Genesis + RoD Back to Basics

Journals - Major Programs
#141

Been chatting with a girl on tinder and we’re getting along and it’s been cool. She actually holds a conversation and shows active interest in me, what a novel concept lol. I don’t even waste my time anymore with the ones that don’t put in their 50%.

But it got me thinking about WB and my goals. Speaking honestly seduction just seems corny as hell to me. To me. I want to emphasize that. If you’re comfortable with it and it works for you keep doing your thing. But the whole mating dance, even when women act sexy trying to entice men I just think to myself “this is kinda awkward”. I don’t know, people imitating what they think is attractive from media and stuff vs connecting with themselves.

I’m gonna keep going with WB. It’s definitely an experiment for me. But I’m looking to see what works for me. What’s my authentic attractive style. It’s definitely not seduction or wooing women. It’s more like “this is me, if you like it you like it, if you don’t move along I don’t have time for bs”. But also not some try hard machismo lame act.

I don’t know. Trying to learn to just be myself, just be and have myself be attractive. No wondering what to say, how to say it, some stupid arbitrary rules and power dynamics I don’t care about. From the few girls I have attracted in my life, I feel like they were more attracted to some idea of me vs who I actually was as a person. And I’m tired of that. Tired of feeling like I have to hide myself or maintain some level of interest by projecting some image of who I’m not.

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#142

I’m back in my Genesis and DRLD stack today. Being more liberal with my rest days.

As part of my growth and overall owning of my life I feel like posting some personal stuff. I was verbally abused as a kid by my dad. He just did not have control of his anger. And some people will say “oh well he didn’t hit you so it’s not that bad”. But it doesn’t matter, I know how it affected me in life. I’ve seen the results of it. I’m not a fight type. If going by Pete Walker’s definition I’m more of a freeze/fawn. That means I people please and get stuck in situations I shouldn’t be in. I kept the peace in the house growing up by tip toeing around him and navigating that minefield. I didn’t turn into some confrontational assertive guy. Which is even worse because society just loves to kick guys who don’t play up to traditional masculinity. I’ve been a target all my life because people sniff this out.

I’m bringing this up because more and more every day I start to see that’s not me. I beat myself up for most of my life that I went through that and couldn’t just come out the other side. I felt I was this weak, helpless, spineless coward. But the question is now who am I beyond this and who can I be? I guess this ties into shadow work, but the more I suppressed this and harbored it as some deep secret and the guilt associated with it, the more I acted in ways congruent with it. The trauma from it hindered my growth, but it doesn’t define me.

Moving forward I don’t want to fall into any situations where these old patterns play out and the abusers go on their merry way. Keeping the peace was a survival strategy, but I see now it was an unbalanced one because I wasn’t allowed to develop assertiveness as a child. And this hurts me in all walks of life. But it’s a balance , you can’t walk around all the time ready to tear someone’s head off as a form of prevention or safety.

It’s wild that bad stuff can happen to me in my life and I still have this underlying feeling of “you didn’t do enough to overcome this”.

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#143

DRLD has me working emotional double time today.

Releasing myself from the burdens of my past. Whatever I thought I did or didn’t do and screwed up I’m letting go. I did the best I could do with the resources I was given.

For years I ignored my family dysfunction. I blamed myself and only myself. And it’s pretty obvious now after all these years why I couldn’t reference or model anything to help me get through life.

I’m meeting with my therapist again this week and we’re going to work on some more emotionally charged events from my childhood to release from.

It definitely hurts and it feels claustrophobic. But I know these feelings are always here, I just distract myself from them. So it’s time to start sitting with them more.

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#144

I appreciate DRLD, but it is like running into a brick wall sometimes. It has me reflect deeply on things though. Breaks me out of the go go go fear based mentality.

Yesterday was a rest day and today will be one as well. I had a lot of grief and pain come up from no longer having my cat with me. But it was mixed with this feeling that due to subconscious beliefs I let my job take advantage of me and I had less energy to be present with my cat. Which then triggered my childhood memories of my own mom being too tired to provide emotional nurturing.

And it’s just one of those things where you try as hard as you can but you can’t give people around you what they need from a relationship.

My mom always told me growing up that I’d never be free of depression or anxiety, that it’s just who I am and who her side of the family was. A hereditary curse she’d call it. Every step of the way when I opened up to her and wanted to be honest, she put me in this metaphorical box and told me things that made her feel comfortable but hurt my growth. Despite her telling me she wanted me to live a fulfilling life, it was impossible to talk to her about the barriers that caused it. I still get this behavior today. It’s been hard reconciling this. When people say one thing, but their actions display a deeper subconscious belief.

Needless to say I’ve been getting a very clear roadmap as to where all this dysfunction stems from. And because I’m able to trace it back I see it’s not the truth of reality I was so immersed in for years. But goddamn, to be led astray by the people you trusted the most hurts.

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#145

Don’t mind me, just having a recon rant.

I get the importance of action, but I’m really struggling with that lately.

I mean I’m really struggling with WHAT to do with my life. I just know when I’m making music and expressing myself everything just feels right.

But trying to run a creative endeavor like a business or product kills it immediately for me. On the flipside I have a constant yearning for more beyond a hobby that only gets so many hours of attention.

I haven’t even pursued that path and just thinking about it burns me out, so how can I even take steps towards it?

It would be different if I was consistent with what I write and also if I had more feedback on my music. That would give me a boost to keep going. But right now I’m inconsistent, I get really stressed and tired when trying to write, and my music isn’t heard by anyone. I don’t know how to fix this and it depresses me. I’ve tried to write music for a good amount of years now, but I feel like i still hit the same roadblocks that held me back years ago. Something just feels wrong with my mind and its inability to just do things.

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#146

This sounds like Outside-In thinking; which works for some people.

But you may be more wired for Inside-Out thinking.

Outside-In: I look around at the patterns in the world and get a sense of what is well-received and what people want. Then I learn the skills and adjust myself in order to adapt successfully to those patterns.

Inside-Out: I get very familiar with who I am, what I do, what inspires, moves, and motivates me. Then I work on finding out how to best present that to the world to serve and to meet people’s needs, desires, etc.

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#147

I most definitely would prefer inside out. Which interestingly enough seems like the embodiment of Fi Ne cognitive functions of an INFP.

I think connecting with all those inside things is just something I’m struggling with at the moment. It becomes a little less foggy day by day, but I find it challenging.

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#148

Guess I’ll see the WB action in effect next weekend. Meeting up with the girl I’ve been chatting with.

No expectations, just meeting up and seeing if we click in person.

Not gonna lie, someone showing me this much interest has been a weird concept for me. Feels like I’m gonna lose it at any second. But even having an experience like this kinda shows there’s no way in hell I’d ever be able to conjure this up in my imagination to meditate on or visualize to manifest. So the introduction of new experiences is much needed.

Taking it all in, but also not letting it go to my head. Just enjoying the experience.

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#149

That is essentially the embodiment of WB. Sit back, be yourself, enjoy the moment and let WB work its magic.

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#150

I think WB has me showing up with some radical honesty lately.

I’ve been going to therapy for a bit now. I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD. There’s a tendency for people to be really dismissive of it. It’s not like I get huge panic attacks or anything like that. It’s just a very chronic feeling of dysfunction. Pushing and pulling, dissociating, isolating, struggling. It’s actually really mundane in how it presents itself, but it can slowly grind me down.

Starting today I’m taking it more seriously vs treating it like some flaw I need to try harder to overcome. It’s always been my deep dark secret, even before I knew it was CPTSD. And I walled myself off from people until I could figure out how to heal it completely which was a mistake. Putting my life on pause because I struggled with this stuff was the worst mistake I ever made. Depriving myself of intimacy or close relationships because I was afraid of the unpredictability of my own emotions. I thought if I isolated myself, figured my shit out, then I could come back into the world with a life to be proud of.

But I’m changing that now. I will continue to improve, but I’m not going to hide what it is I go through and I’ll keep expanding my comfort zone despite it.

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#151

Trust yourself

Trust yourself

Trust yourself

Not because it means everything will go well;

But because when you’re trusting yourself, even if you make a mistake, it was the right mistake.

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#152

Had a super weird dream last night. I was among these groups of people and they handed me this weird swirling portal that you look into. It sort of lifts the veil of reality and you see the true essence of things. Well when the veil was lifted I saw some people around me as really morbid looking corpses with hollowed out eyes and malicious intent.

I remember thinking “oh fuck oh shit I’ve gone crazy, how am I going to blend in to society seeing all these creatures around me”.

I think this is more DRLD than WB even though I listened to WB last night. But it’s like, people don’t always have the best intentions. I grew up trying to see the good in everyone, I liked that idea. I liked painting over the world with that idea. I can’t always understand people and it’s important that I see when they could potentially hurt me vs the philosophical ponderings of morality.

If I had to guess the creatures in my dream were the abusers of society masquerading as charming or safe individuals. And being able to “see” grants me protection but it also shows the ugliness. I don’t know if anyone else sees life like that, or it’s due to my childhood and never intuitively grasping boundaries.

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#153

You still playing Genesis and RoD?

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#154

I am not. The title of this journal is very out of sync. It’s been for a few weeks now.

Wanted Black
Genesis
DRLD

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#155

Interesting sort of feedback loop with WB. Since I’m gonna be meeting up with this girl soon, seriously can’t even tell you how surreal this feels because it’s never been part of my reality, it’s bringing up new feelings.

Among them. This person will get bored of me or want to exit any type of relationship because I’m not good enough. Fear that I’m going to have trouble connecting like a typical person and they won’t want to tolerate it. Screwing things up in some way because a fear of abandonment that starts me down the road of avoiding.

I’ve known I’ve had these for a while but I never did anything to challenge them. So now they’re becoming stronger because I’m actually going to be putting myself directly in a situation where it can potentially happen.

At my core it feels like “why would anyone actually want to get to know me?”. Instead of letting these thoughts paralyze me into inaction I’m doing my best to test them.

There’s only a certain degree of ability I have for thinking favorably of myself. If I try to go past that then I’m just putting more pressure on myself to be positive which is toxic in its own way.

These past few weeks I’ve been purging my brain of all the awful new age crap I ingested when younger when I was struggling with my mental health. What I’m doing NOW is fine. If I only have a certain capacity for self love or positivity that’s fine because it’s not an overnight change or a light switch I can flip. Looking back on my life toxic positivity was a strong component from my mom to safely contain the more troubling things I was going through.

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#156

I’m contemplating only running DRLD once a week. Going to put in a support ticket. I think this is a good sort of complementary title for my stack, but even at 30s I think it’s too intense to run on a consistent schedule for me. I think it might work better for me when I have a bunch of limitations pop up like in my previous post. Having things at the surface to dissect and dissolve vs proactive digging. I think digging at this point in my life weighs me down too much and pulls me inward too much where i can get lost in rumination.

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#157

You know I’ve been doing a lot of growth with DRLD and maybe I shouldn’t limit it just yet. Gonna run through the objective list so far. I’m feeling really inside out today with everything in my life. So I guess this is a good time to be objective and try to introduce some balance

Break free from societal expectations that steer you away from your true aspirations.

Trying. The pull is strong. I’ve talked about the “hooks” before. I’m still very much stuck in survival mode

Overcome self-imposed limits by recognizing and dismantling the mental barriers created from insecurities, past failures, and negative self-talk.

Definitely seen improvement here. I’m becoming more open to the idea that my entire world view I thought I was seeing as some universal truth is just a subjected reality projected through trauma.

Gain self-awareness through moments of clarity, realizing your true self beyond others’ stories and expectations.

Absolutely. This was a major stumbling block for me in my life. I barely have a self identity, it’s all defaulted to people around me

Awaken your inner strength to break free from confinements and take decisive action toward your goals.

Feeling it a bit. Still very much feeling confined. Especially trying to juggle the idea of my own inherent power vs situations outside my control I have to contend with (cost of things going up for example)

Achieve new heights of success and freedom by shedding restrictions and embracing limitless possibilities.

Not there yet. But I’m increasingly discontent when people present ideas of settling as “good realistic advice”

Facilitate emotional healing to shed the weight of past traumas and unresolved emotions, enabling greater freedom and agility in pursuing goals.

I really really hit a wall with emotional healing. I’ve written about this before but one of my own struggles is having a blockage towards internal self validation. I’m getting there but it’s like my mechanism for even processing emotions has gone sideways in my life.

Manifest positive experiences by tuning your mindset and energy, reshaping your reality through intention and focus.

I’ve noticed more closeness with my existing friend circle. Also people reaching out more. I feel less alone. It’s always been hard for me to initiate hanging out with people because I felt I was being a burden.

Build and fortify self-confidence, developing a deep-rooted belief in your abilities and worth to overcome barriers.

Working towards it. I feel a little more assured in my skill set, but major imposter syndrome at times.

Engage in calculated risks by having an inner strategist guide your steps, ensuring sustainable growth.

I’m sort of getting this. But I think my ability to take risks is very undeveloped. I’ve defintely felt the way I’m looking for opportunities where I can test my boundaries more.

Attract allies and resources necessary for your journey, including mentors, friends, books, and opportunities.

I’m feeling intuitively drawn to some resources, definitely. Random youtube videos that pop up on my feed that coincidentally provide comfort for distressing thoughts that plagued me that exact day.

Ignite an inner fire for clarity in your personal journey, shedding light on your true purpose.

Haven’t noticed this one yet. I think I still have a lot of legwork as far as stabilizing myself first

Distance yourself from toxic individuals and protect your energy from those who may drain or derail you.

I’ve experienced this one for sure. Unfortunately it has been tough. Without going into details I have a friend who is stuck in life, but due to his support system and sort of frozen state he can’t recognize how valuable time is to me. I am sympathetic to his situation but I’m not putting myself in positions anymore where he does that.

Guard against manipulation, regaining control and focus over your decisions and interactions.

Manipulation ABOUNDS in my job. I’m on the peripherty of it and when it does fly my way I just shrug it off. Not my company, not my responsibility if someone in another department screwed up. You’re not dragging me into herd chaotic stress.

Take action on your dreams by not only fueling them but ushering yourself toward concrete steps for realization.

Definitely not here yet. My dreams are still dreams, still don’t feel achievable.

Create and execute grand visions, being both the visionary and the architect, transforming possibilities into reality.

Again lacking here. No grand executions yet or even plans. I’m still trying to figure out things and unravel this tangled mess.

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#158

More DRLD stuff. I like how versatile it is.

I’ve been listening to music lately and getting this unwell sort of feeling that I can’t make something like that. When I think of whatever complex production techniques or musical proficiency they execute I get anxiety. “I can’t do that”, but why does that matter so much? It’s a two part problem in my head if I break it down.

I can’t is a limiting belief definitely. With enough practice, exploration, I’m sure I could get there. Plenty of other people do. Some of the music that I vibe to the most is just underground artists that had something to share.

But also not being able to do something shouldn’t hurt my self worth to the degree it does. Or make me feel so paralyzed. So something pretty significant there.

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#159

Grow up with a dysfunctional system, end up in another one. Fuck this shit.

Last Friday I was going to give one of my techs on call overtime since he lost a few hours for a doctor’s appointment he needed to leave early for. It’s 8 hrs of standby. But HR dragged their feet and wouldn’t give me a straight answer as to what we could pay him.Talked to my boss and he was like “well his contract did say on call required”. Yeah but that’s before he was demoted from salary, so now he has none of the flexibility with the same expectations of hourly. So basically he’d be hanging around for 8 hrs and only get paid when actively taking a call. I know how much that sucks, even though you might not be actively working it’s still not a clear work/life separation and to boot you aren’t getting paid for those lost hours. So I told him take this one, I’ll talk to HR long term plan, if it’s not worth it I’ll just cover these as emergency only situations.

Done with this workplace toxic mentality. The whole “well I’ve had aspects of this job that suck, so you have to deal with it too”. No. I’ll rock the goddamn boat if it means looking out for someone vs doing what the company wants. You don’t like the idea of giving 8 hrs of overtime to someone that has killed their day being on standby? Then you don’t get that luxury.

I’m sick of people like this being in my life. It’s like a goddamn cult of mistreatment that so many people get sucked into. I know this is a direct result of my past, but I’m not going to keep yielding to it or subject anyone else.

People don’t like it when you disrupt the status quo but I don’t care anymore. These jobs are just like dysfunctional family systems where you put aside your real feelings in order to appease an authority figure and not cause conflict. I’m not doing that anymore.

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#160

Man am I going through it right now. And by it I mean a real eye opening experience to all the crap from my past that’s filtered into the present. As well as the patterns.

Going to type some stuff out later.

For now, to put it bluntly, this shit is wild.

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