Yeah LBFH is the most Alpha sub in the shop, without beeing Alpha if it makes sense.
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I’m feeling resistance to Dragon ST2 for the sole reason of becoming more masculine. It feels natural, yet uncomfortable to try to stop the masculine energy from expressing itself. In my belief, being a man feels wrong (hello social programming!). Asking for what I want, making sure that things get done respectfully and moving the needle generally is new programming that I’ll probably challenge until it gets overridden. It isn’t just “growing up” that I need to adjust to, it’s also learning a new way of being that is more in line with being a masculine man.
I fear things might happen out if my control with this new masculine energy, things like:
- wanting to come on to my coworkers
- looking at other women with a desire for sex
- demanding sex from my partner
- choosing not to be assertive with customers and let the insults slide
However I am:
- walking around a lot slower at work
- remaining calm whilst under pressure
- being rewarded with a new place to work
- getting regularly tipped at work
- recognising that my own internal map of life has shifted for the better, lots of redundant actions to get love have stopped
Dragon ST2 is tiring me out.
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Trying out Dragon Reborn ST2 with DR: Limit Destroyer. Seems there are a lot of mental challenges to overcome:
- Knowing and demonstrating physical love
- Demolishing the idea that I am a constant failure (don’t even try)
- Trying to understand why my family kept me emotionally at arms length
The first one has me in breathing trouble. When attempting to physically express love to a safe person, my breathing shortens. Why? Not sure, maybe fear of being trapped?
The second comes up when wanting to push forward generally. There’s no drive whatsoever. Adding for things, initiating things with my my partner, practicing my creativity. Why shouldn’t I be exhibiting my work in public. Oh, but I might get rejected again, why bother?
Sadness when realising my family keeping me at arms length emotionally. I don’t know what healthy love is.
All in all, my potential should have been greater but I’ve swallowed so many duff beliefs from a young age that are running my behaviour. My weight, for example came from my father, but I took it and ran with it.
I don’t have my own beliefs because I don’t know who I am or too scared to start being what I stand for (Echoism).
I’ve gotten lost under the mountains of shit trying to find myself to become emotionally strong, taking time away from pushing myself to be great within my own creative talents. My early learning curve in life was far too steep and now I’m relearning in order to readjust to real life.
It upsets me to have such a late start and feel much time has passed, still trying to overcome, but that’s the challenge, innit.
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I’m looking at starting DR:LD at the end of the month. I enjoy reading your posts since I realize I’m not alone. We both want out of this pain stuck on repeat, and we both battle ourselves to make even seemingly small changes.
Oh, to have a desire not be squashed so quickly by my own inner voice. That’d be something worth getting used to.
And regarding expressing love to a person, I still lock up. I see now I did so often when I was married. I’ve been noticing my feelings and thoughts when around the few women at work. Like there’s an emotional “oh SHIT!!” feeling. I tend to retreat vs. escalating.
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How am I feeling on Dragon ST2?
Doubts and boredom
I’m sure recon is playing a part in me “testing” and switching subs often, thinking that Dragon ST2 isn’t not working properly.
Still trying to fix my post narcissism syndrome - even going as far as wondering if my partner is a narcissist. Learning to trust again after a lifetime of being shamed for having “weaknesses” is a big thing to learn.
It was also my birthday and not one of my family members contacted. I discussed this with my partner, and realising that my normal of expecting very little on my birthday is NOT normal. She came through for me that day. Still feel like I’m not enough for her - for myself and for others and I still have the idea that I need to do something in order to be loved/accepted.
They said ST2 was difficult, two weeks in and I agree, adjusting to a slightly new mindset is difficult.
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Sabotage the child’s growth with shame and guilt because independence is threatening to the parent.
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Deny the above when confronted.
I see a need for a specialised subliminal just to deal with the after effects of being brought up with bad code. Genesis/LD/LBFH stack is too much.
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“Bad code” sounds pretty fitting.
I listened to Genesis and LBFH yesterday, and I’ve had undesirable issues on my mind this afternoon.
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Feeling guilty about leaving work earlier than normal (when I could have stayed) and
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Feeling guilty when my housemate is unhappy with something. Makes me not want to come home since something always seems off. I believe in taking responsibility, but carrying everyone else’s is not desirable.
Breaking “bad code” sounds desirable 
For me, “bad code” in this context translates to
“If anyone is unhappy, it’s your responsibility to make them happy”
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Genesis and DR LD is definitely doing it for me. But man does it go in waves. From “you got this” to “when is this pain going to go away”. It’s not easy facing the real feelings underneath all of it in the slightest for me. I still find myself detaching without realizing. Like kinking up a hose, the flow stops. I’ve identified it’s not just the fact the emotions get detached from but the meta feelings surrounding having those emotions in the first place. It’s such a convoluted thing.
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ST2 approaching three weeks
Still very drained from ST2 but a result as that ST2 is possibly getting rid of my background anxiety. I’m on work holiday but I’ve noticed the rumbling unease in the background that I’ve learned to cope with in my life has disappeared. Hmm… I just don’t have it anymore.
Feels kinda… boring.
@SaintSovereign previously suggested the recon boredom and switching up sub titles is when the breakthrough is round the corner. I’ve thought of ending ST2 numerous times because maybe I’m stubborn enough to just let go of the hard luck story of “the abused child”. Maybe feeling weak and powerless are tricks, convincing me to stop the progress made on Dragon Reborn?
Whoever said ST2 was difficult was right, but in a way that forces you out of decades of being in the world.
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Approaching the end of ST2
I think DR:LD has cracked the code.
I now feel such clarity and relaxation about myself now that I no longer have to think about conquering the past and hang on to my hard luck story. This is such a personal breakthrough that I now don’t need to constantly focus on my failures and defeats and plan for a clean slate.
(as an aside: I can deal with homesickness too because what I yearned for but never gained in family was swapped out for a calm home with my loving partner. It still upsets me that I received a “happy birthday” a day late…)
I’m also aware of another crippling belief - the fear of success! Why? Well, once picked out as the “faulty one”, I was never encouraged to blatantly show off and be proud of my wins, rather my failures were brought up and reinforced. I wasn’t allowed to shine, so that’s another belief I want to smash.
So interested to start DR ST3 and maybe even using Rebirth to turn the page.
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A few new things have happened
- started a new art training course
- moved to a much quieter shop
- have a bit more money in my hand💲
ST3 still has me chilled out and relaxed, rather weaning off the adrenaline addiction of expecting chaos and violence. Feeling bored is something I need to get used to, just to normalise peace. Still have to fight the urge to run away and towards what’s “comfortable”. Sometimes changing the environment is the first, biggest step to getting mentally healthier.
Expecting good things to happen, having loving people around me and pursuing my purpose ought to be the new norm from now on. Slowing coming out of my shell…
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Have you ever thought about how movies where people are getting traumatized and endangered are reframed, packaged, and sold to us as “action movies” and “entertainment”?
This is a deep insight!
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@RVconsultant this is why I’ve started to watch less TV series and start on my new paid-for art course, whilst coping with the fear (from my partner) of pulling away from her.
What I didn’t realise about ST3 was
constant, profound releasing and relaxation of the old. You can expect yourself to feel more and more relaxed as time goes by, with greater and greater levels of energy
I’ve been calling this relaxed state boredom, as if I had no right to be in a non-anxiety state. Maybe that needs to change.
you will also be supported by the Dragon Flight’s energy that opens your mind to grand possibilities
Mostly the things I’m not happy about are also coming to the surface - why am I away from my old big city, living a 2.4 domestic life, working full-time, getting bored and having dominant women teach me about life.
What I really want is being free enough to be creating fantastic paintings and mixing it up in the in the art world.
(Of course both scenarios can still happen, just not yet).
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What about running the new Ascension? How does it work for you, mate?
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I gave Ascension ZP2 a trial run a few weeks ago and am still eagerly awaiting its upgrade.
Frankly, I’ll need more than one cycle of Ascension to even feel a smallest of self respect - I’m still far too passive with no boundaries, cannot reveal my true self without fear of disapproval and I’m letting strong personalities pull me off my path. I may look masculine but my own energy is severely underdeveloped.
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What are you planning on listening to over the next 10 days?
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@rvconsultant I’ll need to finish up with DR ST3 for a cycle, whilst pairing it up with something, either a combination of Genesis, DR:LD or an alpha title. Something that will end the passivity and lack of masculinity.
@James I wouldn’t be brave enough to try LD with ST1, but that stack says force “hard reset”.
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That’s exactly what I want
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I think this is wise. I’m guessing you’re aiming for DR st4.
I have been reading your journal over the past year or so.
What are your thoughts on running Genesis for 45 days (along with DR), then re-evaluate if DR:LD would be a next step?
What are your thoughts of running DR st4 with Genesis, then perhaps also adding DR:LD (so you are eventually running 3 titles)? I wonder if that combination would blow away so many limits (DR st4 and DR:LD) and orient your existential compass (Genesis), that by the time you pick an alpha title, running the alpha title will feel easy and natural, almost as though it was impatiently waiting for you to listen to it.
Which alpha titles are you considering?
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