Genesis + RoD Back to Basics

Journals - Major Programs
#121

DRLD coming in heavy.

I was chatting with my brothers today about family stuff. Part of my growth is acknowledging the past. My childhood is very blurry. Something interesting that happened was my brother’s sharing distinct memories from childhood that I couldn’t even access. The way this popped up in our conversation though was healing for all three of us.

I’ve had a lot of doubts about my past childhood experiences. But my brothers being able to pick out super vivid memories and explain in detail what happened was definitely a manifestation from DRLD. I couldn’t reach it on my own so it was like an outward manifestation helping me out.

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#122

Some random cool stuff.

When I was hanging out with my brother yesterday he mentioned downsizing his apartment. He didn’t want his 60 inch smart tv anymore so he offered it to me for free. I’ve been rocking a 20in LCD TV from 2018 so it was a nice upgrade lol.

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#123

Still in a lot of pain from the loss of my cat. But I told myself this isn’t the time to slip into complacency and let the world steamroll me. I’m taking care of myself, but I’m trying to transmute the grief into energy of change. Part of that change is strongly tied to DRLD because I’m sick of compromising my own health for others. Dealing with this grief and the very physical symptoms that go along with it has strengthened my boundaries. I don’t care what people think, I don’t care how some people are going to want to accuse me of being too sad over just a pet, or that other people think I need to stay busy and get back to work. I’m doing what’s good for me.

A few days ago I was able to express all my feelings in a song I created in memory of him. It was purely from the heart and even though I didn’t consciously know what I was doing I captured how I felt.

My friend was telling me there’s a blue moon this month, along with being a supermoon. I’m not too great with astrology, but she told me this is a good time to set intention for reinvention and change. I will be fully taking advantage of that with these subs.

WB loop upped to 1 min this morning. Will be testing this out. I might have to also re-calibrate listening time on my other subs in my stack as well. Will report later today how I feel.

But I have to say WB hits different just listening to the sub. I get this massive dopamine hit in my brain. I think my subconscious really likes what it’s hearing in the script. I’ve been trying to understand where the threshold is for listening with these subs by gauging my body’s energy vs my emotions. WB makes me feel excited which can easily be confused with the familiar anxiety of overwhelm, so I have to find something else that signals enough. Saint had mentioned his body gets warmer, but I’m not sure if I experience that.

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#124

Not entirely certain if I’ll stick to 1 min loops. Maybe I’m not ready for this yet. Found myself zoning out at work trying to process things. Couldn’t focus. But I’m also going through some heavy grieving so not the best time. Maybe I should stick to 30s until I’m more stable. We’ll see. My self growth is more important than work productivity so maybe I need to stop limiting my own potential for someone else’s gain. 30s is less disruptive though, conflicted. Will have to see if it happens again. I can’t be afraid of overexposure all the time.

#125

Heaven on earth. More than anything that’s what I want at this point.

The other day I was having some wild philosophies and connections on how Dante’s Inferno and the representation of the 9 circles of hell are an internal place within the own mind. A Hell you can get stuck in due to trauma. I have to re-read the Divine Comedy again. But the circles of hell were very very similar to trauma responses. The ninth circle being the deepest which i took to mean as the internal critic within oneself in CPTSD terms who is constantly torturing you.

I think humans by their nature are very symbolic. After all our dreams are symbolic, the language of the subconscious still isn’t fully known. We have art and writings through the years all depicting different symbols, but when you “decode” them a lot of the time they seem similar. Which makes sense, we’re all humans.

What am I getting at here… Well for starters I’ve always had a sense of impending doom. Even as a kid. As an adult I started taking that sense of doom and looking for outside reasons as to why it was there. This left me in a cycle of despair because I thought I was seeing the “truth”. When really I was just seeing what my internal state wanted me to see. Essentially yeah, as above so below.

It kind of sucks when the support system around you can’t really support you because they’re stuck in their own patterns too. I realize this now with my whole family. I realize the pure and utter dysfunction that I took as normal.

Just need things to make sense in my life, but nothing does.

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#126

I finished a therapy session today and I just unlocked more stuff.

What the hell man. Why is it so hard for me to just accept the past and acknowledge this wasn’t my fault?

My therapist was saying I can’t make any progress if I can’t own these things as truths. And I get it, but I’m just stuck. I feel like it was my fault. I should have been a certain way, I should have done things better, I shouldn’t have been so sensitive.

I was talking with another friend a few weeks back about childhood and recurring nightmares. I learned that’s not actually normal to have nightmares so frequently. I remember it pretty clearly because it was always so messed up. In my dream I’d be in my room, but a monster would peek out of the closet and watch me. I’d try to go over and close the door but one of two things would happen. I’d try to close the door and get dragged into a dark closet and killed. Or on my way to the closet it would bust out and grab me and tear off my limbs then bite off my head. It was either that or a dream in the backyard and as comical as it seems trees grabbing me and eating me, like those things from Mortal Kombat. My nightmares were always me trying helplessly to defend myself and dying.

Those types of dreams don’t come out of nowhere and they mean something about my childhood.

I’ve been staring at this post for hours now trying to convey how I feel. To live with all this crap for years and constantly have the finger pointed at me for the troubles I face in life.

I know I’m getting closer to freedom. This is just some of the hardest shit I’ve ever had to do.

#127

To feel intensely about a wrong without voicing or expressing that feeling is the beginning of disease – dis-ease – in both body and environment. Do not entertain the feeling of regret or failure for frustration or detachment from your objective results in disease.

Opened up my Neville ebook and this popped up. Maybe I need to give it a reread. I’m no longer looking for answers directly ,just taking in perspectives and applying it to my own life to find my own answers.

This quote aligns with how I’ve been feeling lately.

I notice this forum can feel like a safe place to express these ideas and thoughts. But it’s limited usefulness if it doesn’t get turned into action.

#128

Hitting my 5 days of rest starting today.

One thing that’s been very apparent to me is I’m holding back the WB aura. I have to consciously intervene in order to allow it to project, as well as the intense sexual energy. There’s a hesitance/fear. Possibly sexual hangups. It’s hard to describe, if I go about my day and focus on something else there’s an inner tension that’s always there. But if I sit with myself and allow it, it flows. The issue is I don’t have the capability to split my attention in two ways like that while I’m going about my day.

Still debating if this is a sign to decrease exposure or just a typical block I have to get through to align more with the goals. I’m kinda jumping on a bullet train with this sub, but that’s the goal.

@AnswerGroup Would support be able to answer questions like this? I genuinely don’t know when to cut back on exposure at times because I don’t want to cut off momentum to breaking through a block.

Forgot @Forum_Ambassadors too

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#129

Here is the missing link for you:

  1. Identify appropriate Action Contexts and Action Applications

  2. Then use those contexts and those applications as tangible indexes to determine Exposure Intervals and Rest/Processing Intervals.

That way you don’t have to guess, wonder, or doubt about abstract or generic guidelines or principles. The decision to take a break or push through will be more practically grounded.

Also, don’t relate to the above two points as yet more abstract guidelines. Just try them out.

  1. What kind of desired actions are really appropriate for me to work on right now?

(That is an experiential question. Not a sitting and thinking one. So give yourself a few weeks or more—or as much time as it takes—to find the current answer to it. And as you keep growing, you’ll need to re-ask and re-explore it again and again.)

  1. One you’ve connected with appropriate Contexts and Applications of Action, observe your responses and your energy levels. How difficult is this for me right now? How long does it take for me to feel tired? What are my ongoing responses to effort and action in this area?

This is Listening to your System and Listening to your Body and allowing it to provide you with high-level information and calibrative guidance. It’s a blind-spot (and a potentially untapped resource) for a lot of people (especially ‘Thinking and Analysis’-heavy people).

Intentionally yoke your subliminals to meaningful action contexts. Apply compassionate, healthy, and balanced standards to those action contexts. (For example: ‘Take the long view; the big-picture view’, ‘Treat myself well, like a caring friend’, ‘Rest, added to effort, is the foundation of building strength, it is not an obstacle to strength’, and so on.)

A balanced approach to subliminals use will then occur relatively organically and automatically.

The short version:

Focus on observing and feeling your actions and experiences more than on measuring your subliminals-related responses; then healthy governance of your subliminals-approach will happen naturally.

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#130

I think I got myself in a screwed up feedback loop.

Low to no action → listen to subliminals to spur action and feel better-> even less energy → dont listen to my system because I dont want to fall behind so I keep listening

I’ll have to read this again later on today. I keep scaling back my sub exposure and I just worry sometimes it’s my avoidance. But I guess having measurable things and actions I either carry out or don’t will clear that up.

My relationship with my internal system is complicated. It kept me safe in the past but from society’s view I was very dysfunctional. I still have a very “is this ok to do?” mentality towards those internal needs.

I know I still battle with discomfort when it comes to taking care of myself. That whole post you wrote really highlights that for me and why I’m so stop and go with these subs. I treat myself like a machine with input and output with no consideration for the dynamics of life

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#131

Even this, I disagree with.

You are not in a screwed-up feedback loop.

You’re just getting your bearings.

And you’re doing it well.

When you say, “I think I got myself in a screwed up feedback loop”; for me, that’s like someone who wrote the first chapter of a book saying, ‘Damn. I screwed up the ending!’. In my view, you’re nowhere near the ending.

I think that anxiety just pushes you to make premature judgments and evaluations.

The fact (in my 100% fallibly human estimation) is that you’re very much in-process and in-progress.

It’s too early to be “screwed up”. You are squarely in ‘Observation and Course Correction’ territory.

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#132

Now that I’m in my second day of rest it’s more apparent I got caught up in my overworked survival mode. The one where I tune out my body just to get things done and then get stuck there.

I’m ramping down which feels like a sort of crash. But that’s been a lot of my life. I’ve never really had consistency. Trying to change that moving forward.

I don’t think I really factored in my cat passing and how that would effect my processing ability. I’m seeing now I expected too much of myself too fast after that. I compartmentalize stuff a lot , grief here, WB goals here, music there, life purpose here, trauma there. I think I can contain them in neat little boxes with no spillover but that’s not how it works.

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#133

Yup feeling terrible. And my first reaction is thinking if I run another loop of my subs I’ll feel better. But this is where the real growth is at.

Just been feeling incredibly unattractive. But avoiding improving it in any way. It’s complicated.

What kicked it off was some pictures taken of me at a get together. Got to see what I look like from the outside and probably 90% of the time. Didn’t like what I saw at all. I was also feeling particularly crappy that day and it showed in my posture. So now I have a mental image of how that comes across to others. Would be nice to see pictures of myself and not cringe, so I’m gonna see what I can do.

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#134

Gonna take this as a WB discovery. My posture has always been crap. Super tense, pulled in and withdrawn. It’s been a losing battle trying to relieve tension and stretch when I deal with stress reinforcing old body habits.

Learned today when your jaw is at rest the teeth aren’t supposed to touch. Had no idea. Releasing that jaw tension I’m able to relax into a more upright posture without effort. Head position is so important with posture and I could never get it into the proper position because of the tension I held in my jaw.

Those pictures really did make me reflect. I’m not being overly judgemental towards myself because I’ve been through some mental hell in my life. But I guess it never occured to me just how much it’s not exactly hidden. So among my friends it’s ok. But first impressions? Probably not great. It’s that collapsed body language that leaks through.

I expend a lot of energy trying to come across confident in my life. So when I don’t have the willpower it really shows. And as crappy as it feels I don’t want to keep going for a bandaid solution and trying to appear a certain way over the top of something else.

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#135

Reflecting more on how I’ve been running these subs.

Been at this for a while, made improvements, learned some things. There’s always a tendency to want to be further ahead than I am.

But I took time yesterday, didn’t even meditate or anything. Just laying in my bed and asked myself “is this really more beneficial than taking it easy?” The answer is no.

If I’m capable of change at a certain rate or speed at this point in time, no amount of subliminal exposure will change that. I need to back off because right now I sometimes go weeks of recon for a gain that might not even be there. It’s a desperate survival based mentality, I put aside my needs and think if I keep pushing I’ll come out the other side. But it’s been destroying me because it’s built on an expectation that isn’t even true.

When I get back on my stack I’m going to be a lot more mindful of what I feel I can handle and not be afraid to take more rest in between listens. if that only means one 30s loop a week so be it. Pain is transformational if you can do something with it. If you can’t it’s just suffering and doesn’t have merit. But honestly the idea of building yourself up from challenges has been misrepresented in day to day life by people. Healthy challenges yes, they help you grow. Deeper trauma based challenges? Absolutely not, the only thing my thick head has to learn from those is being nicer to myself. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is a myth. Scientifically been proven early life stressors don’t build more resilience, it actually does the opposite and opens you up for more sensitivity to it in the future.

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#136

Despite Genesis being about the physical, I have found myself diving head first into the mechanics of reality.

Actions without intent behind it to me are far worse than no action at all. The first one you’re throwing your energy away. I’ve given my energy away to a lot of things in my life, things that don’t even reward me in return.

So I’m really slowing down. Becoming more mindful in my living. I need to chill, give myself space, and explore. Stop this undercurrent of panic that I’m never gonna reach what I want and die with regrets. None of this shit is getting me anywhere faster so it’s best I drop it. I live in a perpetual state of fear and I’m tired of it.

I feel my emotions flowing more. A few days ago it was just this overwhelm I couldn’t release. Learning to relax more muscles in my body has helped release stored emotions.

I don’t know what I’m doing, but I never really knew anyway so it’s not a big deal. Now it’s just about turning down this unending anxiety and enjoying life more.

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#137

Sorry your cat died.

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#138

Thanks. I had to make the tough call of having him euthanized before the cancer got worse. One of the most difficult things I’ve been through and I’m still going through.

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#139

WB isn’t just powerful. It’s very intimidating for me.

Maybe that’s just me allowing more of myself to show in the world and the fear that comes with it.

In any case stuck with a 30 sec loop today. Going to see how long it takes for things to truly settle from that.

I’m definitely building a growing understanding of how to really use these subs. Ironically enough I was running more loops throughout the week than I could personally handle because I wanted to just skip right over the deep emotional work and just get to the good stuff. Thinking if I just kept going I would “break through”.

I’m gonna be honest I really struggle with my life sometimes. Sometimes going at a pace that’s healthy for me is unappealing because it just seems so damn slow and I’ve already lost so much of my time to crap. But like I said in a previous post, it’s an illusion that I can just bypass that so it doesn’t make any sense to push it. I only hurt myself in the long run.

But damn the trifecta of no romance, limited finances, and a draining career is such a recipe for depression. It can feel like trying to escape one thing triggers another behavior that just sucks me back in. But that’s why I’m running Genesis because I know deep down I feel stuck and trapped.

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#140

@ksub Asking here in my journal because I don’t want to derail saint’s. Can you elaborate on how LBFH helped?

I have tried it and it was too much for me. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s that simple of a solution for me. Yes I have a deficit of self love, but it’s not as easy as just turning on the self love tap and letting it flow.

I’m sticking with Genesis for now because of the emphasis on external experiences. I’m trying to cultivate positive experiences to help me shift my mentality. Right now positive self talk towards myself is met with suspicion. I’m better off being more neutral than trying to pump myself up as messed up as it sounds. I’ve got a long history of “shit I’ve tried that hasn’t gotten me out of the hole”. Trying to cultivate self love internally is one of them.

I would like to know your experience with it. When I ran it, to be blunt it kinda sucked and I couldn’t stick out the recon. I recognize the value of it. In execution, I just don’t think it’s the one for me.

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