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After my loops my mind feels lighter, cleaner, like the air right after a summer thunderstorm. It reminds me of the feeling I got after running my first loop of DE.
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I realized something during the loop. One of the barriers I have to connecting with people is facial expressions.
You know how when you lock eyes with someone, you sort of naturally smile and your eyebrows go up in a greeting?
Yeah, I don’t do that. Not normally anyway.
I habitually have a very neutral expression on my face, and it doesn’t change much.
I developed this habit very early in school. I was picked on a lot (I go into this a lot more in my DR journal) and had parents who weren’t much better than the kids. I figured out early on that I was in an environment where people were trying to hurt me. The last thing you want wjen that’s happening is to show them that they’ve succeeded. The more they see your pain, the more pleasure they get. It’s like bleeding into shark infested waters.
So I eventually learned the stone face technique. Never show pain, embarrassment, awkwardness, or that anything is effecting you.
Unfortunately, that evolved into never show anything. That is making it really hard to connect with people. Especially on first meeting. Amd if I can’t connect with lots of people, specifically women, I’m not going to be able to accomplish the goals that I’ve set for myself amd this program.
I am going to have to be a lot more open and natural if I want what I said I want in the beginning of this journal.
Same! Never thought about this being a barrier, but you articulated it quite well!
I have supportive parents and family… but there’s too much drama, nosiness, and using information and emotions to manipulate people/situations. So I naturally realized at some point the best way to handle was to not show emotions and give them absolutely nothing to feed off of.
I too became that way by default and only open up around people I feel are safe. But you can’t get from stranger → trust without opening up… 
Thanks for sharing – it gave me a chance to reflect too.
How do you plan to address this habit, though? Feels like it becomes a serial killer smile if you force it, and I think it comes across as charming and more genuine if you’re normally neutral and finally do crack a smile.
It can be a barrier or a great skill to have depending on what I’m trying to do.
It makes it difficult to connect with people initially because I come off as standoffish or downright hostile before I’ve gotten into a conversation with someone. Add to that that I’m a fairly large guy who dresses in black leather and the like, and I might be intimidating off the women I want to meet.
LOL I see the issue clearly now. 
Yeah maybe it would help to smile, I’d probably shit my pants myself if I ran across you randomly somewhere!
- I don’t know what I’m seeing from Genesis yet. One thing I noticed was that I had a lot of questions going through my head as I drove home this morning.
They were kind of in the back of my head, (this is hard to describe) right on that boundary between conscious and subconscious. All related to what do I really want to do going forward. They were all Pretty vague, but one stood out.
“What have you found rewarding in the past?”.
I’d be willing to bet that that’s a direct script quote. Saint has said that we all do that. It’s interesting that I was cognizant of it this time (assuming I’m correct).
Other than that, I’ve had a completely normal day. - It’s also an interesting question, and going to require more thought than you’d think. I’ve been on survival and avoidance mode most of my life. Most of my decisions were at least subconsciously guided by attempting to get away from something that seemed a threat or was making me unhappy or uncomfortable instead of toward something that would make me feel happy or fulfilled.
I’ve mentioned that in my DR journal and earlier in this one. DR did a creditable job of getting rid of things that I wanted it to escape, but now I’m kind of in a limbo state because I have never really figured out what I want to run TOWARDS.
That has kind of left me in a limbo state with the negative motivation gone but not yet replaced with something positive.
Yep, I know that feel too. Came up recently in Khan st 2. Idk about you, but deep down I feel like it’s impossible for me to ever find it. Or that I don’t deserve it. Like, even something as simple as weather. I KNOW my dream is to live in a warm place and/or become a snowbird and never experience the cold again. But somehow I find myself in the coldest region in the country.
Rewarding… Are there ANY particular answers or anything that jumps to your mind immediately that you’d be willing to share? Do you think it’s about purpose or work? Or developing a rewarding lifestyle? Is it possible to live a life that’s feels rewarding in all aspects?
- So, What did I find rewarding in the past? I’ve probably got multiple answers here, and I’ll write about them as they come up.
The first thing on that list has got to be writing. It was the first thing that anyone, myself included, noticed that I was GOOD at.
It started when I was in like, fourth or fifth grade. My school had us write and “publish” a book every year.
The other kids produced children’s books (shocker) of maybe ten pages at most.
I wrote a forty page sci fi adventure based on some stories that my dad used to tell me.
The teachers loved it. My parents loved it. Even the other kids loved it. I loved it too.
It was the first time I can remember since I was a toddler that I got praise for something I did instead of a stream of abuse from all of the groups of people I mentioned above.
It felt great, but I only had the opportunity to do it once a year for the next two.
After that, I made a start or two on writing something on my own now and then, but I never finished anything. Plus I aced writing assignments.
It didn’t play a huge role in my life again until I went to a new school my sophomore year.
Then I joined the school newspaper as a for credit class.
I would up writing a monthly opinion column. Everyone liked it, and told me so. This was great.
I planned to have a career in journalism and write novels as of the time I left high school.
Unfortunately, my mind intervened. I had too many unresolved issues (thoroughly covered in The Year of the Dragon Emperor) and the long and short of it is that I wouldn’t let myself succeed.
I got overly focused on psycho ex #1 as she exited my life in a downward spiral of her own, and flunked out of college.
I’ve started several writing projects since but never finished. And eventually just stopped doing it.
Maybe it’s time to get organized and serious about using that skill.
I don’t know how to monetize it immediately, but I know that I am a story teller. Always have been. I just got in my own way until now.
I just posted one. It is about all of those things.
It’s about purpose inside and outside of paying work. It’s about using that to build the lifestyle I want.
- I might have known. I felt another module pack coming on, and it’s there.
There are a few that I might want to include in Stage four. I think that the plan for that one is going to be to go all out on the effect modules. Thus far I haven’t had any success on the finding other partners front, and that was one of the major goals for this run.
It’s time to really get off my ass with that, and these could help.
The other question is do I put Genesis in as a second core and still have that second slot open, perhaps for a fitness program?
My brain might choke on that, or it might be epic.
Seems like you have a clear idea on what to focus on then! Nice!
I hope Genesis and whatever else you do will help you find a path to apply writing and storytelling in a way that brings you money and much more happiness 
Will be lurking to see what answers you find.
**5/29/23 STAGE 3 CYCLE 3 WEEK 4**
**WASHOUT WEEK # 11**
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I have my son his first motorcycle ride today. He loved it. That was fun.
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I think I’ve been feeling a bit more confident these last few days, and the questioning continues in the background where I can hardly perceive it.
I haven’t come up with much other than writing at this point, but it’s percolating back there. -
I’ve had an outline for the first novel in a series in my head for about twenty years. I’m getting more glimpses of it lately. It’s fantasy, but let’s call it unconventional fantasy. I think it can go over pretty big if I can tell the story well enough.
I think I’ll at least start studying how to actually get that done as well as at least start getting an outline onto paper.
- OK, Khan Black. That was a surprise.
I read the description this morning and it sounds like it could be extremely useful to me. I think that I still have some blocks as far as sexual energy goes and some remaining inhibitions.
Not now though. If I don’t HAVE to run EOG after I’m done with six cycles of stage four, I might do a combo Khan st4 Khan Black run for next year. It might turn me into a god among men, it might fry my brain to a crisp. Who knows.
I can definitely see the benefits of having both going at the same time.
Subclub just keeps messing with my plans by giving me better, at least more tempting plans.
- As much as I’ve improved since I’ve been on these subs, I think I still have a problem. At least as far as finding additional partners goes. Inhibitions. Specifically inhibitions where it comes to initiating contact and escalating the relationship in any way.
I’ve actually done pretty well over the years, but in all of the situations where I’ve gotten with a girl, they’ve made the first move, or it seems to me that it just happened. I don’t recall what lead up to it well enough to see any kind of pattern in my own actions that I could replicate.
I don’t know if it would be right to say that I’m afraid to take the lead, but I’m very hesitant to do so.
That used to manifest as fear and anxiety. Now it seems to me like I just can’t think of anything to say. Im still getting the freeze up effect, it just doesn’t feel like panic anymore. It’s more like writers block. It’s less uncomfortable, but the inhibition is still there.
Im doing well at maintaining eye contact and whatnot when I am interacting with a woman or anyone else, but I have a piece missing still.
I think for the most part, that piece is taking that first step.
- I’ve been taking some action on the writing front. Not too much at this point, but it starts somewhere.
I’ve been listening to at least one episode of a podcast by an author I’m a big fan of each night. It not only covers writing, but the business aspect of things that makes it a lucrative endeavor.
I also got an app that helps with writing a novel. Developing a timeline for the story, keeping track of characters, world building, ect.
So far I’m working out the basic timeline of the story, and have added one event a night. It’s a start, and I’m beginning to get the sense that I can actually do this. I’ve had a couple of false starts telling this particular story, but this time I’m coming at it more organized and disciplined than I’ve ever been.
- I mentioned something on the Genesis thread that really got me thinking.
The sales copy says that they didn’t want to do a just plain confidence sub like every other company offers as a first sub.
My question is, why not?
Don’t get me wrong, Ascension and Genesis are awesome for first timers. However, there is definitely something to be said for simplicity as an option.
I am very sure that Subclub could produce a straight confidence sub that blows the competition’s offerings out of the water if they brought everything they know how to do to bear on that one focused goal. They could make the fastest acting, hardest hitting, deepest diving, most permanent confidence booster that ever hit the market.
That could be awesome to run a couple of weeks before a big interview or anything else you’re going to be doing. It could also be great for someone with major confidence issues to run for a longer period of time.
Then it occurred to me to suggest that they do a whole line of laser focused products like that.
They could make self esteem (not quite the same as confidence, though closely related, discipline, optimism/positivity, courage, action taking, and just about anything that users might want a hard fast blast of.
What do y’all think?
I would add this to the roadmap, but I can’t for the life of me recall how to get there.
Couldn’t hurt to put em in there
I found it, but it keeps telling me that I don’t have permission to do that.
Gotta make sure you’re signed in, in case that’s it.
Though that error sounds different than I’d expect for signin issue.
Copy, thanks. Just wasted a lot of typing.
Got it on there.