Genesis + RoD Back to Basics

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Decided to just end my washout and start up with Genesis and RoD.

Genesis is perfect for me with where I’m at in my life. After being shoved through the meatgrinder with school indoctrination, college pressure, rising financial costs and getting burned on that for a while I’m over a lot of society’s shit right now. I’m looking to find a lifestyle that ACTUALLY works for me vs this trash I was forced into.

I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself in therapy. One thing that’s absolutely essential is building new positive experiences and actually enjoying life. To give you an example of how repressed I was, I couldn’t even admit to myself I wasn’t enjoying life. Why? I felt shame, like I failed by not being able to be happy and I “had it good compared to others”.

I’m basically starting over with Subclub. It’s been a hard truth to accept, but these past few years of subs and self growth I was just wearing more masks for survival and security reasons. I really don’t have a strong sense of identity, but I’m looking to cultivate that with Genesis. It’s been enlightening and insanely depressing recounting my life experience and what factors contributed to my difficulties, but I’m looking to take care of myself more while validating those experiences.

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#2

This is a very interesting stack, discover your purpose thru your dreams.

I might try this stack.

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#3

For what it’s worth, as someone viewing from the outside, your growth and strengthening have been quite apparent. I think you’ve been evolving in spite of yourself. Sometimes the ego is the last one to know.

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#4

Appreciate it man. Yeah that’s a good take on it. I feel like Genesis will help me see that more by gaining more experiential knowledge. I feel it’s a bit like boxing, training on the focus mitts and heavy bag. You can look really good on the outside to someone who doesn’t know boxing, but once you step in the ring to spar you learn how to use those skills in a more fluid way.

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#5

I think this stack is right on.

What do you think of the module Safety Net?

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#6

I’m very interested in that module and will be putting it in a custom. But I wanted to run the main titles for a bit first before building another custom I end up abandoning. Trying to be more financially responsible as well and customs have not proven to be a wise investment decision by me in the past.

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#7

I really recommend you just run Genesis solo for a cycle first to get a good feel for it on its own.

Stacks well with all other subs, I hear.

Love Genesis so far. I can sense it building already. It must work on core energy too.

Changes in even a few days.

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#8

Something intuitively told me to run these together. I can’t tell you exactly why, but I feel like it’s part of the bigger picture of understanding and communicating with my subconscious better.

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#9

Man love bomb always hurts in the worst way for me. But I realized even though I seek out relationships and have my current ones my lack of love for myself makes me incapable of taking in love from others around me.

Example of something that happened yesterday. I went to a get together and there was a girl there I hadn’t seen in a while. We talk a bit and she’s showing interest in me and how I’ve been doing. But instead of that feeling validating or comforting I felt a pushing away. Stuff like “why would she care about how I’m doing?” She wanted to go hiking with me one day before summer is over. Idk I’m just not good at taking in other people’s kindness. I’m starting to realize this is why relationships are so stressful for me because they can trigger anxiety when compassion is shown.

Other note for myself. Don’t run genesis before a social gathering. You might get external results, but you won’t be in the headspace to fully appreciate it/ recon ruining your evening.

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#10

It’s never too late. If there’s anything I really want to embed into my brain it’s this. It’s really easy to get stuck in mediocre jobs and routines because it feels like I missed my shot in life. Where others were building foundations, I was just trying to stay afloat. It always feels like if you didn’t hit a lucky streak when younger you’re just constantly playing catch up. But I haven’t lived yet, I’m not going to commit spiritual suicide by throwing myself into the machine.

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#11

In a way you could be freer than someone with a mortgage, properties to maintain and children to look after and pay for. At least that’s what I tell myself when asking why I’ve messed up in life.

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#12

Oof confirmed Genesis isn’t a good title to run at the start of the day. I got hammered with so much recon yesterday I just wanted to sleep at my job. Sleeping was my coping strategy when I was younger to escape painful stuff. The other thing I noticed, this probably goes for all subs, is emotional processing won’t take place unless I’m in a safe environment. So having the bulk of the initial processing time during my job was a big fat no.

More developments coming up. Been reading Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD. I went from “it’s not so bad” to “how the hell do I fit the criteria for all this?”. I think at a core level I intensely distrust people, but it’s just a projection of past wounds. I’d like to be more trusting of people, but this isn’t something where I snap my fingers and just decide to do it. I know things will get uncomfortable, but I also know now this isn’t just a case of shyness everyone assumed I’d grow out of so I’m being more understanding of my path of growth.

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#13

I appreciate the groundedness on Genesis. When I was younger I got swallowed up into the world of new age that screwed me severely. I built up a practice of dissociation and derealization, convinced I was on my way to some freedom. Nope just a really dysfunctional coping strategy for trauma. Glad to be as far away from all that as possible nowadays. Defining my own spirituality is what I’m doing now.

Other than that stepping into my role as a manager at my job. The skillset isn’t anywhere close to the same as what I’ve been doing for a few years now. But in a way figuring out workflows and organization is like working with a larger system built out of people. At first I was like “I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m out of my element, this isn’t for me”. Now I’m like “yeah I am out of my element but what can I do to improve?” I don’t have the skills yet, that’s fine because I’ve never done this before in my life.

There are a lot of emotional flashbacks having to do with my abilities as an individual. I instantly panic and freeze. I’m learning to take these reactions as they come and dissect them further so in the future I don’t keep running into them. Sometimes they fire off like a line of firecrackers. My mistake in the past was taking these flashbacks as evidence of my current state and then perpetuating it.

My main issue is somewhere along the line I lost my ability to function. I overrode that to get by, but now I’m taking a step back and learning how to actually function in society. It’s hard because I’m being honest with how I really feel to be able to address it. Minor things like large groups of people and feeling tense and afraid, things I’d criticize myself for before or brush off. But it doesn’t change the actual feelings deep down. Those feelings to some degree are normal, I just never learned how to manage them so it spawned into this monstrous anxiety bordering on agoraphobia.

But I’ve been numb for so long to deal with almost everything in my life. I’m glad I’m getting a chance to start working with the real issues I face with less judgement.

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#14

Deep insight! :bowing_man:

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#15

My cat started getting kind of sick. He’s got pancreatitis so it’s a chronic illness. Last time it happened he almost died because it progressed into liver issues so quickly. The flare ups come and go, but I’m sitting here with him wishing there was something more I could do. It’s the unpredictability of his condition that gets me.

I guess what I’m saying is sometimes I feel like there’s more to health and healing and our capabilities as beings. Sometimes I think it’s just a cope for dealing with mortality.

I wish I had more answers. I admit I’ve come to realize I’m closed off to greater uncharted territories when it comes to the world and the universe. But that’s because I’ve never had grounding and the things I chased in the past were out of desperation rather than exploration. When you’re desperate you’re willing to believe anything, it’s not a good position to be in. That’s how you end up in cults.

#16

I’m starting to focus more on what I need. That’s safety, confidence, and expression as of right now. I’m tired of fighting out in the world, looking over my shoulder, being worried about my future.

As an individual I’m resilient, but I’m easily shaken. That’s been my lifelong struggle. Always getting back up after being knocked down, but struggling with life in general, I’m an easy target for abuse. But even when I wasn’t tolerating it and being more aggressive, that also wasn’t the answer. At the end of the day those emotions are in me, experienced by me, and I’m effected by them. Carrying around an excess amount of anger “just because” is not a good approach.

Why is it that the only way out that’s ever proposed is making more money? I don’t believe it. Give me a life where I attract what I need as I need it vs chasing money for security.

I’m the antithesis of what this country pushes. And I know throughout my life I will continue to get shit for that because I’m constantly pushing up against a narrative that’s been drilled into people’s heads. So I need to be strong, but not angry. My experience of this world has been the equivalent of rubbing up against abrasive sandpaper 24/7. I need some relief, I need my oasis, but I still don’t know how to get there.

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#17

Found myself thinking about moving somewhere else the other day. What am I receiving in return for staying in this state? It’s all my comfort zone and fear. My job pays me just enough to cover expenses, but my rent eats at my savings. My commute is more wear and tear on my car and gas. And for what? Just to survive in a location I’m not particularly attached to. Not to mention I’ve seen the most abusive people live here and the toxicity of that just permeates the environment everywhere I go. I’ve got some friends here but I don’t even see them often enough nowadays. It’ll definitely be hard to not be able to just drive a few minutes to see them but I have a life to consider as well. Sure I could try to manifest a higher paying job and make things work here, but path of least resistance. Picking myself up and moving to a different location with a place that resonates with me and is lower cost of living. Why would I waste energy trying to mold my external environment that I’m clearly incompatible with.

What’s standing in my way? Confidence. Mostly interacting with new people in a new job. My performance at said job. My ADHD being wildly unpredictable when it comes to new situations and what I’ll tolerate. But I can’t keep latching onto what’s comfortable. Especially when what’s comfortable isn’t always good for me.

Another one I struggle with, also ADHD. Moving. Holy shit is moving a nightmare with ADHD. I’ve still got crap from my first move I have to sort through. I keep telling myself to scale down and throw out stuff but I never get to it. I dread the day when I have to pack up everything again. But I’m going to try more to start tackling all this.

I think maybe today I’ll create a pros and cons chart of staying here. Something tells me I’ve got a lot more cons than pros and I’m sentimentally attached to the pros.

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#18

I’m going through similar questionings right now. And I suppose I do in general when it comes time to actually make a concrete, physical move.

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#19

Man am I pissed. Something in me snapped today and it was for the tiniest thing. I got a wfh “official” notification. I got to one part of it and they were like “you will have a designated WFH day, all other days you are expected to be in the office”. And I just flipped. The phrasing of that I just thought to myself “fuck you, you don’t own me”.

And that just hits me somewhere else. I felt like a goddamn tool for this organization to fulfill an agenda that wasn’t aligned with what I want. And it brought on the greater realization that I don’t want to be dependent on a company. Like what is this shit? It’s like surrogate parents but most of them are abusive. I need to gain the confidence to be like “this is 50/50 don’t come here pulling some authoritarian parental bullshit treating me like a child”.

Someone screwed up in another department by not emailing me a spreadsheet last week for an import. So I told them I never got a request. Then they sent the spreadsheet and were like ‘upload plz’. Then I got a follow up email 2 hours later with their manager ccd asking me on the status. No you fucked up, I have work I’m already doing and prioritized too bad, I was so heated I didn’t even tell them it’s not getting done. This was just the straw that broke the camels back today, everyone wants to just pass the responsibility and drag you into something because they’re panicking. No I fully admit what I did wasn’t a mature response and I’ll learn from it, but I’m surrounded by dysfunctional people who don’t think twice about dragging you into their messes.

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#20

Goddamnit. Why do I always revert to this feeling like I just need to think correctly or visualize or just do something right enough in order to break out. Like I’m not doing enough or if I pushed myself a bit more I could radically change my life. It doesn’t come from a place of hopeful exploration. More like pain, criticism, and judgement.

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