Genesis Custom + WB + SE the journey continues

Starting my new custom today, probably my most focused one to date that has a very specific purpose for me. After I built it I was like “oh now I understand customs”.

Genesis standalone was good, but I knew my weak points I needed to work on and what kind of support I needed to cultivate for myself. Also included music related goals in there because I know that’s an area I will be taking immediate action in.

Ego Adsum
Negativity Displacer
Eye Of The Storm
Inner Voice
Courage Reclaimed
Divine Self Image
Ultimate Music Producer
Virtuoso di Musica
Path of Forgiveness
Merger of Worlds
Pride Unbroken
Safety Net

Stacking this with SE and WB. WB will be run by itself in my schedule.

Resetting back to 30s micro loops and going from there with everything. Being more mindful of the 2-3 days after exposure vs the same day.

Currently going through a lot of realizations, some that make me feel very very disorientated. I feel like I walked into an alternate reality. But really it’s all been there, I just dissociated from most of it.


Genesis financial scripting seems to have touched on something in combination with SE.

When I was growing up financial stuff was hidden. It was this uncertainty. Even now I couldn’t tell you if my parents actually struggled financially or if they had neverending anxiety about money.

But to illustrate my point. I work hard, I deserve my income I’m making now. I just bought a $50 m.2 nvme 1TB for my computer because I’ve been running games off my 10 year old HDD. The guilt though of “you shouldn’t be spending this money” is real. I’ve taken a lot of steps recently to work out my budget and it’s really helped me have a better idea of what I can or can’t spend money on.

This tendency for me to clutch money, being afraid of losing it, comes from a scarcity mentality. It severely distorts my vision of my family life and where I’m actually at now. I guess it is trauma in a way? I’m stuck in patterns of being afraid of not having money, but I do have enough. I’ve budgeted, I’ve reduced spending, but there’s still this fear.

Maybe it’s all the struggle people have been running into collectively. But if an employer doesn’t want to compensate you for your worth, you leave. I know I used to project a lot of this as the truth in the outside world and my friends and family deal with the same thing. But I’m seeing now it is a victim complex. Demand your worth. The only thing stopping me from making more money is how I feel about myself, that’s it. It’s not some nefarious outside agenda.


Seeing some very noticeable improvements in my emotional management on this custom so far.

I want to explain what it is, but right now I need to keep most of it private for the sake of cultivating more inner compassion. I realized this never really took off for me and despite the positive nature of the forum there’s still something about being too vulnerable on here that causes me to relapse into old negative habits. Also I realize that I don’t need anyone else’s approval to feel how i feel. So it’s definitely a change.

But what I can share is the shit show I walked into this morning at my job. There was maintenance done on a server over the weekend and somehow it nuked important files necessary for communication with a third party app. I was chill. Didn’t let it get to me too much. Not gonna say I was stress free, but it was a vast improvement over the times in the past where I’d be super tense. In the grand scheme of things meh, I wasn’t gonna get fired over it and my health is too important to get dragged into worrying about that kind of stuff. I don’t make nearly enough money to be shouldering that much burden for how the company is performing overall and I won’t be made to feel guilty for it.

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Kind of weird what hangs around in your subconscious. I had the most random memory come up from when I was a teenager.

I got sucked into PUA shit when I was younger. I was on message boards that shared pirated material and whatnot. I remember there was this one guy on the forum and I don’t know what prompted it, but he said something that cut me deep at the time. He basically said everyone following all the PUA stuff, engaging in inner work to be better, they were just failures. You weren’t meant to have sex or have relationships, you had shitty genetics, natural selection determined you unfit to carry on with offspring. If you weren’t a natural with women you’d never become one no matter how hard you tried. Your probably would have died in the past if society didn’t coddle you so much nowadays. He might have mentioned killing ourselves or something, idk.

So yeah I think that might have created some kind of anchor in my mind where whenever I tried to improve with women I immediately just felt it was proof I was inherently defective or something. Why did I put so much weight in an anonymous person on a message board? No idea, I’m starting to realize it’s this random kind of stuff that impacts you the most. Maybe I was already suicidal at the time and that message just pushed me over the edge into some nasty feelings.

But the point is I realize none of that is true. It’s super simplistic thinking from his end and I understand life is far more complex than that. At the time I guess I had such a feeling of low self worth I felt my opinions, thoughts, and feelings were trash regardless of how valid they may have been.


The greatest wars are contended on the level of narrative.

If a man can control your narrative, he doesn’t even need to fight you. You’ll defeat yourself.

Good for you for reclaiming your narratives.


My old social circle told me that I would never get laid because I’m not 6 ft or taller and that it was “game over” for me because of my genetics.

Didn’t turn out to be true, lol.


Lmao that’s such a meme at this point. It’s wild how many guys subscribe to it. I don’t know if I just started hearing about it more or it became a thing within the past few years.

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edit: using list function to not convolute your journal lol

I’ve talked to a few of these and “picked their brains” (really I just massacred them, lol).

They all ended up completely agreeing with me. They’re using logic, it’s just that all of the knowledge that they’re integrating is missing massive components.

Best analogy I can give:

They have a good grip on addition, subtraction, division and multiplication… but they don’t know jack shit about algebra or quadratic formula.

I win these debates 100% of the time, because I never disagree with them. I actually go out of my way to support their arguments. All I do is “but check this out” and then it’s game over. It’s really just a big puzzle.

The “redpill” is not your height or genetics, it’s your internal framework.


Admire your candidness.

I used to think about this. Why should I procreate if I would pass on my defective health genes?

But then I thought, what the heck? There were so many great people who were genetically defective. Like Bach (hearing loss), Helen Keller (both blind and deaf), Ray Charles (blind), Stephen Hawking (ALS), John Nash (schizophrenia), Frida (polio and dysmetria in her right leg), Nick Vujicic (no hands or legs), Michael J. Fox (Parkinson’s), and we can go on. All of them contributed to society by following their passion and won well-deserved glory and am sure several chances to pass on their genes.

It’s all about overcoming rather than giving up.

In the past, I used to think that Darwin was talking about survival of the fittest/strongest when it came to evolution. How wrong I was:

images (8)


Man your parents really do set the trajectory for your life. It’s funny because years back I’d just say “it doesn’t matter, past is the past”, couldn’t be further from the truth.

After starting to unpack a lot of my life in therapy I’m finally making peace with the fact that it’s all I knew at the time. Path of Forgiveness module definitely coming into action here. I’ve had so many regrets in my life, should have done this, should have done that. i was given very limited choices at the time, so I chose what I thought was the best. My life unfolded the way it did because of the situations and circumstances surrounding me and it wasn’t my fault. I don’t need to hold onto this guilt of needing to better back then.

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I’m like the inverse of WB right now. I obscure and hide, but out of insecurity. I’m not an enigma but more of an emotionally distant individual. It’s less inviting and probably more conflicting to interact with.

Where I want to be is embracing myself and the full depths of who I am shamelessly and have that be enticing to women. Not withholding and being a sort of blank canvas for them to project onto. I’ve done that in the past a lot. 90% of the time I defaulted to listening and giving because I knew how to do that. What I didn’t know was how to show up as myself. It’s dishonest to do that and no type of relationship is sustainable with that dynamic. But I have a hell of a time identifying my own needs, let alone understanding it’s ok to show them.


My genesis custom is hitting me in waves. Today it’s noticing the Courage Reclaimed module.

Victim mentality is a really charged phrase. I know in the past I heard other people say it with disdain. But I kind of realize what it is now. Identifying with the victim role is hurting myself, but that doesn’t mean it’s my fault. We are sometimes turned into victims in life and don’t break out. People who criticize victims don’t understand the complex interactions that occur to get to that point.

But I was reflecting on myself, my actions, how I insert myself into relationships, how i show up in them, the expectations I put on myself. None of it is good. It’s difficult holding a compassionate view point for this stuff without feeling attacked by myself and retreating.

Maybe years ago I would have claimed to be an empath, trying to bring positivity to what was effectively complex dysfunctional behavior. This was just a cope to deal with the painful stuff beneath.

The deeper I go I see manipulative behaviors which I don’t like. I don’t hurt people, but I do try to exchange emotional support to an absurd degree to offset the fact that I don’t know how to show up as myself authentically. It’s safe, it’s my survival strategy, but it’s caused me a lot of pain and isolation. Part of the victim role is telling myself continually I HAVE to do this.

The fact is I want a desired outcome, acceptance, peace, whatever. I’m looking to attain something by altering my interactions.

I know now more than ever viewing this stuff I have to be compassionate because I didn’t choose to act this way. But I’m having a really hard time being understanding.


Yeah I gotta curb my people pleasing. It’s bad. I almost lost a long time friend because she felt I wasn’t being honest and hiding behind a mask. So that’s been a wake up call to stop being afraid of showing up as myself.

And I just want to exist and interact with people without this knee jerk response I’ve been conditioned with. It’s the fawning from CPTSD.

But the thing I struggle with the most is I’ve put on a happy face for most of my life. I’ve had to mask my own emotional struggles because it distressed other people. And that’s messed me up.

I’ve told myself moving forward, honesty. Even if it doesn’t get me good reactions, even if people don’t like it. I’m never gonna break out of this cycle unless I learn to put my needs first.

Decided to keep running WB, but just let it chill in the background. I’ve got a lot of stuff coming up lately that’s made me realize the pressure I’ve been putting on myself to actualize the goals of WB has been burning me out. A lot of it is my overall appearance, body language, and avoidant tendencies. I’d think to myself “shit I’m not ready for all this” then in typical fashion from me I think I just need to power through it and make myself feel worse. Instead I could have just put it aside for now and kept running WB, just keep building on myself until I felt good. I’d find myself using dating apps but noticed when I matched with someone I hit a wall and didn’t actually want to go forward. It’s effort, it’s work, I feel like I’m battling something and I don’t need that shit in my life. I’m trying to approach more things in my life with enjoyment vs being some task to overcome or get better at.

So for now I’ll just focus on writing some music, improving what I can in my day to day experience of life, and take things from there. Also keep tackling and deconstructing old survival patterns that lead me to do stuff I come to regret later.

Seems like SE and Genesis as a combo is guiding me to figure out who I am. But SE specifically, it’s been heavy. Sanguine in general I feel promotes calm and safety. SE helps dig into the stuff that acts as a barrier to that.

What I’m realizing is that security and safety internally has always been cultivated by taking care of someone else’s needs or feeling responsible for their emotions. That’s no good. But that’s the framework I built my interaction with people on. When I go against that I get the worst anxiety.

Definitely a therapy thing. Definitely a be patient with myself thing. But this is one of those times where I ask myself. “Am I over magnifying this issue and making it more of my being than it actually is?” “Or am I coming to terms with the fact that there’s a significant dysfunction there that held me back from close genuine relationships for a lot of my life?”

In my past denial was prevelant. Being unable to accept painful truths about myself or my life. I seem to swing between being overly identified with an issue that feels like a stain on my soul and minimizing it or deluding myself into thinking I have full control.

Happy I can see it now. But absolutely overwhelmed with some of the stuff that’s been popping up lately.

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I’ll be working through all this. But this past year has been rough for me.

With my latest insights and experiences, I’m realizing this forum was just me trying to prop myself up. I thought maybe if I talked about things publicly or goals it would hold me more accountable. But ultimately it just put unnecessary pressure on myself, like I had to match up or hit some standard for success on these subs. Also wishful thinking. It can feel good to type stuff up on here and try to convince myself things have shifted. And don’t get me wrong acknowledging real core changes is good. But too often it would almost be like me trying to convince myself of something I didn’t believe deep down.

Fuck it, I don’t care anymore. Whatever I’m going through I’m going through and I’m doing my best.

It upsets me that I have to fix all this stuff and heal, but that doesn’t change the fact it needs to be done. It feels like starting from 0. And it probably is, just in a different section of my mind. I know I’ve grown in other places, I’ve made improvements. But after a certain point it’s like when is it enough just to be able to enjoy life more?

I can be angry at circumstances all I want, but that won’t change them. Yes I know I’m responsible, but I can be pissed too.

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Went skating yesterday. Helped a bit.

Probably the Safety Net module in my custom a bit, but I’m realizing more and more I just don’t feel safe in general and that’s something I have to give myself more of.

It’s not the world that scares me, it’s the fear of my inability to adapt. I’m the only one that can cut myself breaks, establish boundaries, tell manipulative jerks to get lost, me, nobody else can do that. And that’s intimidating because I have a lifetime of practice of just giving in to everyone else vs putting myself first. I hurt myself and sometimes I don’t even realize it and some people just profit off of that.

Trying to establish a new goal to just write music once a week at least. Write what I want, write what I feel, and most of all to not be afraid of the process. When I work on stuff I notice sometimes I don’t know where to go next or what to do, then I take that as a sign I need to put it away for the day. But I’ve realized if I keep going and just try something I make progress.

Much like my recent discoveries with my own shortcomings in emotional health, I’m learning I have deficits when it comes to writing music. Over the years I ignored them because I clung to music as a form of self worth. I had to lie to myself in order to feel good about something.

Something I thought about today. I think a lot of the reason I struggle with music isn’t the technical or even the creative aspect, it’s when a new challenge presents itself. But ideally every musical project should present a level of challenge otherwise you’re sitting in a comfort zone and that’s not a good place to be as an artist. I notice this pattern with a lot of things in my life, it’s like an internal panic trying to learn anything new. Knowing what I know now, I think it’s the emotional neglect from childhood and never being shown how to understand and manage my own emotions to overcome these types of challenges.

So I’m not as consistent as I want when it comes to music and I’m dedicating more focus to figuring out what slows me down. I’ve got a list on my phone and I keep it near me when working on stuff. I just jot it down then keep carrying on with my session. It’s not one big thing, it’s 1000 little things that act as barriers to a smooth transition in the process.

I’m hoping this can help me streamline my approach from idea to output. I’ve always been terrible with organization, pre-planning, building workflows, etc. It’s one of those things I struggle with in my life. When I get the energy to be doing, I do it all the way. But when the steam runs out the maintenance isn’t there.

Reading the master class today forgot what day. But essentially talking about recon.

The goal is manageable recon and then life enjoyment. But I always run into this very apparent issue. Either I’m in heavy recon and the work needs to be done to get me out of the hole I’m in or I’m easing up on myself and not enough is changing for me and I’m not enjoying life anyway. So it’s like might as well go through the recon, I have nothing better to do.

I’m really starting to doubt if there’s ever been any sense of comfort or safety inside of me. Like real comfort or safety, not comfort zones where I’m terrified and stay stuck. I mean like breathing a sigh of relief because life is ok or that I have a handle on it.

This sounds like SE is working through stuff for me. This title still hits me hard despite how light the healing is and I don’t really know what to make of that.

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