Looking to uncover my passion and true identity.
Idk why you are doing ilf neurofeedback…but i am a cptst survivor. Only in the recent months i broke through all my addictions, coping mechanism and the codenpendency. Currently learning to be alone for the first time in my life. And the thing i am discovering…who am I beyond all these programs created in childhood? I feel blank. When all these coping and survival mechanisms are gone…i am nobody. Or atleast it feels like that.
I have no appointments in my calender. Decided to take atleast 2-3 months in mostly solitude to get to know myself. Find my lifes purpose. Decide what inwant to do with my life. It feels now that i learned to self regulate thanks to ILF, i am someone completley different.
And this is what i want to do. But I dont want to go so hard on introspection. I am allready very inteospective and dont want to lose myself inside of me…i have thatbtendency to do that. And allready runnign lovebomb and khan black in conjunction.
Its not that I feel cold. I simply feel nothing in my body. I want my body to feel good. I take some selenium everyday. Thank you for that idea. Also it feels like that my fat metabolism isnt really working. That my body cannot really rpoduce energy from fat. I hope that fatburn will help there.
Only in the last months i am not running of addrenal energy and stress anymore. Body needs to learn to create energy in a different way.
Same diagnosis for me, been focusing on T3 - T4 for stabilization and P3-P4 for body homeostasis/nervous system regulation.
If you’re already good on introspection then I wouldn’t bother with evolving Identity or subconscious mastery. I’d look at the authenticity modules like Art of Trust or Living Truth to help bring the real you out. I want to use those as well but this custom is step one for me, figure stuff out then focus on the authenticity as right now im a little lost within myself and want to dig up/excavate everything I can because I feel so disorganized inside. Way of Understanding is quite interesting as well because it helps us understand others and ourselves which for dysregulated ppl is important.
I have been doing a lot of T4-P4 and recently also T3-T4. Starting to get into SMR aswell. When you feel ready and stable give gamma synchrony on F3-F4 a try. But this is serious shit.
The recon spike was really high Sunday, making that post actually helped bring recon down somewhat. Today, I woke up 4 hours earlier than usual and im already tired however I did actually exercise tonight which I haven’t really done properly in weeks. Seems like after Emperor the drive faded.
I went to go to my back door and check on my garden when I smelled death, I looked around and found in a container…a dead bat. I didnt know we had bats in MI. Immediately my mind thought " What is the meaning of finding a dead bat" so I googled it…
First site I opened started with …Seen a Dead Bat Recently? Here’s the Spiritual Meaning! You are on a path of transformation and rebirth…
"Encountering a deceased bat may carry significant spiritual meaning… and not necessarily a negative omen. For example, you may be approaching the culmination of a certain difficult stage of your life and undergoing a period of major transition. This belief stems from the fact that bats undergo incredibly transformative physiological changes, particularly during hibernation and migration.
Since bats are seen as creatures of the night, they symbolise rebirth and renewal amidst the darkness. From a spiritual perspective, a dead bat may indicate that you are being shown how bright the light is at the end of the tunnel. Seeing a dead bat in an unusual place may also signify the need to let go and welcome change, while remaining cautious about life choices that no longer align with your higher purpose. A sighting of this kind may also symbolise the release of old beliefs, behaviours, or relationships that no longer serve you."
Sounds very Rom/Ros + Hero ish if you ask me. This is something that never happens to me so im inclined to take this experience seriously. Very interesting to say the least.
I stopped at the store on the way to work and I caught about 3 ppl long staring at me as if I was magnetic and they couldn’t help be drawn to me. There’s no aura in Rom & Ros right? I listened to 15 seconds of Hero…could that be working already? Between the calm, stoic certainty im feeling tonight and the subtle exercise motivation it could very well be. Impressive
The less compromises you have to make in life, the happier you will be.
I reflect back and the times when I was the most stressed or most unhappy was when I had given in to something for another’s benefit. When I let myself down for the external good, compromised.
Hero Origins is an interesting title. Just 15 seconds 4 days ago and Im super calm, composed and quiet. Masculine presence is better, slight exercise motivation returning and even tonight my supervisor walks over to me while making one of those chest puffed out, muscle poses saying “Hey Geoff” with a half smile. I realize it was just a friendly thing but thats never happened before. He asked me to operate in another area tonight.
Is this one of those subconscious reactions to the “natural alpha” aura SaintSovereign talked about in the Hero Origins thread? Could be
I also noticed another coworker yesterday come over and basically ask me about his behavior. He had called out a seemingly dumb thing about a volunteer training opportunity in the meeting and afterwards felt like he should have just shut up and not mentioned anything. He hardly talks to me, we aren’t close at all. Seems like the same affect, ppl are recognizing some kind of authority within me? Or whatever it is.
This past week I felt a lot of peace, stillness inside. Only negative I’d say is the tiredness, Ill sleep 8 or 9 hours and still be tired and not feel rested. Who knows what the cause of it is.
I really enjoy how old memories come up but dont viscerally affect me like they did before. My internal state is more calm and tranquil, the past comes up in a balanced way. I’ll analyze stuff, come to conclusions and the memory fades. It is no longer triggering or causing discomfort like before.
I dont feel like rushing anymore either. I have plenty to accomplish but whatever anxiety about life, the world ect is no longer driving me. Things just seem to fall into place and I make time for what is needed. Things feel seamless in a way and hope it continues. Just all around more peace lately.
Im in that space, in-between. That place where it feels as if nothing is happening. Its been like this for days. I dont feel overloaded. Im walking in the mist, where nothing is clear but im unburdened by typical things.
Last night I bought myself some snacks, a cheat meal if you will. The first in a long time. When I was on Emp/LB no fap was like 6 weeks without effort, now its once every two weeks almost like clockwork. Ive been in a vacuum, detached in a strong way. Im not sure how I feel about it, if its a positive benefit or a hindrance.
When im out in public, Im getting strong looks from women which I really do not expect nor understand. I do feel strongly detached so maybe thats attractive? Idk. Ive seen guys at work give me looks of concern or curiosity like they dont know what to make of me or maybe my detached vibe makes me look weird. Still trying to figure it all out.
I am making better decisions. Weighing choices more thoroughly, accepting reality of situations easier. Internal resistance clashing with imperfect reality is reducing, yes acceptance is increasing. I get the feeling that Im upgrading to a higher level and with the coming understanding or knowing, there’s less need for reaction/resistance.
A lot and I mean a lot of things that seemed important to me weeks ago hardly register now. Its like a Spiritual Nonchalance - a complete change in attachment and perception going on internally. This sounds cheesy but I feel like a flower waiting to bloom, on the precipice of expansion.
Tranquility without clarity, that sums up my situation right now. I think the pmo and cheat meal last night was me trying to ground myself. Is it weird that life in general seems much less important now, by life I guess I mean the busyness of existence. I went from a busy human doer to a human being. I feel incredibly neutral, incredibly still, uninterested and detached. The bullshit is falling off and what’s left is just observation.
I dont have the full picture yet, it’ll be awhile…let it all unfold.
I’ve had a headache since I woke up last night. That’ll teach me as far as cheat meals go, eating processed food on a strict and clean diet throws me off. Its funny, ive been questioning the ‘morality’ of my choices lately. Ive been trying to find the honor in my actions. My thoughts today have been all about the damage ive dealt in life. Normally the past comes up and its about shameful actions ive taken, cringy moments or hurt done to me however tonight I seem to be facing my own evil.
There’s a big clash within me on if im even capable of the honest integrity and righteousness that Hero Origins talks about. Im battling with the part of me that says you could never be righteous, just look at all you’ve done. It isnt surprising to me as I used to hate myself before listening to Love Bomb. I dont want the darkness in me to have rule, ive been slowly overcoming it and while im in this body, darkness is an aspect I can’t remove so ill have to integrate and use for good.
Ive been observing myself. Sitting with uncertainty and curiosity. I think about action and reaction, cause and effect. Is it always justified. The ‘hurt ppl, hurt ppl’ thing. How i let the world dim my light then I ended up dimming others. Was my behavior justified because it happened to me? I’d say not. It was weakness and ignorance.
I’d definitely like to reach a righteousness that I somehow earn. To return to the innocent light within and rebuild into something, someone better.
Man, The reconciliation on this stack is subtle compared to other titles. Everything is getting on my nerves. Im frustrated and aggravated yet completely calm and passive on the outside. My internal thoughts keep hovering around the same few phrases such as “For fucks sake”, “Are you kidding me”, “Im so fed up with this shit”, “How fuckin pointless is this/that” and “I dont understand the point of xyz”
According to my neurofeedback therapist, yesterday at my session she commented that I seem depressed. I was unaware of myself to the point that I disagreed, citing I feel absolutely no sadness. I guess you can be depressed without sadness? It seems like this processing is taking me backwards, like unwinding or unraveling something. Im feeling major Angst
“a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.”
Not existential, just regular Ol’ Angst. Im struggling with the state of feeling Over it all/Fed up and its quite strong. The amount of effort required to care about anything beyond the bare minimum to get by is ridiculous. Im acting quite dismissive towards common things, I just can’t seem to validate the importance of things lately. Im not sure why. I do know that I struggled with this state years ago which makes me thinks this is some kind of retracing of the past or a “Feel it to heal it” journey.
The Revelation Series really is no joke. I’ll admit my perception of how this stack was going to go, how I was going to guide the experience is not even close to how the scripting has been affecting me. This is like a Spiritual Acid trip, you just have to let go and ride it out. I dont have any clarity about what im currently in other than I honestly can’t stand my existence, Im pissed that im here. How do you reconcile that? But thats the visceral vibe I have. Im beyond frustrated and it is what it is.
This definitely feels like the past, the introspection modules and intuition/perception modules seem to intensify what Rom/Ros do and im just all in like wow.
Love Bomb was on my mind last night. I kept getting reminder thoughts about how Self image is everything and self love is the base. I felt strongly that I should be listening to it but with recon, you never know so I am going to hold steady. There was a lot of introspection though, about my past self and now. How much more self love I still need and my issue with connection to others and how that part of me being damaged long ago and led me to such an unfulfilled state in life now while I continue to unconsciously box myself into disconnection in spite of positive interactions. The idea of not fitting in being carried too far and held up as the ultimate truth in order to protect the child me all those years ago and yet not overcoming it due to insurmountable fear still ruling over me as the superior coping mechanism meant to keep me safe even at my own expense.
I made this Revelation’s based custom to go deep and well I am not disappointed, I have faith that after 1 year of this custom, some deep changes will occur and I might be better for it. After all isnt that the point of why we endure suffering.
Not a therapist and can only comment from the perspective of what I experienced and what I’ve seen others say – hopefully this is useful: I suspect that this is the “detachment” process kicking in. As you work through the issues you mention later in your post, you’ll start shifting from external validation toward authentic internal validation:
The detachment process can feel painful (I actually mentioned this about my RoW experience), but later turns into a wellspring of just… enjoying life in a peaceful, simplistic, moral manner. I began to realize just how deep a need for validation can hide, subtly affecting actions and bringing you out of alignment. This soon turned into a deep sense of internal freedom and my creativity skyrocketed. And the way through for me (and what I’ve seen others report) is exactly what you’re already doing – that deep introspection, being honest with yourself and externalizing those conscious revelations.
Consider the fact that the word “revelation” actually means “unveiling,” and was designed to help you slowly “unveil” your inner issues keeping you from achieving your spiritual goals (with RoS), mental and cognitive goals (with RoM), etc. And that does appear (from my humble perspective) to be occurring.
That being said, I do have a question that you can answer on the “Fire vs. Saint Round 4” thread so others don’t bombard your journal, but I recently had a deeply inspired creative moment and began working on the RoS upgrade. Many people have reported loving this effect:
But, if I made RoS using the “skills-based” format that the other titles are being developed with, it MAY (I don’t know for sure) lose this quality and become more focused. It will, of course, maintain it’s universality and focus on the inner experience, but would express differently.
The need for validation can look weak on the surface, you think you’ve overcome it but the truth is that its embedded deeply in one’s foundation and going down to the root takes more time and effort than one thinks. This is what im finding out currently.
The intensity takes days to fade into what I’d call normal processing, today is the first day since my last loop where I feel a little more grounded. The sheer obviousness hit me in the face earlier that connection and authenticity are basically inverted within me.
I have such a big fear towards connection that I end up rejecting myself on behalf of others in order to preemptively stop them from doing so to me. Just because I was unwanted or relegated as an outsider in youth meant (all this time) that I was to always reject inclusion and invitation so I wouldn’t feel that pain from long ago again. How Ironic is the very thing you fear happening becomes the very space you end up living in your whole life. Never opening up, sharing or letting myself ‘be’, always doing…trying to provide a reason for proving my very existence. Looking for whoever was around to basically justify me existing as if I wasn’t enough as I was.
Ive been unconsciously living out a sort of covert effort to gain outside approval or permission to exist. The validation from the external that “Yeah, you’re okay to be here with us”
The damage done in youth is mind boggling. I disconnect to avoid the very thing we need as humans, connection. I cover myself with indifference or apathy to hide my fear of authenticity because of course if I express myself fully then I’ll be rejected outright…just like in childhood!
I read about Khan and how the “IDGAF” is so strong and those that run it have seemingly effortless expressions of authenticity in the face of social pressure and rejection. I read those comments and wonder if thats actually possible for me. I’ve been working towards that type of self assuredness and absolute internal frame control but through titles like Love Bomb, Rom/Ros and Hero Origins, but will those take me to the same place albeit a different path?
This recovery of the injured self is a long, deep process and the realizations continue to surface. Taking action to correct the misalignment is paramount.
Yesterday at work, A coworker approached me and asked if I was interested in fantasy…I lol’d because I had no idea what he was talking about. He has 11/12 people on his team for Fantasy Football using the ESPN Fantasy app. He asked if I wanted to buy in for $50.
Now, my first thought was “Im probably his last option and just needs someone’s $50 to complete the pot, this isnt about me as a person at all, he just needs a twelfth and if he had one he wouldnt have even asked me”
This stems from childhood, frame the invite or offer from the standpoint that im already bad and he doesnt want me in the group if there was anyone else…
So what did I do? I took his # and said gimme a few to download the app and look at what its all about. So an hour later I texted him I’d do it. Granted I do not follow any sports. I could not care less about any of it, Sports are the farthest thing from my mind at all times. So why did I join? Im assuming connection.
Is it better to disconnect and remain quiet and aloof at work, separate from the group? Or is it more beneficial to compromise and try to include myself in something even if my eyes and ears will glaze over listening to a group of guys talk sports? It has to be better than remaining in my comfort zone of isolation out of fear.
To be honest, Im already regretting the decision as I have literally no interest in picking draft players or following anything. I have no interest in talking about sports either and seems I basically just offered to donate $50 to feel included in something. I guess you have to start somewhere and its more important to me to do this than turn into a hermit.
On another note, I read that Rom has the visualization scripting from Minds Eye - Well after writing a response to SaintSovereign’s post, I realized that when an idea comes to me I am now automatically visualizing a scenario in my mind. When I talked about ‘Swimming in the pool of universal consciousness daily’ I could see myself swimming in the pool of pure consciousness. I can visualize the depth of digging into my own mind. When I talk about unraveling past experiences - My mind shows me vivid pictures of exactly that. I can almost create a sort of 30 second youtube short version of a movie in my mind of some thing happening in my mind. If I start analyzing a thought or reminiscing about a memory, a whole picture is built and portrayed along with the thought.
Im not sure if this is typical for others but for me, the stream of consciousness has always been a line of thinking, a mentally verbal monologue following a path. Sure ive had images or pictured things before but not like this. Its as if Rom has doubled my capacity for thought. Thoughts and pictures synergize instead of just having a train of thoughts compounding into a conclusion. It feels way more immersive now to think, pretty cool.
@SaintSovereign I wanted to ask you, does Rom or Ros have anything Aura related? Any kind of Etheral Presence like effect?
Im only at 30 seconds of Hero Origins and it could just be HeO but the looks I get from people while out are honestly hard to interpret. They look at me as if I exude some kind of prominence but also a look of bewilderment as if they dont quite understand what they are seeing when they look at me. Its basically a sort of confused amazement?
I woke up abruptly about 4.5 hrs earlier than normal. I dont have any dream recollection but I get this sense that I was dealing with some kind of torture. I feel this ball/knot of frustration in my chest, a surging tight feeling of being fed up and a need to escape or break through. I guess there is something stuck within me thats causing a lot of grief/pressure and it waxes and wanes to where some days I feel ridiculous inner strain and other times resigned numbness.
Deep sense of stress, what is hiding beneath, causing so much inner turmoil.
Edit: Tonight - Why do I feel like a beaten dog. I really dont get it. Internal exhaustion, and incredible amount of inner irritation. I have to be vigilant not to snap or take out this ‘stress’ on others. Feels like im trying to hold together a dam thats keeping the raging waters at bay. Too much pressure, too much stress and frustration. I can’t seem to do anything but just be quiet, no relief.
Increased impulsivity over the weekend. Searching for grounding or relief, the pressure/frustrated reduced but definitely feeling unsettled internally still. This is expected as usual.
Ive noticed an increase in indecision, having a more challenging time making the ‘right choice’ and sticking by it. Just uncertainty I guess.
A coworker from my shift who moved to 1st a few months ago swung by my work area this morning to catch up. The first words out of his mouth were "Whats up little guy"…
Now he’s the same height as me give or take an inch but weighs more than I do. There was no indication of ill intention or malice in his voice. The comment in and of itself in this context in my opinion is disrespectful. While internally the moment I was unphased and indifferent about it, it was definitely unexpected. I have no had any comments, remarks, jabs or attacks since starting this job last January. This would have never occurred on Emperor/Love Bomb. I consider him a coworker in good standing. We shot the shit and I left, no issues.
I honestly dont feel much of anything due to the level of detachment Im feeling on this stack but I am quite curious as to why this occurred. SaintSovereign hasn’t answered my question about Rom/Ros aura yet so Im going to assume Hero Origins Alpha vibe is a part of this? It didnt seem like an attack but maybe it was, passive and wrapped in humor?
Aside from that interesting event Ive had mild brain fog since yesterday’s loops. The detachment scripting has me struggling to take interest in anything, I handle my responsibilities with the enthusiasm of a zombie 🧟♂️ and everything else just doesnt exist. I feel like a computer on standby mode. I find myself unintentionally and automatically going inside myself and hanging out, like im meditating but its nothing purposeful or consciously willed. Im either frustrated or numb/indifferent these days. Its like ive been disconnected or unhooked from everything and just left with myself to figure out myself, where nothing else really matters.
There is a line between detachment and pointlessness that I flirt with. Pointlessness from a standpoint of meaning. The level of meaning whether its meaningful in the moment or stands for a long time. I wonder how many truly meaningful actions ive taken in my life opposed to all the vapid and vain actions I take everyday, even when I mean to do the opposite.
Tossed and turned during sleep, as I was waking up I realized mushashi was on my mind and was almost reciting something about him. First time I ever recognized subliminal influence upon waking. I guess Hero Origins is working as intended.
It has an aura similar to Love Bomb. An aura of peace and relaxation. HERO’s aura is one of embodied mastery. They can sense that you hold intentions to become an absolute expert / master of something. They can also sense the virtue scripting and your desire to hold high virtue. Both of these auras are magnetic, calming, stabilizing.
Interesting. I also ran a loop of RoS some days ago and in the shopping mall a shop servant touched me on the shoulder when we finished talking. Super triggering for me as I am currently in a phase where I start to honour my bondaries and dont want bodily contact with anyone.
Went back to the shop after 2 minutes to confront him.
Maybe RoS has some healing scripting in it. Simply being able to put up boundaries.
Edit:
And can you elaborate on that detachment? I start to encounter tongo to a place thats feels like the origin place of my reality of everthing that happens. And everything in this material world is simplx a ripples and waves on this still puddle of water. For noe onlx having glimpses. It feels peaceful. Quiet. Wonderful. Is that this detachment that you experience more and more?
