Geoff's Journal - Reflections of a Hero

[Geoff]

The level of self care seems to be increasing. I am, for some reason starting to pay more attention to my outfits. Even though im just going to work, im more concerned with color matching and more facial grooming. It seems that the reason behind this extra effort is simply because it seems/feels like the right and correct thing for me to do.

On the flipside, I end up feeling quite annoyed at the thought of dealing with everyday problems. Its as if im missing resilience, like I had with Emperor last stack. The thought of having to adjust my headlights due to uneven beams just really annoys the hell out of me. Knowing I have to replace the front struts on the main car and get an alignment and a wheel bearing on the backup car just pisses me off because I dont want to waste my time with that stuff. Normally this would just normal life stuff that I’d incorporate into my budget and time schedule but since this stack, everything I have to do just gets on my nerves. Is this simply because of strong reconciliation/processing leaving me just tired and overwhelmed and not wanting to be bothered? Or is the detachment reaching a level of apathy where im struggling not to say fuck it all? I get these strong urges to go sit in solitude and let my mind go off and do what it needs to do. Its like im bothered by how much I need to participate in reality and just dont want to. In a way, its as if im tired of playing human. I’d rather do something else now

I wake up from sleep thinking zi had no dreams only for me, hours later to be thinking deeply about a situation that I thought was a memory only to realize it never happened, I was remembering or analyzing part of a dream scenario. Never experienced that before.

My mind is on fire most days, meaning its overclocked and speeding through information like never before. Sometimes, in moments I feel like Scarlett Johansson in the movie Lucy. As ive said before, the level of expansion I experience daily is wild and hard to handle.

[Geoff]

Woke up to a bunch of texts about work, how previous shift made scrap and apparently everything I machined is bad too. Apparently in 8 hours even while looking at the parts I couldn’t see/mentally register that the drill broke and there were no holes in 101 parts.

Talk about no attention to detail, unable to perceive correctly. I thought I was having a decent day yesterday but apparently not. Im supposed to run another loop tomorrow morning after 5 days but this is becoming a problem. Im so in my own head and full of brain fog that its affecting my ability to work correctly.

Idk if I should put Hero on pause, listen once a week, redo custom, cut back from 1.5 mins to less, all of the above or just stop everything. Pretty disappointed with myself at this point, im better than this.

[Geoff]

Yep…definitely got in trouble this morning, not in a good spot. Ive never experienced what happened yesterday, where I literally did not register what I was looking at. It’s was as if I was blind in some kind of way. How did I work for 8 hours and not recognize any issues? Im beyond confused and concerned enough that Im stopping my stack and washing out until my brain starts operating in the correct way again. I cannot make another mistake for 6 months if I want to stay employed. I cant run dense titles nor listen to deep healing or Spirituality titles. Maybe when im retired or not working a job where focus, presence and attention to details are crucial. As much as I like it, I deleted my Rom/Ros custom to remove any temptation. Pretty disappointed in myself

Even last night I found it challenging to stay vigilant, mentally reminding myself to check over everything. My attention and focus seem to get sucked into a black hole of introspection and I tune out effortlessly. Ive had brain fog, pressure, head sensations and slight aches in forehead all night. I must be still overwhelmed after 5 days. So I have to stop, did I really over expose listening to 1 minute and 30 seconds? Is this stack stirring up profound changes to where im having difficulty functioning correctly at work? Is it that powerful?

Maybe I am just retarded, who knows.

I think Rom/Ros are amazing, they hit hard for me. I probably need them more than I know but its glaringly obvious that I cannot handle them right now, and Hero just added to the density. Im not blaming the subs, only my self.

---

EDIT: I thought about quitting everything and just listening to Spartan for the next 6 months until my write ups expire at work, then re-attempt.
Ive thought about the recon this stack creates within me and even with it, Im angry that I want to quit. For some effed up reason my mind doesn’t want to quit. It does not seem like the right thing to do. I feel like if I give up then ill be a failure, just like all the times in my past when I quit things. But does this mean I actually want what I started or am I just trying to avoid feeling like a failure/quitter.

What if I continue and in a few weeks screw up again and lose my job because im in such an introspective fog? What would I do then.

I feel so beaten down lately. I never ran Khan but I feel like im experiencing a Spiritual version of total breakdown, its rough. Nothing feels right or okay lately. I feel like im carrying a lot of pain. Last night I felt overwhelmingly alone I mean I live alone and its nothing new but the impact of its deep realization was chilling.

How does one cope with such a deep, deep dissatisfaction with one’s own existence.

[Chase]

I completely got the part of unable to perceive correctly and not register what was looked at as if blind. While the origin of causes may be different for us, the challenges, frustrations and overwhelmment we share. I see you brother.

[Haru]

Have you thought about doing really short microloops? From the little I have experienced myself since starting with SC titles roughly 1.5 months ago, I did notice that one and a half minute can be too much. Have a look at what @Victor is doing. 30 second loops are doing plenty for me, and even less than 10 seconds for him.

Doing a washout to get back to baseline ‘normality’ is the right call. But you don’t have to throw in the metaphorical towel with your stack yet. How does the saying go? The night is darkest just before dawn.

Edit: After reading through your thread, I see you have started out with short loops. I still think there would be merit in trying even shorter loops and staying at that level for a while.

[Geoff]

Sun

Reflections - 1 min

Hero Origins - 1 min

After 7 rest days, a lot of recon, a bunch of Journaling and others comments I decided to try another listening day. I kept Hero at 1 min but dropped Reflections from 1:30 down to 1 min, so we’ll see what happens. This cycle ends in 8 days, just enough time for one more listening day if things go well. If not, ill just stop the stack. I already feel fullness and random sensations in my head.

Earlier, after spending most of the day struggling with sadness and a strong state of not wanting to exist, something clicked or switched and a kind of numb neutrality took over as my dominant state of being.

All week I have been struggling to care. Drive, enthusiasm, engagement all took a dive. Things definitely went from detached to apathetic. I feel like the walking dead, just going through the motions most days. I have a real hard time seeing the point in things, im way too dismissive, breaking things down in my mind until everything looks ridiculous and easy to dismiss. Why do I do this almost automatically? Its not helpful or healthy and most likely leads to misery. I wonder if Ros will help me find again, that Spark of Life I lost in High School.

Goals for this week -

Not make any mistakes at work
Not experience any brain fog
Try to engage in life instead of feeling dead inside
Stop speeding on the way home(saving literally 3 mins isnt worth a ticket)
Not spend any extra $, things are tight since work canceled all overtime
Cultivate gratitude consciously everyday this week, especially for my job to help avoid checking/spacing out
Use my Sun Lamp everyday incase my Vit D is low contributing to a depressive state

[Geoff]

“The journey of healing and growth is a deeply personal one, and the RoS scripting is designed to support you every step of the way. By cultivating a sense of mercy, compassion, and kindness towards yourself, you can begin to release the negative emotions and limiting beliefs that may be holding you back, allowing you to move forward with a renewed sense of purpose and self-love. As you continue to work with the RoS scripting, you may find that you are able to approach challenges and obstacles with greater resilience and inner strength, knowing that you have the tools and resources to overcome them. Whether you are seeking to heal from past traumas, release negative patterns of behavior, or simply deepen your spiritual practice, RoS can help you tap into your inner wisdom and power, unlocking your full potential as a spiritual being.”

After saturday night when the inner despair seemed to simply disappear I was skeptical but now that its been awhile since Im starting to think I was dealing with a major internal block that was resolved. It would explain why I was feeling tortured for 2 weeks and couldn’t focus on work ect.

My mood or state has been neutral since. I also had neurofeedback this morning and was hooked up to a new site which my brain had a positive response to. I cant say for sure as im not at work yet but I do feel like there’s an improvement in clarity at least.

So far Im sticking to my weekly goals mostly, caught myself speeding home at times but adjusted back down. Its so easy to be impatient but im working on it. I do notice an increase in softness towards myself. The inner worlds criticism has quieted and reminding myself of gratitude often really does help. I started to feel back to my routine tonight, used Sun lamp, did some squats and a few exercises yesterday. Deep healing can be exhausting and its scary to see how easy it is to sabotage yourself based on negative beliefs or false narratives lingering in one’s mind. Its way too easy to fall off track.

[Geoff]

My sense of smell has increased. I noticed it yesterday and again tonight, Im much more discernible between smells and my sense of smell seems stronger. Is this Hero or Rom?

Nvm, I guess its Rom -

“RoM also includes scripting to greatly enhance the senses, reflexes and intuition to assist with your exploration with of life, as well as scripting designed to provide a strong sense of inner peace and balance.”

I also thought, in the previous post above that the reconciliation of that inner disturbance of existence was Ros but it appears Rom might be leading the way in healing -

“You will be able to monitor and analyze individual thoughts and mental processes to understand your deepest desires and needs, as well as what truly causes you pain and frustration. From there, you can then adapt your life to maximize upon this new wisdom. In many instances, you may experience “spontaneous healing,” in which issues from the past no longer seem to have a negative effect on you.”

Pretty much exactly what happened this past weekend. I am truly impressed. SaintSovereign is the real deal and deadly effective with the pen

[Geoff]

Im feeling lowkey joy tonight and a physical ‘lightness’ that is new.

Ive been really focusing of feeling gratitude the past two days, staying centered on what all is with me. It definitely helps maintain the proper mindset.

One thing is bothering me though. The way people seem to behave around me. They are cordial and communicative but I cant help but feel this desire in others to get away from me. Its as if being around me feels uncomfortable for them. What is that about?

I can relate to it in a way as in my past when I had zero self esteem, I would be looking for the first opportunity to leave an interaction for the others benefit because I didnt want to take up their time. I was not in a good frame back then. Is this maybe similar for others? But its more than a few ppl ive noticed.

I feel truly neutral, peaceful inside and maybe thats scary for others who feel chaotic inside themselves? I dont get any bad vibes, nothing to indicate upset, boredom or disgust. Just a pure urge to disengage, its weird and kind of annoying. The conversations went from mutual to low-key unwanted. Disinterested with a smile you could say. Am I off-putting? I honestly feel my state the past 48 hours has been peaceful positivity + nonchalant. Im not sure what this is but I like Love Bombs effect on others the best, much more warm and inviting.

[Geoff]

Thurs

Hero Origins - 1:30

Reflections - 1:30

Still going hard on my weekly goals, consistent. Mindset has been steady so I decided to add some time to my loops. Ive been a little preoccupied with seeking balance, or moderation. My focus has been on trying to stay in peace, both in actions and in the mind. I was always neurotic, quick to react, overcompensating, overexplaining and overreacting as a youth. Now I find myself drawn to silence, stillness and peace. I really enjoy this nonreactive vibe Ive been experiencing.

[Geoff]

"The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort."

-Confucius

I find it unsurprising that this quote manifested for me tonight only after I ended up buying a ‘vending machine’ cinnamon bun and small coffee. Its as if the scripting over activated to grab my attention because of my huge failure. I dont really consume caffiene/coffee and I dont eat junk food much at all. I wasnt feeling much typical recon but looking at my actions tonight tells me my brain is tired from processing as it sought out sugar and stimulation.

Let this be a lesson for next time - be stronger, be better. Im worth it

[Geoff]

Mon

End of Cycle 2/Washout

Reflections - 1:30

Hero Origins - 1:30

This past week has been alright, good mood, centered just all around decent days. The only issue was aches in my head that were subtle but consistent, so I had neurofeedback this morning and unfortunately I feel less good and the aches are worse, go figure.

Subwise I didnt notice much overt results. Ive been very self contained, meaning Im feeling complete within myself, there’s this sense of wholeness and that i find no urge to reach out to others or interact. Peaceful and still which I really like, no anxiety or concern.

[Geoff]

Wanting to be better is getting stronger on this stack. At work Im more thoughtful, dedicated and have an increased desire to do things right(moreso than before) its as if my conscience has leveled up through Hero Origins and I feel much more responsibility for my behavior and actions.

I find myself walking and talking in a ‘masterful way’ internally I feel at ease almost tranquil, like a calm pool of water. My mind just seems to have lost all its worry and anxiety - replaced with a confident nonchalance where I just seem to idle in peace until action is required, then I move. The complaining I used to entertain in my mind over this or that is…just gone.

Maturity, its an evolution of maturity thats unfolding within me. Reflections bring major wisdom development paired with Hero’s mastery and morality, im on the perfect path, the ultimate path. The results I believe im getting are so subtle and difficult for me to notice. I have to read the sub sales pages to trigger my mind to recognize possible results. When Bruce Lee says ‘be like water’ thats how I feel lately. Adaptable, fluid and powerful.

I dont really get shit tested and I dont get out much but when im interacting socially or in a group at work, there are zero remarks, jokes, quips ect. I think people hold me in high esteem based on the Aura and again my behavior has this aire of ‘proper’ to it. Even at stores I frequent weekly no one teases me or makes backhanded compliments. I had a few even on Emp/LB but not this stack. Feels like this stack commands respect. A few ppl in my life Ive noticed complaining, nagging, venting all stop as well. Feels like a natural filter.

From Hero - Yup

“This is complemented by our robust scripting designed to amplify your natural leadership and heroic traits, allowing you to command respect and admiration from those around you. But it’s important to note that this isn’t aimed at making you a celebrity. The emphasis here is on authentic internal development, rather than external recognition.”

Lately its just that I exist and I do what must be done and thats all it really is. Nothing extra. I dont feel needy, I dont feel the need to talk, explain myself or reach out. Life is starting to feel like an experience rather than an agenda Im trying to execute which was the old me.

[Geoff]

Today I turn 41 and Im now in the 9 personal year, which is about endings, completion and reflection hence why I named my custom Reflections.

During this washout Ive noticed a lot of comparison to who I am now vs the past but without guilt for once, its more observational with this sense of wisdom. I try to think back and ask myself how I would behave in situations in the past if I knew what I do now. I feel like I want to rewrite my past and the reminiscing has been more therapeutic than usual.

Ive been peaceful and joyful whenever interacting. When im alone I feel mostly detached. The urge to talk, share or even post here has diminished. The level of self-containment is strong. I get this sense of feeling like a rock, grounded and unmovable in body but mentally im too airy, too much in the head. Im sure its just a consequence of Rom & Ros being so mentally stimulating.

I need all the wisdom, peace and clarity I can get. Life’s been tough as Im sure it is for everyone. There’s more lies than ever before, more struggles than ever before and more selfishness than ever before. I feel this stack is really helping me navigate the world is a much stronger way. I offered to help a guy with his truck the other day when I stopped for groceries, it was interesting because it felt almost automatic and effortless. Normally im cautious and overthink things out of security awareness but I just went for it. Ive been holding a lot of kindness for others inside and its most likely from Ros - where it talks about realizing we are all connected, Ive been experiencing that scripting regarding connectedness and I thought I wouldn’t like it at first but I realize its just understanding and that we are called to love one another and my resistance to it was/is just traumatic experiences blocking the way.

The healing on Rom/Ros is gentle, like a breeze whispering truth, you cant help but feel it and accept it just like the wind. Everyday I feel a little more ‘okay’ and in the inner child kind of ‘okay’ not some mask or presupposition. Its a deep process and Im cultivating more and more freedom. The detachment is really helpful. I used to write in other past stacks how I wanted to disconnect from worldliness and be IN the world but not OF it and well I can say Rom/Ros is giving me that. Its a lot easier to navigate my daily existence lately without the attachment/s I used to struggle with.

One of my biggest goals is to separate, detach and disconnect from the world as much of possible and still sustain myself. You cant see the forest through the trees, Reflections is giving me that looking in from the outside perspective and I really like it. To see the truth, you have to remove yourself from the lie.

[Geoff]

Normally, on my Bdays in times past I would feel sad, empty or alone. I struggled with the urge to fill a void or look outside myself for validation, confirmation, comfort or connection as all human beings would. But not this time, something was/is different. I felt fully contained, carried by my own light. My best friend since high school never reached out even though I wished him well on his bday not a week earlier. I feel disrespected and though I forgive him, I wont forget it. I dont feel overly attached or wronged but accepting of the reality and adjusting myself accordingly as Im not as valued as it appeared I was.

The point though is that yesterday I did not feel sad, lost, lonely or any other low vibrational state. I would say it was peaceful indifference. There’s a lot of growth happening. Self sufficiency, resilience, solitude has always been easy for me but lately its becoming really empowering and I look forward to it even more. Most days Im in a bubble of peaceful solitude and I cant express clearly enough the benefit of it. The massive influence from the world, the constant fear being pushed, the level of selfishness in people is enough to make one go live in the mountains lol. I see less and less value everytime I leave my house and its getting so easy to not feel like im missing out.

Im disconnecting from the mundane and reconnecting to what I lost, God, Truth, Peace and Love and its more fulfilling than whatever the ‘world’ can give. As I continue with this stack I feel more and more interested in virtues, character, morality and the Soul of a being. The intangible stuff, the things that really matter cannot be bought, only cultivated and shared. As disgusted as I am with the world and our culture I cant help but feel a deep compassion for those that are lost as I was lost in my youth and if I had only had a guide, a light in the darkness then my life would have been better. I dont really regret my experiences in the cringy way I used to, I realize it was necessary to teach me whatever I need in order to elevate and evolve and possibly be a positive guide for others. I seem to be more aware of others pain, Ive always been intuitive but its deeper lately. I tend to see more clearly, others hang ups and find myself auto calibrating in ways that make interactions easier for them. The way I speak, the level of positive energy I project, how I broach subjects, how much information I share is all much more filtered based on how I perceive they can accept or give in the exchange. I remember when my metaphorical “cup was full” I had low patience and tolerance in that I almost couldn’t listen to other people talk to me, it would be overwhelming. So that being an example, Im more cognizant of other people’s states but also empathetic to it instead of just ignoring it and saying whatever.

Im walking a funny line between compassionate caring and peaceful indifference. I dont seem to seek outside myself much anymore yet if someone enters my zone and interacts, this positivity and welcoming compassion expresses itself as if only to signal gratitude for the opportunity to engage with a fellow soul. This might sound weird but I feel im operating or existing from a Soul level instead of a human flesh level, its a sense of Spiritual maturity and instead of leading/living with the body, Im doing so with the Soul, which is ‘me’ so authenticity must be growing and blooming in beautiful ways.

[Geoff]

Cycle 3

Weds

Reflections - 1:45

Hero Origins - 1:45

Good washout, nice bloom and im ready for more. Ive been running into increasing problems this week, a lot of untrustworthy people Ive been running into. Trying to find an honest auto repair place is becoming extremely difficult as I need an alignment on my car. Thankfully my 6th sense/gut check has been supercharged by Hero Origins and im able to discern others motives. Ive been noticing behavior and body language and how people talk but wont look me in my eyes ect.

Even with the increasing stress I seem to be handling it alright, not feeling as peaceful as last week but its all relative to the situation. I notice that as stress rises I seem to lose motivation to act and this sense of avoidant indifference starts to creep in but ive been trying to be proactive and not letting myself allow things to get worse. The goal this week is just to sustain momentum, solve the problems occurring and continue living in integrity.

[Geoff]

“No man can walk out on his own story”

-Rango

[Geoff]

This morning after work I started changing the brakes on my 2nd car, rusty is an understatement. I kept running into issues, I could.not.break.the.rotors.free. Not only had I worked all night and it was getting later and later while things weren’t going well. I was so calm and just kept trying alternatives even driving to hardware store to try hacks and tricks.

In the end I had to leave the rotors until I can take it to a shop where the have air hammers ect. Got the rest done though and lent the car to my mother temporarily.

What surprised me was how absolutely calm and unemotional I was. I was tired, things were not going well at all, I kept hitting wall after wall but I just kept at it, almost without thinking or trying. The resilience in the face of adversity theme was very strong. I was well aware of how annoying the process was going but I barely felt annoyed, I just carried on looking for opportunities to make anything work. Im still analyzing my day and im just really impressed with how my state of being has been. Calm, centered and determined.

Literally no complaining, whining or pessimism in my mind the whole time. I was just concerned with making sure I did all I could do with what I had. My focus was solely on my capability and the effort required to solve the problem, not on how I felt. Im really happy to see such growth, such a positive change in my temperament. I used to complain a lot in times past, let my emotions affect my behavior and make small issues into big problems and I always hated that about myself but thanks to my journey with subs and this stack specifically, big changes to my core self are happening and growing in maturity feels damn good.

[Geoff]

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

-Arthur Schopenhauer

This seems eerily similar to the process of reconciliation. Makes sense to me. I see it now, looking back over my growth through reconciliation of beliefs ect.

[Geoff]

The more a man is capable of solitude, the more he understands the horror of being needed. Dependency breeds resentment, and resentment breeds cruelty. The boy raised on legends, becomes the man destroyed by them. The ability to choose is all we really have.