I’m at home, and I’m noticing something.
I’ve felt some internal discomfort today, but I’ve felt less need to run. I’ve seen normal challenges today, and I’m not in flight mode.
I’ve really desired some maturity and willingness to face people and situations I’ve normally steered away from. I’m noticing some fruit. I actually succeeded doing this today.
I’m pleased.
May 30, 2023
CFW and LBFH this morning
Something new popped up moments ago. My fears and all its variations have been toning down considerably, and a thought came with a bunch of old memories.
Teaching.
I’ll sit on this. Lots of positive memories. But also fears and regret.
Why am I/was I afraid to commit?
CFW is working on this.
May 31, 2023
Rest day
CFW is digging. I woke up imagining standing up for the truth against governmental authorities consistently whittling down freedoms. My truth was and is “they never give those freedoms back”.
The relevancy is I barely even stand up for myself. Opposing a single person has always been linked to fears of rejection, and ultimately, emotional abandonment. This is linked to that memory of my mom I had days ago.
No. It’s not. It’s not.
I’m digging here myself. I’ve been noticing me sidestepping this fear because it’s been trying to work itself out lately. I think…no, I know…that that need for brotherly love has been surfacing lately. My subconscious needy looks to male coworkers come from this. And there’s this internal shaming of myself so I’ll not need anyone. Anyone at all. However, my heart is winning out. I just abandon myself during this time.
I am doing this in my own life. I’ll be around 100 guys, and I’ll send out this message like “you don’t want me”. I am terrified of being abandoned again, so I push every male away. Attached is a fear of being gay since my brother did sexual stuff with me. I allowed it, needing his love. No dad in the picture.
Tears now. I usually abandon myself there, having fears of others abandoning me too. I don’t tell my truth often hoping I won’t be abandoned. And then… I abandon myself.
But something is changing. I usually hold all this in, and part of me cries out to just spill it. I’ve been praying lately for honesty and integrity, because some of my truths are suffocating me keeping it in.
I’m sitting here wondering “what can I do TODAY?” I need some introspection time.
(congrats to me. I’d had written a full page about my mom. I realized the core issue today is with my brother, so I deleted it. My mom’s dead. But my brother’s alive and lives 15 minutes away)
This is deep! 
Thank you RV.
I’m gonna do a loop of CFW and Ascension Chamber tomorrow morning.
Adding AC last week took some scales off my eyes as far as possibilities, so I’m looking forward to it.
I’ll start my washout on Friday.
June 1, 2023
CFW and AC, one loop each
All I care to admit about today was a slowly growing awareness of lies I tell myself and others–about myself. I actually began getting angry while working with some temps today. Why? I was scared since I didn’t really want to wear my mask…but I also didn’t want to be too vulnerable and possibly be hurt. It’s the damndest conflict, and I did something I normally don’t: I shared with one of them I was frustrated, to hopefully lighten the burden…
My lie showed up when he asked why I was frustrated. I quickly put out this surface lie. Some part of me felt uncomfortable shortly after, and I realized that once again, I had not been truthful–with myself.
I even considered the option of not smiling to anyone. Because my smile was bullshit today
It’s some survival thinking running when fearing (old or new) pain when with others. CFW was very active today. Not emotional bludgeoning. More like deep and steady cleaning and losing a sense of normal (lying to myself has been normal). i found it uncomfortable, but not debilitating.
As i see it, it’s times like this where I’m facing major opportunities for change.
Another thing I noticed was I ignore my own emotional cues to myself when scared. Like I look away from them. I guess that’s been a “safe” option, but it leaves me without connections to others. That disconnect is felt deep, and I feel melancholy.
Yeah. Very active today. I thought I’d write one paragraph. I just keep remembering things which happened.
June 3, 2023
Rest day 2 of 5
I’m really itching to start Genesis . Sitting in self deprecation non-stop, even habitually, leads to me hiding out more and more, avoiding beneficial opportunities.
Financially it’s a big motivator for me. I’ve owned a trading platform since January of this year. And I. Have. Not. Even. Tried. It. Yet. Not bullshitting.
I bought it since it’s a sure winnrer. But my mind quickly goes from earning a couple hundred per week extra to making more than I need, and poof! I don’t move.
Related to CFW, I have had small awarenesses of a money belief lately. Damn… It’s “if I become wealthy and secure, I’ll abandon people”. That’s stalled me out–for years, literally. It points out one of my biggest inner traumas. Being abandoned.
I’ll ask here. Is it too soon to start?
Wow–if that’s the right word–I realized Genesis could push me to be successful, and I’d…abandon people…and possibly myself. I didn’t think CFW was percolating in me. I think I’m wrong.
Is it too soon to start Genesis? I’m sure I’ll hear lots of “no’s”. I’m seeking some saner thinking, because (not acting because of) fear stinks.
June 4, 2023
Washout day 3 of 5
Taking action on Invictus’s advice to take note of anything happening while on a sub, I’m going to write. This is a major issue for me.
Yesterday I started a discussion about Genesis, and near the end, @Fractal_Explorer responded. His remark is hitting me today. He spoke of how people who have been traumatized often project their issues onto others. I’m doing this now, and I’m trying to expose the lie I’m believing.
I’ve shared i live with a 90 year old housemate. I’ve been blaming and hating on him. I questioned myself this morning after getting up to get some coffee, him not being up yet. I imagined him only getting up to see me, talk to me, and criticize me about anything (yeah, I’ve been thinking this).
And then a truth hit me. I can see he’s lonely. I’ve been lonely too. My mind’s been seriously trying to keep me away from people who are “unsafe” or hateful. And I just wrote that. I’ve been unsafe and hateful, saying he’s guilty of this. I’ve been this person.
A piercing question for me: why am I hateful?
I usually hide this from myself. Powerful tears popped out just now. The truth is that I feel vulnerable around him and don’t believe I have a right to defend myself against him. It’s the same belief I’ve had in front of male peers. Damn. The belief is “if I just accept this quietly, it’ll stop soon, and I’ll feel safe again” I learned this when with my brother when younger. He overpowered me, I was scared of opposing him due to his rage, and this was my survival strategy.
This same belief still leads me now when around men, mostly at work. “Take shit, smile, and it’ll go away soon.” That’s all I do. Just accept shit. To stay “safe”. I’m living in yesteryear writing that. That’s probably why I got so depressed when my brother left home overnight, breaking away from Mom constantly demasculating him.
But…why am I hateful? I had the expectation for my brother to come back and “protect” me. I had anger towards him then, and never expressed it. I kept it in. I got depressed. I put on the ultimate show of non-verbally wanting protection, though I never asked anyone for it.
And that’s my life exactly. Having great unmet needs, and never asking for help. Noone was available when younger, and like physical or sexual abuse, I just accepted it, only hoping for relief.
Sounds like a powerless lifestyle. It was. It is. It IS. Still living like noone’s there, like noone’s available or willing to help. And I’m SICK of SEEKING PITY.
I’ll share this. I have caught ads, even yesterday, on YT for an online counseling service. I"M NOT USED TO TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY LIFE. I’M USED TO HANDING MY RESPONSIBILITY TO SOMEONE ELSE.
So this is very, very different for me. Very different. Scared as fuck wondering what I’ll do next. Maybe breaking old patterns. Slowly. Old protections still active.
Have you read Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD?
I’ve never heard his name before. Why do you ask?
What you wrote above just reminded me of the phenomenon he discusses in depth, emotional flashbacks. I’ve been reading it recently and it’s been invaluable in allowing me to separate the present from the past. I’d highly recommend reading it. Getting caught in emotional flashbacks isn’t just a short term thing. Sometimes it gets replayed and turns into regression where the individual takes on the habits and emotions of their younger self.
Thanks for sharing that with me. I’ll check it out.
I’m having some questions pop up in my mind which are different.
It’s strange, but exciting as well. The questions seem to be prompted by a realization that I can act on my behalf.
I çan make decisions and feel confident doing so.
CFW has some empowerment in it.
I sensed older motivations having a standoff with it. Their power seemed feeble though.
June 5, 2023
Washout day 4 of 5
I woke up early this morning, and am allowing my thoughts to go where they want.
I noticed something. CFW is appearing to encourage an inner freedom in me. I noticed how my stomach normally tighetens in fear when imagining being around others. Yes, I’m even talking about writing here.
I noticed a detachment from the internal “should’s” which normally exist.
I also notice my thoughts wishing to dismiss this. As summarized in “freedom can be dangerous”. Old safekeeping norms, nothing else.
Also, I had freeing thoughts when considering DR again. The masculinity boosting in DR had strong effects on my choices. I had some great victories. And CFW’s anti-weakness scripting seems to be supporting that as well. I’ve done DR twice, but I stopped both times before touching Stage 3. I read @RVconsultant’s statement about skipping Stage 3 and going straight to Stage 4. He had a bit of trouble due to skipping it, and this peaks my interest. I know I’m sidestepping some healing by stopping there myself, and I’m thinking about it.
My present plans once done with washout is to run Genesis and CFW, likely one in the AM and the other one PM so I get a feel for Genesis.
Long-term, I’m thinking about Genesis and DR stacked. @James was sharing thoughts about this, and I’m wondering how they’d work together. DR strongly enhanced freedoms in my thought life.
It can’t hurt. I think running that stack long term would finally help you get to the core of whatever has been bothering you for so long.
This has been on my mind James. I’m discounting what CFW’s been doing. I’m going to stay on it a while, as I’ve had some mental barriers fall away.I’m going to stay with what’s working for me.
Tomorrow I’m adding Genesis to the mix. Lots of testimonials grabbed my attention, mostly from people not expecting what they received.
June 10, 2023
Rest day
Some changes are happening. 4 days ago I listened to CFW and Genesis togethers, which wasn’t my original plan. (This was my first loop of Genesis.) I ran Genesis first, and within seconds I wanted to be listening to CFW. I’ve seen CFW as a great stabilizer when looking into my history. I’ve felt increasingly more competent in facing reality. I felt like I’d put up some mental wall while listening to Genesis, so I had no “aha’s” happen.
But since then…
My female manager has been different around me. Like she’s been trying to get my attention. She’s usually really stand-offish. Libertine aura? Must be. And I’ve never used Libertine. I just noticed this woman go from daily ignoring or rejecting me to acting excited when I was near. This was LOUD to me.
My mind really geared up into investing and trading possiblities. I’d read a chapter in a finance book about the scarcity mentality, wondering how I could undo this in myself in practical ways. I even ran EOG St.1 yesterday with CFW (skipping Genesis), knowing this mentality destroys wealth dreams and realities quickly.
Then I realized Genesis likely has scripting addressing the scarcity mentality, if it’s got some similarity to AM or Mogul. Both address our wealth limiting beliefs. So with that (plus the Libertine aura showing up strongly), I decided to stay with Genesis. I so love getting into that financial mindset, seeing possibllities here, over there, and anywhere I look. I had some financial conversations with others this week which I haven’t had in many months, and this excites me.
And DAMN. Something I’ve secretly craved and have rarely experienced: being self-reliant. I’ve spent a lot of regular time wondering what others were thinking–only to try to win their approval. I didn’t recognize it for a day–but walking past peers and not feeling in need of their attention or approval is beautiful. This is very much NOT my norm.
Me enjoying that self-reliance is evident in how I’ve not needed or wanted to write here each and every day. Again, I’ve done it to win approval. I’ve sat with the uncomfortable choices of codependently making everyone else happy, being dishonest with myself and others, or even being resentful over people failing to meet my expectations…but something is shifting…positively. Maybe it’s Genesis. Maybe it’s CFW. But most likely it’s both working together.
And lastly, I sensed me needing to cry tonight, like I’m letting some things go. I was watching some America’s Got Talent videos earlier, as they show evidence of people doing something different which often changes their lives. They all tried, and I cried some strong tears. Whether they won or not wasn’t important. They simply faced their fears, people saw that, and that courage earns one an internal pride and belief in oneself. I’ve had the opposite of that for a long time, so Genesis is a precious gift to me. It’s changing something in me.
I’m looking forward to loops tomorrow morning.
Sounds like something deep is shifting within you and it’s having real results 