@RVconsultant When you get a chance can you PM me? I wanted to change my name on the forum but I didn’t want the request to show up publicly.
Was reading through the WB thread again and ran into this. I just laughed to myself and said “yes lets upset the balance, lets turn it all on its head and introduce chaos”.
I feel like the risk taking from Genesis is catapulting me into this decision to run WB. My life has been all about holding back and planning or preparing. Playing things safe and analyzing. It’s time I throw all that out and just experience life in a different way to build balance.
Give me the chaos, give me the humor, give me the absurdity. Remind me that life on this planet doesn’t have to be serious.
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First WB insights.
Generally I’m a pretty withheld person. For most of my life I thought I needed to keep healing until I could be super open with everyone. Now I’m just like why? I don’t owe people shit and the people I respect and trust can get access to that inner world, I’m not gonna just hand it out.
So yeah. Who I am, the events that shaped me, it’s all part of my life. And what some people perceive as flaws in my character don’t need to be changed. Funny how the ones who always pointed it out as a problem were always the manipulative ones.
No more people pleasing and no more trying to become something else to make other people comfortable. If you have a problem with who I am that’s your problem, not mine. I’m done apologizing for who I am. It’s not even like these are toxic traits, people just want to poke and prod because I don’t fit in their box.
So far I’m liking this shift in zp. Become legendary indeed.
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It’s okay to have a name change request show up publicly.
Eh it’s probably too late anyway. Whoever wanted to snoop has already snooped. Talking about lurkers or non forum members mostly. This handle on the forum isn’t unique to here.
But anyway can you change my user name to the following ?
Fractal_Reality_Explorer
20 characters max.
My bad
Fractal_Explorer
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You didn’t know.
You’ve also gone from all lower case to capitalizing the first letters of each word.
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Appreciate the help!
The capitalizing is interesting now that you point it out. A few years back I read a book on handwriting analysis. Wonder if the choice to use capital letters in my name this time around signifies a psychological shift into placing more importance on myself.
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Hmmmm… are you sure it’s not a pLaCeBo effect? 
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Found myself thinking about customs and for the first time in my history of subclub I was like “you have no idea how to build a useful one”. And it’s true. To build a custom you have to have a clear goal. To have a clear goal you have to understand yourself. But man I wish main titles from the store had name embedding, I miss that.
Anyway Genesis is still wiping the floor with me. What do I want? Who am I? Combined with DRLD it’s been rough. I peel back the layers more and more and what I thought was myself was just responses to early life events. It’s like “oh so this is who I am? Oh no? That’s just more trauma? Cool let’s keep going”
The messed up thing is subconsciously my parents don’t want me exploring this. I’ve tried to be open, but they just want the representation of me they’ve built in their heads. And subconsciously my habit of feeling responsible for their emotional well being has me not changing. It’s like being anchored down. As ridiculous as it is being 32 years old and still having that influence in my life. They don’t even live near me, but it’s this constant pressure. This is pretty much what happens when you’re not given the space to form your own identity in childhood. I just became this amorphous blob that shifts into whatever people want from me. Hate it so much.
Trying not to take it all too seriously and make a drama out of it. But it’s tough. I know Genesis is all about exploration, but I feel like I can’t even do that until I have strong preferences or inclinations in my life. I have to want it for me. Right now things are so fucked up inside my own head there’s no clear delineation between my desires vs coping mechanisms.
So that’s where things are at. I threw WB in here because I just needed something bold and spicy to shake things up. Zero rationale behind it, pure impulse, maybe I just missed that rogue energy that allows me to rip through life not giving a shit.
Truthfully the one thing I can say I’ve desired is power over my own reality. This assuredness that things will be ok, people don’t hold power over me, jobs don’t hold me captive due to financial fears, I can pursue what I want without that nagging feeling that it’ll go up in flames and I’ll end up homeless. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m one step away from being on the streets. That I’m an imposter and fumbled my way into a higher role in my company. That outside of this company I’ll just start low on the social ladder and just be kicked around and do nothing.
I’m haunted by past perceived failures. My life doesn’t really feel like I’ve achieved anything. It just feels like I was corraled into some existence I tolerate. I’m going to change this, but it feels like the messy floor keeps getting messier as I pull more crap out of hidden places.
Goddamn
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This is deep, dude!
How do you know the difference?
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It’s really abstract. Even more so for me due to the fact that I’ve had a lifetime of just not understanding or validating my own emotions.
It always boils down to “who am I doing this for?” And it’s wild how far back you can trace something that at surface level seemed to originate from you as an idea you came up with. But the more you look at it you see there’s some influence in place that formed that idea.
That’s kind of where I’m at, the lines are blurred. Do I want this? Or did someone else want this? Or did I think this thing will fulfill some symptom of emotional damage? I think it’s inevitable we are all influenced by something or someone, but it’s more about free will and choosing to reject or accept that influence, not be blindly led by it with subconscious impulses that drag you around.
It’s subtle but it’s there. I can identify the difference, I just can’t commit to my desires fully without something else tugging at it.
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Perhaps: if I do X, what is the result, and is that the result I want?
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A good way to simplify things definitely. I’ll have to start reframing my interaction with life in a more experience based way. I keep circling back to that but rarely do it. So that’s where I get stuck.
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Here’s a tricky one. Since I ran DRLD today.
Detaching from negative influences. I have to make DAMN sure I’m actually in the presence of negative influences in my life vs a lack of clear communication and showing up honestly. I suck at relationships, just flat out. It’s easier to find a negative moment, zero in on it, then use that as an excuse to cut things off to escape further pain. But that’s not the way.
These are the hard truths I’m being met with lately. Luckily I have enough awareness most of the time to sit with these things and not make hasty decisions. But every once in a while it creeps in. Old gets mixed with present, assumptions are made that aren’t true, avoidance behaviors trigger. And that’s the trauma cycle in a nutshell.
I want to be a better person. I’m so afraid of inadvertently hurting people around me with these behaviors I just shut people out all together. But that’s a ridiculous notion. At some point in my life I will hurt someone and part of being responsible is understanding how to deal with that. Maybe I can’t always control my actions or behavior, but I can take responsibility for them. That much I know.
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I had to put my cat to sleep today. He’s been with me through all my major life events, all my ups and downs, he’s been my support through the years. I’m struggling a lot with not having him in my life anymore. His passing inevitably made me think of my own life and if this is how I want to live.
So much of my life has been filled with hopelessness, bleakness, and pain. His passing opened me up emotionally in a way where for the first time I was able to see and understand there’s more to me than I present to most people. It’s this hidden part of myself that blocks me from deeper relationships and connection with people. The more vulnerable side.
This isn’t a one and done thing, not by a long shot. I know I have a journey ahead of me. But I really want to see a life for myself where I’m not suffering a lot of the time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this is that I am still having a hard time in life. I’m working through it all, but I don’t want to feel the need to hide this anymore from people.
Once again Genesis helping me explore the parts of myself that have been neglected for years. I couldn’t tell you what my purpose is. But I know more and more each day what I deserve out of life. Maybe I’ll figure it out soon, maybe not. I don’t think this is one of those things you can think up an answer to. I think there has to be growth in other more foundational areas to give you the space to explore something like purpose. You can’t really figure out your purpose if you’re stuck in survival mode all the time which is a low consciousness state.
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I’m sorry.
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Went skateboarding with my brother yesterday. Despite not being on the board in about 5 years I still was able to land a few tricks.
Despite going through a lot of emotional pain right now I’ve been staying consistent with my stack.
I’m going to be polishing up my resume then looking for a new job. Had it with the environment in this one. I’m going to try to find another IT job where its not a profit driven business. Fuck everything about this shit. People are constantly at war at me because I want them to have an ounce of responsibility when it comes to using a computer. I’m sorry it’s 2023, you don’t get to put proficiency with the Microsoft suite and then dump your incompetence on me.
Don’t get me wrong I help people who are kind about it. But if you come to me with entitlement and a chip on your shoulder we’re gonna bang heads. Not putting up with these people anymore. I’ve had it, I’ve seen my childhood trauma play out the exact same way in a work environment. Hell the environment im in now is just a reflection of what I thought about myself for years.
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