Finding my True North

Journals - Major Programs
#1010

Also remebered an old mentor teaching me a good little trick when in a night club or bar. Create triads everywhere, the power of introduction.

For example, you start talking to some dude or girl in the bar and wibe with them. Then you talk to another next to you and you introduce the first person to the second person. Now you are the connector between the three of you.

Do this over and over in the same setting with new people and all of a sudden you’re like a promotor at the place that knows everyone.

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#1011

This is awesome advice!

1 Like
#1012

It’s been 10 days since I posted because I went ahead and got a new title for my landmark birthday last month :tada:.
That title is Wanted
And it gave me the toughest reconciliation period of my life.

Complex feelings about this title:

  • due to my abusive upbringing I feel deeply unwanted down to my soul. Due to my abusive narcissistic upbringing this is being challenged at the core.

  • Feeling deeply ugly and embarrassing. Again due to feeling intense shame of my being as a result of narcissistic abuse. Cosmetic changes dismissed as unimportant.

  • Women. The spectre of the giant powerful violent woman is formed by my own mother’s treatment of me which gets extended out to all women as a whole.

There are spectacular results:

  • A symbol of my childhood neglect, stomach fat is now reduced by half.

  • My core self esteem, that feeling of being OK with all of my faults is now established. I don’t need to constantly seek penance from others just for being myself.

  • Level of total nonchalance is through the roof. I literally don’t give a fuck. Midlife attitude is “life has already given me a pile of dogshit, what’s new?”

  • Accepted that it is what it is with family and ex-“friends” and preparing to move on with my own life with detachment. I can’t put anymore of my valuable energy into a empty void that demands far too much.

Going to recover, may take even more rest days.

10 Likes
#1013

This is deep, man!

If you want any help building a custom Ultima to help you, just post some ideas.

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#1014

Treated myself to an outside therapy session.
I faced some of the most painful deeply held beliefs from my narcissistic childhood and had them burnt away, stuff like:

  • life’s a struggle
  • love was taken away from me
  • no one notices me
  • life is an uphill struggle with no progress
  • ignore me, avoid me

I hadn’t noticed the vast amount of energy spent trying to open out and ”love chase" in order to get other people to love me back. Now that precious energy is reserved for myself only. Let others come reach for me (they won’t).

So now I’m enjoying my own company more, without feeling desperately lonely or wondering if I’m doing it “right” (which gains me “love and approval credits”). It will take some more time to figure out how to get back in touch with all of my core self and express those qualities independently.

Wanted is still turning me into a sexy man, I dress in fitting black clothes and the longing looks are still there. However women are more of a secondary concern, rather than actively chasing them down for “love”. My self love and self respect are more important.

So now realising those above beliefs may have influenced my sub choices from the start, my best course of action is a stack of

  • Wanted (for the looks and experience)
  • Rebirth (for a new life)
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#1015

Close family friend of mine:
"How are you? Have you been exercising?"

Slimmer, more energy now than at any time in my 30s, better looks, chilled self confidence, self amused, powerful poise, non reactive to the odd small minded idiot (having the right to disregard them as people and stand strong in myself).

This is the relaxed alpha.

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#1016

When the last update is 11 days ago, things must be going well :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

Last couple of days was about clearing as much legacy abuse trauma as possible using other means. It seems to work because the WANTED aura for attraction has been catching women left and right.

If I wanted I could definitely snag an number or two…

That extra trauma release has canceled the need to look upwards towards women like a bruised child to somehow fix my pain. I don’t feel a need to please, to suck up to anyone. The emotional charge just isn’t there driving my neediness.

I feel good, I look good and the world reflects it back to me.

(Reduced loops help too.)

11 Likes
#1017

Can’t emphasise this enough:

CLEAR YOUR EMOTIONAL SHIT.

For one, it makes the subs work much better, especially with aura subs like WANTED. Secondly, life will give you more of what you asked for when you clear your shit.

Example:
Minding my own in a train, having such a warn internal state of happiness, when this Norwegian looking blonde bombshell is trying to get my attention. I’m reading my language book, she gets out her book. This continues until I get off for my stop… and she has a puppy dog look on her face - and follows me.

I’m so glad those fake friends left because I so enjoy my own company! One even said “you’ll quit art once you leave uni”. WRONG! Who needs pisoshitos like that?

(Spent a small fortune on art supplies btw…)

**

@kingofpersia hi from a schooner!

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#1018

:bowing_man: :bowing_man: :innocent:

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#1019

this post relating to wanted is to ironic! there something about nordic features is just so damn bombshell eh mate… also not sure does @Michel schooner relate to portsmouth ?

#1020

Schooner = adopted/honorary Nova Scotian, Halifax :anchor::canada:

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#1021

With your focus on healing, I’m surprised you have not completed DR!

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#1022

I’ve read your DR journal @subliminaluser, could you say whether it deals with aura cleaning? Apparently others can unconsciously pick up on what’s written in the aura.

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#1023

I believe that too. Sometimes you see someone, and you just like them instantly, or you see someone else and you think that there’s something icky about that person… I believe you’re seeing and feeling that person’s aura.

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#1024

Somehow it all comes back to narcissistic childhood trauma. Maybe I have been dancing around the subject for 2 years pretending to be “alpha man” but each other sub eventually calls back.

Giving the Elixir a go.

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#1025

Please keep us updated.

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#1026

Enter the Dragon

This may the most difficult journey of my life.

My mind, body, energy and spirit have been compromised. My identity was stolen. I’m confused and powerless to change. My inner space was violated and the boot was firmly on my neck.

It’s time to purge.

I’ve realised that my abusive upbringing is still blocking my path. Battling the constant shame, rejection and struggling to build my own life is making growth difficult, even with the subs.

I’ll just have to accept that I had no choice in childhood, abuse shaped my very being and now I can choose to strip it away.

Enter stage 1.

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#1027

Screenshot_20210912-170327

Stage 1 - Setting Sail

Initial thoughts: There’s a fire that burns in the stomach, cleaning up my chakras, then moving upwards through the body. Feels like I’ve had an intense reiki session.

Sensation lingered around my heart for a while, possibly dealing with heartache and grief, then seemed to filter up my neck muscles and head.

Overnight dreams spoke to childhood upsets and failures, not being able to pass exams owing to a complete lack of confidence.

Early results are a total lack of shame over being and doing what I want, without the shadow of “what will others think/looks of rejection”.

I don’t know if it will be this easy all the time, but I’m prepared.

4 Likes
#1028

I’m wondering if Sanguine might help you on your journey. What do you think?

#1029

Not sure as DR was a big purchase for me.
I’ve seen Elixir used as a recon add-on, I might try that if it gets unbearable.

My life has been one long recon episode, so I’m not scared of emotional pain.

Famous last words :joy_cat: