Custom Regen / PCC journey--clearing out time

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#41

I’m tired and in bed, but wanted to write.

This was my first complete rest day. I may or may not take off tomorrow. I only say that since I heard some inner voice say one day is enough (not a norm for me). Not really critical either.

I had an awareness this morning which shows the healing subs are making some clear progress. I was doing a normal Monday route at work this morning, and the early AM darkness was getting brighter. I desired the darkness since, well, I’ve mentally found a safe place there and have done so for years.

Right then, I realized something had changed in me. To make this fantasy happen (even a week ago), my mind would focus on that and nothing else. In this thinking, I would block out anything and everything that kept the fantasy from happening.

But this morning… I just couldn’t go there, making my mind fall into line. I allowed it. I even enjoyed it. It was lighter and freer than I’d been a week ago, and I knew this was from my sub use.

And I had a good day :slight_smile:

#42

I thought of Saint’s words, how some explain away success with subs, so I followed the inner leading I had and began listening this morning. I first did a loop of EU. I use headphones for the Ultima tracks, so I listened while getting some more shuteye. Listening to RQ now.

I’m kind of rested on using my custom and RQ more on my phone. I looped both on different days last week (my first times doing so), but I’d been afraid for months (since Q was released) of major reconciliation. Which is why I’d used Q titles so sparingly.

But I didn’t have those effects. RQ is slightly more intense, but my custom felt nice.

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#43

dont think theres anything to fear just keep low loops and monitor yourself, also rest days dont skip them will help you greatly

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#44

Thanks for the reminder about low loops @NinjaFox . I keep trying to resort to preQ listening patterns due to ease, and I’m finding Q much more powerful. Today I had my custom looping on my phone, but I only got maybe 4 loops total since I kept having to leave my phone due to work. Then I got off work. I resumed it on my phone, and it felt kind of stressful, so I stopped it. Low loops, low loops, low loops. Got it.

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#45

I will share something I experienced today. I was working with my regular Tuesday driver, and all day he kept throwing funny racial jabs at me. I opened this door quite a while back since he’s black, I’m white, and I’ve been embarrassed how unaware I was about their culture. We laughed a lot today, as I had some quick replies for him at times :wink: .

But my mood was tempted to go sour in the afternoon due to the physical demands I had on me. Now that I think of it, I imagined sharing my anger harshly…but I kept it all in my imagination. I wasn’t truly angry at him. I have become increasingly aware how much I have not spoken up to people in my life, and I imagined this since…he is safer and more mature than most. Which brings in me realizing I could hurt him and our relationship if I puked at him. Huh? I’ve seen anger used mostly to hurt people.

I’m listening to RQ masked now, and I just realized my mom, the one who was easily angered, but also shut my anger down and shamed me for it, is my standard for not sharing anger. Simply, she was emotionally immature. She got stuck emotionally when young and became a lifelong alcoholic to cope with it. But the anger…well, this is why I began the Nice Guy thread. I’ve played nice instead of saying “shut the fuck up!!!” or something more appropriate. But boy I’ve felt it.

@James has spoken repeatedly about RQ and EU making him much more mature and stable, he’s using them for that reason, and for some reason, I’ve held to this. I’m starting to crave it more.

I think it’s happening to me :relieved:

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#46

I wouldn’t exactly call myself mature or stable but I’m getting there.

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#47

made me laugh @James :laughing:

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#48

Just being honest. It’s a life long process. I don’t really think there’s an end game or point. Just increasingly higher levels of awareness, perspective, and understanding.

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#49

I agree. Just today is all I have. Planning and predicting future outcomes is bullshit

#50

It’s not just that it’s also trying to or forcing yourself to be positive or optimistic when you don’t. It’s toxic as fuck and a form of emotional repression which can seriously backfire. It’s a delusion way of lying to yourself and others. There’s a reason I stay away from anything that promotes positivity. It’s not realistic

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#51

Yeah. I thought of your words, and one expression kept coming to mind.

The Royal Mindfuck

since I’ve bought into it sooooo many times.

I am so grateful I’m seeing this illusion in my own life. I had it pop up today again, with less power, but the subs are keeping me from stepping into normal denial patterns

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#52

Listening to EU now after waking up, and I feel it really working to battle my denial. I felt kind of fake, realizing I came here this morning feeling fearful, so I put on a mask.

I’m 49 years old. I have used this since early childhood. EU is removing it, doing something to it. Me just being aware of it is amazing. No mass emotional upchuck. No battle with resistance. No standard “professional protocol” by a mental health professional (been there, done that). A part of me even just said “really?”

I’ve survived by denying truth all of my life. And this simple $15 subliminal (I bought this maybe a year ago, pre-Ultima) is rewriting my mind.

I am…amazed :smile:

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#53

Woke up a little later this morning, so I’m listening to my custom this morning on my speakers.

Last night, I listened to Elixer and my custom before passing out. My custom seems to have hung with me in a good way emotionally, which is why I’m running it now. While Elixer hit quickly and precisely, my custom feels like it hits deeper.

Plus a major reason I turned it on is Blue Skies. I don’t fully get what it does, but I know it makes one more aware of love in my life. I need that. Self love and appreciation is what I’m seeking.

Edit: also seeking love outside too. I’m noticing women more, but not with a sexual mindset predominantly. I’m…feeling drawn to them. My understandings are changing.

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#54

Something’s been on my mind during my days recently. I put The Forge in my custom, and lately I’ve noticed I’ve been experiencing some continual challenges to my emotional, financial, and work norms. The description is here:

“While The Forge is contained in all subliminals, it is best known for being in the Emperor as the module EVOLUTION that was thoroughly upgraded, and for being a powerful driver of improvement. The aim of The Forge is to manifest situations that will test you, challenge you, teach you things and evolve you. It will create these situations so that not only you are truly changed, but that you profit from them.”

My work situation is showing this. Our head boss has upped his attention to me, and I mention this since it’s not something I’ve really desired. Historically in our branch, when they find someone who produces, they can push, push, and push that worker more. My perspective is actually negative here, since I’ve avoided major responsibilities here a long time. But I’ve been sought after lately. It feels good, but up to now, I’ve avoided it due to fears of being misused.

So my understanding is being challenged right now. It’s similar to one running long distance. I knew a runner in college, and he said the mental testing is what grows a runner. Challenging yourself constantly and changing one’s mindset is how a runner wins–since the body is saying “NO!! NO!!” But the mind makes the choice to keep going or not.

I’m (strangely) attracted to this now. Yeah, I said that. It feels good winning.

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#55

Main focus point for today: New Beginnings kicked in.

I have NB in my custom, and I listened to 1 1/2 loops this morning before heading for work. I felt unsure of myself and felt unconfident, and it showed up once I actually began driving. I wondered if me skipping Elixer allowed this, as it was quite the opposite of previous mornings running EU.

An hour or so into work, I thought of some spiritual email I had read this morning, and my heart desired his presence. That’s not fluffy spiritual wordplay. I really desired someone I could trust and talk to. And since I know of his character and his desire to help, I quickly opened my heart. In 2 seconds, I almost cried out honestly and emotionally to God—but my internal brakes went up. I quickly saw me desiring to be authentic, but fear and habit had me settling for less, thinking it’s safer (“distance means safety” is my inner belief)

I do this same honesty dance with guys here, and in real life. I’m running EU while writing–and damn, I’m feeling emotional pain. Like emotions want out. Keeping “safe” means locking them away. Who’s gonna win??

Pairing this with Forge, I felt this ALL day. I felt the self-inflicted pain of doing things my way…all day. Feels like emotional knives internally I think NB and Forge are working as a team. Felt off all day. Pissed. Unhappy. I know it’s Forge since that same feeling came up on loops of Emperor in times past. I’ve never felt it on any other sub.

I’m ending this post. I wanna whine.

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#56

skipping the elixir made it show up more profusely, i think they were always there the elixir just smoothing the healing out for you

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#57

Maybe. But NB just showed up for me today. Me feeling how I did and questioning my emotional foundations were quite obvious for me.

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#58

Listening to my custom solo this morning.

#59

I’m at work, and the forge has been active. I remember guys on stage 2 of Kahn saying they were kind of miserable. I’m smiling now, because I think I landed right in that with Forge. This bugger digs in and stays with you.

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#60

I’m thinking “I should be figuring something out. Playing helpless never works for anyone” It doesn’t. I’m wondering “what is useful in this mess?”

Felt like patience was being tested today, plus my tolerance for things just not working like I wanted them to. I was cursing at my GPS today since it was repeatedly making me drive more, not less. It had me take lots of unneeded turns, when a straight road was much faster. And telling me to do U-turns in the middle of traffic. And giving delayed instructions back to back with timely ones. We have drivecams in all the vehicles, so if dispatch was watching, they saw me cussing up a storm a few times.

Listening to EU now, I’m looking for and sensing something good in this mental and emotional mess today. In past times, when shit got really bad, a part of me has sensed some kind of security within myself. For example, I think “if this is as bad as it’s gonna get, I’ll be OK.” A part of me senses it’s all gonna work out fine.

And that security is something noone can take away.

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