Eighteen Months of the True Khan

[COWolfe]

My wife LOVES long hair. I had hair down past my shoulders when we met amd id love to do that again because I look damn good that way.
Unfortunately, that can’t happen until I find another line of work.

[RVconsultant]

@Trader

But on the flip side, she will nag about my hair being too short or if I “need to shave.”

How about playing this song to her to commemorate such occasions?

Erasure - Drama! (Official HD Video)

“One rule for us, for you another…”

Thank you…

And now back to Eighteen Months of the True Khan.

[COWolfe]

• I’m a bit conflicted about what to run as a second program for next cycle. On one hand, I got a larger paycheck and the financial situation has abated somewhat for a short time. The next one should be bigger too.
  That might give me a cycle to focus on other things and manifestation is quite possible in the bloom period. I may not NEED RICH Elite right now.
  I think that I need to find some direction. Some way to go that breaks this stagnation that I feel stuck in. That points to ROM. But I’m still worried about financial problems getting worse.
  I am definitely going to do a year long EOG run starting the first of the year.
  I got some more clarity on what I want out of that.
  I’m not looking to become a billionaire or anything like that. What I want is to be in a financial position where I can live like I want to without it being a constant struggle.
  That’s it. Be able to buy stuff, (and I’m not talking about private jets here) that i and my family want, do things that we want to, and not have to worry about the bills getting paid.
  With subliminal help, that should be achievable in a year.
  In the meantime I need some clarity on what direction to go in order to get out of this rut in several aspects of my life.

[COWolfe]

• Annnnnd I’ve only been paying attention to my own journal and completely missed the fact that they just dropped a whole bunch of new titles. Including one that seems to be exactly what I need right now.
  So the winner of the next second title in my stack contest is Genesis. I’d been talking about feeling purposeless and like I need to find a new path in life, and here it is. It may end up as the second core for stage four as well.

[COWolfe]

• So I have a conundrum. I REALLY want to try Genesis out, but swapping RICH Elite for it during a cycle would break COWolfe’s Rules of Disciplined Sub use.
  I know, I know, I’m having a bit of shiny object syndrome. This one sounds like just what I need at the precise moment I needed it though.
  I’d only be missing out on two loops of RE before my washout and I’m really looking forward to seeing what this sucker can do.
  WTF, I already bought it.

[Trader]

A true Emperor doesn’t allow himself to get stuck in rigidness. You’re definitely making the right move if it feels like it’s what you need.

[COWolfe]

@Trader

A true Emperor doesn’t allow himself to get stuck in rigidness. You’re definitely making the right move if it feels like it’s what you need.

Interesting thing to ponder. He also does not allow himself to be drawn off of a course of action easily or break any of his personal rules, so long as they are well considered, without a very good, well thought out reason.
I went ahead and did it though. We will see if it was a good move.

[Trader]

I bought Genesis. But I’m holding of running it yet. Once I’m ready, I’d like to jump in with Ultimate Programmer and RoM I think.

[COWolfe]

• As I mentioned, I went ahead and did it. I’ll be listening to my first loop as soon as TK3 finishes up.
  I’d be concerned that it’s a recon reaction, shiny object syndrome, or just me being flighty, but the sales copy included so much that I’ve realized that I’ve been lacking lately. Truth be told, I’ve been lacking these things for a very long time.
  It promises a sense of wonder, adventure, and purpose. All of which are things that have been missing from my life.
  I can forgive myself for breaking the rules this time.
  The last time I really remember feeling a sense of wonder, I mean really looking forward to the unknown future with excitement, was before I moved to another state to go to the second college I went to. I want that feeling back.

[COWolfe]

• After my loops my mind feels lighter, cleaner, like the air right after a summer thunderstorm. It reminds me of the feeling I got after running my first loop of DE.

• I realized something during the loop. One of the barriers I have to connecting with people is facial expressions.
  You know how when you lock eyes with someone, you sort of naturally smile and your eyebrows go up in a greeting?
  Yeah, I don’t do that. Not normally anyway.
  I habitually have a very neutral expression on my face, and it doesn’t change much.
  I developed this habit very early in school. I was picked on a lot (I go into this a lot more in my DR journal) and had parents who weren’t much better than the kids. I figured out early on that I was in an environment where people were trying to hurt me. The last thing you want wjen that’s happening is to show them that they’ve succeeded. The more they see your pain, the more pleasure they get. It’s like bleeding into shark infested waters.
  So I eventually learned the stone face technique. Never show pain, embarrassment, awkwardness, or that anything is effecting you.
  Unfortunately, that evolved into never show anything. That is making it really hard to connect with people. Especially on first meeting. Amd if I can’t connect with lots of people, specifically women, I’m not going to be able to accomplish the goals that I’ve set for myself amd this program.
  I am going to have to be a lot more open and natural if I want what I said I want in the beginning of this journal.

[saint]

Same! Never thought about this being a barrier, but you articulated it quite well!

I have supportive parents and family… but there’s too much drama, nosiness, and using information and emotions to manipulate people/situations. So I naturally realized at some point the best way to handle was to not show emotions and give them absolutely nothing to feed off of.

I too became that way by default and only open up around people I feel are safe. But you can’t get from stranger → trust without opening up…

Thanks for sharing – it gave me a chance to reflect too.

How do you plan to address this habit, though? Feels like it becomes a serial killer smile if you force it, and I think it comes across as charming and more genuine if you’re normally neutral and finally do crack a smile.

[COWolfe]

@saint

Same! Never thought about this being a barrier, but you articulated it quite well!

It can be a barrier or a great skill to have depending on what I’m trying to do.
It makes it difficult to connect with people initially because I come off as standoffish or downright hostile before I’ve gotten into a conversation with someone. Add to that that I’m a fairly large guy who dresses in black leather and the like, and I might be intimidating off the women I want to meet.

[saint]

@COWolfe

It can be a barrier or a great skill to have depending on what I’m trying to do.
It makes it difficult to connect with people initially because I come off as standoffish or downright hostile before I’ve gotten into a conversation with someone. Add to that that I’m a fairly large guy who dresses in black leather and the like, and I might be intimidating off the women I want to meet.

LOL I see the issue clearly now. Yeah maybe it would help to smile, I’d probably shit my pants myself if I ran across you randomly somewhere!

[COWolfe]

• I don’t know what I’m seeing from Genesis yet. One thing I noticed was that I had a lot of questions going through my head as I drove home this morning.
  They were kind of in the back of my head, (this is hard to describe) right on that boundary between conscious and subconscious. All related to what do I really want to do going forward. They were all Pretty vague, but one stood out.
  “What have you found rewarding in the past?”.
  I’d be willing to bet that that’s a direct script quote. Saint has said that we all do that. It’s interesting that I was cognizant of it this time (assuming I’m correct).
  Other than that, I’ve had a completely normal day.
• It’s also an interesting question, and going to require more thought than you’d think. I’ve been on survival and avoidance mode most of my life. Most of my decisions were at least subconsciously guided by attempting to get away from something that seemed a threat or was making me unhappy or uncomfortable instead of toward something that would make me feel happy or fulfilled.
  I’ve mentioned that in my DR journal and earlier in this one. DR did a creditable job of getting rid of things that I wanted it to escape, but now I’m kind of in a limbo state because I have never really figured out what I want to run TOWARDS.
  That has kind of left me in a limbo state with the negative motivation gone but not yet replaced with something positive.

[saint]

@COWolfe

“What have you found rewarding in the past?”.

@COWolfe

• It’s also an interesting question, and going to require more thought than you’d think. I’ve been on survival and avoidance mode most of my life. Most of my decisions were at least subconsciously guided by attempting to get away from something that seemed a threat or was making me unhappy or uncomfortable instead of toward something that would make me feel happy or fulfilled.

@saint

But in talking to her and reflecting on all the mental pain I’ve been experiencing, I wondered: “Why don’t I stop worrying so much about things that I don’t want to do, and start focusing my time on doing things that I do like to do?” Find aspects of my current job and side business that I like and do more of them. Find new things that interest me – bonus points if they are inexpensive or cheap – and try them. Avoid things that don’t interest me as much as possible.

It’s easy to say and kind of obvious when I write it out like that, but like… damn it, I just haven’t lived that way in my adult life.

Yep, I know that feel too. Came up recently in Khan st 2. Idk about you, but deep down I feel like it’s impossible for me to ever find it. Or that I don’t deserve it. Like, even something as simple as weather. I KNOW my dream is to live in a warm place and/or become a snowbird and never experience the cold again. But somehow I find myself in the coldest region in the country.

Rewarding… Are there ANY particular answers or anything that jumps to your mind immediately that you’d be willing to share? Do you think it’s about purpose or work? Or developing a rewarding lifestyle? Is it possible to live a life that’s feels rewarding in all aspects?

[COWolfe]

• So, What did I find rewarding in the past? I’ve probably got multiple answers here, and I’ll write about them as they come up.
  The first thing on that list has got to be writing. It was the first thing that anyone, myself included, noticed that I was GOOD at.
  It started when I was in like, fourth or fifth grade. My school had us write and “publish” a book every year.
  The other kids produced children’s books (shocker) of maybe ten pages at most.
  I wrote a forty page sci fi adventure based on some stories that my dad used to tell me.
  The teachers loved it. My parents loved it. Even the other kids loved it. I loved it too.
  It was the first time I can remember since I was a toddler that I got praise for something I did instead of a stream of abuse from all of the groups of people I mentioned above.
  It felt great, but I only had the opportunity to do it once a year for the next two.
  After that, I made a start or two on writing something on my own now and then, but I never finished anything. Plus I aced writing assignments.
  It didn’t play a huge role in my life again until I went to a new school my sophomore year.
  Then I joined the school newspaper as a for credit class.
  I would up writing a monthly opinion column. Everyone liked it, and told me so. This was great.
  I planned to have a career in journalism and write novels as of the time I left high school.
  Unfortunately, my mind intervened. I had too many unresolved issues (thoroughly covered in The Year of the Dragon Emperor) and the long and short of it is that I wouldn’t let myself succeed.
  I got overly focused on psycho ex #1 as she exited my life in a downward spiral of her own, and flunked out of college.
  I’ve started several writing projects since but never finished. And eventually just stopped doing it.
  Maybe it’s time to get organized and serious about using that skill.
  I don’t know how to monetize it immediately, but I know that I am a story teller. Always have been. I just got in my own way until now.

[COWolfe]

@saint

Rewarding… Are there ANY particular answers or anything that jumps to your mind immediately that you’d be willing to share? Do you think it’s about purpose or work? Or developing a rewarding lifestyle? Is it possible to live a life that’s feels rewarding in all aspects?

I just posted one. It is about all of those things.
It’s about purpose inside and outside of paying work. It’s about using that to build the lifestyle I want.

[COWolfe]

• I might have known. I felt another module pack coming on, and it’s there.
  There are a few that I might want to include in Stage four. I think that the plan for that one is going to be to go all out on the effect modules. Thus far I haven’t had any success on the finding other partners front, and that was one of the major goals for this run.
  It’s time to really get off my ass with that, and these could help.
  The other question is do I put Genesis in as a second core and still have that second slot open, perhaps for a fitness program?
  My brain might choke on that, or it might be epic.

[saint]

Seems like you have a clear idea on what to focus on then! Nice!

I hope Genesis and whatever else you do will help you find a path to apply writing and storytelling in a way that brings you money and much more happiness Will be lurking to see what answers you find.

[COWolfe]

         **5/29/23 STAGE 3 CYCLE 3 WEEK 4**
         **WASHOUT WEEK # 11**

• I have my son his first motorcycle ride today. He loved it. That was fun.

• I think I’ve been feeling a bit more confident these last few days, and the questioning continues in the background where I can hardly perceive it.
  I haven’t come up with much other than writing at this point, but it’s percolating back there.

• I’ve had an outline for the first novel in a series in my head for about twenty years. I’m getting more glimpses of it lately. It’s fantasy, but let’s call it unconventional fantasy. I think it can go over pretty big if I can tell the story well enough.
  I think I’ll at least start studying how to actually get that done as well as at least start getting an outline onto paper.