Maybe it is silly trying to force growth when I’m not even back to my natural self.
When I’m not healed.
Creating as I said may help, after all this is not growth, it’s taking who I am right now and crystalizing it in material form. so it shouldn’t strain my system further.
But healing is needed. going back to where I was when I was at my best is needed.
I will take another rest day today.
I see the mountain in front of me.
The mountain I fell down from.
I will climb it once again
Reclaim my rightful place at the top.
Amongst friends and family.
I climbed it once, I can do it twice or however many times it takes.
But any great climb needs rest.
And rest doesn’t necessarily means falling, it only means staying at the same place while we recuperate before going at it again.
Without getting too comfy, a rest spot is no destination.
Really, is there a destination?
Is the goal the destination or the journey?
Peaks follow one after another each greater than the other.
We just don’t see the other great peaks unless we’re high enough.
So unless we enjoy the climb itself, how can we ever hope to visit all of these?
Before becoming nutrients and the rocks and air themselves.
Heavy is the crown indeed, and we may only get a feel of the full weight of it once we’re dispossessed of our power.
I kind of fucked up didn’t I?
Switching subs foolishly, thoughtlessly, instead of switching only one at a time.
This is my second rest day and it is sorely needed.
My current stack is LBFH, Chosen, Gen:AoH.
What was my goal in that?
Finding myself once again, becoming once again a light for others and for myself was the goal.
I appear to be too weak for that as of now, and maybe I wasn’t quite ready for that role then which is why I lost it along with some sense of sanity.
Hell, I can’t even keep my home in order.
I got many blessings in life, one of them, God given, is to lighten my mental health issues, my lifelong burden.
I have to capitalize on that, to make sure the sacrifices weren’t in vain.
To take my life into my hands.
Maybe I should focus more on the healing aspects before trying to go further.
Rest on the way up the mountain.
I still intent to do so.
But maybe not in the next 5 months then, since I have to rotate only one title and heal.
Maybe first have four months to prepare the ground
LBFH + gen:AoH + Regen
LBFH + Regen + Limitless
LBFH + Regen + Limitless
Chosen + Regen + Limitless
My thinking in incorporating limitless is that I constantly work on expanding my cognitive functions, as well as the reports that it helps lessen the load. Well, mostly because of the reports that it helps lessen the load.
Though I’m thinking more and more that maybe GLM would be more appropriate for that goal.
And that GLM + Regen would make for a more powerful synergy.
So maybe all these limitlesses should be GLM instead.
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Hey you wonder filled being, my intuitive recommendation for you is LB + Regen + GLM.
You already came to this conclusion yourself so it’s confirmation for me that that GLM + Regen is right, I suggest adding Love Bomb, not LBFH but the other one that focuses solely on you.
Much love 
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Thank you
I saw your other posts on the forum and I have a great esteem of your opinions, thoughts, and recommendations.
I will definitely take it into account.
Though I should still only rotate out one title at a time
so the next three months will look like
LBFH + gen:AoH + Regen
LB + gen:AoH + Regen
LB + Regen + GLM
That way, I can keep it centered a bit more on me and on healing, as you advise
Also, as I read EXPERIMENTAL: Zero Point Stack Rotation - Subliminal Club Support Hub that Venus sent in the experimental ZP thread I realize, I haven’t made any washout so far, never mind 12 days 
no wonder that I slept a whole 13 hours the other day lol
yeah I’ll have to take a good long two weeks washout for christmas/new year at least, but hey I’ll start the new year on a good foot ^^
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Today I listened for the 6th day, so after 3 days without exposure, a slightly longer break than I intended lol
I also listened to a bit more accidentally, didn’t look too much and listened to 5 minutes instead of the 4 minutes of chosen I intended, plus 7 minutes of LBFH and Gen:AoH still ^^
Friday I was tired still, and still processing, though the Christmas lunch at work was nice and I got to eat well and see friends ^^
Yesterday I had a good day too I went with my SO to eat a tartiflette I cooked at her mom’s, before a friend called us to go to a birthday, so I went with my SO’s mom since the birthday boy was about her mom’s age, so they both had fun discussing with each others, it was a good day.
Though in the evening we were supposed to go to an island party but my friend’s mom who had the reservations was too tired so she canceled, we ended up eating a pizza the three of us and playing card games.
Today I was supposed to go see my dad and my mom, eat a raclette with them, but since my mil and sister are sick we ended up canceling too, so I spent the day with my SO, we baked a cake, had a walk in the forest gathering moss and mushrooms, it was a fun day ^^ now our toad got a much more fun terrarium
It was supposed to be my 7th day today, but I feel I need one more rest day.
So I decided to talk a bit more about the happenings instead.
I figured it was unfair to my SO/GF/long term relationship that I stay with her when I am more in love with being with someone than in love with her, even though she love me a fucking ton.
and I know that will break her and it makes me nauseous because I don’t want to hurt her, I want her to have a solid basis onto which to build life, but I know this cannot be me because although I like her as a person I fell out of love with her and so anything build would be built on a lie and I let this go too far.
and so, I know I don’t have any choice, I have to be fair to her, to break things as clean as possible and do anything in my power so that she have the support to pick the pieces back up, hoping that I won’t break too much the momentum of stability and hope she’s on.
I will be the asshole that breaks things up, but if I don’t I’ll be even worse, as I’d just be using her instead of being level, I would’nt be honest.
and there is no good reason not to do it now aside from fear of how it’ll make her feel, because I know that in any case I’ll have to eventually do it and the more I let it ferment the worse it will be for her when it happen.
My dad asked me a question after our last fight, would I still see myself with her 10 years from now? and the response is clearly no.
So, that’s what it is.
Oh, also here’s some more general life news:
In february I’ll have my first vacation in a very long time, more than a year, more than 3 years if we count outside the country, I’ll be going to thailand for two weeks with my family 
So I’ll try to learn some thai in the meantime (I always try to learn the basic of the language when I go to a country, I figure the least I can do to be polite and respectful of the people and culture is to take interest in it.
Also, entirely unrelated, during the year I will have an appeal on a condamnation for assault with a weapon. (turning the knife against someone who tried to murder me and two friends)
more details
for context, a Friend (the victim, Dan) I had in common with another friend Cin, liked Cin very much, we went a few times to a cheese festival and getting mushrooms in the forest, he gave her some money quite often in the back of his wife with whom he had some issues because of his closeness with Cin.
One day, after drinking a lot the three of us, Cin went to do her job as barmaid and ended up kissing a girl she met that night, Dan got very upset, said some transphobic things like this isn’t natural, Cin, I, and our new friend Ali ended up leaving the bar and going to another, telling Dan to leave us alone, which incidentally made him even more upset.
he followed us until the other bar and got thrown out because he started getting aggressive.
He went to his car, drove to the bar, and threatened to slaughter Cin, pulling out a knife the length of his forearm, she kicked his reflector, he left.
We decided to go to a grocery store, take some bottles (beer, coke, whisky) and go back home, I carried the coke and beers.
Dan ended up following us to the grocery store, the patrons of the bar seeing that ran over there and helped held him off, we fleed.
He pursued us in the streets, even going against the signalisation, we called the police while running away, he pursued us for like half an hour until we tried to hide in a parking and he found us.
the two friends Cin and Ali fled, I was paralyzed by fear.
He got out of his car, reflexedly I take the coke above my shoulder in a threatening/defensive position, he said don’t fuck with me and go back into his car to take his knife, I put down the bottle and the beer, and advance mechanically, he advance too.
He is in front of me and have his knife in his right hand blade toward the sky, I am unarmed,
I kicked his hand and the knife fell to my right and his left.
I am scared he might take his knife and kill me, I take the knife with my left hand, blade toward the ground.
I tell him to back off and start backing off myself.
I feel threatened, maybe he thrown himself at me, before I know it I have a bleedy knife in my left hand, and he have a bleeding left leg.
I throw the knife in the garbage spot nearby, get the beers, and run away to the central plaza, I find Cin and Ali while running away.
on the central plaza, I see Dan caught up to us in his car, he told me “you stabbed me”,
I tell him “go to the hospital”, he respond “if I go to the hospital I’ll take you to court”, before leaving his car and going toward us, at that point the police arrive, start to arrest him, finally he leave with the firefighters and I go with the police.
I was with them in a cell for nearly two days giving them as much details as possible and awainting the result whether I’ll go to court immediately for assault or not, in the end not since Dan survived (thanksfully, it got close to his femoral artery, he was wounded from the external thigh but the knife was so big it ended up almost all the way through)
Still, I got condemned despite me giving a good speech according to my lawyer (who ended up being useless unfortunately, despite going to the cabinet of the dean of the local prestigious law school, specialized in self defense, he put a new lawyer on the case) my plea was mostly that I was scared due to having been the victim of multiple attacks and murder attempts throughout my life, and that I wanted to protect my two friends from someone who tried to kill them and wanted no one to be hurt.
I hoped to have the court see the self defense, but they didn’t take it into account telling me I could have fled after disarming him.
though the sentencing was extremely light, the legal minimum.
but the issue is not with the 3 month suspended jail sentence, but with having to pay the medical bills of Dan, hence why I appealed.
If I have to pay his medical bills I’ll surely have to either downgrade my home or sell my car.
I have been letting a homeless person live at my place for a while and money is tight when feeding two mouths on one salary.
But yeah, since then I realized my part of responsibility. I should have seen he was upset and delt with him diplomatically already back then even through his homophobic insults. Calmed him down and sent him home reassured instead of just fleeing.
So I sent a letter to excuse myself for my behavior back then, through his brother.
I will have to give the best mea culpa feasible in the history of court if I hope to get away without paying for his medical fees, but I hope the judges will see his part of responsibility in the affair, that I am not a dangerous person, and that the punishment (having to sell and downgrade my home) is disproportionate related to what I did (well, at least these are my point of view. I will have to see things from their side as well if I ever hope to make an effect. “How to make friends” will be vital in that)
a bit of a wild ride today lol, did 7m LBFH, 8m20 of chosen (forgot to look at the timer, it went smoothly after a bit of me looking at the time around &m30)), 7m20 of AoH (didn’t look too much at the timer either.
Yesterday I broke up with my former SO Ja, and then we went Cin, Ja and I see a hockey match, overall it was good, except that Cin don’t feel her So give her the attention she needs, she don’t see him often as he’s always either working or being the hockey team speaker or taking care of his childs, which is comprehensible tbf, but yeah.
All around it feels ok to well.
Ja didn’t take it badly, she has an apartment and welfare coming up so she’ll be fine even without me.
On my side, I’ll have to focus on myself and resolving my own issues lmao
So yeah, from what I see 2 days rest between listening to the three titles seems fine for me,
I feel great, I take decisions to separate from people that bring problems and have bought problems in the past, I’m slowly healing from my savior syndrom (though I guess I still have quite a way to go!) and am aggreable while doing so, people seem to like me and be happy around me, good for them! ^^
So my two weeks washout was supposed to start on the 22nd
if I take two days of rest, my next listening day will be the 20th
though if I take one day rest, I’ll be able to listen twice, the 19th and the 21st.
but yeah, less is more, and in any case I’ll pick subs back up on Jan 5th, so I might as well just listen on the 20th and just push the times a bit 
Starting jan 5, I might try Billion’s unofficial listening schedule rotating the three stack so I got two exposures of each every week. Not forgetting that we should take 7 days more off a title between rotating it out.
So the schedule would look like
First cycle: LBFH-AoH-Regen
- Mon 5th: LBFH - Regen
- Wed 7th: AoH - Regen
- Fri 9th: AoH - LBFH
- Mon 12th: LBFH - Regen
- Wed 14th: AoH - Regen
- Fri 16th: AoH - Regen
- Mon 19th: AoH - Regen
- Wed 21th: AoH - Regen
Second cycle: LB-AoH-Regen
- Mon 26th: LB - Regen
- Wed 28th: LB - AoH
- Fri 30th: AoH - Regen
- Mon 2nd: LB - Regen
- Wed 4th: LB - Regen
- Fri 6th: LB - Regen
- Mon 9th: LB - Regen
- Wed 11th: LB - Regen
Third cycle: LB-GLM-Regen (my vacation should start around that time)
- Mon 16th: Regen - GLM
- Wed 18th: LB - GLM
- Fri 20th: LB - Regen
- Mon 23th: Regen - GLM
- Wed 25th: LB - GLM
- Fri 24th: LB - Regen
- Mon 9th: Regen - GLM
- Wed 11th: LB - GLM
idk yet if I’ll continue that third cycle for a while, I’ll have to see at the time, or if I rotate regen out and put something else then. (in which case, in the third cycle it’ll be LB + GLM from Wed 25th onward)
The official alternative 2 days rest scenario while listening to all three (though listening to all three is not recommended ZP listening schedule…) would have 6 listening day per 21 day cycle + 3 days rest
the last two listening days being only the two that stays
This listening schedule in comparison give 7 listening days to the two titles that stays, and still 4 to the title to be rotated.
it compensate by giving one more washout day (4 instead of 3)
but it seems more consistent than with two days rest and 3 days washout. it seems like it’d be less roller-coastery lol
Love is one of the most powerful energies of all, because it is the basis, the framework onto which Nature, the external world is built.
Though it’s the Sexual energy that put us in motion indeed, or we would just bask in bliss while Nature would provide, the Garden of Eden, but even then Sexual energies are powered through the framework of Love.
So by cultivating Love from within myself, I can build a solid framework from which self-respect and thus discipline may flow freely, as they are downstream from, and dependent upon, the source of Love.
By meditating on stoicism with GLM, I may cultivate Resilience from external and internal events and circumstances, it will be the barrier that protect the stream of Love.
And through Regen, I will be able to clear the rocks and debris that lay upon the bed of the stream, polluting it.
Hopefully with those three, I’ll be able to make a raging river off of this modest stream, a river able to power the machines of the mind and bring properity to the whole world downstream.
I want to expand on that, since while this is a belief (though I don’t see it as limiting) it is one that came from reflecting upon the world and myself; though I obviously hold neither the key to comprehending the whole of reality, nor even the entirety of all my ever-changing inner structures.
I see Nature as ever giving,
we are born on this Earth with nothing, and leave with nothing,
in the meantime, we are provided food, water, light, heat, everything we need.
and throughout life we give that back, we produce heat, we produce biolight, we pee, we defecate.
What we take in, we use and we give back, until we die and even after, becoming nutrients from which plants feed.
This giving back and forth is not to the detriment to one or the other, but synergetic.
because I eat cherries and spit the seed, a cherry tree might grow there.
so it is not to the detriment of the tree that I eat its fruit.
and similarly it’s neither to my detriment or the bush’s detriment that I pee next to it, giving back water and nutrients, fertilizing the ground.
and, I do see Love similarly as the Sun. giving without expectation and seeing life unfold thanks to these gift.
Not giving anything that I need for my own growth, but rather the natural result of my growth.
The light from the Sun is produced by the heat of the fusion process that grows it and keep it alive, producing ever more complex and heavy atoms in the process.
and I see sexual energies as an expansion of Love into Life,
The excitment, the Lust for Life and physicality that keep us going and growing,
the Lust for power, the Lust for meaning, the Lust for importance, the Lust to grow more Love, the Lust for the pleasures of the flesh.
Though Love express in Nature as mutually beneficial giving, it doesn’t necessarily induce movement.
Trees don’t move much, and neither does the Sun, or the Lands and Continents.
They do move, but not by much relatively to their station, very slowly.
Lust on the opposite brings movement.
Because we Lust for power, we will work on growing it.
Because we Lust for meaning, we will go on a quest to find it.
Because we Lust for importance, we will work toward having more impact on the world.
Because we Lust for the pleasures of the flesh, we will try to seduce others.
Because we Lust for more Love, we will work on seeing it more,
that Love that permeate reality.
But then, don’t we lust for all of these because we love life?
Isn’t it our Love, and our attachment, toward physicality that keep us craving, Lusting, for all of that?
and isn’t the very source of these cravings the ignorance of the abondance of all of these and of all the Love behind, within Life?
and so, to me, Lust(s), sexual energies, are the mechanisms powering the unfolding, the process of realizing our infinite potential into finite physicality, and this sexual mechanism is powered by our very Love for physicality and Life.
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