Genesis Custom + WB + SE the journey continues

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#101

In the anime I watched Serial Experiments Lain, there’s what’s known as The Wired. Basically the modern day equivalent of the internet. It’s full of conspiracy, people connecting, people dissociating, people engaging in criminal activities. The moral of the anime and it’s kinda sad really, is that The Wired takes us away from humanity and causes us to lose connection with the physical. I won’t spoil it for anyone, but The Wired starts “leaking”.

And I’ve been thinking about this a lot. How can I use the internet as a resource vs it absolutely polluting my mind and “leaking” into my own reality. I’m not even talking metaphysical stuff here, I mean just subtle shifts in thinking because I read something that I perceived as a potential source of information.

The internet is like a room full of people all talking at once. You ever been in a large room and it’s just conversation level discussion but there’s so many people it might as well be a white noise or static running through your brain? That’s how I feel about the internet sometimes.

But I’m conflicted. Who am I to say what’s “wrong” ? Youtube shorts were the death of me, I avoid those like the plague. But someone makes them, people watch, and the person creating the content makes money to further support their passion. So how is that bad? I think the part that’s messed up is all this is framed as consent. Like there’s an agreement that you can leave any time. But can you? Easily? They’ve figured out how to hijack the brains, tap into something that keeps individuals engaged. It’s not a massive conspiracy, I’m not saying that. It’s just an evolution of marketing i guess that’s gone off the rails in my opinion. I don’t mean the content creators, I mean the platforms.

I like this forum because everyone here knows there’s something more than what we’ve been given in life. But man I’m ashamed to admit my actual experience in life, observing it, learning from it, has been overshadowed by obsessively trawling the internet for answers and mistaking that for reality.

Friggin RoD man. What did I sign up for that I’m dealing with such profound questioning spurred on by an anime created in the 90s. I’m not complaining, but this is definitely a roller coaster of questioning.

#102

One of these subs is definitely getting me to express some long lost parts of myself.

I’ve always been kinda weird and eccentric. It’s one of those things where people either appreciate you for it or find it really off-putting. What I find interesting though is weird & eccentric + fame = perceived cool factor. Whereas weird & eccentric - fame is just a person that doesn’t fit in well enough.

For example if something starts off weird or different but then more people like it and it gets social approval, it ceases to be weird anymore. But the origin of where it came from is overlooked and people think they can just copy it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m learning to embrace parts of myself other people looked down upon in the past and appreciating it for the uniqueness they hold. I know this helps fuel my creative pursuits. The more I can tap into this, the more I’ll appreciate my own art.

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#103

Definitely stacked recon on top of recon this past day and it’s hitting me now. I’m getting better at this, but I’m still learning how to exercise patience and balance exposure with rest. There’s a fine balance between enough introspection for growth vs taking action.

A lot of the recon coming up for me now is related to my job or career field I’m in. I’m a good problem solver and I can troubleshoot things, but quite honestly that’s where it all ends. I only ended up in IT because I couldn’t hold my attention for anything else and I had horrible learning anxiety with anything I wasn’t already slightly good at. So I closed a lot of doors to myself. I am grateful I have some kind of skill to fall back on. But I hate how my self worth started getting tied up in being good at this stuff. I’m always burdened by this feeling like I have to be learning more, to stay on top, to be valuable to companies, etc. And I just don’t care, there’s nothing in it for me except money and that only goes so far. So why should I put myself in this rat race trying to claw my way to the top of the IT skill tree when I don’t even give a shit?

So new plan. Find a job that pays well and is low energy. That means not working for businesses who’s bottom line is effected, crisis situations, panic, expectations that I should give my life to the company, dumb crap like that. It’s not what I want. I’ll probably stick to IT since I already have experience. I want a job with excessive downtime, low stimulation, relaxed. My life has been nothing but chaos and that’s what I feel comfortable in which isn’t healthy. I’m learning that more and more now. When I don’t have to work a lot, when people aren’t demanding, when there isn’t some “prove your worth to the company” stuff going on, it makes me uncomfortable. But I know it’s the bullshit indoctrination I’ve been fed for years about what work is supposed to be.

The straight hard facts is at my heart I’m an artist and creative. Unless I’m in an environment where i can express that, be acknowledged for it, rewarded for it, I’m not gonna be happy. So if I can’t get that in a job, that means cutting out all the unnecessary crap that jobs get bloated with and just stick to the lean things that I need and want. I’m tired of feeling guilty or ashamed for not climbing the ladder when it comes to career growth. My career growth is in an entirely separate direction that I’ve never received support for or understanding.

I feel like this is an old struggle coming up to the surface again. When I was younger and trying to understand myself, but ultimately just shut everything down and ignored it to just survive. I don’t want to do that anymore.

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#104

More unfolding from the recon.

I have a tendency to take my own judgements and unfair expectations and project them externally. When realistically nobody around me expects those things. I’m still doing a lot of processing. More crap from childhood.

Instead of running away from my current job I should see about reinforcing boundaries and getting my own self criticisms under control. See what’s ACTUALLY my environment that I can’t do anything about vs me creating these things in my head. It’s a little bit of both really. There are problems here, but I could do a lot to begin learning to sidestep them and NOT take responsibility for someone else’s issues or being coerced into taking responsibility.

Ideal environments are nice. But what would be nicer is taking unfavorable circumstances and making them work for me. That way I can know any situation I’m in I trust myself and I’m not reliant on ideal scenarios which leave me at the mercy of people around me.

This is the tricky part with my life. The balance between not subjecting myself to overly detrimental environments vs running from conflict. Running from conflict is being the victim, not in a condescending way but moreso not standing up for myself. Banking on people to consider your needs or respecting you by default is a trap I fell into in earlier parts of my life and it really hurt me.

#105

Unfiltered for a sec in my journal. I really hate this stuff. I know what I have to do and work on to make my life better, but it’s just part of me is like “why couldn’t I have this from the start?” Why did I have to go through so much pain, frustration, and emptiness in my life? There is no answer, it just is and I have to grieve that. Which I thought I was done with but apparently not. Wrapping it up in some universal terms was a game I played to distance myself from the feelings. Fucking spiritual bypassing, still haunts me till this day and rears its ugly head. Emotional understanding, validation, and support FIRST, then going off on universal questioning, not the other way around.

I guess I still hold myself responsible for how events unfolded in my life vs factoring in the circumstances. What I choose to do now is 100% my responsibility and I’m doing my best.

#106

On my 5 day break now. Had a full dnb composition play in my dreams last night. Truthfully didn’t even consider that avenue. I know supposedly Aphex Twin used lucid dreaming to get musical ideas. Generating ideas is always the fun part, bringing them back to reality is like trying to transport matter that moves from solid to liquid and slips right through your fingers.

Been trying to find why I’ve got a hum from my mixer to my monitors. Driving me nuts. I cut it down a bit, but it’s still there. Might have to just eat the expense and get a good power conditioner.

All in all, steadily getting back into the music. Find myself occasionally slipping into that mindset nothing will ever come of this pursuit. I enjoy the expression, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want this as a bigger part of my life.

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#107

Goddamn second night in a row I have made an honest attempt to write music and ended up on a goosechaae. Finally found out where the hum was coming from. It was my right monitor power cable gently resting on the metal leg of my brand new desk I put together a week ago. Some kind of funky ground loop. Velcro to keep it up and no more hum. Hopefully I can finally get some stuff written this week.

#108

This is a extremely liberating insight, If you don’t mind me asking how did you spirtually bypass?

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#109

It can show up in a lot of different ways. One of my earliest memories was due to mental health issues I had trouble connecting with others. So I frequently “meditated” (I’ve learned it was dissociating now) and thought I could detach from the need for human connection to find peace.

Another was that I would accept abuse and mistreatment from others because I had to see the good in them, like some spiritual mission.

The other was the idea of soul contracts/reincarnation. I wouldn’t properly process my trauma because I convinced myself I agreed to it and it was “deeper” than it actually was. Ultimately needing to come to terms that no I’m not special, just dysfunctional. The whole “empath” thing, usually empaths are just children that have been parentified and have weak boundaries.

A lot of this was a result of emotional neglect. It was pain in childhood, but once I reached my teenage years my cognitive capacity grew and I just formed complex bs to explain away the pain. It’s two sides of the same coin, emotional neglect and spiritual bypassing.

There’s also all the new age woo I got sucked into that promised heaven on earth. But that’s a whole other story.

Long story short. Spiritual bypassing is an offshoot of intellectualization when it comes to trauma. It’s just a survival pattern that runs for me sometimes when I can’t handle my own emotions.

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#110

Man I finished that 4 agreements book. What a letdown. But lesson learned. Most of these books are written from an individual belief set that worked, then they write it down and try to convince you it’s the way of living. The irony of that book to me is the author talked about agreements in life we didn’t consciously choose based on our upbringing. This definitely made sense. But then he gives you 4 new agreements and says follow these and your life will be better. You’re just trading one box for another, albeit a little bit more positive but still you’re chained to someone else’s philosophical viewpoints.

He said some concerning stuff in the book that set off my red flags. Reeked of abusive apologist syntax. One agreement is “Don’t take things personally”. On the surface yeah, seems ok. But if you look deeper. What is taking something personally? Where’s the line you draw in the sand? He also goes on about how people accept abuse because they abuse themselves. Yeah while true lets hold some responsibility for the abusive individuals too.

Too much of a throwback to when books like this took me further away from myself. There’s a reason I left these things behind. Some of these books are just armchair psychologists with the most shallow understanding of human development or behavior. It’s the equivalent of someone going “yeah I may not have gone to college or had education, but I’ve got street smarts”. But they don’t even have street smarts, they just use that as a cover up for insecurity. But they talk from a position of confidence and sell it.

That’s my rant. Screw these books. Maybe RoD led me to this to put the final nail in the coffin of going back to all this garbage.

3 Likes
#111

Man I never get blooms on these 5 day breaks. I feel like I just descend into rough stuff.

I was thinking about WB and getting the urge to quit it again. Thoughts like what’s the point, you’ll never get there, you’re too fucked up for this title to do anything.

Wanting to quit. But what do you do when you want to quit? Stick with it.

I’m just doing my own thing. Running these subs and listening to my own inner guidance and that’s it. Trying to find my own voice.

I just wish I could stop feeling like I’m always doing something wrong. In a world where we constantly are bombarded with other people’s lives and success, it’s hard to appreciate your own sometimes. I may not be exactly where i want to be, but I’ve done a lot for myself. More than anything I could have ever even imagined when I was younger. I think given the circumstances of my life, I’ve done a pretty good job of steering the ship.

Maybe I’m still setting the foundation for myself. Really understanding what it means to be secure in life and being able to build from that. Facing the deeper issues. Yes this is a pretty big issue you need to work on, no you can’t erase it over night. How I’ve tried in the past to do that, any and every healing modality under the sun looking for that efficient transformation that would unlock my life. I just didn’t want to face the fact that sometimes these things take time because it’s the pain of realizing those very things took time away from my life. More grieving for me I guess.

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#112

I think that you tend to compare your actual progress to other people’s pretend-progress.

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#113

It’s been a long process of not doing that. What do you consider pretend -progress?

#114

The truth is that you’re currently transforming so strongly and so consistently that whatever observations I offer are probably already partially obsolete.

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#115

I really have been ping ponging all over the place lately. But I appreciate the input. Now to go back and read my old old journals I’ve been procrastinating on. I know those will give me better perspective.

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#116

Just found out about PrivateGPT. Gonna feed it my journal entries and see what happens. I crapped on AI for a bit, but that was mostly a response to the hysteria in the media. This has been moving fast.

I’m both concerned and incredibly curious how this is going to change the work landscape. I’ve already been using perplexity AI in my job when I need to find answers to the ERP system I know nothing about. Way faster than googling and combing through the results myself. It’s been wild.

I’m probably gonna educate myself on this as a tool so I don’t end up one of those “this will never catch on” people who get left in the dust.

#117

Ran my Genesis custom for 2 minutes yesterday. Might have overdone it. I think I’m gonna mess around with variable listening. Really tune into my body and understand when to cut off the listening.

I think for me personally it’s a balancing act. If I overdo it and then need more rest days I’m not necessarily gonna feel better during those rest days. It’s more like trying to re-regulate myself vs actual growth. I mean there is growth there, but it gets paired with a lot of difficulty functioning which is just not necessary.

My main point is it’s better for me to listen 30s vs force a full 2 minutes and have to recover.

There’s still a lot of fear fueling these decisions to push myself too far. A lot of perfectionism. A lot of disregard for my own capacity for change on that particular day. But I’ll shoot for 2 minutes as that seems to be my cap and if I have to scale back that particular day I’ll listen to my body.

This cycle has to stop. I can’t keep overworking myself just because I’m afraid I’m not doing enough.

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#118

Confirmed overdone. Rough day today, struggled to work on music. I was messing around with PrivateGPT. My GPU is only a GTX 1060 with 3GB of vram lol. The program can offload some for the CPU processing to the GPU but it only helped a bit. Running LLMs on mid machines isn’t the best experiences. First time I messed with repos and compiling instructions, I’m def not a programmer. Wasted a bunch of time trying to get things working.

Fed it a csv of my journal entries and was just messing around with it today asking questions. It can’t really interpret things that in depth, but it’s a cool experiment anyway. Maybe in the future with a higher spec machine and better models it can be used.

#119

Ok so the goal with subliminal input is just enough so the next day I’m taking action based on the sub, not fighting to make it through my day. I woke up this morning and got inspired to really learn how to program sounds in a synth more. I have a program I bought a while back called Syntorial which helps both ear train you and teach you synth parameters more in depth. Basically strengthens the connection to knowing what does what without fiddling around with a synth all day. My knowledge is pretty good in general, but it never hurts to keep improving. That is the type of inspired action I need the day after listening to a sub, not struggling to get out of bed.

Stupid obvious, but yeah. Apparently still learning how to make these subs work best for me. It’s a long way from 15 minute loops. Those knocked me out cold.

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#120

Decided to put together an alias for my more darker experimental music. Also friends and family have my current artist. I find myself self censoring a lot and unable to express my real emotions. Nothing says my music HAS to be released, but I want to. I’m hypocritical that way, generally don’t like being in the spotlight but at the same time want to be seen. I don’t really know how that works. But I think it’s like I want the music to speak for itself rather than me as an individual being the face of it. Everyone’s got their dispositions towards what being an artist is, I’m not here to judge. But I just don’t vibe with the whole branding, social media, celebrity status thing. Interestingly enough the mysterious vibe of WB seems to be playing a part in this decision. Gonna lean into it more and see what happens.

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