This post was several days in the making as I had to do some serious reflection.
Alternate Day Fasting Journal: Day 60
And so we’ve arrived on the end of this journey. The end of an 8-month Dragon & Alchemist journey. The end of an extended fast & refeed. And for many across the world, the tail end of the COVID pandemic (I’ll miss you, good buddy).
So the question becomes: what did this journey do for me?
Looking back at my personal journals I really don’t see much. Except maybe a constant craving to be more like you guys and experience great moving epiphanies and changes.
But there’s a few things.
In the health department I have made changes in the foods that I put in my body. Slowly but steadily I’m moving towards more veggies and less meat. More fats and proteins and less carbs.
I did not move as much, but I did the fasting and bought water and air filtration apparatus to improve my environment, I meditate more often, breathe more deliberately, mind my posture more and some other changes which have taken shape over these past months.
On the spiritual side I kind of figured out how the universe works. Mind you, knowing how it works is one thing, applying that knowledge is another. But it shows me direction, a big “X marks the spot” at the center of the Universe. I know now how to focus my practice. Hopefully I will figure out how to use what I know eventually.
This knowledge has given me a sense of peace. It made me realize that if I exist it means I have a purpose, I am important. Not just that, but I’m not some tiny dot in an infinite universe, I may very well be right in the center of it all.
Whether this is true or not doesn’t really matter, like religion it makes me mentally stronger but only slightly possibly delusional. 
Now the big one is Dragon of course. Emotional healing.
For a years now I’ve been searching for past trauma. I am not yet all that I can be, have certain challenges to overcome and have been holding on to the belief that since I have forgotten or suppressed my entire youth, there must be past trauma there which has been holding me back.
So I tried all kinds of things, from hypnosis to psychedelics, to remember, confront and deal with it.
Not so long ago I came to a realization. I realized that I haven’t been following my own advice to people. I have been so consumed with being like other people and wanting to experience the mental and emotional upheaval that other people have, that I may very well have been searching for something that doesn’t actually exist.
What if I don’t actually have any trauma left to deal with? Doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t there, only that it’s not holding me back.
While I lived life on the street I learned to live in the present, to accept things as they are. The good, the bad and the ugly. This attitude of acceptance turned many of even my most nasty experiences into something like watching a movie. The emotional impact, the attachment to it, isn’t there anymore. It’s only a memory which I’m passively observing.
After I found my way off the streets I learned to take full responsibility for everything in my life, to accept that where I am right now is the direct result of all the choices I have made from the moment I was capable of making choices. The girls I didn’t date, the parties I didn’t go to, the degrees I didn’t get, the wealth I don’t have. I could have had all of that simply by making different choices. I understand and I accept.
As a result I can’t very well blame others. I can’t blame my parents for being bad parents. I can’t blame the women in my life for not choosing me, I can’t blame the world for not showing me the opportunities that would have made me bigger than Elon Musk. I certainly have the potential to have it all, I simply chose differently.
To make things worse, I realized that if I blame things on other people all that happens is that I have a constant attachment to them. I’m wasting energy and focus on blaming them. Instead of putting it towards more productive goals.
So I learned to forgive. I forgave all the people that I used to feel wronged me in some way. My mother for being such a bad parent I ended up nearly blind and in the hospital and finally a high school dropout runaway on the streets, all the girls and women I longed for who chose the popular guys instead, the employers who gave job opportunities to people that my intellect could run circles around, and so on.
I forgave them in my mind, genuinely wished them well, and let go of the attachments. I also felt that if I had wronged others in some way, I too would be forgiven, so I stopped trying to be what others wanted me to be and I started coming into myself.
So, I no longer have any negative emotion to my past (or positive ones) even if I don’t remember everything. And I have released attachments to people and places which are not serving any purpose to anyone.
Maybe, I don’t need more emotional healing. Maybe that foundation is solid and my error has been that I haven’t been moving beyond the foundation. That I’ve been holding myself back consciously.
For years I have been teaching people to do what I did, to release, accept, live in the now and move forward. And part of me had forgotten to apply that last one to myself.
Until one or two months ago I suddenly got the realization that I was trying so hard to fix a past that might not need fixing that I was preventing myself from moving forward.
So, I am choosing to now also accept the entirety of my life as-is. I will stop looking for trauma which may not exist at all. And I will focus on moving beyond the foundation, on building up towards the stars.
Are any of these things caused by subliminals? I have no idea. But I see no harm in believing they gave me direction, like a map or a GPS they showed me the way to accomplish these things.
And that, as they say, is all he wrote.
After today’s subs finish, I’ll be taking the rest of the week off. Tomorrow begins a new fast, Saturday the first set of measurements, the baseline for it. And Monday I start a wealth stack and a new journal. At which point I’ll close this one with a link to the next one for those that are still with me.
And if you came all this way with me, know that I am grateful. Thank you for investing your time in reading this journal. May it have given you some insights.
And of course my thanks to SubClub for creating the Dragon. It didn’t take me on an emotional roller coaster, but it has been a loyal companion for the better part of a year, while whispering in my ears just how amazing I am.
If you were here for the fasting experience, maybe you’ll want to stick around for the next one, which I fully expect will be a different experience. It will cover 6 months and may very well include 3 month long extended fasts depending on how they go and where I am mentally and physically.
