Genesis Custom + WB + SE the journey continues

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#41

Good thing I’ve got pride unbroken in my custom. Seems right up the alley for this.

Sidenote she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in the past. Me being me, I thought if I just saw beyond her struggles it could work. No, it really just made me a target for abuse. She really twisted my head up. I asked one of my other friends how she perceives me and it wasn’t in the realm of what this other girl thought.

The lesson learned here was two things. One, for most of my life I’ve burdened myself with being responsible for others emotions. And two, always get feedback from other people in my life before jumping to conclusions. When you interact with someone, try to resolve things, split the responsibility, but they want to just continue to paint you as some villain for specifying boundaries and difficulties, it’s time to leave.

The biggest punch in the gut was her oversharing with me then getting upset at me for doing that. Like I was supposed to stop her or something.

I guess lesson three is I’m still at a point in my life where I can very easily invite abuse into my life without realizing it.

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#42

Screw it. Running the new S&S. I’ll come back to Rebirth if that doesn’t pan out but I wanna give this a spin. That NRE has me curious.

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#43

Definitely need some more positive experiences to get me out of this hole with regards to dating and relationships.

Just need to have more. Crash and burn, whatever. Learn to stop putting so much pressure on myself to make things work. Need some perspective on what it’s like when you’re comfortable, a mutual communication going on, shit just working.

Botched my communication with that other girl from a few weeks back. I told her my head was all twisted up from my other friend putting me through a rollercoaster. But I guess I waited too long to reach out again and she believes I ghosted her. I hate that term. It has no clear definition so people can define it for themselves which is a fucking disaster. I’m just sitting here thinking “you could have reached out to me?” That’s not unreasonable right? I don’t know why I feel it is at times. Like as a guy I need to carry everything and lead, I don’t do that.

On top of that I’m trying to break my habit of feeling so responsible for how other people feel. How they interpret an event or situation is not me. I can communicate my side but I’m not going to engage in people pleasing behavior and be a martyr for stuff anymore. Sucks though because it’s been fucking with my ability of knowing when I should really apologize for something. Obviously I don’t want to invalidate people but my boundaries are so goddamn muddied I’ve always just stayed on the side of being overly apologetic.

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#44

Thinking about it more the topic of seduction and sex has been a thorn in my side for a while. I fully admit I’m clueless and suck at it, so that’s my first step to growth here. Being honest with myself. I’m ready to work on developing this part of me.

I thought I could get there with WB given enough time. But I figure this couldn’t hurt to help me take more action. Even though WB isn’t a beginner title I figured I would grow into it eventually so I opted for a personally more difficult challenge to fuel growth in me.

Something about missing the sailed ship of connections and romance when younger really does a number on me. I didn’t get those experiences. So it can be incredibly embarrassing dealing with interactions and just constantly dropping the ball.

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#45

Found myself looking at old posts. DR specifically. I was like “maybe that’s what I need?”. Fact is I don’t “need” anything to improve my ability to hold space for my emotions. At this point I know it was trauma and I know it was neglect. But in this moment, right now is when I choose to start understanding those emotions and validating them. Not when I finish a behemoth like DR.

Truthfully my life has felt worse and worse lately. I’ve been struggling with my music. The web development course gives me massive anxiety when I try to do some lessons. But it’s all been a shifting awareness. This stuff has always been here, I just had really unhealthy coping around it. Now my mind is trying to relearn how to approach things in a way that’s efficient. It’s better long term that I rebuild associations with learning and challenges that doesn’t cause crippling anxiety. And no the answer isn’t to just “push through” that’s what got me in this mess.

Going to be upping my Genesis custom to 1 min today because I feel like I’ve plateaued a bit. Put in a support ticket the other day about when is the right time to up exposure time. Can’t be afraid of overexposure like I’ve done in the past, I need to grow. But knowing when the right time is can be difficult.

Also the Untouchable module. Really feeling like this is me right now. I can’t wear a mask anymore and pretend that my past life experiences haven’t profoundly impacted me. It’s a tricky thing. The focus is always on growth and healing, I don’t want to actively reinforce the past. But at the same time I’ve spent most of my life brushing it off and being like “eh it wasn’t so bad”. It kinda was bad for me, my temperament, my situation. “Bad” is so subjective, but I’ve seen how my life unfolded and that’s all the evidence I really need.

Untouchable will help you tell others any truths you have to reveal without being unfairly judged and treated.

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#46

So really really interesting experience. I ran my custom today. First 30s, usual sort of internal happenings in my emotional state. As soon as I moved past 30s, felt like fireworks went off in my head and my brain was intrigued with the “new” scripting I was hearing. I don’t know if that’s relevant or what, having 0 idea how these are built out. But I think 1 min is safe for me at this point. Truth be told I probably could have upped it last week but I was worried. Well we’ll see tomorrow I guess, still too early to gauge recon from the beginning of the day.

Also ran 30s of S&S today. Had some weird dreams last night related to it. But I pretty much fell asleep with the phone in hand reading the description so I kind of primed myself for that one.

#47

Ah shit. Maybe this is polarization from WB and I took it personally?

#48

I think it might feel worse because you’re getting stronger. So you’re facing more things head-on.

In addition to everything else, remember the amazing power of habituation.

It’s real. If you hold a position for a while (a reasonable at least semi-healthy position), it gets less overwhelming. It’s kind of crazy sometimes. But it’s real.

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#49

A nice way of framing it thanks. Yeah. You know when I first started therapy my therapist said it’s gonna get bad at times. It’s definitely the most conflicting thing I’ve been through. It’s like “oh you have more capacity now? Here you go, your prize is extra pain” lol. I’m not as hung up on it like the “why me?” stage I got caught in with the past. It just is interesting with the capacity for growth the goal posts shift and you can lose sight.

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#50

I think the recipe is:

  1. Train to get stronger and stronger
  2. Open to get braver and braver with your vulnerability and tenderness

Do both.

Get hurt.

Keep doing them.

See the world.

Have adventures.

Get into yourself.

Get over yourself.

Do it all over and over again.

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#51

insert [“100” icon]

oh.

Here it is:

:100:

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#52

Gonna be reading the Genesis objectives and product description again to get me into that headspace.

This is it man, you nail it 100%. The most profound thing I’m learning is I CAN get hurt and my world won’t fall apart. Learning to trust myself, this is life. Before subclub I was so obsessed with using subliminals and any other subconscious methods of programming to facilitate the optimal life experience and avoid pain and hurt. Irony being that’s what I needed the most. This is probably in my natal chart somewhere lol.

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#53

These two sentences, for me, are almost like the catchphrase for Genesis.

Yeah, that is probably right. haha.

In my own chart, there’s a prominently placed Cancer. That sets a person up to be a sensitive observer and explorer, but one who can easily feel hurt, overwhelmed, and spurred to avoidance.

All of those boxes have been checked for me.

I also have a stellium (a three or more planet combination) in the 4th House. In other words, in the House that corresponds to Cancer. In short: more of the same.

Cancer is symbolized by a Crab, but a (non-nasty) snail would be equally appropriate. Or maybe one of those octopuses that can hide inside of coconut or clam shells.

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The point is that when it comes to that Cancer energy, there’s very little in the way of hard protection. All of the points have been devoted to maximizing sensitive observation. The result is the potential for exquisite, rich, deeply-nuanced perceptions of the world; combined with exquisite discomfort when the world starts to make very much contact.

It’s a thing that a person learns to manage more skillfully (and gracefully) over time.

One of my mantras: It’s Not Personal.

None of this shit is personal.

hahaha.

(okay, maybe some of it is. but the mantra helps anyway.)

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#54

I vaguely recall cancer being in my chart somewhere. I gotta break that out and take a look. It makes a lot of sense.

The interesting thing to me with astrology is they are inborn traits, but how they express themselves in life can still be very contingent upon how you’re treated early in life. I’m sure if things were different and I learned better emotional management that sensitivity would seem more like an advantage vs a hindrance. Kind of like gene expression and environmental influences. I can see now I did blame the sensitivity a lot growing up, but it’s really the processing and holding space for emotions I struggled with. When your only guidance is “stop being so sensitive” which is as hardwired as your eye color, it brings on a massive cognitive dissonance.

All that being said. I feel like I’m learning a lot. Some of the insights I have learned make everything surreal. Genesis is all about exploration. But I’ve noticed a part of that is my internal world, there’s still so much to learn and venture into on an emotional level. It’s been blowing my mind. Most of it has been stuck behind fear.

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#55

This stack is getting interesting now.

When I first started WB I didn’t want to be “that guy”. By “that guy” I mean the type of guy who gets hatred thrown at him for not wanting to settle down. So honestly some of my interactions with women were incongruent. I kept having this moral nagging or shaming running in my head that I was shallow or a terrible human being for just wanting to have good times and sex. But today I just embraced it. I understand that inevitably as I get more attention and I’m more honest and forthcoming about what I want SOMEONE will get on their moral high horse and try to shout at me.

Thing is I’ve put a ton of work into myself over the years. I’ve had to rely on myself. I didn’t reach out for support, I didn’t express my needs. A lot of that is due to my upbringing and the neglect I experienced. But it’s built a self reliance and strength in me that can be confusing to others. I do need to learn to express my needs better and be honest with myself, there’s definitely work that needs to be done there. But my eyes have been opened to how some long term relationships are this weird cycle of trying to fill attachment disorders and unmet needs from childhood. I see the media perpetuate these ideas of what relationships should look like. My point being, I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t own their stuff. I’m not going to subject myself to projections and fantasies that are outside the realm of reality. Especially when I know I don’t NEED a relationship. You become willing to put up with a lot of shit when you’re getting strung along by those traumas.

Part of that is ME owning my stuff. I know I struggle with boundaries, fawning behaviors, unclear wants and needs, and just generally a lack of living life to the fullest and learning about myself through that. So for me it makes absolutely 0 sense for me to engage in anything long term when I don’t even know what I would want from someone long term. So the goal now is to just put myself out there, learn, experience, have fun, get rid of this pressure that I’m doing something wrong or not doing relationships the “right” way. Figure out what I do want and then go from there. I’ll know when it’s time, but I can see quite clearly now I don’t know shit.

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#56

A lot of people talk about not comparing yourself to others. But it seems to always center on achievements or what you have. The one I’ve struggled with the most is emotional pain. Two people can go through an identical event and they won’t turn out the same. There’s so many thoughts that always ran through my head, what did I do wrong and why didn’t I bounce back from these things in my life? Always trying to figure out the why. But the why was just a clever mental distraction to distance me from those emotions.

To me there was always some invisible standard where things were painful enough to even begin to give myself compassion. It’s like I was constantly looking outward for confirmation that what I felt warranted compassion in the first place by comparing myself to others.

It’s funny I was watching a youtube video the other day for healing from trauma and traps people fall into. A big one was that awareness does not equal being healed and boy did I feel that one. I could probably write pages on why I turned out the way I did, but it ultimately doesn’t matter because it’s all about how I choose to treat myself now and that’s it. It can be a slap in the face if you’ve gone your whole life thinking awareness would be the path out, but then you come to realize it’s the skills and habits for emotional health you’ve abandoned over the years. Awareness can shine a light on it, but it’s only part of the solution.

#57

I forgot to write this down. I was in a half awake half asleep state this morning. I get these sometimes. There’s a wall down, emotions are flowing without judgement. I just remember feeling this deep painful feeling of not being good enough. Which kind of surprised me because I thought I was beyond that. Clearly not. So instead of falling back into my usual spiral where I feel like I haven’t made growth or I’m forever battling. I turned my attention inward and just sat with the feeling for most of the day. Well to be more specific I did some cleaning while allowing it to be there. Oddly enough one of the things I’m realizing is I never learned how to integrate emotions into every day life. Meaning the times I was open to emotion was meditation, deep thought, relaxation, but all the other times I just shut them off and did what needed to be done in my world. They’ve been very binary, on or off with very little in between.

Anyway I cleaned as much as I could, not much but it was something. Took a walk, got some food, came back to my apartment. Felt the pain and criticism of not being productive enough, sat with that too Realized I have so many expectations when the weekend rolls around as if the entire week didn’t happen and I’ll magically have more energy just because I don’t have work.

I’m learning a lot. Productivity isn’t just about the act of doing. It’s about understanding what the capacity is and utilizing that energy in an efficient way to better my own life. Otherwise if I disregard that and try to power through I’ll magically find myself collapsing on my couch or bed scrolling through my phone in an attempt to avoid the painful feelings of not hitting some productivity metric for myself.

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#58

I’ve been reading up on human design. Really interesting concepts. I’m taking pieces of it and seeing what’s relevant.

I’m a generator, but I operate from my sacral authority. One thing it emphasizes is responding, but responding based on my sacral response. The sacral response seems very vague right now for me. It’s an internal yes or no, yes this is right for me or no it isn’t. I had a think about this. I also ran a 1 minute loop of WB yesterday and I’ve been feeling wiped out ever since. Got me thinking if I should attempt something different with my listening schedule.

One of the things I’m reading is that it 's important for generators to utilize their energy efficiently. I had wrote about that in my previous post, but I actually hadn’t read about that concept in human design yet. So some weird matching up there and timing.

Anyway I think moving forward I’m just going to listen for my internal response if I should run a sub that day or not vs sticking to a rigid schedule. Listening to the mind over the sacral authority is apparently what lands me into trouble. And I can see that, when I think I should do something I often don’t weigh in how I really feel about said thing I just impose it on myself. I think I’m doing the right thing or exercising discipline but really I’m not listening and responding to what I really need.

It’s always the fear of not doing enough, but ultimately I have to be able to trust myself. When to speed up, when to slow down, not just trying to impose a way of operating over myself in hopes it eventually sticks. The subs are a tool, they work better with agreement from the deepest parts of myself.

Generators are often conditioned to initiate rather than embrace receptivity. Instead of Waiting to Respond, you find yourself caught in a constant cycle of trying to make things happen, only to end up feeling perpetually Frustrated when things don’t seem to work out as expected.

#59

New strategy I’m trying for my life. Asking myself, do I have the energy for this? If it’s a no, take it easy and do what I can. If it’s yes, proceed. Yesterday I got roped into some dumb shit in the morning. Somehow all our licenses for our erp software got unassigned over night. Then there was one user who was caught in limbo so I couldn’t reassign the license. Anyway all the advice I read online was like “reboot the server” and I’m thinking fuck no that’s a terrible idea.

Long story short I figured it out later at night. But I fell into the trap of burning too much energy due to worry. Anxiety came back. Faced with a challenge and mounting pressure from the business end, I still can’t fully detach. So I’m pretty shot today.

Learning to say no at work, that’s also a goal. Not to people directly though there’s that too. But the work I place on myself. Is it a lot of work? No not really objectively. Is it a lot of work when I’m trying to grow, process complex trauma, and reinforce positive habits? Yes absolutely. That’s the hard part I haven’t been able to give myself yet, I somehow always get dragged back into expending more of my energy I realistically have to give.

#60

Something that’s been gnawing at me. Do I really need a plan for life at this stage? Is what I’m planning going to actually make me feel good or is it something I’m putting together because I feel I should?

More specifically I need to get better at discerning what I think I should do vs what I want to do. This is my life after all. Why would I pour time and energy into something in hopes it gives me security?

I think everyone’s lives unfold in different ways. And I’ve been comparing myself unfairly. I need to find what works for me, not what others tell me will work.

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