Genesis Custom + WB + SE the journey continues

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#21

I have such a weird relationships with electronic music. Maybe this is what’s kicking up the recon. Or maybe it’s a combination of a bunch of stuff.

So I’ve tried and I’m continuing to try to find new artists music wise but I find it so damn difficult. I just hear a lot of tracks that are, I don’t even know how to put it into words. It’s like something is missing. Aesthetically it’s pleasing, but it seems like it lacks strong identity. When Tech House made a more modern appearance a few years ago and a few of my friends were trying to get me into it I just couldn’t vibe with it. It just felt like dance music made exclusively for partying. So it was just really vanilla or safe. I’ve even heard some modern techno that’s just so stripped of its rawness.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I see stuff that’s popular, I see how it generates them income, I see how plenty of other people like it. But it does nothing for me. I’m not a contrarian or anything, it just so happens very popular things have never appealed to me. But then I think to myself “if I’m not into this and I’m not taking influence from it, then how am I gonna do anything with my music? Who’s gonna really take interest in what I do?”

I’ve seen more examples of people jumping on trends, doing what’s popular, and reaping the rewards of it vs daring to be different, unique, or challenging what people expect.

But at the same time maybe I’m just full of shit and my music isn’t doing anything differently either. But it feels like sometimes watching everyone else slide into these circles or communities and it just works. Whereas for me I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.

#22

Had an idea today to build a music streaming platform. Like SoundCloud with a community and interaction, but for the artists and listeners. To help discover new and up and coming ones and also share.

No ads, no shitty algorithms that just promote what’s popular, no preferential treatment for already established famous artists (everyone gets equal exposure based on real metrics of how popular something is), no pay to play or cheating the system.

I loved SoundCloud a few years back. But they betrayed their initial vision. Already established artists don’t need anymore exposure. There’s no place for small time people to connect except YouTube and even then the algorithm dictates all. Everyone wants to make money off artists but it’s rare the artists are respected or given back to.

It just blows my mind how vast the Internet is and how interconnected and yet when it comes to music it’s all overshadowed by who has more money to throw around or who already has established clout.

Gonna do some research. Maybe it’s already been done. I wouldn’t be adding anything new tech wise, but I’d build it on firm principles to help artists not exploit them.

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#23

Had an old udemy course on web development I never did and just bought another course on using ReactJS libraries.

Following those intuitive pings. I know nothing about web development, but I know enough that that libraries have come a long way vs just building stuff from the ground up in html and css.

Long term project. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m gonna give this a shot. Maybe I learn I like web development in the process, who knows. I have some experience with SQL already due to my job and pretty good understanding of database structure.

The important thing is this feels different and is something I feel like I can take action on in a small way every day that might lead to something better. And that’s just giving me alternatives which is helping me feel better.

Other than that I’ve noticed my tolerance for people is way down. Not in a good way either. I read 3 emails from people the other day at my job, each one pissed me off more than the last. I needed to step away from my desk because of how much anger I was dealing with. But when I came back I was able to push back on their ridiculous expectations. I think people are quick to pawn off responsibilities to whoever is most responsible and grabs it first.

What I’ve learned and still am learning is that I’m replaying my old childhood dynamics of taking responsibility for things I shouldn’t have to in order to maintain stability. But no more of that. I’m learning what real responsibility is vs old wounds being reactivated.

Just one example. This past week I pushed a change through into production that was supposed to be tested thoroughly by business in the testing database. Lo and behold they did the bare minimum and it broke shit. Then everyone panicked and emailed my team about fixing it. I calmly went back to the initial request, informed everyone what went wrong here and asked the developers to roll back the changes, then I stepped away. That was it, I did my part and that’s all I was gonna do.

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#24

Worked on the web dev course a bit yesterday. Hello crippling fear and self doubt. I have a lot of learning anxiety. Hated school and hated being subjected to teaching methods that didn’t do anything for me. So every time I go into a structured course for anything, even though there’s no tests, no outside judgement, and no real repercussions if I take my time, I get the worst anxiety.

Solution is simple right? Do it anyway. Yeah but stress and anxiety is scientifically proven to diminish focus and learning capacity. So I’m just doing as much as I can every day to my capacity.

This is the kind of stuff I’ve dealt with all my life and never found a solution for. Which is why I only have an associates degree and most of my knowledge was developed at my job learning.

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#25

I’m very mindful of not pushing my beliefs or viewpoints on anyone else. If I have something to say I frame it as a collection of evidence from my own biased experiences in life. This makes me look uncertain about a lot of things. I’ve had so much radical shifts in everything this past year regarding my life and I’ve realized this flexibility in mindset is both a strength and weakness.

A strength because it leaves me open to learn more about the world and understand my own knowledge is a drop in the ocean. A weakness because I very often doubt the knowledge I do have. Also when people present with more confidence on a subject I can very easily bend and unconsciously take in their views. I have to learn I can consider other viewpoints but I don’t need to agree. But let’s be real, some people are really pushy and think their way is the correct way.

On the other hand not having strong opinions or beliefs can be a defensive mechanism. A way to not stir up controversy. Nothing is all that clear to me with this stuff. What’s being open minded vs afraid.

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#26

On my second rest day and feeling kind of awful. Going out into public I feel really weird. Like I don’t belong there like everyone else walking around. I know it’s not the truth, I just feel it.

I hung out with a friend yesterday. We were talking about travel outside the US and how I wanted to get outside the country at least once. But then he asked me where I’d want to go and I didn’t have an answer. Then his gf started listing off all these ideas like what do you enjoy? Food, seeing different people, landmarks, historical spots, climate, etc. And then I had this moment where i was like, I just don’t know I don’t feel anything towards that stuff.

But then I realized I can’t remember the last time I looked forward to something in my life that wasn’t related to friends or family. I feel kind of dead inside and I’ve been trying to get the spark going but the connection to appreciating stuff isn’t clicking in my brain. Kind of tired of stressing over trying to enjoy thing vs just enjoying them. Guess I’ll see how i feel tomorrow. It is only day 2 after all.

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#27

I don’t have the exact same talents and life experiences as you, but still some of the mindsets and mindstates feel very familiar to me.

A lot of it seems influenced by The Introvert’s Fallacy. It basically reverses the causal relationship between Experiencing and Understanding. It says, ‘Once I understand things properly, then I’ll be finally be able to experience them properly.’

It’s like some sort of mental reflex or something. Faced with a sense of dissatisfaction, the first thing you do is: Contemplate.

Sometimes it helps.

Other times, the Contemplation becomes Rumination and then that becomes Frustration.

And in the midst of all of that swirling malaise of intensity, it’s so easy to forget: ‘Oh right, I haven’t actually experienced that much yet.’

I think some things that help, generally, are:

Self-Acceptance, Radical Acceptance practice.

Systematic, objective learning over time.

and

Forced field-trips; even though they may feel arbitrary and contrived sometimes.

Not mistaking being ‘In Progress’ for ‘Failure’.

That last one is often the result of arbitrary, unrealistic timeframes.

It is VERY easy to have arbitrary, unrealistic timeframes.

Because in the absence of realistic guidelines for time frame, we default to ‘Emotion States’ and ‘Things I’ve heard from other People’.

It’s the adult version of ‘Are We There Yet?’

The reason children ask that is that they actually have no idea where they’re going. They don’t ask it on the way to the store, or on the way to school. Because they know where those places are.

But when they don’t know, they (somewhat reasonably) assume they should be there by ‘Whenever I feel Restless’-o’clock. It’s ‘somewhat reasonable’ because, well, to be fair, what other standard do they have to go by?

As adults, there are still many places we journey to that we don’t quite know where they are. And basically, the adult version of the same thing happens.

I’m in it too. Anyway.

Godspeed.

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#28

oh yeah. Also wanted to share this. See if it sounds familiar:

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#29

Ah yeah. This haunts me every time I get stuck in this state. Very familiar with the Fi-Si loop. I know exactly what I have to do, I just fail to do it.

I think the forced field trips are important. Probably the most important thing in my life at this point. That’s why I started running Genesis, I knew I wasn’t getting much out of life in general. And I knew I needed to build new experiences because old ones I fell back on did me no good.

Maybe I should swap out sanguine elixir for rebirth. I think I’m going to try that. I’ve been learning in therapy I wasn’t given a chance to have a fully formed identity and an important part of improving my life is just being able to live and do more to build that. But it seems like the past definitely has a chokehold on me and says “you’re not this or you can’t be this”. But when I ask who I am or what I’m really like? ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ Goddamn troll of a brain.

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#30

Yeah think I’m gonna get on Rebirth when I start back up again. I sent in a ticket to support to get their opinion. But it does seem like I’m chained to this concept of myself that’s heavily tied to the past and who I think I am. It’s such a fine line between acknowledging your past and how it’s shaped you vs being stuck in it.

#31

Everything I experienced in my past resulted in how I am today. I’m not running Rebirth yet, but I feel like I’m trying to let go of the past more and focus on my life.

I watched some home videos yesterday. The love my parents gave me was undeniable, but like my therapist said love isn’t the only necessity for raising a kid.

I’m hurting pretty bad today. Those videos are snapshots in time I guess, they don’t tell the whole story. I wish it stayed that way, with everyone happy in my family. I’ve just closed down over the years, I didn’t want to go through that pain again.

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#32

Been messed up this past day. Continued into today, took off work.

With Genesis and WB it’s becoming clearer to me day by day my core temperament as a child hasn’t been overcome. I’ve just learned to pretend a lot of the time. I want real confidence, I want to feel like it’s “me” not just a performance I put over the top to protect myself.

As a kid I was afraid, unsure, needing extra attention. In short I wasn’t “easy”. I’m filled with complicated emotions now. Thinking if only I was a more fearless kid, if I was less sensitive, less needy, maybe i would have fit in my family more. This guilt and shame for having different developmental needs has followed me into adulthood.

I do think Rebirth is the way to go on this. So much of my current problems are just me being unable to mold a new identity outside of (ironically enough) feeling unwanted and fundamentally flawed in some way. And the reason is I have triggers and emotional flashbacks that make it hard to step out of that identity. They’re like chains to the past that keep me anchored there.

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#33

Intellectualization needs to take a back seat. I’m constantly amazed at just how much insight or self awareness rarely translates into emotional acknowledgement. Maybe like 10%? The other 90% is a neuroticism of trying to fix a problem on a level and part of the mind it didn’t occur in. But hey that’s been my life, I always thought if I just figured out some mysterious problem or just thought about things another way the pain would go away.

I’m slowly dismantling this. I had to learn as a child how to sidestep more “negative” emotions in whatever way I could in order to satisfy my parents. I guess my mind is always thinking, contemplating, trying to stay two steps ahead instead of being because that’s all I know. Being is emotional honesty and it’s not controllable and it leaves me vulnerable. My mind doesn’t like that.

#34

Masterclass has been teaching me a lot. More specifically understanding that growth happens independent of belief. I’ve had so much unaddressed shit for most of my life, I thought if I just believed it had no pull on me that would be enough. But that hasn’t worked out. In a lot of ways that was the problem, being so in denial and doubling down on magical thinking.

#35

Ran my Genesis custom along with rebirth this morning. Oddly enough I notice less recon. In fact less recon than Sanguine hmmmm.

Maybe I’m on to something here. It’s not so much what the changes represent, but the cognitive dissonance when presenting two very different perspectives on identity. I do notice consciously I have a tendency to think about everything through past situations and experiences. So it makes sense on a subconscious level that’s even deeper. Running Rebirth seems to fix that trauma loop a bit.

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#36

I’m still debating how to go about healing. I still believe that experience is the greatest healing. However I also recognize there’s some really twisted up stuff inside me that acts as a barrier to feeling my emotions. It’s most definitely tied to the past, hence Rebirth. Possibly a multi part approach here for myself. Disconnect from the past and stop replaying that stuff in my life, then focus in on current feelings that don’t immediately get suppressed because of those past experiences. I think my Genesis custom has good support in that direction.

Overall it’s been frustrating. I see how this strong ties to the past makes it hard to see the progress I’ve made because it feels like I’m constantly back there. Not with the entirety of my being, just a part of me. Also in order to grow and develop I need to process emotions, but that’s actually my biggest weakness I’m coming to learn. So a lot of things coming into awareness I have to work on that are survival based, so it’s been something I’m focusing on with my therapist.

#37

Trying to get past the anxiety to uncover the emotions underneath. But I failed to realize I have to acknowledge the anxiety first because that’s a legitimate emotion. That’s MY emotion, not some artificial barrier holding me back I have to fight.

The funny thing here is anxiety or fear is my most bypassed emotion. It didn’t grant me fearlessness. Just the opposite, I never learned how to manage it.

Everyone is always like ignore the fear do it anyway. Well I did that. But there’s a certain point I’ve hit where I’ve realized this is just self neglect. The same neglect from my parents when I had these difficult emotions as a child. There’s acknowledging fear and working through it and then there’s “your feelings aren’t important do it anyway” coping. The second is what I’ve done for most of my life.

One thing I appreciate about WB is the deep dive into emotions and understanding them. It’s chaotic as hell for me right now, but I need this. If I can’t feel, if I can’t process, and I can’t validate I can’t even form connection with others.

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#38

It sounds like you’re going through a valuable process.

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#39

It’s humbling that’s for sure. Going my whole life thinking I understood emotions and how to manage them. I have to scrap everything and that’s scary because that’s all I knew in order to keep me safe. But I also see how limited it is and I don’t have a death grip on it anymore. It’s all been incredibly surreal feeling. Learning that this isn’t just dropping some guard down or being more of myself, it’s a whole process that can’t be rushed or hurried along.

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#40

Reading that alpha/status masterclass today. Read the section about people just leaving from your life or getting into arguments. Then I get a message from a friend I’ve been on shaky ground with. Deciding she wants to cut me out for the third time.

Tells me she knows nothing about me, can’t reach me, and that she doesn’t like the relationship. I asked her why she didn’t communicate this earlier, she doesn’t know. All our conversations up till this point seemed fine. I asked her why, she didn’t have an answer. Just kept telling me I’m unreachable. But when I ask her to elaborate she just says I don’t know, it’s just not what I need.

The first time she cut me out it hurt, but I was self loathing anyway so I was in my “everyone leaves eventually” mood. The second time I was more vulnerable and shared my difficulties with relationships in general and was willing to work with her and it sucked having her close me out again. This third time, I think I’m done. I’m not going to try to repair the relationship because I know that’s not a true desire it’s just my trauma playing out.

I take the blame for all relationships and never consider the other side. It’s always something I did wrong vs the other person not meeting me. I will apologize excessively to the point I put myself in a victim state. It just sucks being honest and straightforward with struggles, everything seeming fine, then having them decide “i’m sorry you’re too much work to deal with” . Great.

As shitty as it is I’m not bending over backwards to try to repair it, I know this isn’t my responsibility to make this work. I know this isn’t a safe relationship for me so I have no desire to maintain it anymore.

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