Genesis + RoD Back to Basics

Journals - Major Programs
#61

Find myself asking. Is this recon? Or am I just becoming aware of things I’ve suppressed?

I’m running Genesis to be in the physical more because I’ve been too detached for too long. But I don’t know. None of this is inspiring to me. Maybe I’m moving through some wealth blocks right now. There’s making money out of abundance and making money out of fear. Even some people making a lot of money are still operating from fear.

I’m just hitting a lot of dead ends. My current career path I don’t think I care enough about the specifics of it to go off and do self learning to build my skills. Or maybe I have to keep looking. I’m just burned out. Companies piss me off with how entitled they are and the unrealistic requirements they keep slapping on job descriptions.

Been at a standstill with my music. Haven’t been able to write without a lot of anxiety and stress.

This isn’t an unfamiliar feeling. I think maybe I’ve just painted over this with positivity over my life time and thought I did something about it. There’s a difference between wanting to feel a certain way about life vs how you actually feel. I’ve spent a lot of years in wanting. This has been the thing that chases me a lot, it feels like existentialism is born out of inability to appreciate life. And most of the time that inability to appreciate life is due to unresolved emotional pain.

Genesis has just been corralling me to face this stuff, but it’s so daunting. In short it sucks because most of society has the expectation that you don’t deal with any of this. There’s also that gut punch of a feeling that not everyone has to go through any of this and it doesn’t give me an edge in life or anything. This growth has to be for myself and myself only. Trying to prop myself up by comparison thinking I’m more aware, emotional in tune, or somehow on a path to greatness is gonna shoot myself in the foot. Cuz guess what? There’s someone already living that life. I don’t think there’s a silver lining to any of this, call me pessimistic but I’d rather make peace with the fact things went sideways and I’m fixing it now vs trying to elevate myself through some tale about how it all made me a better person. One of those is just denial wrapped up in a pretty bow.

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#62

Nah 110% screwed up listening to Genesis that much the other day.

I just realized I got caught up in the “what I should be capable of doing trap” so I listening too much. I can bypass my internal feelings to get things done, but it’s a bad habit. Just because i can do something doesn’t mean I should. Going to be more mindful of my internal state moving forward and respect it vs detaching for the sake of growth.

Rereading my experience the other day. That was just the push pull of dissociation I fall into. Zoning out excessively at the end should have been my red flag. Dammit.

#63

Too much exposure this week. Lesson learned. Taking it a day at a time. Lots of backed up emotions right now. No subs until this clears up. First clue should have been my typing errors. Yesterday I also left my place to go to work without my wallet and laptop, so yeah my brain isn’t running correctly this week.

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#64

Man Genesis hits so much at once.

I’ve pretty much established I push people away in my life a lot. But I take it to the extreme. I don’t want to subject people to such an unstable relationship I just cut myself off completely. I’m so uncomfortable with showing needs, insecurities, you know normal human emotions I just throw it all out. Worst thing I ever did was double down on my hyper independence model of reality thinking it was personal power.

I don’t know how to fix this. I mean I am in therapy for it, but it goes deep. I know having good people in my life is important but it won’t do much if they extend a hand and I refuse it in favor of drowning.

Why am I like this? Everything I struggle with seems minor but at the same time devastating towards quality of life.

#65

Yesterday I found myself looking up engines used for creating visual novels. I don’t have the stamina to learn game design at the moment, so I was looking to see if I could merge my music with an interactive story.

My two biggest roadblocks are I can’t actually draw or create visual art. But I was planning on it being more surreal and otherworldly, so 1 to 1 representation of realism wouldn’t be necessary. That might offer me some flexibility.

I kind of want to experiment with game design but as a form of art down the line. I just immediately shutdown when I think of all the stuff I have to learn and how much energy I already don’t have.

Story of my life though, heavily inspired and a burning desire to create but lacking the ability to execute.

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#66

This is another place where I’m excited about the potential of AI-tools. For me it’s like being able to partner with a talented artist who can collaborate to bring my visions into reality.

So far, I’ve experimented with Midjourney and Dall-E. They’re not quite what I need yet; but the potential is there.

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#67

I’m so conflicted with the AI stuff. Without the artists themselves who dedicated time for their craft it would be nothing.

I hope it advances enough where the AI can create a digital fingerprint of artists with all their eccentricities and uniqueness then automatically apply royalties for anyone that generates content off of that.

Of course I’m a bit of a hypocrite because I sample in my music. But to me it’s about the sheer quantity. The amount of artists work plagiarized at the click of a button is unfair. It’s just resource depletion to me.

I recognize the potential of it, but man ethically it rubs me the wrong way.

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#68

100%

It’s funny. I don’t actually use much sampling in my music. Unless we’re talking about the sampling of a basic snare drum or kick. I don’t even use extended pre-set drum patterns. It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with that necessarily; it’s more that I enjoy the process of creating something. It’s more satisfying for me to create my own somewhat simpler drum pattern.

But you’re right. Soon I may be abl to use an AI to generate my own version of a creative music video like A-Ha ‘Take On Me’. It took so much work and creativity to make that 1980’s video at the time. Now, the right generative model would be able to crank it out in moments.

I think I like your idea. We need to innovate technologies and structures of attribution and creative economic models (to pay the artists) that keep pace with these innovations of artistic generation, duplication, and repurposing.

Right now things are too one-sided.

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#69

Same here. I’ve learned there’s a time and place for sampling. Even when I do sample I try to challenge myself and creatively manipulate it to fit within the context of the mood I’m going for. But I’ve been trying to be less rigid when it comes to this because building everything from the ground up can be time consuming. I was pretty bad in my early years, insisting I create every single synth sound in my track from scratch. Felt like presets were “cheating”.

I really hope that’s coming down the pipe in some form. That’s my biggest concern. Since you grew up without smartphones I’m sure you’ve seen it too. The lack of clear ethics in place regarding social media and the manipulation creep where everyone was too deep to understand what happened. Intentionally driving addiction patterns in people. Technology moved too fast and it feels like we’re heading down the same path with AI. It undoubtedly has its strengths, but there’s some glaringly obvious flaws as well.

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#70

I realized “wanting to feel better” is not a good goal.

I sent in a support ticket today to see what kind of recommendations they could make based on my sticking points. Biggest one was my crippling fear of mistakes. At this point it’s more of a stressful conditioned response due to my childhood. It really hit me yesterday while working on a track and getting absolutely stressed out if I didn’t get things right. This stress is with me all the damn time even in the most minor situations.

I might have to drop RoD to make space for something else. I’ll be continuing with paragon because my health isn’t great and chronic stress has done a number on me. I like RoD, but at the moment it’s not providing a crucial function to my life.

Genesis I will be staying on for certain. It’s been unpacking a lot. As I unpack more I get clarity into what impedes me vs a big ball of suck that makes me feel like giving up.

#71

Genesis has been really tough for me or rather it’s been opening me up to things already held inside myself.

I’ve been going through a lot of healing in general lately. I’ve gone from “why me, it’s hopeless, I’m just a messed up person” to “this sucks, but what can I do about it now to be better to myself?”

There’s been a lot of anger, a lot of pain, a lot of sadness. In order to heal I needed to connect the past and open my eyes up to what my life was really like growing up so I can unlearn these patterns. It’s been unpleasant, the truth hurts, but my habits only held in place a role I created for myself that wasn’t my authentic self.

I’ll be honest I feel like I’m not open to positive experiences yet. But I hope they come anyway because if I’ve learned one thing its that you can’t wait until you’re ready in life, you’ll be waiting forever.

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#72

I couldn’t resist a run of DRLD today. Doing my new listening routine I’ve been sticking with. Just listening till I feel sort of “full”. A bit over 30s. No need to push past my capacity. Kind of abandoning rigid listening and embracing intuitive listening. If I can go beyond 30s I will, but if it feels like I’m straining obviously I’ll hold off. Basically trying to avoid overstimulation. I can feel even at 30s I"m just at the threshold of a bit too much. That leads me to believe either A. I’m more sensitive to these subs or B. I have unconscious unresolved stress and my diminished capacity to absorb more of the sub is due to my already high stress levels. I’m gonna go with B cuz I don’t think I’m that unique.

These past few days my eyes have been opened. Word for word what DRLD description mentioned. I can’t put into words just how much of a headtrip it is when you see the threads in your life that pull at you in different ways. But I knew even before this title was dropped I needed to double down on that and get freedom.

Genesis no doubt helped do some harder digging, but this alone from DRLD. Just wow, more than I could ever ask for to overcome what I’ve struggled with.

That’s why Dragon Reborn: Limit Destroyer contains scripting that acts like an aura of protection, helping you to distance yourself from those who drain your spirit. We’ve also included scripting that helps fortifies your mental and emotional domains against manipulation. Like a sentinel standing guard, this feature ensures that no unseen strings pull you from your chosen path. You’ll regain sovereignty over your decisions and interactions — and as such, your energies remain undiluted and focused on your true purpose. Through heightened intuition and discernment, you’ll find that bonds with toxic individuals gently unravel, leaving you surrounded by those who uplift and inspire.

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#73

Man been a few minutes since that loop. This sub is gonna work extra well for me because I’m already fully onboard with action doing what I can to get freedom. This is just jet fuel for the process.

What echoes in my head. “You’re not responsible for your parent’s happiness”. Obvious right? But the emotional weight I’ve carried from that is huge. I’m not saying DRLD swept this out in the past few minutes. No. But it is letting me feel it, validate it, embrace it without guilt. These are concepts I’ve been trying to drill into my head for a few months now but I’ve struggled to “get” it on an emotional level.

This is the kind of mindfuckery you get due to a dysfunctional environment growing up. And this is the kind of stuff that holds you back from living your own fulfilling life.

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#74

Had interesting dream sequences last night. I would have scenes play out, “solve” them, then wake up, then repeat. It was like rapid fire emotional processing.

When I got up this morning I felt different. I wanted to write music today. I felt like "this is my life and if I want spend a majority of my day working on music nobody has the right to say I should be prioritizing something else. I have a job, I have a place to live, my time is my time.

Will see how this manifests in a music session. I’ve already got something I’ve been working on finishing. But I feel like I’ve had some blocks to creative expression, “doing it wrong”. As ridiculous as it sounds, yes I second guess all my intuitive decisions when it comes to making music. I’ve realized this has more to do not being connected to my own emotions vs musical ability itself.

To give you an example, last week I spent almost an hour trying to decide if a parameter on my synth was at the “right” setting for my track. If I had listened to what I wanted deep down, then I could translate that into technical knowledge. But my problem was, as I so often do, heavily intellectualizing something as a substitute for understanding my emotions. At the core I’m not good at making decisions and I think that really stems from the fact that my needs have never been first in my life so even something as simple as making music gets funneled through the channel of externally validating against something else. Doesn’t have to be other people’s perception of music, it can be reading up on sound design, studying basslines, studying other tracks. Those things are ok for knowledge seeking, but after a certain point you have to understand what do you want? What do you want to do here? If you can’t answer that question all the other stuff becomes irrelevant, you won’t find an answer seeking outside knowledge.

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#75

Do you think change is dangerous?

Do you have a sense that your existence is threatened if there is any change to who you think you are?

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#76

Logically no. Emotionally yes. To elaborate I don’t have a lot of trust in myself to handle how rough things can get sometimes. Finding opportunities to change has been tough because I can’t make big leaps so I have to work small.

That’s a complicated one. I can’t really answer. I don’t really know who I am or have much of a strong sense of identity to begin with. There are aspects of me that stand out, but it doesn’t feel like a whole person.

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#77

I’m sitting here wondering. Is this planet gonna make it?

Don’t know if it’s Genesis or DRLD but I just had a major zoom out on existence on the planet right now.

Most people are in denial about death, it never feels like it’s gonna come for you until you start getting older. Same thing with this planet. At the current rate things are going it’s not gonna survive. Kind of puts things into perspective and how much stress is passed around in jobs when it ultimately doesn’t matter. We’re all destined for death at some point, chill the fuck out. New goal moving forward is to not be budged an inch by these minor things or manipulated by others based on their own heightened emotions.

I thought if I focused on my path, made the most of my life, it could offset these feelings. But idk, doesn’t feel enough. Or maybe that’s just an externalization of an internal process of not prioritizing my own needs. Still I can’t help but feel there’s an active denial in order to cope with the world we’re in that I’d rather not have as a suppressed energy.

#78

I gotta stay off the caffeine…

I’ve been back on it, completely screwed up buying a pack of energy drinks. Most people drink caffeine for productivity, I just do it to distance myself from my feelings. I’m 100% using it like a drug and need to stop.

Sometimes I just go into work and it’s like “I’m dealing with shit, caffeine, robot mode, depression later”. Bad bad cycle.

Since I started Paragon my attention has been brought to it. I started taking Taurine and I was like “now I can have all the caffeine I want!”. Well the energy crash isn’t there, but man the dopamine hit is really rough. What goes up must come down, unless I start getting into balancing dopamine. But now I just sound like a drug addict trying to rationalize my addiction.

SO yeah. My last post here was really somber and depressing because that’s where I was at.

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#79

Have you tried the Bio-tuner at SOTA instruments?

#80

Never heard of it prior to today. I’ll have to take a look later.