I know the question sounds strange but hear me out.
I’m 22 and for many years now I always felt like uncomfortable in my own body around other people. Due to many tools and work I’ve done on myself, I’ve reduced anxiety and hyper arousal which has helped. After a cycle of lbfh, I feel less bothered to rejection, awkward moments, feeling guilty. Even my solar plexus area isn’t hard anymore.
However, it just feels like I’m just a collection of patterns, phrases, and characteristics I’ve copied from people and don’t feel like a person. I’m starting to think this isn’t a self love thing but something else.
Could this be autism or adhd of some sort?
Anyone that relates, I would love your view on this or you can speak on your experiences
Only a qualified mental health professional can answer that – I’ll have to request that no one comment on this. You’ll have to seek the guidance of someone qualified to diagnose this. But consider the fact that over a decade ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD and it clearly hasn’t been the detriment to my life that society tries to claim.
As for this, you’ll find that many people feel the same way. Barring any mental health issues, PEACE will help resolve this.
There’s so many layers to this conversation and I’m gonna try to keep it as simple as possible.
When I was 18 I was blessed with experiencing my true self for a couple of weeks. It was the most significant experience of my entire life, it’s the biggest highlight that still guides and feeds me everyday with a memory as golden as it gets.
It was a state of consciousness that is both extraordinary to what most humans experience on the daily but also completely natural and ‘normal’ from the perspective that it is lived at.
I experienced my true identity, pure flow of unbounded consciousness, anything other than this identity is a misidentification of external or internal circumstances, a rigidification in time and space of feelings and thoughts, a looping of patterns that filter out the true essence of the experience of naked reality.
So when I read what you say, I don’t see an issue, but a result of an increased awareness about the nature of your experience and identity. I see someone that is starting to realise that his identity is a bunch of learned programs looping into a more or less coherent bundle called me, the person.
The feeling of not feeling like a person happens when these patterns start to become incoherent. On this forum they call it reconciliation.
It’s to be expected when, with these audio track, you introduce new patterns of thinking, that there will be some time when identity is being restructured and it might feel incoherent for a while, or some unconscious patterns in you becomes conscious and force you to reconsider who the hell you are.
Self love is simply accepting who you are right now regardless of who that is.
Figuring out who you truly are is an epic goal that requires an epic journey, I got no answers for you on that front, except that every experience can be a teacher in helping you figure out either who you are or who you are not, getting you closer to the unbounded you beyond all learned patterns.
After this powerful experience when I was 18, I have since always felt like ‘not a real person’ and acutely aware that I’m just a bundle of unconscious learned structures playing out. Not the true me as a conscious stream of consciousness-light with super-human capabilities.
I’ve learned to accept these limitations as part of a bigger journey of self discovery. My advice to you is keep going and don’t worry too much about being somebody other than what you already are. Easier said than done right?
It’s possible Soulfire & I have similar symptoms as yourself but from a different source…I’m guessing from his experience that we have some shared background… I’ve been fascinated by mystics & gurus since a child despite coming from a Western background in America… so I studied this and practiced…this was motivated from a dissatisfaction and a yearning which I still have
I was detached and awkward as a kid and unpopular for it
Hey, I really appreciate your honesty with that. I’ve seen your posts here and on a discord server (you were a BIG reason for me buying my first sub) and you’ve always felt like a guy who figured his shit. It’s inspiring to hear more about your journey and it gives home for us younger, awkward and different guys.
Thanks man I almost deleted that
You never know if other people
understand
I wouldn’t say I figured shit out
Maybe some things
I’m okay with that
I am an unusual fellow lol
Unfortunately I’m still very new to subclub and other users have recommended I hold off for while to build a solid foundation before going to harder titles
I wonder if maybe PEACE and Ascension Stage 1 (Stabilizer) would be good
I say that also for myself but I’m using Reforge
If you’re like me it’s one thing to feel detached
but you need to try to plug the holes where you leak to be functional & integrated as possible despite how you may feel inside
