbling lessons from life. Still am.
Anyway, todayās monday 5th, back to work and I listened to 1 minute each of LBFH and Regen,
next listening day will be wednesday 7th with AoH + Regen, 1m each
I wanted to listen more, but I stopped at 1m, letās start slowly.
(though masked LBFH kept playing in my bag for like 8 more minutes, I hadnāt consciously heard, I hope I didnāt unconsciously heard. and if I did I hope it wonāt be too heavy.)
and yeah, searching through the messages to get the schedule I realise, itād be way easier to have a calendar with what to listen and when, like either physical or both physical and digital
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Today is good, like many other day, this is a happy day.
I sent a text to Ja (my ex) genuinely thanking her for all the good times we had together and for her persistance and creativity, and sent a text to Cin genuinely thanking her for her existence and teaching me many thing.
We can learn from the good and the bad, so itās important to be thankful for both the good and the bad 
I was able to fit new years jokes too throughout the day so thatās great 
spent my free time (waiting for my boss to be available) reading a bit about how to increase the good in life, good energy, good vibes, good experiences
My place is more clear thereās less clutter, thanks to my mom helping me sort out papers the other day and thanks to myself for trying to maintain it.
Edit:
Iām conscious I should be saying āfor maintening itā, because maintening and trying to maintain are not the same.
It takes root in a false identity of myself as a messy person, that was validated and firmly implanted with a dyspraxia diagnosis when I was young. Though I know I like when things are not just laying about. How could I dislike something thatās me? So I canāt be messy, or I would love the mess.
Something to work on/think about.
Edit 2:
Still, I am conscious these are big steps, and I am grateful for the journey.
And Iām proud of myself for taking the actions and steps necessary to get better
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Just woke up from a dream and everyone was very friendly in it, though I was a bit timid but I tried my best, like I liked having friends though it was more the people coming to me than me coming to them.
though I had no success romance wise, with the lady I fancied preferring to go to the cat king, but I accepted it after she told me
I guess my subconscious really did hear the additional 8 minutes of LBFH from my bag lmaoo
Edit:
I still feel the mental weight of the guy who tried to kill me and how I reacted. There were way better ways to handle it. By turning his knife against him I stole the choice he had whether to try and go all the way to kill me and my friends or to give up and let me go. that wasnāt good. Itād have been better if I fled.
Still, the weight is less heavy than before. I can see the possibilities if I am definitely condemned and gotta sell my house and car to pay him.
I own the actions, but not their consequences. So itās important to be wise when taking action, and be wise when dealing with the consequences. So really my only possible way out will be with a mea culpa when pleading.
Iām not sure what would be best or worse, to be condemned or not.
on one hand if Iām condemned, thatād be forcing me down a path I want to take but am afraid of taking (the famous #vanlife travelling europe and the world), on the other hand, idk what would be the advantages of not being condemned, being able to keep living that life I lived so far, accumulate from the safety of home instead of facing challenges? Letting me more time to ready myself to do the big leap instead of jumping in it?
Will I even be able to do the big leap if condemned or is it just fantasy?
The taoist parable of the chinese farmer come to mind (see the wikipedia article for the original text)
Good luck bring bad luck, and bad luck brings good luck.
Could be good, could be bad.
Edit2: Patience is something that is still difficult to me, but what is the root of impatience? Is it a lack of trust in the ability to attain? And therefore wanting proofs and signs that I am on the way toward? Maybe. Probably.
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As I was searching for a way to help coordinate two teams at work (one in FR, the other in UK) I got a call from the department manager,
asking me to go there to represent the FR team and participate in the meetings to see what the manager hired for that got in plan to coordinate the two teams and third parties working on a big multi million euro project.
I may not be management (āmerelyā a software engineer, one of the few in our rapidly expanding/digitalising/modernising business) , but Iād appreciate such a position, I already worked a lot on it as I worked on the PMP back in 2022, along with multiple project management certifications (though I couldnāt get the CAPM due to a lack of money to get the certification and professional experience in the domain, but hey I like learning so I learned it anyway through lessons, books, and mock exams)
I like teaching, listening to, and working with people, helping them reach their goal and realise their potential and strengths.
So yeah, it is good that more responsibility is trusted my way, hopefully Iāll be able to show my worth and advance my position.
So Iāll be traveling to good old Scotland next week
Edit: Though to be clear I wonāt be in a management position as that is already taken by someone external, but itāll make things easier for everyone if I could help smooth out the collaboration and push things in such a way that us FR can still do our work and donāt spent it 100% trying to help them while they donāt do the minimum required so that our help may be integrated in their work (such as sending us their source for instanceā¦ takes 5 minutes max and we wouldnāt be stuck waiting for them to decide to send it)
We got deadlines to meet as well
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Day 3 of the AoH - LBFH - Regen stack: 3m AoH, 3m Regen
Yesterday evening was quite good, I was able to spend the last few hours before bed (as soon as the cat got up from sleeping on me)
I done my dishes, cooked, and meditated 20 minutes in Seiza on the hardwood floor despite how much the cat was worrying about me acting unusually (I think thatās why he meowed so much?)
Well, it hurt a bit, I understand why the websites advise a yoga mat when meditating on the ground.
Back when I meditated a lot I always did it from a chair outside, though I lost the habit. Iām thinking itād be good to have it back.
I was able to slowly calm and relax the different parts of my body, getting straighter in a better posture in the process, thanked and listened to every parts of my body, myself and the cat.
And focused on calming down the ripples within the mental sea, and feeling energy circulate within my body.
At one point I was able to let go and felt like I was both far away from my body looking at it from far above, expanded, and at the same time right there within it.
Then I clung to it, directed my awareness toward it, questioning it, and I was fully back only in my body, unable to get that feeling back.
Despite choosing to remain meditating.
At the start of the meditation I intended to do 30m, so the time it takes to cook, but in the end I instinctively got up some time after I got back fully in body, 20 minutes had passed.
And oh boy did my heels hurt lmao, and the rest of my feet had little sensations, so I spent the next 10 minutes massaging them.
Afterwards I just ate, cleaned dishes some more though not all, and went to sleep.
Today is fine, I listened to 3m of AoH and 3m of Regen, I feel less exstatic than the day before yesterday but still quite positive, the 3m each may cause too much processing for the full effects?
If thatās the case I should stay at 3m maybe?
In any case thatās fine, I feel good and processing
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yesterday evening I realised that we can only perceive what weāre open to experience,
and that if we stay trying to comprehend the world, to put words and understandings on it, well weāll be limited by said words and understandings.
If we look at this for instance, what do we see?
Any kind of description or understanding of all that happens here would be necessarily limiting to the whole, both the form, the idea behind the form, the mechanisms making such sight possible, and that which contains such mechanism.
There is a window into infinity there, the sky has no end.
And so, by grasping at understandings, Iām limiting myself to experience what I know and understand, instead of experiencing what I donāt know and donāt understand.
Yet, itās only through experiencing that we can know and understand in the first place
and so cycles repeat.
We may only either believe or know, because if we believe, that means we donāt know.
yet itās by going through this ānot knowā, getting there and trying, experimenting it, that we can know.
we can only know a posteriori to experiencing it.
hence why the need for belief and trust that we might get through it.
It is certainly reassuring to stay in what we know, but it is necessarily limiting and hindering growth and capacity.
Itās only by stepping into the unknown and doing that we might learn, thatās what we did as a child, and then unlearned as a teen and later as an adultā¦
The school of life last for life, it is infinitely more vast than any scholarly institutions.
Back when I had my masters I thought I learned some things, but it turns out I learned way less than I believed.
It is quite embarassing, to realise how little I know.
But Iām trying, Iām willing to get out there and live more, and experience more, though itās scary, but in a way these subs are reassuring? They present things so that the idea of what to do and what to expect is more refined and so itās easier to take action, because itās less scary when we expect what weāll live, though maybe less intense, but intensity goes with habit.
When we are in an environment, then we will necessarily be subjected both to tame inputs, and more intense ones, and so thereās always room to grow there, and refine said experienced environment.
I lived many things, but a great many people lived them before I, and many of them are far more advanced than I.
I am but a child that caught a glimpse of the world through the window, though itās still clouded by the fog of my excited breath, and so I see only shadows.
Only by going outside will I get to grasp the picture, and only by not putting words on it will I be able to really get to know it for what it is.
Edit: At one point I will play the revelation of mind and spirit, I am attracted to these titles, yet at the same time fear them a little? But first, I must get to doing and experiencing the world, so that I may build layers to unfold, reveal, and understand.
And that will be through Khan and later wealth and social titles (they seem like theyād go very well together).
I am not really interested in a relationship beyond mere basic lust, which is to me a lesser form to wanting to connect, and thus better achieved with social titles.
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Almost everyone I see thatās run them absolutely loved them and went through a period of āI donāt want to run anything elseā LOL. I do think that theyāre useful alongside said wealth and social titles since theyāll have you going through experiences that mirror your inner experience too. I donāt think itās a bad idea to start with them first though like you said, build layers to unfold.
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Absolutely,
I have two kind of customs in mind,
- one that push spiritual unfolding to the max and dig to the deepest part of my core
- and one that push wealth to the max from the deepest part of my core
After all, Iām both a Scorpio Stellium and a Capricorn Stellium lmao
but first I really need to get doing, and also to experience each of the titles (through actions as well) whose core I intent to put in, first by itself and then in combination with the others before putting them together in a custom, so it will be long term, eventually.
but yeah, linking one of the revelation (dream, spirit, mind, wealth) alongside wealth, social, or status titles indeed seem optimal to exploring both.
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