This guy knows dnb damn, to release a cut like this in 2023
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Man I’m all turned around. Cart before the horse right now in my life. I’ve wanted to do something with music for a while now. And I’m realizing I wanted the fantasy of what that would give me vs the reality of the process. So I’m not abandoning it, I just need to build more intimacy with the process itself and let it unfold from there. In my head I have all these ideas for how it could go or seeing how it worked for others. But you can’t really know can you? I know I need some kind of plan, but I also like the idea of everything unfolding organically. Not micromanaging how every single aspect of it comes together in my life.
I’ve read a lot of stories of musicians giving it their all and ending up burned out and hating music because they depend on it for making a living. I’d hate for music to turn into that for me.
Again it comes down to freedom. Freedom with my time and energy. The monetary compensation is a bonus. I wish I could get those two things to align in my life. But I guess I have some financial blocks still.
Man idk. I’m still governed by the rules of class position and I hate it. I recognize these aren’t truths and don’t represent the future, but it’s hard to shake and embrace true freedom.
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Today I met with the new department head to discuss a promotion now that my former boss left the picture. I wasted no time, just laid out a number for him and then backed up my reasons why. I don’t know if it’s Genesis or WB or a combo of both, but in that moment I knew my worth and I wasn’t going to settle. Old me would have thought “oh what if they think you’re being greedy or demanding or ridiculous?” New me is like, if you don’t ask you don’t get simple as that.
I looked up similar positions and salaries and built a range for myself. Even if other job postings were paying less I told myself nope, the status quo doesn’t dictate how much I get. I won’t have someone accuse me of being entitled or unrealistic. I could feel myself rejecting old wealth barriers. Just because other people get underpaid and eat it, doesn’t mean I have to either. I’ve been thinking lately that financial struggle is NOT in my reality, I’ve been through that and I refuse to accept that as ever being a part of my life again.
So if they can’t do my proposed salary I’ll negotiate a bit. But if it falls too low I’m staying where I’m at with the responsibilities i"m comfortable with. They can hire someone else for the position above me around the same pay I proposed + the cost of getting them up to speed, get a subpar experience because our environment is a nightmare to navigate, and I’ll just kick back and wait to see what happens. I’ve been through it with 2 other guys now that didn’t work out. If they can’t see the value in giving me that same rate of pay they’d throw to someone completely outside of this org, I don’t know what to say. I’m not even offended, but you know businesses are gonna do what they do. I’ll be there if they change their mind. One thing is for certain if I do end up with someone above me, he or she better damn well know how to do their job, I won’t be coaching them through the ins and outs.
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Man got some major blowback from that one internally within myself. I really pushed it with that one. I don’t want to say I did it with ease, it’s more like I could set aside what was stopping me from embracing more and also asking for more. But I could feel the emotional turmoil inside of me. The important thing is I took action and did it, I processed the complicated stuff afterwards. That’s been a huge improvement in my previous habit of trying to process complicated stuff before taking action. Putting things aside, taking a risk, then understanding there’s gonna be some swing back I have to address in order to cement those types of behaviors. I’ve learned AFTER the events is the most important part because if I don’t tune into my body and practice honesty, it doesn’t become change. It just becomes an act of willpower and trying to hold onto a temporary state of empowerment I was able to leverage. Survival mode, I’ve had a lifetimes worth of that already and don’t need more.
Other points of improvement. I told myself yesterday, one thing every day to get better. Whatever I have the capacity for. If that means 5 minutes of writing music good. If that means 10 minutes of watching a video on music production concepts, good. Anything is better than nothing. It all adds up. I frequently feel like a failure if I can’t sit down for more than 15 minutes with something. I’m still working on that, but in the meantime I’d rather know I did something that day vs be paralyzed into doing nothing. And If I can just feel good for doing even the tiniest of things that’ll help me feel less guilty when I do relax which is 100% necessary. But I can’t relax if I know in the back of my head I didn’t do something that day for myself. I guess for me this is self care, giving myself something for future me.
Finally got back to a track I’ve been working on. Ultimate Music Producer module has been helping. I found my workflow on the MPC making more sense. Moving faster, knowing how to navigate without thinking too much. Also found a cool feature that lets me copy bars way way easier and modify my arrangement. My anxiety around composing is slowly diminishing as I start building a workflow for myself more.
It’s funny whenever I actually start writing a track and vibing with what I make, it makes sense. But outside my sessions I doubt that. It’s like I’m absolutely convinced in my head that everything I’ve written that I’ve enjoyed up to this point has been a fluke that I’ll never hit again. In my sessions the intuition kicks in, the ideas flood in, stuff is unlocked and one idea can trigger the next. I’m just a little perplexed how all these years of writing music hasn’t built up much confidence in myself. But I do know I’m feeling closer to the same feelings I had when I first started making music, that same raw creativity. I lost that for a while so it’s nice to fee like it’s coming back.
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One step forward two steps back. The thing that always catches me off guard is how segmented your self growth can be at times. How one area of improvement won’t necessarily carry over into another and it’s important to take that into consideration.
I’ve been doing better with my job and setting boundaries there. But it’s like my mind decided “yeah good enough, that’s enough work you put in there”. But it’s really not. My job was like a mini fire I had to put out, I had to get that under control. Once that was under control then things started expanding more into my own life. And it’s like, damn I really have been living a limited existence here. I’m not talking about wealth or travel, I mean the simplest of stuff. Treating myself to nice food, buying clothes for myself I feel good in, going out, even just watching a movie. It just hasn’t been there or if it does make an appearance it’s like this very inconsistent thing. It amazes me that people do stuff almost every single day that makes them feel good.
Point being I’m still neglecting parts of my life. After my last therapy session I realized that there are things we still haven’t touched on because it’s rare I express them. But I tried more today to communicate and open up. And it showed me there’s a whole aspect of myself I need to understand and explore. I’ve just been working around it my whole life and it’s been a barrier to connection with others.
Ok dreams are just getting weird now. I have no idea what this means, but I’m gonna write it down.
I was over someones house, well more like a mansion. I had luggage and clothes. There were at least 5 different bathrooms. Apparently I was putting my dirty clothes in the sinks? Or random other places and not realizing it. I think maybe the dream represents my insecurities around constantly having messes around me and not always being aware of it. A combo of depression over the years, poor executive functioning, and feeling limited energy has led me to a place where I’m not a tidy person at all. And it’s not dirty, it’s just chaos. Things get put down and they just rarely move.
I got shamed for it all the time as a kid and I guess my parents thought I’d just grow out of it or something. This is something that has been a long time struggle for me and makes me feel less than other people because I can’t just get my shit together and keep things clean.
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Decided to stubbornly stick to WB until it’s full on approach me mode. I recognize this is a tough one because it has to do with my own beliefs as well as societal beliefs. Yes approaching more women and initiating would get results, but not the type of results that are in alignment with this sub.
That being said I’m not hurting for results on this sub as much compared to when I first started. I’ve still got a lot of shit to work out with myself. And it’s like I keep saying, I’m in it for the long haul. I’m more curious how WB will keep expressing itself through me vs just sleeping with a bunch of hot women. I have noticed that I’m way more picky. I’m not gonna sleep with someone I’m not attracted to. I never got how some guys get so desperate they just have sex for the sake of having sex. Maybe my standards are high, maybe it’s my perfectionism, all I know is it’s gonna take a lot to impress me. Looks aren’t everything either, nothing turns me off more than an entitled woman. That subtle expectation that a guy needs to do everything.
I think I’ve just been burned like that and now I’m too on guard for it happening again. Especially since it triggers my people pleasing behavior I’ve been trying to break. So when I see it I get angry because it reminds me of the times I lacked autonomy and was just strung around by childhood wounds being activated.
I don’t know. Trying not to enter a villain arc here lol. I think I just need some more positive experiences for my brain to be like “oh cool an alternative, I guess that other assumption doesn’t hold as much weight anymore”
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Also I woke up this morning looking to drop RoD. But I’m going to think about it today and where I want to go. Initial thought was that it’s taking up too much processing power for my other two titles. At the same time, I really like how it’s been helping me explore my subconscious more and thoughts on reality. I think I’m just using the too much as an excuse because of what happened last night.
I had a really vivid dream where my cat that passed away was sitting on my chest and I was petting him like I used to do. It felt completely normal in the dream and then I realized it was a dream and remembered he was gone in the physical. I got hit with so much sadness. I know some people always want to assume they know how the world works and how the physical is the only existence. That a dream like that is just an expression of grief and longing to see him again. But I don’t know, I’m open to more.
Anyway I think RoD can just get heavy for me emotionally at times because it brings up thoughts on existence, death, the nature of reality, what’s beyond the routines and structure put in place by society, and where this is all going. I used to search a lot for answers or lean too hard into spirituality. Spirituality is such a weird thing for me nowadays, I don’t consider it inherently special. I think I’ve been put off by it for a while now because it’s been taken over by “good vibes only” type people and it’s like gatekeeping who can have a spiritual experience or not. But to me it’s just a progression of growing awareness of the world around you. Whatever that is. Less in tune people are harder for me to get along with, similarly overly obsessed individuals are also difficult because their identity becomes spirituality. Idk man, it’s weird.
But I guess that’s why I’m running Genesis with this inherently non-physical title. I think it’s easy to lose grounding and get stuck with the head in the clouds so to speak.
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Kept waiting on Genesis to get hit with some of the new upgraded tech, but I didn’t want to miss out on experiencing the NLE in my custom. Especially since learning is one of the things I struggle with in my life the most. New one I just ordered, slightly tweaked with other modules. Hopefully I can just hop back on it with the same exposure time when I get it since it’s not too far off in similarity.
Genesis
NLE
Psyche augmentation
New Dawn
Foundation
Inner Voice
Untouchable
Courage Reclaimed
Divine Self Image
Ultimate Music Producer
Virtuoso di Musica
Path of Forgiveness
Mosaic
Homeostasis
Pride Unbroken
Safety Net
What I swapped
Ego adsum → NLE
Eye of the storm → psyche augmentation
Negativity displacer → new dawn
Merger of worlds → homeostasis
Curious to see how this one hits. Homeostasis will be an interesting one because I’ve been really struggling with moderating my subliminal input. I’ve gotten better, but I think that module can really help me out.
I’m still going through a lot of crap in my life. Part of making my life better is redefining it so I threw New Dawn in there.
Throughout my life I’ve constantly felt like I need to be someone else. I’ve come to realize that was me just trying to run away from my own pain and experiences in life. I wanted to re-define myself, start new, wipe the slate clean. It has never worked. So now I’m getting to a point where i ask myself how do I just make this part of my story and use it? I know part of that answer is creative outlets. There’s something about pain that does birth great art, but at the same time I don’t want to be chained to that as my identity. I think I’m at a point where I have to learn to allow it to express itself and stop being afraid of it.
Over the years I’ve tried all manner of healing and trying to overwrite this stuff. I’m really starting to think that’s just not how it works.There’s been a constant battle inside of me of one side trying to remain positive and another feeling terrible. Trying to get the positive side to “win” has felt disingenuous and harmful. It feels like a repeat of growing up with all these difficult problems and my parents just getting frustrated at me because I was dysfunctional. It’s hard holding space for my own emotions, always has been. I’m struggling to define what it means to grow in a healthy direction because my impression of healthy is 0 negativity. But really what is negativity except unacknowledged parts of myself that need attention?
I don’t know. It’s like the more growth I get under my belt the more I don’t really even know who I am.
Weird. I listened to my Genesis custom for 1 min yesterday vs the 2 min I was trying to work up to. I find myself even more emotionally engaged within myself and processing stuff coming up. I’m going to continue to be more strict with my cutoff point for exposure. I just hate the idea of paying for a custom, only running micro loops and not hitting the other modules. But it is what it is, I can’t force it. The fears I have about not getting enough exposure are just fears, I shouldn’t push myself. It seems like my capacity is a solid minute now, but I’m going to make sure I don’t feel pressured to hit that every time and disregard my own internal state.
Part of me is like “do it, run the 5 minutes, bust through your sticking points”. But I know that doesn’t work. If the initial message is hard to reconcile, cramming more repetitions of it in my head isn’t gonna do me any favors. That’s not how this works. Trying to force myself into action by increasing the cognitive load makes no sense, but that’s unfortunately been my go to when I’m trying to avoid what is coming up. Still a lot to learn.
I know I have some kind of attachment disorder. It’s been too common of a theme in my life to be something else. I’m starting to explore this more with my therapist. I’ve worked around it for a lot of my life but it’s limiting and I can’t keep running away. It’s just gonna take someone being able to pry me open with a crowbar. As open as I want to believe I am, deep down at my core there’s a lot that stops me emotionally.
You could alternate which minute you listen to.
0:00 to 1:00
then
1:00 to 2:00
and so on.
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I think I’ll try that. The one question that’s always on my mind is if it’s the quantity I’m adapting to or the content of the script. Guess I’ll find out if I start from a minute in. If it’s just my capacity for input regardless of content I think this will help. Gonna try with WB today and see how that goes.
Wish I could just run 5 or 7 minute loops like everyone else. Would make my life a lot easier. But I just have to adapt everything to my own mind. Been doing this since the qv2 days.
@AnswerGroup I’m gonna do it anyway lol. But I just wanted to know if this is a viable strategy. Doing microloops at different intervals of the sub.
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A valid point.
Decided Im gonna stick to the current microloops strategy without jumping around. Read a previous post of mine in the WB thread and both Saint and fire said they can’t divulge the info and to just trust it works fine. So I’m gonna do that. Might even go back to 30s for now on WB again.
I did in fact do a loop of WB starting at 1 min yesterday. Confirmed that was a bad idea for me. Got some really rough recon today. I’m basically keeping an eye out on my internal dialogue today because of all the terrible stuff I’m catching myself saying directed towards me. Valuable lesson was learned today.
Finally sat myself down and starred reading through my older journal entries. I was putting it off because quite honestly I was afraid at what I was going to read. You know, you invest so much time and energy into change and it can hurt sometimes when you identify the same patterns you had 4 years ago. I’ll say this though, my old self wasn’t as oblivious as I remembered. In fact I wrote down some pretty noteworthy stuff. Old self really liked trash talking himself though, I’m glad that’s changed for me.
This is from back in 2019
That’s kind of why I’ve been going at it alone. I only feel safe exploring these things by
myself. And the process of finding a good therapist is tiring and a serious emotional
investment. I can spill my guts here because I’m pretty anonymous. But something about
face to face interaction leaves me deeply unsettled and defensive, it causes more issues
than it helps solve as I try not to paint a false image of myself as perfectly fine. Of the
therapists I’ve seen a lot of them have commented how I seem very put together, but it’s
always been a well crafted mask. In a way my strength is my weakness as I learned to
survive all this on my own, but it’s left me unable to open up about it.
I can happily say nowadays I found someone I can trust and I’ve been opening up. It’s still not easy and I relate to a lot of what I wrote in that post. And it’s tough. I don’t want to relate to those things anymore, but I know I haven’t grown beyond it yet. The one thing I can say has changed for me is my ability to stay honest with myself and not try to bury things. It’s not always pleasant confronting the truth, but it’s a greater opportunity for growth.
Other noteworthy things I wrote about. Seems I’ve been more highly in tune to the mechanism behind subliminals than I thought. I was evaluating the whole processing queue idea back in 2019.
- Listening to the subs consistently keeps me
“on track” so to speak. Or 2. When I’m listening it’s really only a certain part of my mind it
sits in, so it’s like there’s a queue waiting to be processed. The reconciliation isn’t as
strong of a reaction because they haven’t sunk deeper.
A funny one looking back on it now
So guess I’m going back
to staying off night listening. This is a learning process that’s for certain. I’ve noticed my
agitated “full” feeling is when I need to back off and let my mind process. I stopped
listening midday today
That agitate “full” feeling is the marker I’ve been using for ZP and shooting for just before that. But it’s funny because what I wrote here about stopping midday means that’s about 4 or 5 hours of listening to a sub before that happened. Nowadays I can listen to one ZP title for 1 min and get there. Pretty crazy.
But from reading my journals so far the most noteworthy thing I picked up. The older tech was still really great, lots of good insights and growth. In some ways back then I was actually more accommodating towards my exposure amount with the subs. It made me realize that I have been doing overdoing it with ZPv2 a bit lately. For me at least compared to the older tech it’s easy to overshoot exposure, so I have to be more mindful of that going forward.
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Maybe I knew this intuitively or maybe I’m only coming up with it now. But the amount of times I’ve tried to ditch WB is so high. I kept asking myself why I’m staying on it. Today I got my answer.
WB is challenging me to open myself to the world more. Truthfully I absolutely hate running this sub sometimes, but that’s because I know it’s really pushing my comfort zone. I’ve been restricted, filtered, small, invisible, all my life and then I built my life around that. WB is the opposite. It’s expressive, expansive, authentic, unhidden, it’s literally everything I fear deep down packed into one subliminal.
I’m realizing more and more I make decisions in my life based on who I think I am vs who I want to be. Is WB hard for me to run? Hell yeah. Does that mean it’s not a good fit for me? No.
The hardest part of this all is going to be facing my fears to give me more experiences in my life. That’s the hurdle. I kept faltering on the inter-personal relationship part of my life. But I’m going to start taking action there somehow. Hate this, hate being like this and I always just wanted to stay isolated. But I’m not going to do that anymore.
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I haven’t moved past this. If anything I just started digging into it more. It’s gotten worse these past few weeks. But I’d rather work through it in it’s entirety vs trying to hang onto some illusion that I’ve moved past it just to make myself feel better. That’s what bites me in the ass the most with these subs sometimes, I want to be further along so I try to convince myself I am. But if I can’t be honest with what I struggle with, I can’t hope to grow.
It’s ok. It doesn’t mean I failed to change or I was lying in that post. I think there were shifts, I’m just dealing with a very very ingrained psychological state within myself that I’ve been battling most of my life. I’ve set expectations too high for myself and when I don’t reach them I feel bad. Most of this relates to my overall functioning on a day to day level. I’m doing some heavy inner work, I have to cut myself a break.
I’ve always found it interesting how open I am on this forum vs incredibly reserved in my real life. It should be the other way around. But I’ve realized as supportive as this place can be, it’s not a reflection of being out in real world for me. It’s a false sense of comfort with expressing myself that only exists within this space. I guess to a certain degree it helps a bit, but I just have to be more mindful of when I’m reaching for progress that isn’t really there.
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