Genesis Custom + WB + SE the journey continues

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#81

I did some self reflection. I’m so afraid of NOT changing, not growing fast enough, not living the life I want to live that I don’t take enough time to understand how best to utilize these subs for myself.

I’m giving the new WB a run today and then I’m going to pace myself better. Only listening when I feel I can process things well enough. My 5 days of rest at the end of 21 days has been continually brutal, but I’m starting to think that’s because for those 21 days I’m stacking too much in my brain.

Especially with WB I find myself in this trap of wanting the effects of it so I push myself to listen. Realistically that loop isn’t gonna do anything, it’s what i do after that loop.

On top of all this I’m realizing this type of anxious “I’m running out time/I need to fix this now” behavior is just an expression of trauma. What if i slowed down? What if I gave space for myself? What if I stopped comparing myself to everyone else around me and their timescale of achieving things? What if I gave myself the very things I needed to grow vs ignoring them and mistreating myself?

I’m going to make a committed effort to this and see how it goes. I have to break this fear cycle of not doing enough and then burning myself out.

4 Likes
#82

I was talking to my brother about this earlier. People REALLY don’t like when you develop boundaries in an already established relationship. They will push back, say things like, but everything was fine before, I don’t understand where this is coming from, you’re being unreasonable, etc. You’re allowed to set boundaries at any point in a relationship, not just the beginning. However some people will have you believe it’s unacceptable and you have to stick to the role you’ve been playing.

These subs are like, damn. Strip away everything. Ask myself “how do I want to show up in the world?” Not how people expect me to or what they’re comfortable with. Giving myself approval. Not fully there yet, but getting there. Seeing a world for myself where I don’t have to subject myself to this anxiety of expressing who I am.

3 Likes
#83

Gonna drop s&s and put RoD back in rotation. Honestly speaking, I’m not taking action on that front. WB is giving me plenty of challenge and it’s got NRE in it now so we’ll see what happens, I think I need a more expansive title like RoD to explore some stuff and also lighten my stack a bit.

1 Like
#84

Two whole days. One of those days consisting of two cans of cold brew coffee. But I did it. Got my own little space setup. Is it gonna win any awards for design? Lol, no but it’s all the functionality I need. Got some wires to clean up and overall need to tighten things down but I’m probably gonna do that later.

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It’s times like these where I take a second to appreciate I was able to get this equipment for myself. I remember when the idea of owning stuff like this was more of a wish to have vs a possibility. I built up my collection over the years and it’s not the biggest but I like keeping things tight and focused.

From the outside most people see a simple desk setup. But for me it means something more. It’s acknowledgement of the importance of music in my life and my own expression through it. I see it as the physical representation of growth from the subliminals manifesting outwardly.

2 Likes
#85

Something has definitely shifted in me. The idea of healing, getting to some ideal state is a burden I placed on myself for years. Today I’m feeling like I am who I am. I’ll always strive for growth in myself, but that doesn’t mean who I am in this moment is unacceptable.

I’ve never really felt like I fit in. But why should I feel bad about that?

One thing I like about WB and the original wanted is it takes the “how do I become someone else who’s more attractive?” thoughts and moves them to "this is me, you either like it or don’t but I’m not gonna compromise ". Lately I even feel like the complexities or flaws in myself make me more attractive vs something to hide like a shameful thing. Wanted has always been a sub I gravitate to because of the authenticity of it and just being human.

3 Likes
#86

To be intensely spiritual and philosophical just to experience and enjoy life. That’s not the way. Not for me at least. Those are two separate things and I’ve wrongly linked them together. Action in the realm of enjoyment is something I have to cultivate more of.

In a way I feel like the reluctant wisdom filled guy that fell from a tree and hit every branch on the way down. Now I can advise people on how to also not take the same misstep and screw themselves over, but ultimately I’m handing the knowledge over and I can’t climb the tree for them. I also won’t force them to climb the tree. I’m kinda like the guy who can help out, but it’s not my mission.

In human design apparently profiles that are 6s spend a large portion of their life learning what NOT to do. They’re really good at identifying faults and cracks other’s overlook. But also because for most of their life they get dealt a rough hand. Apparently around the age of 30 they go up on the metaphorical roof and reflect on their past experience while synthesizing that wisdom into a tool that helps them improve their own life. And goddamn if that doesn’t just about sum up my experience these past few years. I still don’t know what to think of human design. But the founder of it doesn’t reek of guruism, he actually seems quite annoyed when people look to him for answers lol.

But it’s kinda like I know I’ve got valuable stuff to share sometimes and other times I feel like I’m reaching and talking nonsense. I feel like a rogue spiritualist. I only care about these concepts in as much they can add value to either my or someone else’s life, cut the bullshit, get to the point.

Weird headspace today for sure.

2 Likes
#87

I was driving home from work yesterday and my battery light came on in my car also lost power steering. Here’s me thinking “cool let me just pull off to the next road, clean up the terminals and tighten them”. But no, fate had other plans in store for me. My whole serpentine belt decided to jump off the pulleys. It gets better.

The spot I stopped at I had a dead zone for my cell phone and I didn’t want to start my car back up until I knew it was alright to travel shorter distances. So I walked about 100 ft away while getting pelted with ice just falling from the sky. I’m trying to dial the AAA number while my hands are numb and my screen is getting covered with ice and water.

Now I have to see what mechanic I can get it to today because I was planning on visiting my brother for thanksgiving tomorrow and we were going to see Eric Prydz the next friday. Fingers crossed.

All this to say that it’s been stressful but compared to years ago where I would have sort of panicked, had it towed to a shop who would have taken advantage of me, worried about the cost, etc. I just had it brought back to my apartment complex and I’ve got about 5 different shops around me well within driving distance where the water pump not running isn’t an issue.

2 Likes
#88

Everything worked out and my plans haven’t been derailed. This stuff still gets me stressed, I’m trying to work on it. But you know if my car couldn’t get fixed I’d be missing out on some fun stuff and I guess those moments are kinda rare in my life so I value them a lot. I’m hoping one day I can get to the point where life throws me a curve ball, I deal with it, and it’s a minor bump vs a huge disappointment. Interesting insights from today.

2 Likes
#89

I don’t know if it was RoD but I woke up this morning thinking about my cat I had to say goodbye to a few months ago. What’s beyond death? Is he still connected to me in some way? It still hurts knowing I can’t see him. I lost such a large piece of my life. I’ve been trying to carry on, but maybe this has still been in the back of my head with me trying to figure out where he went after his passing.

I know RoD is dreams focused. But when I ran this before it really did get me feeling different about reality in general. And even after just one micro loop I’m feeling the familiar “what is reality” feelings I had before on it. It’s an interesting sub. In lucid dreams you test to see if it’s a dream. But I also feel like this sub has me testing reality as well, meaning what are the beliefs weaving my perception?

I generally don’t like spiritual subs because I feel like I take them too seriously and get full of myself. They make me think I have to pursue some higher path vs use that wisdom to fulfill desires. The duality of running a sub like WB with harem scripting and then the deep insight on RoD. It’s like my mind goes “choose a lane buddy, you can’t have both”. But that’s not true. Maybe RoD can help me reconcile these two sides.

1 Like
#90

The show I went to yesterday was amazing. The people not so much. It ruined the experience for me a bit. Rude, entitled, pushy, I had more than one person try to shove me out of my spot because they wanted to move into an non-existent one.

Audio visual show was amazing, I don’t regret it at all.

But I was close to fighting someone that night because I was getting super pissed at how disrespectful they were being towards me and expecting me to just accommodate their wants. I don’t say that to be alpha or whatever. I don’t even take pride over getting into situations like that. But something flipped like a switch in me and I think it has to do with past trauma with my father.

Long story short this event REALLY is making me double down and not take people’s shit anymore, but I have to chill with what actions I take. I feel like I was raised to be considerate and accommodating, but at the expense of my own needs. So it was “it’s ok they can do what they want because their needs are more important and it doesn’t bother me” Which was a crock of shit. Anyone who showed more confidence, pushiness, or anger seemed to always get their way with me because I’d fold like the inner frightened child, fawn response pretty much. No more of that.

Also as much as I enjoyed the show, I got a little depressed because during the whole thing it just reminded me I still don’t have a firm identity or confidence in my own music. I’d love to be able to share it with people one day without that, “well it’s not that great but here it is” mentality.

3 Likes
#91

Bough more gear for myself for my music. It’s an effect box/synth, for 100 bucks this thing is jam packed reverb, delays, chorus, filters, perfect for my older synth that doesn’t have any. Also one of the sample makers was having a sale for their entire drum sample catalogue for 50 bucks so I snatched that. Got all the 808, 909, 707, linn drum drum sounds I need now in super high quality and not having to worry about that anymore. Being able to reach for solid drum hits is super important for me, especially something like dance music. Can’t count the amount of times I went to go make a house track and fumbled around with kicks that were too weak or just overcooked with effects or processing so it didn’t slide into the track well.

Knowing my tools and what I have is so important for me. When I first started I hoarded so much garbage and the selection was overwhelming, not to mention the quality was questionable. There’s only so much originality you can do with drums, sometimes just going back to the source where it all came from is the best move because entire genres were built upon them.

2 Likes
#92

What was the company?

1 Like
#93

Samples from mars. Very meticulous with how they capture the sounds which I appreciate. I heard about them before but thought they were all hype. I got jaded from a lot of drum sample companies lol

1 Like
#94

I’ve been really struggling lately with being around family members excluding my brothers. The holidays are here and I got some invitations for get togethers. But I just don’t want to go.

I’m tired of being reminded of and pulled back into the dysfunction I’ve been trying so hard to break out of. None of them are conscious of it, it just is what it is. But that doesn’t negate how it makes me feel.

I guess I’m just depressed because yeah ideally I want to feel good around everyone. But I really don’t feel that way without effort. And for a lot of my life I played the happy family role. I’m sick of it and it hurts to perpetuate that.

I don’t know, I feel messed up. The one two punch for me with everything in my life is the events causing me to be a certain way and then the people around me or close to me wondering why I am the way I am. I’m sorry I have trust issues, I’m sorry I’m now hyper sensitive to certain triggers, I’m sorry I don’t accurately communicate my needs, I’m sorry I need to be more discerning with who I let into my life or interact with. These holidays coming up are just a painful reminder for me that a few days as a kid every year my family felt more together than it actually was.

#95

I keep having this idea to rebuild my custom with Ascension. I’m gonna sit on it for a bit. Genesis has been great so far, so I’m not sure where this is coming from. I just feel like I need more fire behind me if that makes any sense, I’m tired of not always having my back and feeling at the mercy of other people around me. At this point I don’t care if I become an asshole. Trying to please everyone and not rock the boat has been a nightmare for me.

Lol I just realized I’m still only running 1 min of my custom. Duh. Answer is to maybe bump up the exposure time if I need more focused energy. Let’s stick with the tools I’ve got and maximize them before running off to something else.

2 Likes
#96

WB 1:30 micro loop today. It’s hard to gauge the initial listening since it’s not the same version I’ve been building up with. But felt a lot of physical sensations while listening. Will see how this hits me tomorrow and the day after.

I’m very clearly past 30s though. I don’t get the same reaction I used to get which felt like a slight anxiety or aversion. Running it at 1:30 did feel more activating, but it felt more energizing vs a fear based response. Figuring out when to up the exposure has been the difficult part, but I think I’m getting a better idea.

1 Like
#97

Well here I am, today, with recon. Can’t say this one surprised me, but it feels necessary.

Found myself thinking of the recent woman I was chatting with. She said she felt I was stringing her along. Now I’ll admit I wasn’t in the best headspace but I communicated what I was struggling with at the time. That was the last I heard of her. Looking back on it, it felt like she was expecting me to pursue her and when I didn’t do that she took it as rejection.

Into the next point. I find myself feeling guilty over the idea of women pursuing and chasing after me. Ok lets be honest, not just that but the idea of them showing positive feelings towards me without me doing anything but being myself.

I know internally it goes something like this when I imagine scenarios like that. It’s like deep down there’s this intense discomfort, a feeling like I have to DO something to be worthwhile. Be funny, have a cool hobby, be incredibly attractive, have a good job, make a lot of money, etc. Literally anything but my authentic self stripped of any of that societal stuff. It’s like WB is yanking that authentic self more to the surface. At the same time it seems to trigger a lot of anxiety for me.

I’m constantly amazed the depths WB goes. Sure I can put on a good front and maybe generate attraction that way. But it’s not real, it’s a strategy vs an authentic opening of my self. And deep down, even beyond surface level attraction and sex, I’ve always felt difficult to love in some way and it’s stuck around for a lot of my life.

And I’m realizing more when I initially ran this sub I was trying to become more distanced from that by attempting to bring experiences into my life that would convince me in some way. But I kept trying to be someone else vs embracing who I was because I’ve never been comfortable with just being myself. Guess I figured out why recon got so rough on this title, it’s pushing up against a lot of fears of mine in general when it comes to relationships.

1 Like
#98

Here I am again swinging between extremes. I used to be very mindful of people, their actions, attempting to understand them. But that understanding without boundaries led to situations that weren’t good for me. So I just switched to fight mode and preparing myself for people that take advantage of me. Neither one has been good for my mental health.

It is part of the process, I won’t criticize myself for trying to establish an equilibrium in my life. But it’s not as easy as I thought it was. Some people don’t deserve openness or understanding because it only puts me in the crossfire. Conversely some people don’t need to be held at arms length for the sake of safety. All in all I think this might go back to me not being able to identify safe relationships clearly, so I implement very crude coping strategies that don’t allow for nuance.

I want to drop WB but I think that’s because it’s touching on the things I’ve been running from for most of my life. The more it exposes the more “wrong” it feels. The more it feels like it’s sad and desperate of me to be running a sub like this.That I have no business being attractive.

1 Like
#99

RoD is wild. I’m also beginning to suspect on my listening days when I know I’m going to be listening later, my mind starts re-activating the script. Anyway, here’s what happened. I was listening to music at work and going through my playlists. Decided to listen to this. Hits at 2:07

So not only did I resonate with this completely. But I learned it’s from a book called The Four Agreements. I checked to see if there was an audiobook, sure enough there was. On sale for $1.87 so I swiped that and will be listening to it very soon. Normally when stuff like this happens I look at the resource I’m being pointed to and look for other’s opinions on it but this time I just trusted myself.

Not only that but during work today I met up with my boss. Since he’s out the door soon we just started chatting about life and whatnot, I consider him more a friend than a boss at this point. He’s been trying to get into music production himself and we talked on that. I mentioned I’m looking to build out some kind of career for myself with it. Maybe licensing beats or soundtrack work. And he told me to use his exit from the company as a catalyst to go for that fully.

This has to be RoD enhancing the pathways to the subs in some way. I can’t explain it but it’s like the merger of worlds module x1000. I’ve said this before but I’ve left my spiritual seeking ways behind. However there’s always been that feeling of something missing, that the things people were so immersed in day to day wasn’t the whole picture. RoD is satisfying a long time itch in my brain. It’s just enough practical exploratory concepts on reality that can be weaved back into executing the subs. And that’s what I’ve ultimately realized about my life. I’ve spent years analyzing and dissecting, when the goal for me should be to live and experience.

1 Like
#100

As far as I’ve come in my own life, I’m still really blind to it. My boss officially left the company yesterday. The new head of the department dropped in to grab my view on things. He’s chill, been here a bit so he knows what kind of circus it can be at times. But he told me I’ve been getting a lot of praise around the office for improving our help desk. Which I knew I wasn’t doing a terrible job, but I also didn’t think it was particularly standout.

I just think to myself. What else can’t I see? What else do I deserve acknowledgement for within myself that’s more “meh anyone can do this shit” type of attitude.

Once again I’ve been having a growing awareness of behaviors that serve to protect me. Apathy is a big one. In order to not have emotional attachment to things that can be crushed by others, I convince myself I don’t care. Really convince myself. I mean I have to believe in a lie so strongly so I don’t have an awareness of the emotional suppression itself.

It’s been difficult navigating life and people with this. I know I come across different to people. I’ve tried to mask it for so long but it makes an appearance anyway, so at this point it’s wasted energy. I can’t disclose my entire life story to people to explain my behaviors and I guess that’s what makes it difficult. Living with dysfunctional relationship patterns but some people are expecting the opposite by default. And I’m trying more to show up with realness without using it as an excuse. But it’s a tricky balance.

1 Like