Genesis Custom + WB + SE the journey continues

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#61

Im committed to feeling better about myself and my life. I can say that the past few days I’ve had a huge shift in how I relate to myself. This crushing anxiety I’ve lived with for most of my life, feeling like I’m not doing enough, not achieving enough. I thought I could solve it by just putting aside my feelings and focusing on goals. If I hit those goals I’d stop feeling that way.

But it’s like missing the point of life entirely. I never got how people could just enjoy life, just going moment to moment and appreciating it. I tried, boy did I try to cultivate it and it ended up in frustration. Like a lot of things I saw it as a technique or skill to get good at vs a mindset.

I’ve had a lot of fear in my life. A lot of “how the hell am I going to do this?” It didn’t give me a lot of room to actually explore.

A lot of these subs I always worry about recon. What’s been interesting lately is how much recon shifts when the expectations for yourself change. Instead of the sub being this intimidating thing that makes me feel like I’m not doing enough, it becomes this thing that’s along for the ride of my life. Sometimes when I ran subs it just felt like I was too caught up in trying to hit the goals for the sake of goals, missing the connection within myself.

As I’ve tuned into myself and my body more I’m understanding my own personal capacities. At the moment they aren’t nearly as abundant as I’ve been lying to myself about. It’s been an adjustment, a lot of frustration but also practicing compassion. I know as small as the changes are they’re more sustainable and they’ll add up over time. This is in contrast to me forcing everything all the time and purely relying on will power.

#62

S&S has been turning up the self reflection a lot. Been pretty surprised how much a seduction title has been a catalyst for deeper looks into attachment theory and overall development stuff. But it makes sense. How can you identify and go after a relationship pattern you want that you have no intuitive understanding of? It feels a bit like an urban legend when it hasn’t been a part of your reality. It’s one thing to keep an eye out for green flags and proceed, but it’s another to naturally be drawn in and unconsciously seek those relationships out without thinking. Like the opposite of finding yourself in crappy ones.

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#63

My genesis custom definitely brought some things up today. The rest days always take me by surprise. I’m still processing my relationship with both of my parents. It’s been difficult. I was able to feel things though and let myself cry a bit. Just not obstructing the natural flow of emotions which is progress for me.

Later on today I sat down to work on one of my songs. It’s been a while since I’ve touched things. I was able to appreciate the act of creativity more vs feeling like I wasn’t doing enough.

One thing I have to get over. I’ve got studio monitors I paid 1500 for and I live in an apartment complex. So I have this anxiety of other people hearing what I’m working on and end up using my headphones instead. They feel “safer”. So I’ve been trying to transition to those more and avoid the comfort zone of going back to headphones. I’ll consider it exposure therapy, just have to commit to it.

Other than that, the more I dig into my life and how things unfolded the way they did the more it can feel like it’s not real. So I know I have to work on acknowledging things more and validated my experiences in order to truly grow.

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#64

The deeper I go into everything the more the question “what did I do wrong?” fades. I can see how the building blocks weren’t there, nothing i did could have changed that. That churning in my brain of guilt and regret has started to subside. And a small piece of energy is reclaimed for a more positive purpose.

Minds are so malleable and the resulting perspective on life is so subjective. When things start to shift it makes me question things and ask myself “what else is right in front of my face but I can’t “see”?” That alone is valuable. It’s one thing to intellectually understand what limiting beliefs are, but it’s an entirely different thing to have experiential knowledge.

I look back on my life and honestly I don’t feel like there’s been some grand learning experience. If I had what I’ve been cultivating now I would be less analytical and just enjoying life. I think the urge to try to put a positive spin on past experiences does a disservice to the grieving process of a life that could have been.

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#65

Well it finally happened, my boss decided to leave the company I work at. I knew it was coming for a bit now, but current events accelerated it.

He’s been a vital part of the company, I don’t think the business end is gonna realize how much of an impact this is gonna make. I hope they also realize I’m not in any way absorbing his responsibilities or knowledge. This isn’t a “step up and prove myself” moment because I don’t care. I’m good with my role, I don’t need anything else. And I don’t need their approval either.

I finally asserted my boundaries in a way where I didn’t give a fuck who was listening on the other end. He announced his leave in a meeting and I told everyone they need a replacement as I have my own responsibility and I’m not going to split my focus between two things.

And now we wait to see how it unfolds. I know this company, I know what they do, I know how they creep up the responsibility but that’s not happening. I swear if anyone tries to guilt trip me into taking on more work like this is my responsibility, they’re gonna get an earful. I’ve seen how this shit works. They bait you in to take on more responsibility “in the interim until we figure things out”. Then when things are fine they assume another person isn’t really needed because the work is being done. I won’t allow that.

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#66

Had a dream I dropped both WB and S&S, then my Genesis custom unfolded more. Intuitive ping? Or an attempt to get me to quit? Soon after that dream I had one with a bunch of women telling me how sexy I am and giving me attention which made me deeply uncomfortable. So I’m leaning towards quitting recon effects.

I’m on my 5 day break. When I get back everything is 1 minute now. Definitely some new challenges from WB coming through.

Forgot to mention I updated my dating apps with what I was looking for. Being honest it’s all short term, but if the right woman comes along I’m open to long. Just setting expectations from the jump. Funny thing is there are women on there who’s status is looking for long term only and I just don’t bother. Some of them I’ve seen them like me. In the past I’m ashamed to admit I’d match with them out of a scarcity mindset. But it’s disrespectful to both me and her. I’m focusing on allowing women into my life that won’t drag up drama and are emotionally secure enough to realize that I’m not automatically a bad guy or emotionally immature if I don’t want anything long term. I hate when they project their own anxiety about settling down onto other men.

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#67

I’m increasingly concerned with the amount of astroturfing and disinformation on the internet. I’ve abandoned news for a while now, I’ll still get family members be like “but how do you stay informed?” Truth be told, I can’t. How can anyone? You’re gonna dig through 20-30 articles, cross reference them, and then form some idea based on that info? Yeah while also working 40hrs a week? Good luck.

Most people use google. It’s ingrained in us at this point. They’ve been known to obscure topics from the top page results or prioritize other ones. Serious concerns there that they aren’t presenting data in an unbiased manner.

I’m just trying to make the best of my life but I can’t even know what the hell is going on around me. So I focus on my immediate circle of influence and go from there. I’m sure some people would call me ignorant, but I think it’s more dangerous to think you’re well informed when you’ve been fed a steady supply of lies.

It’s a strange duality of trying to enjoy the simple things in life while wondering what’s going on behind closed restricted access doors. There’s also some serious polarization. The balance between skepticism and grounded thinking doesn’t seem to be all that common. Either people are in a bubble or they’ve gone full blown conspiracy nut and fail to see the grey areas. Good vs evil, black and white, there’s always some villain. The nature of humankind is a strange thing. People do terrible stuff, but they also can do loving stuff.

And here i am sitting in front of a computer keeping a system running for a company that sells lighting fixtures. What the fuck am I doing with my existence? That’s the immediate thought that comes to mind.

#68

As always with my 5 day breaks, they can be quite difficult.

I did some work with my therapist yesterday to work directly with emotionally charged events of the past. Basically replacing mental imagery and something I’m learning now is that auditory stuff also plays a role in traumatic events as a kid. Possibly even more than the visual for me.

Anyway I’m trying to get out of the habit of thinking all this stuff takes a while to heal. What I’m learning more is that expectancy is based off the assumption I need to learn all the ins and outs of why things happened, what they mean, how it influenced me, etc. But that’s just a remnant of intellectualization which actually doesn’t play a part in the actual healing. It was just my mind kicking in to overdrive to figure out why this thing I’ve been stuck with for years can’t be resolved.

I wrongly have been attributing this to me holding onto things and a reluctance to change. But I think when you have the presence of that painful stuff, don’t know what to do with it, and have trouble overcoming it, it’s like being stuck. I’m learning to be more compassionate for myself, I’m not consciously choosing these patterns of fear that hold me back. As I address things more inside myself, things will fall into place. There’s no need to engage in a battle with myself to better my life.

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#69

Getting hit with the very rough “is any of this ever going to be better for me?” thoughts today.

Not really recon, this is my own stuff. This is a throwback to a time before subliminals, before endless interrnet self help dives. Where all I had was myself, but myself didn’t know what was going on and neither did my parents. And it’s this deep inner sick feeling. Like missing a home that never existed in the first place.

What can I do with this feeling? Acknowledge it, but don’t feed into the delusions surrounding it. It’s not a reflection of the future. It does point to legitimate feelings though. Things I have to make peace with and understand and stop doubting myself on. There’s a lot of pressure in families sometimes to uphold the idea of what they wanted the family to be vs recognizing what it was. I’ve had to work on letting that go as my responsibility to uphold. You can’t be blinded by the negative, true. But conversely you can’t use the positive to minimize the effects and impact of the negative. That second one is what I’ve done for most of my life.

I’m working on planning out a workstation for my music gear today. I’ve been putting it off for a while now because I felt bad about spending the money. But this is something important to me and I owe it to myself. There’s not a lot in life that brings me peace, comfort, and grounding but music is one of those things. So this is my way of giving myself self care.

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#70

Was in that space quite a bit during the last couple of weeks.

I suspect that with Zero Point, the recon is your own stuff. Or sometimes is.

Anyhow, wise reflections in this journal post.

Also, since you’re running Wanted Black, Happy 69th journal post.

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#71

Lol you know I was seriously contemplating dropping WB again today. But I decided to let the emotions pass and not make any reactionary decisions. I’ll also take this as a sign to continue. Who needs angel numbers when you’ve got 69?

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#72

I think one of the reasons I wanted to quit WB is because I’ve never felt attractive in a consistent way. And this back and forth of feeling like I can be and then feeling like it’s a waste of time has been really extreme for me.

It’s definitely the looks department, but more than that is how it doesn’t feel genuine. In the past anytime someone was attracted to me they got attracted to an image I projected and not myself. So it inevitably collapsed.

In order for WB or even S&S to work for me it has to be experiences built upon being my authentic self without all the anxious compulsions to look better.

I can be charismatic when I need to, but it’s always been a performance. I’m not saying I can’t be charismatic, I think I just need to learn to channel it in a way where it doesn’t feel forced for me.

I don’t know I guess this is tied into my battle of having difficulty expressing myself.

But I know trying to feel more attractive always tends to make me feel worse, like I’m trying too hard to prove something to myself deep down I don’t believe at all.

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#73

It’s funny how when people take advantage of me or try to offload work onto me at my job I’m the one that feels like I’m doing something wrong.

I had this guy email me because he didn’t want to lose momentum on a project and he asked me to reach out to the other guy leading the project to get a status update. I read the email chain and none of it was technical in nature. So I told him that and ccd the guy who was leading the project and he got his answer, waiting on an SOW. Why he couldn’t have just emailed that guy directly and left me out of it I have no idea.

I’m getting really reactionary with this stuff. I’m trying to channel it into a professional manner and tell people what they’re doing wrong. But I’m losing patience. I’m so far beyond the point of “oh maybe they misunderstood”. No. I’m done making excuses for why people do the things they do, that’s not my job to figure out.

I’ve burned so much energy in the past trying to be a mediator. And while those skills aren’t completely useless, I’m not considering other people first anymore. I’m not ignoring my feelings.

I was reading about this. How when you start really processing trauma and working on identifying toxic environments your tolerance actually goes down. You become increasingly unable to stand stuff. That’s what I’m going through now. I’m not people pleasing and I’m not trying to correct some balance of dysfunction at my job by taking on more responsibility. But it doesn’t really feel good. I feel like a bad person. I feel like I"m the problem. But I know that’s not what it is. Empowering myself inherently feels wrong because it goes against my survival patterns.

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#74

I’m using this current company as a training ground until I’m ready to leave. That’s always been my fear starting new jobs. Who to trust, what be to look out for, how to set my boundaries, and how to not let fear lock me into a toxic environment.

These next few weeks I need to work on my interview questions that help me determine if a company is a good fit for me. I’ve got a few in mind that will make morally questionable people squirm in their chair or get defensive. Emotionally Immature people are everywhere and they hold positions of power, my biggest mistake in life was assuming abusive people didn’t get far in life. How wrong I was.

Overall still feeling like crap. Why I put myself into these situations and stay in them. Why I can’t just leave. Why my performance at a job still cuts deep to my self worth and people exploit that. And by why I don’t mean what caused it, I’m well aware of what did. My why is questioning why it’s so damn difficult to just do the right thing for myself and take care of my needs.

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#75

Worked on a track a bit last night. Trying to find a good workflow for myself. My brain doesn’t like working linearly. It usually has an idea, I get excited, I pack in a whole bunch of ideas. What ends up happening is I wrote the peak of the song vs the intro and I have to backtrack. Either that or just playing things out live, muting, tweaking, and just recording.

My mpc pretty much does that. You can write unrelated patterns and just chain them together. I don’t know why I don’t leverage that more. I feel like I have to be more disciplined and write in a more structured way.

I feel like it’s fear. Like if I don’t discipline myself enough to be a “real” writer I’ll never make good enough songs.

But interestingly enough this feels like the untouchable module at work. For most of my life nobody took the time to understand how my mind works or what’s best for me. I just struggled and people went “oh well get used to it, that’s how things work”. It’s followed me into every area of my life. I’ve always seen it as a lack of discipline. But maybe it’s just suppressed creativity and problem solving. I’ve been conditioned not to trust my own highly intuitive skills to function and forced to adopt the equivalent of a cheap imitation of what society deems the gold standard just because people didn’t believe I might have different cognition.

So I just burn 5x as much mental energy for half the result most other people get. If I just found my own lane I know I could build something better for myself.

#76

Had a dream last night I was waiting to go somewhere with friends. But I got on the train too early and got separated. Then when I texted them my message came out all garbled like autocorrect was broken on my phone. Then I just had a level of unreasonable panic.

It got me thinking. I want everyone to see me as a fully capable independent adult, but beneath all of it I just feel like a scared child. It’s this constant tension. Apparently how everyone perceives me is still more important than how I actually feel.

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#77

WB loop today. Realizing a heavy chunk of my recon on this title is trying to hold back or suppress sexual energy. I’m not doing it consciously, I just realized what it was today. It’s somehow “bad”.

Something interesting that I’ve been having to work on in therapy is how emotions aren’t an endless abyss. Meaning I won’t get submerged in them and never come out again. I think it’s the same thing with trying to understand my sexuality, I think if I just allow it I’ll go off the rails and I’ll do something stupid because I had sex on my mind. I don’t know how to describe it accurately. It’s for sure a shunned part of me, not integrated in me at all in terms of being a human being. Some heavy shame around it, I noticed when I was allowing it all today I felt sick to my stomach like it shouldn’t be there.

Possibly S&S doing its thing uncovering this stuff. Feeling absolutely awful about expressing this side of myself to any women so work to be done there.

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#78

Such a strange thing how I respond to positive improvements.

Someone could be like “here I have something that can help you feel better” my brain is like nope nope nope.

I’m trying to figure out why this happens. It might be fear of what’s on the other side, who I am without it, regret about not being able to change for all those years. I’m working with my therapist on it.

Another one is guilt. This is more tied to my childhood. When I was a kid and something was wrong in the house I felt like I had to put off any enjoyment or I wasn’t allowed to be happy because it was selfish when my parents were stressed.

So instead of resolving this with my go to tool (incessantly thinking) I’m just going to be doing things. My therapist spoke about just doing enjoyable activities that are low effort. I know that seems painfully obvious to most people, but it’s something I have and currently still struggle with a lot. Once my desk is built out for music I have another one for my computer that’s gonna give me a lot of space. I’m thinking of breaking out my drawing tablet and just sketching ideas and things.

Life is too serious for me and the situation I’m in is actually pretty decent compared to where I was. Just goes to show you can change a lot of the external but that’s not always where it comes from.

#79

No more Ascension Chamber for me. Not only do I get the worst recon from it but I generally don’t see much improvement in my life from it. By that I mean it creates so much emotional upheaval for me my other subs get bottlenecked.

@AnswerGroup I know you can’t give away the scripting for AC but I’ve tried on this title as much as I could. I only run a minute once a week. I had a week where I forgot to run it and everything was so much more smooth for me in terms of processing. But I’m stubborn and was convinced I was doing something wrong. What could be in AC causing such a polarizing reaction in me? I heard it’s mostly the primer which talks about positive things. Recently I’ve come to the realization I have conflicting feelings to overly positive sentiment.

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#80

Battled putting together my desk today but I did it. Instructions were trash. Got irrationally angry today at this thing. Might have been struggling with perfectionism and having it be good. At the end of the day if it supports my gear and adjusts up and down, mission accomplished. Yeah a few of these screws went in crooked but fuck it.

Got a secondary shelf I’m setting up for my monitors and then I’ll be putting it all together. Having a dedicated music workstation is long overdue. I’m hoping the set away space will help me get into everything more. Having everything in arms reach, eye level, and also being able to stand and work on stuff.

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