Geoff's Journal - Reflections of a Hero

[Geoff]

Sun

Reflections - 2 mins

Hero Origins - 2 mins

Sometimes I really get on my own nerves. Why is that I can go weeks without negatives but then out of nowhere sabotage my own success. Weekends are the bane of my existence, where the evil creeps in during idle time.

Ive been sucked into a psychological whirlwind this weekend, ideas and thoughts about illusions, death, propaganda, perceptions and influence run amuck in my mind. Vivid challenges about whats real, whats manufactured and what agenda being pushed. Im getting to the point where Im backing away from established or accepted “truths” and living in the ‘in between’, the gray where uncertainty and reservation live. If I didnt see it myself, Im unwilling to believe it. The total loss of faith and trust in the world around me. Ive always been a ‘why’ guy but its getting to the point where my default is cynicism, suspicion and disbelief off the cuff, not out of irrationality or emotionality but from a deep well of distrust shaped over time.

I wonder why I behave how I do. I wonder why I want to cultivate different behavior, why I want to stop certain things and start other things. All a result of programming? Am I actually choosing these things or do I just think that I am in control? Influence can be good or bad but what is the mechanism of discernment. We all have an inner conscience which serves as our ‘standard’ by which we judge ourselves and our actions. By what standard do we use to validate or prove our own will? I do more bad than good on a daily basis, I fail in one or way constantly. Moment by moment the battle rages in my mind, full of choices and decisions followed by consequences. Over and over again I create my path of life, choosing how it will go and whats crazy is how badly I do it. I have to be honest, the majority of my decisions in life are rooted in feelings, emotional states instead of pure logic which would yield a much more successful life path.

Im disappointed…in myself.

Proverbs 16:9

9 A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps.

So Free Will is necessary but one could also argue that fate is involved. A man can go in whatever direction he wants and The Lord will guide his way(actions?) Yet death is certain at the end. What meaning is there in this, there is no guarantee that I will honor God through living, even if thats my goal. I fall short daily. This world is a filter. I dont understand enough to know anything. Always more questions than answers.

Why does an imperfect being strive for perfection knowing its unattainable in this life.

Why do we work so hard to achieve worldly success when we can take nothing with us. Other people do not care about what we achieve unless it also benefits them, we work and work beyond sustainment for what? Validation from those who are just like you? Everything feels like a con to me. We grow up being programmed to feel unworthy and primed to chase and pursue things in the external, to be a slave to fame, validation, wealth and consumption ect when none of it matters.

I spent my early life living out bad programming, chasing nothing, wasting time, energy, effort. Giving love to get all the wrong things. Using people, getting used by people, hurting others and living lies upon lies hoping you never wake up and realize it. The harsh reality is, I 100% deserve to go to Hell.

This system is cannibalistic, dont let it get you.

[Geoff]

Tonight I feel quite uncomfortable. Its a state of feeling stuck and a strong desire to leave/get away. Ever felt trapped in your body? Thats the jist of how im feeling so far, like I want to escape this feeling of being trapped.

I used to feel way more connected to my Spiritual path before this stack and while I do reminisce scriptures or think about connections between things I feel more distance between “God” and myself as if I disconnected and it bothers me. You’d think exploring this stack would maybe help me connect more but all I feel is space. It feels like im growing apart sometimes and it feels wrong to put it bluntly. Maybe this is the evolution/expansion phase and I have to wait for the contraction/understanding phase to solidify whatever conclusions I come to in the future. Or maybe im just heading the wrong way.

Moving to 2 mins definitely hit a little harder. Doing 1 loop of 1:45 last week, I didnt notice much difference compared to 1:30 so I went for 2 and that intense expansion effect I wrote about in the beginning is back. Feels like a new set/level of questioning and a deeper dive where im back in that cosmic pool of consciousness swimming around searching for enlightenment and understanding. Its this state that feels like an Spiritual Acid trip, where the scripting raptures you to a higher plane and you just remain there until what needs to happen, happens.

I dont remember ever feeling this uncomfortable being in my body, the urge to run is Inescapable. What a crazy way to feel, the sheer will of what feels like my Soul wanting to leave its prison is visceral and urgent. Yes, urgency is the perfect description. Waking up on different levels I’d imagine could and would create a sense of Spiritual alarm and now im here trying to embrace all thats coming up. Is this reconciliation or something much deeper…

Im not sure if what ive been typing makes sense but I try to be as open and transparent as I can with my journaling even when it reads in such weird ways. I dont really journal offline, Ive tried and I cant seem to be consistent like I am here on this forum.

[Geoff]

Hero Origins has a big component of craft mastery and security/fighting scripting. I was thinking about what percentage of Hero im actually interested in. Looking at the objectives and the whole description, it seems like the only thing im actually pursuing is the Virtues. The self development and refinement of the masculine character. The empowerment of integrity and Spiritual discipline.

Since starting this stack, external action has basically tanked. I haven’t worked out in awhile and even if I do, its two quick exercises. Im not even trying to build anything, my preoccupation with getting fit/stronger and losing weight trailed off.

I haven’t been actively reading any books, doing any research or having any kind of thoughts thats ignite a passion for anything. Is my Rom/Ros custom just taking up all my bandwidth? Im honestly not doing shit anymore. Its all in my head, contemplation, reorganization and dismantling of structures. While my internal world keeps accelerating, my external world is shrinking. Im so detached from the physical that its like watching life atrophy in slow motion.

I spent a year on Love Bomb and Emperor trying to build myself into something better, a lot of external growth and external actions that now are seemingly being abandoned. Ive lost so much interest in the world around me and my physical life. I just cant seem to make myself care. Is this simply regression to my past when I struggled with meaning and the point of life or is it this stack and the detachment scripting in Ros?

9 in numerology is about completion, reflections, endings and new beginnings. 2025 is a universal 9 year and also my personal year since my Bday, so I know this is affecting things in my life, but am I really cutting off things this much and seemingly automatically? Its as if my subconscious audited itself and figured out everything I pretended to value and cut off the effort to those things without consulting me.

I dont get it, am I so mental now that Im now just standing still, watching life pass by as I contemplate. Why have I no longer any goals. Why do I no longer want to be bothered by anything or anyone. Why am I not engaged and why does nothing seem to hold any weight anymore?

You could give me a list of 101 things to do as a human being and I’d dismiss them all. Why does it feel like as I write that im heading towards the point of " I dont see the value in being alive/human anymore" it doesnt feel emotional but rather rational. Im bored. Everything I think of feels unfufilling. What is this about, I mean im here until im not, so why piss and moan about being viscerally bored with existence. Where is this coming from.

Its said if you find no meaning then create meaning and I’d say how? Its said the greatest meaning in life is to serve, serve others. I do take the opportunity to help others if I can when presented but I do not seek it on my own as an action. Im not sure I have enough to sustain that level of service as I feel a deep well of exhaustion within me that is not just physical but all encompassing. Is that why I feel bored and empty? From existential exhaustion? How would you fix that, sleeping in on the weekends doesnt do it. Eating a cheat meal once a week doesnt either.

To the point of Hero’s mastery, Im not trying to master anything but myself, my mind. I dont seem to value the world and the pointless things in it from a consumerism standpoint yet maybe im a hippocrit because I use subs which is a consumer product. If I dont value the external much then what do I value. And if what I value are concepts, ideas and virtues but dont take external action with them then what am I…

What is it that I really want, if anything? Do I even want anything? What am I even saying all this for. Whats is the point of subliminals or taking action/s in this life if you no longer want to play the game? I think thats the fundamental truth staring me in the face. How does one get the to the point of losing so much interest in general.

[Geoff]

Maybe the above is not as uncommon as Im thinking it is.

I look at the world and I dont see a future. I see existence and survival, no longer thriving opportunity. Maybe im overly perceptive, maybe im just cynical who knows. All I can say is when you see it like this, is it any surprise that goals fall apart, effort in things stops and you lose sight of the meaning in activities.

Do I no longer care because I see that any effort put in will be in vain sooner or later. Lol, its like my whole life has been boiled down to the quote of “the juice isnt worth the squeeze”

I dont want to ‘squeeze’ anymore.

So how do I overcome this state of existence. Am I just completely out of inspiration? I eat, sleep and work because these things are required to exist. Aside from that, I spend my time in contemplation when not solving problems or preparing to solve problems. I cant think of anything that I want or anything I could put effort in that would be worth the exertion in the end.

Maybe I dont have enough exposure to Love Bomb and my inner states soil cannot support Hero Origins mastery investment needs to produce fruit. I still love myself since I posted in my last journal, it is because of my foundation from LB that I no longer feel like continuing to prostitute myself in this society for vanity.

Nothing seems worth it anymore and that can absolutely be a problem…

[Geoff]

The statement “If you have a ‘why,’ you can bear any ‘how’” means that a strong sense of purpose or meaning in life gives individuals the strength to endure hardships and challenges. Coined by the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, this idea highlights how finding a profound reason for living—whether it’s a personal goal, a commitment to others, or a pursuit of meaning itself—provides the necessary resilience to overcome almost any obstacle life presents.

Is this my struggle? Is boredom, lack of interest and a loss of value in living all symptoms of losing one’s ‘Why’? Seems like it but at the same time not completely.

How does one find meaning. The right kind of meaning that will set your soul ablaze with purpose and sustain your every endeavor? Does the possibility even exist. How do I transmute this absolutely overwhelming state of indifference towards living life.

I lost my spark in high school, I’ve mentioned it a few times. It seems everything changed since then and I guess in a sense I died when that happened and Ive been walking around dead for decades looking for that spark, looking for that ‘Why’… will I ever find it, does it even still exist. This has been my issue since before I even hit adulthood. Life has been an existential crisis for me ever since.

What a profound and sad realization, writing post after post and just now a twinge of emotion at this understanding, its the root of my frustration. One of many probably but the one responsible, I believe for this disinterested angst. Knowing and understanding is only part. There’s no problem if you dont see a problem, so now I see it in more clarity but the solution? Lol…no clue. How do you find your lost will to live, to really live not just exist.

[Geoff]

I have no fight in me, there is no fight. No fire, no spark inside.

I think about if I was ever to have my life threatened for some reason, that I would probably give a half smile and do absolutely nothing to prevent the threat from being carried out. No begging or pleading, no fighting back. Just indifferent non-compliance seems to be the state I feel when role-playing in my mind.

[Geoff]

I went to sleep at 8:30am and woke up at 1:30pm. Headache and tossing and turning until I got up at 7:15pm. Ive been on the verge of tears since I got up but cannot cry. The healing events on this stack are intense. This is the 2nd one so far and while I have faith in a few days Ill feel lighter and more free, the level of sheer discomfort feels neverending.

I looked in the mirror earlier and almost immediately the only word that came to mind as I locked eyes with myself was pain. I could see it and feel it, it was in the moment, comforting to feel acknowledged if only by my own self.

I started looking up and listening to chillstep, trance and ambient music tonight which seems to be helping to move my experiences forward more smoothly. I do notice Ill get this 2 secon flashes of memories, a sense of nostalgia that lingers for only a second then vanishes and im unable to experience these moments, theres no understanding in them and im left aggravated as one would feel if they lost their train of thought. I can sense past connections are crossing, moments coming and going but im just not able to relive them again. I think the vocal less, melodic music helps trigger these flashes.

I wonder if its possible to taste sounds or hear color. Old, lost or forgotten things seem to be reappearing for me. I felt this sense of returning to myself earlier, whatever that means. For a moment I almost felt like a child, in the way of expression. To fully own itself and not bend to the whims of the external. Children are extremely authentic and congruent and we lose that as we grow up. I felt a call to return to that. I started thinking about living for myself and just after that, the thought of selfishness popped up. It seems theres more work to do but maybe the message is to value myself and my experiences and let go of the fear. Maybe its time I stopped prioritizing things that do not fulfill me. Maybe I need to listen to myself more, really listen.

[Geoff]

Started really seeing the little things last night. It was raining when I ate lunch in my car and I noticed the reflections of the rain droplets under the street light was being displayed on my cars interior. Patterned movement of water dancing across my car and for some reason seeing it captivated me. I felt deep appreciation for the gift of that experience and for the rich, fulfilling ambience. I smiled and even chuckled watching, I felt joy and peace for all of 15 mins and it was great.

I also noticed the textures of things at work, just taking in the creativity and uniqueness of everyday items I take for granted. I listened to 3 to 4 hours of ambient chillstep music mixes too and it seemed to help me cultivate amplified senses which made my night more rich with sensory flavor. Its like playing music helped turn on even more awareness.

I cant help but wonder after posting so much on how ive lost that aliveness that im somehow now restarting in a sense, by observing the little things and finding the positives. Maybe this is the foundation, the catalyst for renewal.

On a more grounded and rational note, I was thinking about Hero’s craft mastery again. Seeing as I am not really doing jack except eat, sleep and work vibez I came to realize that since I work out of need that Hero has definitely improved my work state. Im more productive, consistent and focused. I paid attention to myself last night and I seemed robotic for lack of a better word. Robotic can sound negative but I mean it as efficient, organized with steady flow. Self confidence has increased a bit too I think, less uncertainty when different things come up. I still find my job ungodly boring and still dont like night shift but im definitely working better.

Most days I feel like 75% in my own head and 25% in my body. My motivation outside of work is down drastically. My consistency in routine has become erratic, ive skipped doing things already set up. Not sure whats up with this as ive always been rigid and efficient. Now I’m living an almost whimsical experience, maybe Capricious is a better term (given to sudden and unaccountable changes of mood or behavior.) I seem less upset about it than I should be.

I cant shake this feeling that ive been doing all the wrong things, living in all the wrong ways and thinking in all the wrong ways. I was always trying to follow this thought out plan for my life and since this stack, all of its been questioned and possibly scrapped and now im just back at square one, unsure about everything. As it should be I suppose.

[Geoff]

Sat

Hero Origins - 2 mins

Reflections - 2 mins

6 rest days later and here we are. The integration still feels unfinished and my minds been all over the place, all week. I listened to Hero first to see if I felt any overload and it went smooth but as soon as I played Reflections, the fullness came on and I felt strain. Fire wasnt lying when he said Ros was heavy, combined with the other stuff in the custom Im not surprised.

My whole identity, or lack thereof weighs heavily on me. My ego is attached to delusional idealism and my identity attached to pain, what a combo. Together, I exist in a Loser state. I havent even begun to understand. Snippets of harsh truth pierce my soul daily, discomfort is where I lay my head at night. I live in uncertainty and confusion, wading through the muddy waters of me trying to get a clue.

Ive had so much to say these past few days but when I sit down to write, it all falls away. I had great insight while listening to my loops only for all of it to disappear once I opened this journal.

[Geoff]

All of the ugliness of being me, shown by my own mind holding up a mirror. I made this custom to get more Spirtual but its been intensely going after me and my shameful and embarrassing past. Reminds me of my Dragon Reborn Zp run but more intimate.

In a way, it feels like im being forcefully subjected to myself, the uncomprising raw, true self. Exposure feels cruel but I know its a learning process and what I asked for.

I know ive felt good and peaceful on this stack before so I know its possible but lately I just dont feel good at all. The recons got my identity shaken up and I wake up everyday feeling really uncomfortable in a way I cant explain clearly. Im in a space, within a space separated or rather isolated from things I used to identify with. Im confused by my beliefs and attachments and when I start to think about them I feel upset as if I never had a choice in choosing them? Life feels imposed on me rather than chosen or accepted. Seems like ive spent the last 40 years reacting to things instead of embracing.

Processing and integrating, over and over. It seems absurd that only 2 min loops could put me into such deep reflection but it just proves how powerful these subs are. Nothing feels clear, just little nudges or moments that guide me to the next piece of the puzzle.

My minds so busy trying to unfuck itself that I dont seem to have the capacity to entertain others words, read any books or even watch a movie. At work I feel like im on auto-pilot just using muscle memory to get through while my consciousness is off deciphering itself on my behalf. Its hard to feel engaged in the present these days.

[Geoff]

Choices come first, decisions follow . You can’t make a decision without there first being choices, but you can have choices even without a decision.

Choice connects us to our desired intentions, values, and beliefs. Decisions are connected to places of behavior, performance, and consequences.

I never really thought about choice’s vs decision’s until now. I was thinking about free will and consequences. What and why we do and how our reality reflects our choices and decisions. What is the consequence of a choice? Is it a decision?

Seems like it all starts with a thought, does anything come before a thought? Sometimes I wonder if thoughts can exist outside of free will, if it doesnt then all you have is programming from some one or thing that does.

I make ridiculous decisions everyday and hardly notice, yet complain when my life gets harder because of them. Lack of or low awareness is detrimental to proper decision making, at least in my own life. Seems like the world in general is trying to lower awareness and over distract to the point of mental indifference in order to find relief. I know when im overwhelmed, I check out or become indifferent.

I used to be hypervigilant from trauma until neurofeedback chilled me out but moved me too far into hypoarousal where im trying to move out of, into balance. When I was hypervigilant, I saw everything but my nervous system was fried, now im too calm, detached and lacking presence. Coupled with this stack its a wild ride. Some good though is that Im noticing details in small amounts, senses feel stronger sometimes, especially smell but taste can pick up stuff too as ive been eating quite clean for awhile that eating something processed tastes unholy bad now. I guess im more perceptive in some ways and other ways im overwhelmed.

I cant tell lately if im unmotivated or just uninterested. Do things matter beyond the basics or is it all consumerism programming. Influence - a most dangerous word. The older I get, the stronger the filter. Constantly being told we’re incomplete, not good enough, need this or that ect.

People out there chasing this bs or that bs, measuring themselves against a vain show and the dancing puppets around them…fuck all that…I just want to know the Truth

[Geoff]

Is there an ideal way to live life?

I criticize myself and how I live but im not sure I ever asked myself why. I think theres programming in my mind about the ‘best way to live’ which is someone else’s vision who has an agenda based on my participation.

I think about the typical ways humans behave and live. Some ways are more productive than others and some ways yield more happiness and contentment but what is ideal and is it universal? Is success relative…

I would probably benefit more if I stopped judging myself by external standards of quality this or quality that. What is most important? Happiness? I dont think one finds happiness in life, a person has to create happiness in thier life. After all ‘wanting’ in and of its itself is suffering. To chase after something is a confirmation of lacking it. So its better to build or create than to pursue, at least in the context of happiness.

Its all circumstantial I suppose, we operate the best we can inside a framework we were born into and never had a say in. Its time I embraced the fact that I can only do so much and if I allocated my energy towards what I can control and left the rest then maybe life would be more fulfilling.

Reprioritizing interests. Been feeling stupified, almost blank lately. Feels like im living in a void or black hole everytime I try to think of or identify an interest I have. It doesnt seem ‘normal’ to just not care. I hear people talk day to day, about things that just dont sound like it matters at all, gossip or complaining mostly or someone explaining something to another.

The world seems so big, so full of things but at the same time completely boring and repetitive. It blows my mind how systemized life is these days. I just want to ask, is this it? There’s too much entertainment in this world, does that bother anyone else? Its definitely not a good thing.

[Geoff]

Ennui means a feeling of boredom, weariness, and dissatisfaction, often resulting from a lack of interest or stimulation. It is a French word that describes a state of listlessness, where one feels tired and unenthusiastic about their current situation.

LISTLESS is characterized by lack of interest, energy, or spirit.

Between Ennui and listlessness, I can see my issue. All im really sure of at this point is that things need to change. How do you break out…

[Geoff]

This morning at work a coworker from 3rd who moved to 1st about 6 months ago stopped by my area to say hi.

When I saw him, I was stunned. I asked him if he was hitting the gym. He said he’s been doing Onad, running 1400 calories a day and lost 70lbs. I was so happy for him, zero envy. I praised him on all of his positive changes since going to days. Its amazing really. He was 290 on nights back in March, now he’s hovering around 215/220. He’s doing light exercise too, nothing crazy.

He used to snack out of the vending machines all night and smoke some gud on breaks, now hes like a new person. Not sure if he’s still using but im sure he’s not doing it at work anymore. His moods way better too.

All that got me thinking, what if all my Ennui and lack of caring and boredom with life is from my 3rd shift life? I know it affects things, being opposite but what if everything im struggling with is from that…I mean I try to get in shape but fall off, I lost interest in everything. Feels like my life’s been on pause for years, literally and I tell myself whatever to justify it.

Idk, seeing him this morning changed something for me. How easy it was for him to ‘get right’ and im not easy the work he’s done was easy but how much more supportive 1st shift is to his goals compared to 3rd. The company usually opens new positions in spring, being near bottom seniority doesnt help but something has to give. I can have all the intentions in the world but that doesnt mean things will go right if I dont prioritize myself better.

There’s crap around me for work as usual. Im as close to stuck in my circumstances as one could be unless I want to be broke but damn, maybe im just living wrong…literally. how much damage am I willing to do to my own life for money…my inner voice fires back “maybe if you’d have finished college or worked harder, you wouldn’t be in this shitty position”

Well first step is cutting everything unnecessary out. Then saving $4k to pay off rest of loan after that sock up savings then plan on moving around in company or finding another job. Thats the order of focus so far, to head in the right direction. Im stuck for now, but not for long with the right attitude.

It was really great to see someone make such positive changes, 6 months…crazy

[Geoff]

I Had a mandatory meeting this morning at work. Lay offs…Im not very high in seniority but I dont believe that I’ll get laid off this round…

I dont know if its fear, uncertainty or just reality but I started snapping out of the introspection and now find myself trying to solve a problem.

There’s an option to volunteer quit for severance that im considering learning more about since I saw my coworker the other day on 1st. Maybe I should entertain a buyout and find a day job, but none pay enough. Do I stay and roll the dice to see how long I make it. Ive decided this will be my last 3rd shift job after reflecting. I could ride this out until im let go and let circumstance force me into a day job or I could start pursuing it myself. The variables are basically the wage has to be sustainable and I need my loan paid off to feel better about it.

I noticed my mood improved once I accepted the fact that my angst could very well be from night shift life. The ways nightshift can affect a person really sells it. So that helps me detach from the idea that theres something wrong with me which lightened up alot, the burden I felt I had.

For now I need to be cautious, very conservative and use wisdom going forward. Im going to stop the overintellectualization too.

[Geoff]

Thurs

Reflections - 2 mins

Hero Origins - 2 mins

Past few days have been more amped for me, think I fell into sympathetic nervous system from the job/lay off fears. Next week things will become clear. Caught myself stress eating yesterday at work. I seem more mentally calm in the face of stress, more willing to respond with positive action than getting emotional. However I wasnt expecting my physiology to become so rattled.

Working on trying to stay out my head and not fall into deep introspection until I make time for it, like on weekends. Allowing myself room to entertain more without embodying it and getting lost in it like before.

I’ve noticed the cleaner I live, the harder the bad stuff attacks. The more I abstain/deprive myself, the more influence I notice. I wonder, how many thoughts I think in my mind are actually from me and not some external force. Awareness is key.

[Geoff]

Starting to feel kind of like a Hero, taking initiative on opportunities to help others. Going beyond the standard scope of effort in random situations. Attacking problems head on with calm resilience, putting certain things above myself when needed, instead of feeling selfish or emotional. Being more compassionate and responsible.

I think im finally getting used to 2 minute loops. Im noticing my behavior and little. I just spent the last 4.5 hours helping with a car issue over an hour away from me. It was instinctive as far as action, no hesitation or whining just resilience and a sense of duty or moral obligation in this context. I find myself wanting to be of service when able to do so, something I think a ‘Hero’ would do.

The unity scripting in Ros is expressing as well. Im looking at past resentments and seeing the individuals and who they are not really what was done to me. Compassion for what might have happened to them that caused the outcomes in the past. Im feeling the interconnectedness between people and wanting to be more understanding and forgiving yet at the same time having increased clarity on what I will not tolerate these days.

I did not expect such ‘healing’ from this stack at all. The recon is very consistent with varying intensity and externally im satisfied with my behavior but internally im still dealing with a lot of strife. Ive been comfort seeking all week which I’d prefer not to do. However between fears of lay offs/job loss and the self care scripting, I am giving myself a break. Living in a distressed state is not helping but I dont know know how to turn off the alarm in my own head. Stress is stress and I am unfortunately not in a secure state to where I can relax.

All in all things are moving positively, im looking forward to the deep, identity level changes going forward.

[Geoff]

Its getting louder, more forceful. The urgency. Currently, Its as if im standing on a rock sticking out of the water and I feel urgency that I need to get off the rock im standing on but as I look around, there is nowhere else to move to. Thats the current state. The goal is to find another rock, whatever that may be is my priority…

My mind is no longer on self exploration mode, the uncertainty and insecurity of life has turned that off. I honestly thought there’d be more resilience in this stack, Im way too amped on stress, its all I feel lately. Waking up tense is never good. My moral compass feels strong, my heart is in the right place but im missing steely resolve and hard-core resilience right now.

This winter was supposed to be quiet and peaceful, a time for reflection and exploration without major issues. Now, it seems like a new problem appears each week. My custom has been going a way I didnt expect and moving further away from what I had intended. Is this the path on the way or did I just choose wrong. I can keep seeing this overarching theme of moving away from what where I wanted to go. I havent accomplished any of the things I intended to with this stack. Granted its not all on the subs but im being overwhelming redirected and I was going with it out of curiosity but since fear entered in, Im questioning if this is helpful or wasting time. Of course fear can derail a life too.

What do I need right now…to feel secure in myself, knowing that no matter what happens that I can and will handle it with Unrelenting drive, confidence and ferocity, refusing to give up and always pushing forward.

…now what sub most fits that? Or am I better off taking the rest of the year off subs, or continuing the stack? One more loop tomorrow and cycle 3 is done. Lots to think about.

[Geoff]

After reading the Hero Origins sales page in full again, Im reminded why I chose it in the first place. Even with fear and stress, I need to understand that I have only just started and have only reached 2 minutes. There were a lot of objectives that can and will address my current state, I only need to persevere.

Recons getting the best of me when coupled with life stress. I realize now that Ive been playing mind games with myself, trying to figure out what the best sub is for me right now while downplaying the current ones. Tricky, tricky shit.

This stack is hard to gauge, seems like im always in recon/irrationality even with 4 to 5 rest days in between loops.

[Geoff]

I had neurofeedback training this morning and while my sleep was cut short due to a loud neighbor on a 4-wheeler, I am feeling more grounded compared to 36 hours ago when I felt I was having a crisis of conscious.

Ive spent tonight thinking about trust. Specifically trust in myself and why I easily seem to accept some things from outside sources but not easily from myself, especially while in reconciliation. The very features I was seeking outside the stack are within this stack. The fact of my spazzing out was probably a last ditch attempt of old programming trying to save itself and I almost gave in. I swear, things can be right in front of you and you wont let yourself see it. Anyways I’m proud of myself for staying committed. Ive never been much of a stack switcher but the doubt does attack at times.

"The heavy emphasis on developing inner wisdom and morality can be extremely transformative. HERO Origins is not a toy. Expect transformation."

I keep being reminded of this line in Hero’s description. Especially “Expect transformation” Im going to keep this saying close to me, to keep my awareness on growth strong. I was thinking about it and even if I didnt want this stack anymore, there really is not much Id like to try to be honest. I think of Spartan and Love Bomb randomly but not much else. So I think its the pain of the growth and the fact of facing myself thats so distressing among regular life stress.

Id like to remake Reflections custom, make it a little lighter but I dont know enough about the modules to really choose whether they can be cut or not. New Spirituality Experience is one I dont “think” I notice or can tell but how is it affecting the custom? I know I’d cut book Blitz and Mosaic at this point for density sake. I find myself wanting to add Ardent Light and MDFY: Freedom so that’d be an equal swap. Maybe I dont need to change anything…

Evolving Identity…I wonder if this module is the reason for when my conscious attention feels like its being overtly pulled away in real time. I certainly feel that I dig deep into contextual memories, for sure. Ill get hit with situations that make me feel guilt and shame strongly, theres times where I remember my behavior, the choices I made, when I used to hurt others because they hurt me, ect that I start tearing up. Im grateful at work that I wear tinted safety glasses.

Its all so heavy. The morality scripting, the wisdom scripting. It reframes my past so I can see exactly what was not okay and theres a lot of it. It can sometimes feel like im torturing myself with the past even though the goal is not to cause strife but teach what is correct.

Its so apparent that Ive never felt like a man, growing up with no male role models, friends or a father. Ive been trying to teach myself masculinity since I got sober almost 10 years ago and its scary, looking back 15 years ago and seeing how effeminate and lost I was. In my early 20s I used to refer to myself and style as metrosexual. I used to wear the diamond stud earrings in both ears until I took them out at age 30 or 31. God damn man, learning how to be a man, learning how to be correct is so important. I was so fucked up, my whole life has been a series of bad choices followed by harsh consequences and now im alone, struggling to feel functional in a dying society while seeking out true masculinity.

This is why when I found Jesus, I held on tightly as who could be more masculine than The Lord God of everything in the flesh, if there was ever a role model for man He is it. I want to develop every Virtue, I want to be strong, hard and resilient. I want to be honorable, unwavering and steadfast. I want to be able to sacrifice myself for good if necessary without hesitation and I want to disconnect from all desires of this world that keep us trapped in bondage.

I dont ever want to be the way I was in youth, it was worldy, demonic, self serving, hurtful and vain. That is no way to live.