Finding my True North

Journals - Major Programs
#1107

I can relate Michel. It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt freedom from everybody else’s approval or disapproval, but the last time I felt it I knew that this was what was hanging on to me night and day. It spawns a ton of bad thinking, bad feeling, and yes, bad being (in decision making).

I will add something that showed up today in my thinking. As CFW has been working in my thought life, I had this battle in my mind over …relaxing. I was at work, and I realized for a moment I could drop my internal guard. But the tape that’s been playing non-stop in my head is me holding on to fears of possible bad scenerios (relationally and financially mostly). I had this battle today, and I remember a reaction someone had years back after using a healing subliminal for a long time.

His initial reaction was “I’m not comfortable in this lack of fear. I’m just so used to being afraid.”

I had that thinking in me today. However, I also realized healing takes time for us to accept and digest this new reality. We both lived in years of fear and dysfunction, so healing will take some time as well.

For me personally, that’s why I look forward to Rebirth in Saint’s new CFW. I foresee it questioning the chains I hold on to now.

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#1108

Interesting. Thank you for elaborating.

1 Like
#1109

Ascension + CFW is a potent mix of a healing core with the rebuild of confidence. It’s the ultimate starter kit for great self confidence.

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#1110

You always had some really good reports on ascension. Really looking forward to hearing about your success on this one.

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#1111

This is fucking beautiful.

Just like so much of this journal. Concise snapshots. Like little existential espresso cups.

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#1112

So this is what a little positive self regard can do for one’s life:

  • 13 likes on this forum? Who’s popular now? :muscle:
  • I get my first private client for my side hustle!
  • I get a full-time work contract.
  • Free gift from an art store

The deeper secret this actually reflects is my internal sense of value getting higher. For example:

  • Why shouldn’t I have what others take for granted?
  • Why am I not allowed to be visible in a public place?
  • Why on earth should I just take the blame?
  • Why should I just suffer in life?
  • Why is my burden heavy?
  • Who declared I should get nothing in life?

The best thing about Ascension now is being so full of myself (how dare I, right?) the few men who react out of pocket doesn’t wound me any more, with its shield of protection.

The other skill being developed is not taking what others do towards me personally. So some dude decides to do over the top loud coughing, some woman makes a run for it - I look at them like they’re crazy.

Conversely at a local eatery I just sit down wherever I felt like and three women sit opposite (mum and two adult daughters). I’m expecting them to move to their own table once I’ve became available but they stayed. Once they left another woman sat opposite me trying to flirt. The main difference was this time was I was here for me, my pleasure and my food, nothing and nobody else. No desperate need to connect with anybody just yet.

Again a little miffed that I’m only getting to such a basic level of life after clawing years of wasted time and effort. But better late than never.

7 Likes
#1113

So good to hear this man. And I totally get it, when it feels like you got conned out of most of your life there’s a lot of frustration there. Glad you’re getting what you deserve now though.

1 Like
#1114

Ascension is going to be the base sub for a few weeks as I’m getting a lot out of it in terms of foundation work and self worth.

More benefits

  • unexpected amount of money came in
  • emotional stability for the first time
  • looking for a new meaning in life (away from being the kicked dog)
  • feeling like I want more from life

Starting from less than zero had a kind of benefit within the abusive household, just trying to survive but now I am on the first rung of the ladder. Stability is the name of the game and even maybe aim for the next step up.

There were times where I felt good enough to reach out to others, except my mistake was doing this with extended family members coming round to visit - I got disinterest back. However once I stopped blaming myself for it, I spotted it and left. Lesson of discernment and not just sharing my essence with anyone.

5 Likes
#1115

Are you currently in an abusive household or was that in the past?

#1116

Past was more to do with stifling and suppressing myself as a child, tightly controlling what I did, both parents emotionally and physically abusive.
Trouble is those type of memories are merged in one which are largely forgotten, so even I doubt sometimes whether it was as bad as I thought. But it was mostly undermining and mocking combined with being the emotional punching bag - figuratively and sometimes literally.

#1117

I see. Thank you for clarifying.

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#1118

Seeker with the 1111th post :ok_hand:

Posting this for reference (as an ISFP, similar functioning FiSeNe);

Your perspective is 110% spot on @Fractal_Explorer.

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#1119

Reaching towards 28 days of Ascension and Mogul (with Ascended Mogul) and I should have a regular job as customer service manager. This is a watershed moment as this came about simply because I felt I deserve to have more self esteem. Previously jobs were temporary, hospitality gigs as a reflection of where I stood in life at “less than zero”.

Ascension is essentially leveling up and in sense joining regular life with the adults by being more self sufficient and deserving life.
I also received a monetary gift from a client who I worked with last year on a voluntary basis and thought to help out financially, which came just in time. If that’s not a blessing from above (and a little ZP shifting) I don’t know what is.

Since I’ve spent enough time creating art, I’ve asked for a strong stack for an ISFP in the future as art won’t leave me alone :wink:

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#1120

I love that statement! :clap:

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#1121

Quick update, I’ve started my manager’s job and starting to earn a decent wage packet. Ascended Mogul is doing its job. But I’ve decided to add Power Can Corrupt ZP because unfortunately in this line of work, there are professional bullshitters and con artists. Ive already sniffed out some unsavoury people out of work, so interesting to see how this goes within work. In fact I could have done with PCC in the past when being smooth talked by the various women in the past who ended up wasting my time.

Again, art still won’t leave me alone so I’ve left a little Ultimate Artist as the third spin in my stack too. :sweat_smile:

10 Likes
#1122

What field do you work in?

#1123

Love is my true north

1 Like
#1124

Dealing with money, so there are scammers and cheats abound trying to do you, otherwise the same type of people will use confidence tricks to charm or distract.

Either way PCC is good in general for outside work too for the charm and appeal.

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#1125

Power Can Corrupt ZP works.

One scammer tried it on with me and I saw through his bullshit in real time. In my head I could sense the red flags going off one by one. For example

:ballot_box_with_check: Over friendly
:ballot_box_with_check: Talkative
:ballot_box_with_check: Convincing tone
:ballot_box_with_check: Good frame (not as good as mine)

Before it happened I was relaxed and joking, letting others lead. Once the flags added up, I switched to serious alpha mode, even becoming angry. I HATE cheats.

:information_source: Bear in mind that PCC needs an alpha title to work from, by itself is good, but you need to act on the information.

7 Likes
#1126

I see. Thank you for elaborating.

1 Like