Saint’s journal

Journals - Major Programs
#104

2023-04-27T15:00:00Z

Getting things in order for this web app development. I got the scope and the first batch of tasks made, and I was thinking how to approach my daily work – by time or task. Despite what I said the other day, I was still trying to set a reasonable pace like “one major task per day” or “2 hours per day.” Then I had to take a step back.

I was ready to work two FT jobs and a side business if I had gotten that remote job. Why am I not bringing the same level of energy to this project?

The answer of course is that the other job was paid and would bring immediate benefits to my life. But philosophically… why am I so ready to pour myself into other people’s work and projects but not my own? Even my current side business is focused on growing someone else’s business.

I think it boils down to this:

If I’m willing to put in 7-8 hours a day for a good job opportunity, I should be able to put at least four hours a day into my own project during work days, and a standard 7-8 on off days. :thinking:

It’s time to back myself…

#105

2023-04-28T15:00:00Z

Off work today, put in 6 hours on my project until my brain couldn’t go any further. I’m taking the opportunity to use a different component library, too, so I had a mix of increased and decreased productivity.

I have mocked out four big sections of this screen that I’m building, so my goal is one completely finished section a day. I’m going to eat and take a breather, and if my mind comes back I will do a little bit more today. Otherwise I’m done. Tomorrow the first section will be due!

#106

2023-04-29T15:00:00Z

My mind got worse last night to the point where it reminded me of extreme recon. I felt overwhelmed with the task ahead and started worrying about if I could actually finish this project let alone sell it, how I was gonna sell it, etc. It lead to a pretty bad headache but I know from experience now to just ride it out and go to bed. Woke up this morning feeling physically better but mentally dull and unmotivated. Even went back to the lawyer fantasy smh. But I just stayed with it, had my Japanese lesson, and then afterwards I decided to just do one small thing on the app. And BAM got into it, found some concepts coming back to me, found the new component library much easier to make sense of, cleaned up quite a bit of my work from yesterday, and implemented some new functionality. I managed ~4 hours today before my mind stopped, though. Maybe I went too damn hard on the first day.

Needless to say, I didn’t finish the first section. I found one large bug and some missing logic… I originally made this automation just for myself, and I forgot that I skipped all of the edge cases and stuff last time since it was a quick and dirty job to free up my time ASAP. But developing for actual people to use is of course much different and it slipped my mind in the hype.

So I’ll have to work out some sort of rhythm after all and be a bit more patient.

All my meat for the month came today and I’m going to go grocery shopping for the rest tomorrow. Excited for that. I’m also thinking of changing gyms… I haven’t been back to my current gym since my shit was stolen. But the one I’m eyeing requires public transportation to get to and will cost me much more money between the fare and the membership itself. The hours are also relatively shit. Doesn’t open until 10AM… It’s a fucking nice gym though, good equipment, natural hot spring, super convenient and useful amenities, yoga classes, and will get me out of my bubble and into a different, relatively busy part of town on a regular basis. And nice gyms often mean hotter girls. In my case, I’d take age-appropriate :laughing: But yeah… the extra money and time has to come from somewhere…

Earlier in my journal I stated one of my goals as becoming someone who takes care of himself physically and mentally.

This would be a great step towards that. If I treat myself patiently but work consistently on this app and therefore towards my goal, that’s showing myself some mental care and backing my own ideas and abilities. Going to a nicer gym forces me to make the time to go, enjoy the workout, enjoy the facility, and feel like a higher-quality person.

I don’t think I’ll end up going for it given my circumstances, but I think I’ll go for an official tour/maybe get a one-day pass over the break.

#107

2023-04-30T15:00:00Z

Today was messed up. I got up dumb early because sunrise was at 4:30 and I forgot to close my curtains. Did my daily study and did some errands. At some point during the day I had a weird moment where I somehow mentally stepped outside of myself into the direct present moment and realized how financially fucked I am in life right now. And also how nothing is guaranteed. To use the expression, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The visceral effect lasted for about an hour and then faded slightly but remained in the background. I went home and slept, woke up and started a program to practice DSA and CS fundamentals. But my heart was filled with anxiety, unease, etc.

Didn’t do a lick of app development :confused:

Notes

  • Why would I want to bring kids into this world?
  • What is even the fucking point of living?
  • What am I doing in Japan?
  • Why did I come here, forreal?
  • Why did I throw everything away to come here?
  • So much of my meager salary is accounted for by other people (tax, insurance, utilities, rent, debt). Every month it’s just more hands sticking out to get paid. How do I reverse this? How do I become the person getting paid?
  • Even if I get better at code, do I want to do this?
  • Even if my project was super successful, would I really want to support it?
  • Will AI take away most jobs?
  • I love the Japanese language but I’m struggling with Japanese people. Why does it feel impossible to get to know anyone? Is it me or them?
  • Is the translation industry done? Any hope for me if I got really good at Japanese and could translate or interpret?

Stop taking time and circumstances for granted and work hard every day. Get money and use it wisely. Man this is painful…

#108

2023-05-01T15:00:00Z
I don’t want to code. I really don’t want to code. The “recon-like” feelings that I got were probably actual recon! Code adjacent is maybe OK as a job (like the support job I was going for), but I do not want to sit down and learn and do all the nitty gritty bullshit involved with app development, software, or whatever. I’ve been on an infinite loop of try quit try quit try quit and the time between trying and quitting has become almost instantaneous now. It’s frustrating because I see opportunities and I have the idea right in my mind of what to do, but to actually sit down and do it is so fucking beyond me for many reasons.

And when I stop, then I get extremely anxious because I don’t have any other hard skills and I feel like it’s my only way to make money and thrive. So then I get to a point where I’m like OK let’s do it. Then eventually quit again. FUCK ME >:(

I didn’t even make it a month last time I stopped, so I’m going to go again. I’m reverting the automation I made to its basic state and I’m not developing it out. I’m not coding, I’m not interested in software engineering. I have a basic aptitude, ok technical understanding, and decent logical thinking. But I’m not that good at building full systems, I don’t have it in me to grit and figure it out and do it all by myself, and I want to accept that so I can move forward for good. I’ve been doing execute program and coding drills and they’ve really helped burn in some fundamentals, but it’s just so much different from actually building a full app and I’m so over it. I’m sat here in front of the computer doing ultimately fuck all, sacrificing time that could be spent improving Japanese, and not going beyond my comfort zone to explore the big scary question of “what else can I do besides coding/technology”.

Rant to self inbound

It’s a lot of “me” right now. I’m not taking actions to go get what I want. I say I want to get better at Japanese and meet Japanese girls. I say I want more money. Well, I’m not meeting any damn girls. I’m not meeting any people at all ffs. My side business is making money, just not a whole lot. But it grew last month. So just focus on that and continue to grow it to work on the money problem. Just be patient and focus on it. And go do activities that involve speaking Japanese and participate in society on my terms again. Seriously find a part-time job that involves speaking and using Japanese. A huge mental barrier I’ve developed is “Japanese people only want to speak English with me” and I don’t think that’s true at all, just the nature of my job and maybe this place being a tourist town that sees a ton of foreign people who can’t speak Japanese at all. I never had that mindset when I first came to the country and was a full-time Japanese student, making some friends and meeting girls all in Japanese. And even if they want to speak English then I need to figure out effective ways to communicate that I don’t want to speak English so much. It’s all in my head. It’s all in my god damn head, and I want to break out of this cycle for good. I want to break out of it so badly. It’s painful and embarrassing to be flip-flopping all the time, especially publicly like this.

Ironically, I’m using the lack of money right now as an excuse to stay comfortable in all aspects of my life. And it’s true that I’m broke as fuck. But it’s not money’s fault. It’s my fault. It’s not Japanese people. It’s me. :sob:

#109

2023-05-02T15:00:00Z
I spoke to a friend I hadn’t spoken to since late last year. She’s from Hong Kong and we met at language school so we pretty much only speak in Japanese. God it was so nice to talk to her again and to have fun in Japanese. It took me right back to my old feelings from when I first came here. And Japanese or not – I need to talk to my friends more often.

She’s a little younger than me but similar situation – has a skill but not using it and working a low salary job while studying for a license. In her case she’s trying to get into accounting so it’s a real path to take and studying for a license is a necessity. My case is purely mental and god knows what else.

But in talking to her and reflecting on all the mental pain I’ve been experiencing, I wondered: “Why don’t I stop worrying so much about things that I don’t want to do, and start focusing my time on doing things that I do like to do?” Find aspects of my current job and side business that I like and do more of them. Find new things that interest me – bonus points if they are inexpensive or cheap – and try them. Avoid things that don’t interest me as much as possible.

It’s easy to say and kind of obvious when I write it out like that, but like… damn it, I just haven’t lived that way in my adult life.

Even with programming – I rather enjoyed modern iOS programming when I tried developing an app, but my computer isn’t spec’d out well so I was forced to stop it due to disk space and memory issues. Maybe going from that back to web highlights just how shit web programming is for me. Maybe that’s part of it? But maybe if I explore some other things I might find something that I like even within this field.

What if I found something that I wanted to work hard at that could also make me money? Something like my Japanese studies where no matter how tough or mind-numbing it gets I wake up and do it anyway. Or even better where I have 7/10 days on average and am glad to wake up and go do it.

I want to find that. I’m not sure how, but I think this is what I need to focus on. Not a dream job or “pashun” or whatever the fuck, but something that is grounded in reality that is accessible to me and I enjoy the process of doing it and all the challenges associated with it.

Why am I holding on so tightly to shit that I hate??? :thinking:

Signed up to some dating sites too. I’ve been feeling horny as a MFer lately and am dealing with some headaches because I don’t have any release. It’s so hard right now. Everything feels so hard right now. Tomorrow is my last day of K2 and I’m moving the eff on to K3 after the washout. I see why so many people quit this fucking sub.

From the sales page:

Make sure you are ready to commit to this process. Sometimes we get questions asking us if the warnings on our pages are just marketing – no, they are not. Khan is for those who desire to fully embrace that profound power and dominance, in a way that is perfect for them. It’s challenging, it’s hard, but the rewards are worth it. Others will challenge you and your rising status, you will face (sometimes quite hard) reconciliation and you will want to quit or change your sub as a consequence. This is all part of the process. Decide, right at the beginning, that you will finish all 4 stages no matter what, even if you feel that absolutely nothing is changing (a side effect of the reconciliation fog that comes with intense reconciliation). Khans are made in the fires of adversity.

I’m hurting, but I will finish all 4 stages no matter what! :sob:

And while Total Reprogramming sounds easier than Total Breakdown, do not be fooled – Total Reprogramming will make you question yourself and your deepest aspirations, emotions, beliefs, personality traits… until you come out reforged with a purpose akin to steel.

Despite my experiences with the other subliminals here, I didn’t take these warnings seriously. I thought since stage 1 went over relatively well after a difficult first week, stage 2 would be “just” new information uploaded to my brain. No. They aren’t lying, they aren’t exaggerating – this is hard as hell for me right now. I’m struggling, but I can also see that total reprogramming is working exactly as intended on me right now! I thought the processing phase at the beginning of this cycle was the worst of it… what an idiot I was. :man_shrugging:

Eighteen Months of the True Khan
#110

Do you have something you could run such as Sanguine or LB or LBfH?

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#111

Yep, you’ve read my mind. LBFH is coming next cycle!

1 Like
#112

2023-05-03T15:00:00Z
Last day of K2 solo. I’m so glad it’s finished for now. See you again in K4.

Today was a nice day so I spent some time “downtown”, walking around in the heavy tourist area and studied at a completely new place. It was a good feeling and the crowds didn’t bother me like they normally do.

2023-05-04T15:00:00Z
Cycle 3 Thoughts
I can’t believe I’ve finished my third cycle here already. Where has the time gone??

I see why people recommend spending a lot of time on the foundational stages K1 and K2. There’s a lot to rip up and go through internally even with the power of ZP.

I only ran Khan stage 2 (2 loops every other day) this cycle, so here are my brief thoughts:

Khan Stage 2
This was the hardest subliminal I’ve ran in my short time in this community. Holy shit. The first week felt like a month, and I can still remember the feeling like my brain was a CPU running at 80% due to some rogue background process or unoptimized application. It was heavy and my sense of time was loooooooong. I thought I was in the clear when it ended, but I never got into that nice… zen/chill feeling I got at the end of khan stage 1. And then as you can see in my recent posts things just blew up for me inside and I got heavy recon when trying to code which sent me into a hugely negative and painful state that lasted for a few days. I’m feeling better now but I also haven’t touched any code since then either. So the finish was harder than the start, but I finished and that’s all that matters. I think I see why lots of people quit this subliminal, and I’m only halfway there. Here’s to a more fun K3 and K4, which seem to be pushy but not so… dangerous.

Somehow the time went by fast and I can’t believe it’s already May… and at the same time things were slow and I felt more present.

I’ve identified two things that I need: self-control and self-belief. And I’m patiently working on them – particularly self control since that’s something I can directly influence. I’m recognizing so many situations now where I would normally spend money or do something small that is impulsive but seems harmless, but is actually the very reason why I’m in the situation I’m in now. I’m realizing just how much it does matter and the benefits of controlling myself. Feeling urges and being able to sit in them. Feeling strong impulses but telling myself no. Coldly recognizing the disadvantages that will come from certain behaviors and asking myself if it’s a good trade. (it’s usually not). Thinking even a bit longer term than normal and understanding that I will thank myself tomorrow, next week, and next month for the choices I make today.

It’s a work in progress but the switch has been flipped in my mind to sort this shit out.

The realization I had at the end of this cycle hit me hard – What can I find that I do like to do? How can I live my life so that I’m not upset to work hard? What can I work on that feels as rewarding if not more so than quenching the thirst for sex, while still being highly sexual and having that energy in me and enjoying girls as they come?

Lots of stuff to think about, and it’s the kind of stuff that I would have expected to come out in Stage 1 and not Stage 2 based on the stage names and descriptions.

What I did this month
I needed this journal as an emotional outlet more than anything else, but the month ended well enough. In fact, I worked with my boss for 9 hours straight today on the website upgrade for the side business. Literally we were butts in chairs working for 9 hours straight. No idea where that energy and focus came from and it didn’t even feel like that much time passed.

Side business monthly recurring income increased from ￥2100/month → ￥14,100, but the number is a bit misleading. I negotiated a special price for one of the students who joined, and they increased their time so it’ll be ￥10,000 a month just from them. But I have a feeling this student will quit in a little bit, and if not they will definitely leave when I leave the school so I don’t want to misrepresent this. But it’s part of the recurring money that I’m tracking so there it is.

I joined the two dating apps where I’ve gotten matches, contact swaps, and dates from before. It’s crickets right now but I think it’s worth hanging in there for a bit. And it’s free until I get my first match anyway so there’s no real loss for me.

Other thoughts/observations
I suspect it’s 100% intentional by the founders, but this whole system provided by subliminal club is great. It’s easy to fall into rhythm that encourages action → reflection → tweaking → action.

Journaling helps deal with emotions, recon, and stuff that comes up from the subliminals, and it also helps on a micro level to track any goals or progress. And what I’m doing now, one main sub and two free slots, gives me a chance to reflect on a macro level basically every month. I naturally start thinking about how the month went, how I want the next month to go, what my goals are, how am I feeling, what came up in my last cycle, what can I listen to next cycle in response, etc. It’s brilliant.

So as for my next cycle…

Next cycle [Some combination of K3, LBFH, and RICH]
I had a strong urge in my last washout to run K2 solo, and it turns out that was the correct move. I had no business stacking K2 with anything and I’m glad gave it so much time. But now I don’t have nearly that level of urge to run K3 solo, and in fact my gut is telling me it’s a good time to get that cycle of LFBH in that I’ve been meaning to get. And I want to get RICH back in my stack because I want more manifestations in my side business.

I’m definitely running Khan stage 3, and I’m definitely running LBFH. But my question is how.

The sales page says K3 has wealth manifestations, so I’m tempted to run a K3/LBFH double stack so I can get good exposure to both. If I run RICH, that basically halves the amount of exposure which is a ridiculous loss. But K3 is included in K4, so it’s not like this is my only chance to listen to it either. :man_shrugging:

I’m also considering running K3 solo for a week or so to handle the processing and more easily isolate anything that comes up, and then adding RICH and LBFH later in the cycle since I’ve run them before.

@ksub @Trader @Lion I know you all have a lot of experience with Khan. Do you have any recommendations on how I should approach K3?

2 Likes
#113

Great journal and great action taking. Keep going, bro. I think you will get good ideas on the way.

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#115

Am sure someone else will advice you. There are days when we just don’t want to do it and today is one of those days for me.

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#116

Will tag @Malkuth, @Sub.Zero, @Invictus and @AlexanderGraves. They give great advice.

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#117

What is the essence of your takeaway from K1 and K2?

If you boil it down to one paragraph, what have you experienced and what are you experiencing?

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#118

Keep going, mate.

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#119

I definitely hear that :fist:t5: Thanks for calling in the cavalry anyway, I appreciate it.

1 Like
#120

That’s a hard ask but I’ll do my best. One paragraph for each :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

K1: Big challenge in my first week physically and mentally. I think because it was stacked with RICH I manifested a big job way outside of my comfort zone but pulled through and gained some confidence in the process. Got invited to interview for a good gig and did well enough to make it through the rounds. Sense of time slowed way the hell down and I felt like I could get more out of my hours than ever before. I was actually feeling pretty damn good by the end of the cycle.

K2: Heavy from the start. It’s crazy to say but after I realized how heavy it was I had moments where I hesitated to press the play button. Slow and neutral-meh in the middle, made it to the final round of the interview process but ultimately failed, nothing but pain in the end having to accept that and also realizing my plan to go forward might not be a good fit for me + experiencing huge headaches and frustration. But also had a crystallizing moment where I realized two core things within me that I absolutely must improve, and a mindset shift about my life and my situation that I don’t think I can unsee.

My takeaway? Control myself, endure, and continue. The path is mostly good but I’m in the middle of the shit part right now so of course it’ll be hard.

2 Likes
#121

No, I appreciate your input and that’s a logical conclusion even for me who wants to move on from K2. Stay with the sub that is bringing the heat and insights – don’t switch from it (even if it’s a multi-stage of the “same” sub).

Please humor me because this is genuine confusion, and the more clarity you can provide the easier it will be for me to understand where your advice is coming from.

If you’re telling me that I should keep running K2 (and K1) my question is, “until when?” What you’ve said is even more arbitrary than the official guidelines which at least give me a clear path forward and ability to push through the pain. I’ve already reported that K1 wasn’t particularly difficult for me outside of the first week, and that I was feeling good at the end of the cycle. And I’ll continue to listen to K2 as part of K4 eventually, so it’s not like I’m done listening to it. It’s a permanent part of Khan. K2 has obviously kickstarted some sort of growing process, so are you telling me that at some point in K2 I’ll feel objectively good and “finished” with this growth, and that’s the sign to move on to K3? From what I’ve seen in people’s journals, K2 never gets to that point. Could you tell me more clearly how to make a judgement call? And if I move on to K3 and subsequently K4, how will that prevent me from continuing to work towards the same growth?

And I’m sure you have better things to do, but could you be more specific about how spending more time in K2 right now will set me up to truly benefit from Khan? And what “truly benefitting” from Khan means or looks like? And specifically what that looked like for you when you ran it?

Any more information would really help me understand what you’ve said :pray:t5:

#122

Keep up, mate. Great job! :slight_smile:

1 Like
#123

I tried to make it as clear as day that I’m asking all of these questions for clarity, respect your time (because I know I’m asking a lot of questions), and that anything you could share would help me out. Where did you get arrogance from??? I greatly appreciate your response… you calling me arrogant is unfair and uncalled for! :confused:

My questions are very direct because I’m looking for straight answers and I want to know your exact experience so I can understand what you’re telling me and why. Please think about it from my perspective – I have never run this sub in its entirety before. I’ve read the sales page that you referenced a few times and I’ve drawn my own conclusions on how to run it and how to go through it in my own way, however limited that may be. So you keep referring me to the sales page but I’m already acting and speaking from my own interpretation of the sales page. Even your quote itself says “Once you have some experience and have finished the full 4 month process, you can go back and repeat the whole 4 stages or go back to a specific stage…” So IMO the first step is to get through all four stages then use that experience to make a decision.

It is up to you how to use these stages – use the first stage, then the fourth, or do them one by one. Or perhaps you are most intrigued by Total Action – go for it. Or you simply want it to be simple and want to listen to Khan Complete – perfectly valid.

And, again, the sales page doesn’t seem so concerned with length of time outside of the basic instructions. You keep using the word “arbitrary” but your advice is the definition of arbitrary.

If you’re coming in and saying, "ignore the official instructions, run the stages for longer individually until you’re ‘ready’ ", then all I’m asking is how will I know that I’m “ready?” How did you yourself know that you were ready? Just like there are clear signs that the subliminal is processing, are there physical or mental signs that the subliminal is “finished” or “mastered”? I want to know your specific experience and process of going through Khan that makes you say this.

K2 revealed what I need to work on. So are you saying that I’m unable to work on those things if I move on to K3? I must continue on K2 in order to do the required work? If not, I will diminish my results how? Less wealth? Stay sexless? I’m asking for specific examples and information because I don’t have the experience to visualize what you’re saying, and the sales page does not communicate the same things that you’re saying to me right now.

This is the type of information I want to know!! Good or bad, specifically what did you do with Khan, how can you tell you rushed, what happened in your life that makes you say that you didn’t end up as Khan? Why didn’t you go back and run the stages again? This will help me understand your advice.

And, again, I’m not being arrogant here – If you’re saying pre-Q was so different from ZP and you ultimately gave up, how does what you say apply to me?? Have you tried again on ZP? It’s a logical question to ask – I’m not trying to antagonize you.

LASTLY,
In my post before you guys came, I said I’m going to run K3 and I wanted help to know how to stack it with LBFH, and RICH. Maybe run K3 solo first, let it process, and then add LBFH and RICH later in the cycle? And nobody has given me any actual comments on that. I appreciate the advice, but y’all aren’t really helping me… Can I get less wisdom and generalities and more specific thoughts or experiences? And if you don’t have those then it’s OK – I also appreciate someone like @Lion who can just tell me “Nah bro I don’t have anything to say to you right now. You can work on it by yourself.” I’m not opposed to going through pain or making mistakes. But it would be stupid to not at least ask, knowing there are people on this forum who can possibly help me make better choices. That’s all!

1 Like
#124

So, something that is clear about you from your descriptions of K1 and K2 is that you are willing to put yourself out there and willing to take action.

Even in K1, you manifested an interview opportunity. And you followed through with the whole thing.

OKay , so you “failed” the job interview. But that’s like “failing” a romantic relationship or “failing” to hire a contractor to renovate your apartment.

It’s not a true failure.

Some things are too important (or too big) to be measured by the tiny metrics of Success and Failure.

Soul, Purpose, Vocation are among those things.

You can’t truly fail at your purpose. It’s more just a question of how it’s going to manifest right now.

You can’t fail at it because it’s bigger than you and your changing concepts of Success and Failure.

So instead, your job is to inhabit it. To get out there and live. That’s your job.

Just as a Spoiler Alert. This whole life thing ends when a person dies. That’s how every single life ends. Despite our primate tendencies, it’s not actually a contest. How can it be when the “prize” is exactly the same for everyone?

That’s why the process matters more than the outcome.

And as I hear your descriptions, I think that one of your strengths is that you’re able to merge with Process. You have some ability to Flow.

But you doubt yourself at times.

There’s actually a diagnostic term for this kind of psychological presentation.

It’s called

Diagnosis

Being Human

I suspect that in some ways K1 and K2 may have been the harder parts of the process for you. You probably tried to master your impatience. But you’re probably a person who likes to ‘make it happen’. So, I’d say that K3 is good news for you. Because with K3 and K4, I think you’ll get to do a lot more of what comes more easily.

Don’t worry about if you’re “failing” or “succeeding”.

F**k that.

Get out there and be a bad-ass.

Live life.

Be yourself.

That’s going to end up taking you as far as you want to go and still farther.

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