Genesis + RoD Back to Basics

Journals - Major Programs
#78

I gotta stay off the caffeine…

I’ve been back on it, completely screwed up buying a pack of energy drinks. Most people drink caffeine for productivity, I just do it to distance myself from my feelings. I’m 100% using it like a drug and need to stop.

Sometimes I just go into work and it’s like “I’m dealing with shit, caffeine, robot mode, depression later”. Bad bad cycle.

Since I started Paragon my attention has been brought to it. I started taking Taurine and I was like “now I can have all the caffeine I want!”. Well the energy crash isn’t there, but man the dopamine hit is really rough. What goes up must come down, unless I start getting into balancing dopamine. But now I just sound like a drug addict trying to rationalize my addiction.

SO yeah. My last post here was really somber and depressing because that’s where I was at.

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#79

Have you tried the Bio-tuner at SOTA instruments?

#80

Never heard of it prior to today. I’ll have to take a look later.

#81

Yes, I use it to help me sleep better.

It also helps me when I have recon.

Sounds like Genesis is working.

#82

Genesis is a weird one. It’s like every day something else knocks on your door needing attention. Honestly the fact that it’s so broad and comprehensive is aiding me in the ability to just roll with it. The other day it was the world at large, today it’s the ridiculous amount of sexual energy being uncoiled in me. Also spontaneous visualization of being desired in a romantic relationship.

It’s like peering into a different potential reality vs just a visualization.

I have no idea where any of this is going or how and yet it’s the most relaxed and carefree I’ve felt in my life.

Most of my life I’ve hated committing to one thing. I wonder if Genesis appeals to my type of mind.

I’m on my 5 day washout before starting up my next cycle. It’s been hitting hard. Tired as hell from bailing on the caffeine but still lots of internal movements.

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#83

How to make your kid’s life dysfunctional in two easy steps.

  1. Don’t work on your own unhealthy emotional behavior and end up hurting your kid

  2. Place the entire burden on your child to figure out the incredibly complex and dysfunctional coping mechanisms you’ve now given them.

Dark humor helps me cope. Going through some stuff right now.

It’s my responsibility to move on from this and heal, but it’s not my fault it occurred.

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A Northern Power (Not Nice)
#84

Finding the urge to create, but hitting a wall of fear. It’s so funny for as long as I’ve been at this music thing, one wrong note or a poorly designed sound can just derail me. I keep telling myself “it’s fine to make mistakes, nothing bad is going to happen, keep going, it will come together” but my body is just reactive. It’s like it’s trying to physically get away from what I’m doing.

I’m really tuning into this now vs trying to override it with logic or whatever. It’s just not sustainable or conducive to creative flow at all. Feels like every time I go to write a song I don’t know what I’m doing.

It’s funny very often I get inspired in sessions, not before them. But then I have this weird amnesia like effect where I can’t recall the thought process or why it came together.

Technically none of this is all that difficult. I know the ins and outs of synthesis, sound processing, my gear. It’s just I get in my own way and I don’t know how to stop it.

But that’s the thing with music, it’s not what you know. It’s what you do with that knowledge and how it all comes to together in a cohesive whole.

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#85

The romance part of Genesis is definitely pushing me to do something. Ended up downloading Tinder again just for the hell of it and putting a profile together. Got a decent amount of likes right off the bat, usually the profiles are boosted when you first create them. But I can’t say I’ve ever started off beyond single digits lol.

Something feels different about me. I’m trying to put myself out there more, trying not to reject myself first before meeting anyone. I do that a lot. Feel like I’m the worst person in the world. Realistically I just don’t have enough positive experiences to offset my inner critic.

I’m also trying not to be doom and gloom lately. Like yeah America kind of feels like it’s bordering on 1984 with some of the crap going on. But I’m trying to embrace my own power, own the idea that with awareness and focused intention I’m more powerful than half awake greedy morally corrupt people. I can’t control external circumstances but I can strengthen myself so that doesn’t impact me. I won’t be abused and then told I’m powerless.

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#86

Incredibly well-said.

Bookmarked.

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#87

Was tired as hell yesterday. Got home from work, made some food, then almost threw on a TV show or movie. But then I stopped and asked myself “am I really going to enjoy this and am I invested in it? Or am I killing time here?” The answer was I was killing time out of anxiety and procrastination. So instead I went to my MPC and started up another track fresh vs working on another one I was stuck with. Going to try to be more present with my music making moving forward vs trying to just finish it.

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#88

Feeling a lot less serious about this whole life thing. The emotional depths I’ve been through in my life and twists and turns, man when someone is panicking in a job over one slightly askew thing I laugh. I feel like that was me too, still is to some degree. But overall it’s like what’s the bigger picture here? What’s my lifespan compared to the human race? Compared to to the universe? Compared to the existence of this company? Absolutely nothing, a blip would even be too much.

In a way I’m a little unhinged right now. I don’t care about petty shit. There’s no place for it in my life. This is gonna cause friction but screw it. Eventually I’ll outgrown my environment. Right now it isn’t doing me any favors.

There’s a bit of bitterness here that I have to resolve and not hold onto. But I’m just agitated over people and circumstances in my life that just constantly tried to shove me somewhere I didn’t want to go. Ultimately you get what you give. Treat me well and I’ll return the favor, decide to step on my well being repeatedly and you just burned a bridge.

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#89

Damn I miss skateboarding. I gotta get back on my board.

I never got really good at a huge bag of tricks. I was always trying to refine my stuff. To me 5 stylish tricks was worth more than 20 sketchy ugly looking ones. But I def got hung up on perfectionism and was overly harsh on myself. One day all I did was heelflips for 4 straight hours.

I’m 32, but I’m surrounded by people that joke about their bodies falling apart and stuff hurting more and not being young. Bleh. It’s not age, it’s bad postural habits and movement. When you’re younger you’re active, moving, up and about. You’re using your body in a very functional way. Sitting at a keyboard for 8 hours is as far away from what the human body adapted to do as possible. I’m guilty of a sedentary lifestyle too, but I’m not complacent in it. It always sits in the back of my mind and I know it’s not good.

But yeah overall age related limiting beliefs EVERYWHERE. I swear some people would eat cyanide capsules and meme about it. I don’t know where this celebration of poor health comes from in this society. Sounds like Paragon is doing some work on me.

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#90

The past two days I pretty much fought to create music. I sat down at my gear and tried. Halfway through I’d start getting incredibly tired. There were some moments I just closed my eyes in my chair and just tried to calm down.

The reason my strategy of “not forcing” it never worked is because I’m battling this every time I sit down. I mistakenly thought it was just circumstances, but it’s constant. Maybe some days are easier than others but it definitely drags me down.

I noticed these prominent thoughts popping up while making the music.

  • This has been done already and by someone better than me, why should I even bother being proud of this?
  • You’re not proficient enough or good enough to ever have this be a bigger part of your life
  • It’s too late in life. You need to focus on jobs and careers that are stable.
  • Nobody likes this stuff, there’s no value in my music.

These all fill me with a deep sense of depression and hopelessness because I have a spark in me to be creative. More than a hobby. I get agitated in conventional jobs, I feel like my time on earth is being stolen from me. But every time I have these thoughts I think of all the people who just want to criticize for going after something different. I’m not trying to be a goddamn super star here and I feel like that’s what most ignorant people outside of music and arts assume with anyone that has a creative bone in their body.

These are all just limiting beliefs, but man the way you get presented all this as facts growing up sucks.

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#91

The things you tell yourself sometimes, or maybe it’s me.

For a good few years I was into a lot more new agey stuff. Out of desperation mostly. Kind of hilarious looking back on it now and how I approached things.

I was absolutely convinced and apparently so were others, that you could just release the discomfort from emotions by energetically releasing it. That there were energy blockages and THAT was the cause of the emotions. In hindsight it was so ass backwards to take that approach and knowing what I know now it was just another way to compartmentalize and suppress but also help me feel in control. I got really good at not only not labeling my emotions, but also not understanding them in the slightest.

Imagine being a human and being so uncomfortable with the idea of having normal human emotions. What do you do? Try to transcend them. It’s never been the emotions themselves, but my relationship to them. I don’t know how it got this bad for me, but this has been one of my lifelong struggles. Fundamentally it’s why I’ve struggled with subs so much because they all require emotional transmutation, but if you refuse to even allow them into your awareness you can’t do anything. For me I think I’ve had a profound belief that I must be a certain way 24/7 and any deviation from that is failure vs the normal experience of being human.

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#92

I was listening to some of my older music I had done a few years back. And I just felt this sort of awe that the tech is there to create stuff like this. You can write a whole piece of music by yourself. Near infinite combinations of how everything comes together. So cool. It’s easy to overlook that or just how complex all the steps are to making that cohesive whole. Some of which are mostly subconscious processes I’m not even aware of anymore.

I just felt an appreciation for the ability to do this. Electronic music evolved out of people’s imagination. Without rules, without standards, and just a willingness to explore new sonic territory. To me I find it can be a really heightened experience of exploring yourself. The inner world turned outer and shared.

#93

Stuff has been hitting me hard lately.

I wrote about “hooks” in life in another thread regarding wealth manifestation. Well hooks come in all shapes and sizes I’ve realized.

I’m really upset that I never got a chance in my life to grow into my own person. There’s always been this sense of those hooks pulling me away from it.

I’m not gonna lie I’ve been tempted to run WB. It looks fun and would build a lot of interesting experiences in life. But then I realize just how much of that is just outward validation seeking for myself. Would more attention from women feel good? Yeah. Will it help me find an identity for myself? Probably not.

I’m just really lost I guess. I still notice when I connect with people there’s that deeper anxiety of not being able to be myself. Or maybe it’s more that I don’t know myself or how to express it within the context of relationships.

I know how I dress and present myself is pretty bland. I have a few favorite shirts and that’s about it. I think my problem is I have no real desire for it. Yeah I could force myself into dressing better, but ultimately that wouldn’t be for me. I don’t particularly like how I dress now but I also don’t have a solid enough identity to know what I want.

That kind of feels like my whole life to be honest. Shoved into roles and doing things that were outside of myself. With years and years of shoving myself down just to exist in the world I guess it’s not a surprise that I have trouble accessing it easily.

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#94

Yeah not particularly happy with how I’ve been coping with my emotions lately.

Past few days I’ve just been vaping weed and getting high. Last night I got pretty blazed and had a moment of fuck it and just sat down at my MPC to write some music. Didn’t care if it was too cheery, cheesy, or crap. I just wanted to see what I could throw out of my head.

I guess when it all feels too much and I don’t know how to move forward or change the structure of everything in my life I kind of just fall apart. I just try to escape and forget about life.

@Malkuth Thanks for sharing that book from Tara Springett a few weeks back. It was on another thread but I ended up grabbing it. I don’t know if it’ll be relevant for me or not, but I’m trying to expand my mind a bit more. My difficulties with spiritual stuff in general and more esoteric things is I came from a background of wanting to escape into it vs integrate it into my life. The fact she has a background in psychology is important for me because without that I think there’s a tendency for spiritual bypass.

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#95

Hmmmm wasn’t anticipating Paragon kicking up this much recon. Did my 30s loop this morning.

Somehow it’s synergized with DR:LD. Reason being my physical health is compromised as long as I’m stuck with old wounds that wreck my self worth. So in order to directly improve my health I have to address the non stop barrage of stress breaking me down. The body can’t heal if its constantly under attack.

And I have to say my biggest stressor is just keeping up with life sometimes. Trying to treat myself better when it doesn’t always work out.

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#96

Which book did you get?

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#97

Healing Kundalini Symptoms: Proven Techniques That Really Work

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