Are you and your brother in contact now? If not, is that a possibility?
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He lives maybe 3 miles away, but no. I saw him maybe 8 months back, we spoke of getting together for coffee, but he doesnāt respond to any texts I send. I called him months back, left a message, but no reply. I sent him 2 texts in recent months, but no reply.
Still listening to LDU now, and my mind keeps checking me when I do the āitās his faultā thing. Iāve had similar fears of maintaining a relationship with him, thinking Iād have to put on a show of lies non-stop. ā¦but LDU has me thinking like a mature adult. (Loop just ended while writing)
And thinking like a proactive adult has me imaginingā¦me visiting him, which would be a first. The difference between the two mindsets is striking. I might do LDU upon waking tomorrow. Thereās strength here.
Edit: I texted him after writing this. I felt old fear surface, itād normally lock down all feelings and thoughts about him, but something feels different. Iāll let this process for a while.
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Iām glad, for one, he was there to protect you. Even if that protection ended up costing you long-term in regards to standing up for yourself.
Maybe you can take that role for yourself and all that. Which it seems like youāre making definite strides on!
Proud of ya, brother.
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While reading your reply Bill, I just burst into tears. Words are powerful.
Thank you 
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Bill, I wished to share the power of your words. I felt tearful and sad for at least an hour after listening to LDU. And ātaking that roleā for myself was exactly why I was crying. Iāve had reasons to not do this for years. Butā¦but nothing. Iāve just been scared.
I was just reading my old Ascension journal, and a fear of growing up showed up there. My main model is my brother, who when uncomfortable plays out the man-child role well by criticizing and negatively controlling anyone close to him, His work is affected as a contractor, for few people want to tolerate immaturity.
But LDU is powerful enough to challenge my own internal wall of fear. While crying, I felt like I was facing this head-on. I actually saw myself doing it. My emotions felt fear, but I also felt hope and relief just underneath. It is possible. I can do this.
So, thank you for your words. They pushed me, and it was worth it 
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I awoke early this morning, and Iām listening to LDU now. I listened to my custom before going to bed last night, for Iād been reading @Davisnwcās custom thread. Heās awoken many times after short periods of sleep, and went with it. Feels good now.
I think Iām experiencing that lull people talk about after having run SC subs a week or 2. My custom hit me hard the first run, and thereās now little umph felt. Thank God Iām not really feeling like āitās not doing anythingā, as putting in LDU is helpful as well. Iām not dealing with desires to jump off.
But being honest, I pull a lot of SC subs in when I feel needy for one. I put in Ascension for a loop yesterday, Mogul too, and even Emperor v.4. I did Emp since I desired to move, having been on my back all day. I didnāt finish that loop, as something felt wrong in me, so I turned it off. But I got my chores done.
Iām just writing now.
Something Iāve become more aware of is exciting to admit to, as itās been directing me a LOT more than I realized, with negative results. Iām referring to guilt. When I look at recent decisions Iāve been making, guilt has been my main decider. Iāve never openly dealt with it. Iāve been aware of it, but guilt said āyou shouldnāt mess with this. This will save your life.ā Iāve listened.
But this same guilt makes me vulnerable to coworkerās pleas for help, for one. One boss lady I avoid daily since she manipulates through guilt, saying stuff like āyou shouldā¦ā or āwhy do youā¦?ā with intent to emotionally corner a worker. I get pissed being treated that way. My most common reaction is silence when cornered because internally, Iām saying āyou bitch, donāt fucking do that!ā Good news though. Sheās going to a different site soon.
Guilt is also why I havenāt been to church for the last 3 years. I allow myself to be guilted into some thinking or belief, so I donāt go since Iām not sure how to be in healthy control of myself. Iām considering Rogue and more alpha-oriented modules for future builds (Lion, Rogue, Alpha of Alphas, etc).
Iām feeling guilt surface while writing since Iām challenging it. I am listening to LDUāso maybe itās on that limitation too. Nice 
. Iām seeing guilt has been an invisible anchor in my life for a long, long time. It keeps me from moving forward, backward, or anywhere really.
Maybe Regeneration is bringing this up since Iām not using Ares. Iām excited that itās being worked on!
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Got home and put on a custom loop. Finished it and am now looping LD masked (pre-Q). Waiting on a bitcoin withdrawal, so Iām a little anxious.
Also called Mr. Einstein about our startup progress since he asked me to, and got some good news. We just cut down setup time by 3 months! Miracles DO happen! The absence of stress is what Iām celebrating since a local supplier offered his own facility as a base for us starting up. Since he has licensing for everything we plan on doing, this nixes wait time for all the state and local permits required! Ahhhhā¦ All we need to do is purchase the machinery and set it up to begin extraction.
And simultaneously, Iām noticing a bit of honest-to-God inner self-doubt, like itās trying to pull me down. Like part of me is saying āwho do you think you are?ā
Goes hand in hand with my work supervisorās constant feedback loop which I stewed on today. Simply, the message is (repeatedly) ādo your job perfectly!āā¦and also āsomethingās wrong hereāāeven if done perfectly. It sounds like how I treat myself, and Iām grateful to be seeing this. Iām seeing I make unrealistic demands upon myself, then scorge myself at just the possibility of making a mistake.
LDU and my custom are bringing things up, so I mention them.
ā¦I thinkā¦no, I know Iāve willingly hid behind these negative feelings and beliefs all my life so Iād never succeed. Damn. Too flippinā true. This has been me.
Thank you, @SaintSovereign and @Fire, for making these subliminals. Change can be scary, but not changing is scarier when one imagines looking back on oneās life. Thank you for pushing through with these major life-changing subliminals. They work.
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Do I survive off of otherās approval?
This thought came to me just now, as I came here to write. I was reading Saintās journal this morning, and his patient reply to some who had complained touched me. He mentioned how those who often complain about hype are also very controlling of themselves, and via writing here, also try to control others.
I do this myself. I try to control my worldāand others (subtly, Iād like to think), but even yesterday I experienced this at work. My main temp worker is Haitian, I translate a lot to him using my phoneābut he wonāt do it himself, and heās always on his phone. I tried controlling him yesterday. Didnāt work, I felt the pressure I was trying to force, and I backed offāfor me. I felt that āIām not happy, but if you do what I say, then Iāll be happy!ā It makes everyone unhappy.
Subs. Iāve been fearful and ashamed sharing how often I switch subs around. I use only SC subs now, but I have mixed competitors subs here in the past.
And over the last 8 hours, Iāve been thinking of what I actually want to be my focus. Iāve got my custom, plus nearly every other SC title less the sexual and body building subs (2 areas I feel un-powerful in). Saint brought up control, and though Regen and my custom should be my focus, Iāve been running Ascension and Stark a lot. Iāve wanted to feel some power in my life. I ran Ascension yesterday, thus my overzealous control attempt at work.
Summary: Iāve been afraid of giving up control. However, I did do something this morning. Iād started StarkQ, and was reading Saintās journal. Stark was me choosing to feel success over possibly feeling defeat (or memories of defeat) using Regen. Thatās been my habit: avoid, avoid, avoid.
I said āfuck it. Letās face thisā, and put on RegenQ. I create bad stories in my head to keep me from facing things Iām afraid of. I was afraid to feel sadness, to remember feelings of defeat and helplessness.
Running it now. Gotta get ready for work now.
Tears finally came too. Iāve been fighting them.
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Regeneration has been breaking through, and today was the first day I had outward expressions of it. I almost cried around a coworker today, and all afternoon, even when speaking of happy things, I had this sadness in my throat.
I listened to Elixer last night, then a loop of my custom. But I put the latter on as I began getting ready for bed. I usually do it once I get home.
Then this morning, I began a loop of RegenerationQ, and I actually stopped it 15 minutes in since I realized I could do a full loop of Elixer before heading out for work. Did so, and I ran Stark on my phone heading to work. However, I purposely looped it. Iāve had no negative reactions on it, plus others have spoken of looping it without citing problems. I did maybe 4 loops.
At lunch, I began Regeneration (v.1), looping it, and had a short nap. Somehow, after lunch I began getting soft. And since I worked with a very talkative female coworkerāwell, maybe it triggered something. My mom would talk, but was rarely emotional. This girl was the same. She is younger, but she was also a Marine Corporal who spent numerous tours in the Middle East. In short, she is emotionally unavailable. Maybe I was triggered by her.
Keeping a short story short, Regeneration and its intentions are finally breaking through. Iām running a loop of RegenerationQ now, and Iāve got 2 loops of my custom after that.
This afternoon, I was very aware how much Iāve used repression and suppression of my own feelings to keep me my heart from being hurt once again, and family members have always been the reason for that focus. For example, I have not communicated with my sister since well before last Thanksgiving. Due to too many fears, I was intentionally alone last T-day. (Last week I brought this up with a coworker, and he invited me over to eat with him and his family on T-day)
Iām feeling fearful some now. A more accurate word is lonelyā¦ since I actually regularly desert myself when scared or emotional, which is frequently. The tearsāI believe I see this nowāare the parts of me meeting once again.
Iāll stop there. Trying to write with my head, but my heartās getting louder too. Sadness is coming up.
This shift is a good thing.
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Gotta admit Iām increasingly bothered by speaking like I am powerless. My main struggle in that last post was not whining. Why a struggle?
Since itās what Iāve done for decades. It was the easy way to get attention. It was a lie. A full-on, intentional lie.
Healing in me is working on that helpless thinking I used often. I am not powerless. And the apology must go to myself. It hurt me doing that.
I am making different choices.
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I feel the same as you do sometime. I feel like I am just whining for nothing. And then it just goes away. When you feel powerlessā¦ Like your life is not changing and lost in your emotions.
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Are you using any healing subs at this time @GoldenTiger? Iāve not been following too many userās threads closely lately.
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Yes, my custom has I AM in it. Itās a terminus version, Iāve been running it for a month and I am curious to see what it cleared out!!
Iāll be trying a new āhealingā technique with like 1 month healing every couple months centered around action taking. My next is terminus KhanSt4+Pcc+SS, healing centered around emotionnal control : Ares and Discordia deliverance, NB, blue skies.
I hate healing so I have a tendency to jump back out of healing whenever I can.
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Iām using Elixer again this morning. Iāve been reading @Jamesās posts about using Regeneration and Elixer, and his change has been remarkable and steady. He recommended that combo to me even before I bought my custom.
And 2 days ago, when I got soft at work, Iād listened to Elixer that morning. Ultimaās a precise, powerful little setup, it works, so Iām using that now.
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Does this make sense?
I decided to focus on some healing this afternoon; I planned this while at work this morning. I thought Iād do Elixer and RegenerationQ, plus my custom. But this whole afternoon, I mentally got focused on running Kahn St1. I even downloaded the KahnQ onto my laptop here. I had to talk to myself since I wanted Kahn, but Regeneration was my focus.
It sounded like reconciliation since my actual playtime went like Elixer, some indecision, then LDU, now RegenerationQ. Iām thinking about my custom next.
I got pulled towards Kahn since it yields power and sexuality. I also got to remembering some positive mental changes while on St1.
And honing in on what my focus is, Iāll do another Elixer loop after this instead of my custom. Feeling that hesitancy I felt earlier.
To explain Kahn, itās a full package of what Iām desiring mentally and emotionally. I like full packages in a single sub, and being able to run it whenever.
Iām drawn towards feeling powerful again.
Reconciliation?
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I listened to ElixerU, RegenQ, then Kahn St1 this morning. Last night I looped my custom, 3 times.
An hour ago I got antsy since Iām finding that me taking action relieves the tension. Got up, washed dishes, ate lunch, and gathered my laundry.
But I was soft. I had āRewrite the Starsā going on in my head (Kahn related? most likely), though Iāve not listened to pieces from The Greatest Showman for months. I know me going out around people wakes up some subs, as Iāve found this on EOG and Kahn. Ascension too.
As I cleaned up here, I was crying, feeling and looking for the emotion in the music (Iād pulled up the soundtrack on YT). I see a pattern which brings me back to 7th grade. I was losing normal supports in my life, and creating my own music was an emotional relief for me (via a coronet, a smaller trumpet). I left something, or part of me, behind. Music opens me up easily. Still needing this now.
Then I got a text from a team member about our startup. He looked up my bitcoin exchange on review sites, and heās convinced Iāve been scammed. He contacted our COO, and now Iām feeling expelledāsince someone with a scarcity mindset is afraid heāll look dumb in front of others (the team memberās own self-stated fear). I replied once and left it, sharing heāll find that Coinbase is also a scam, according to these guys.
Fear can kill a relationship, a business, anything we value. Iām feeling a lesson here. Putting thoughts together, Iād say I should be aware of my team memberās values and beliefs. We are greatly influenced by who we (I) hang around. And the scarcity mindset can be a real deal killer, on many different levels. Iām sitting here wondering āwhatās my lesson here?ā Not wanting to miss it.
A bigger (louder) lesson involving the startup for me came via Saint yesterday. I was reading his journal, and the clarity of his words easily stuck in me: āif you love what you do, itās not workā
I have been praying about this since so many norms would be challenged, spiritual ones too. Me doing more emotional clearing has allowed me to really be aware of the commitments Iāve given. I am a little ashamed to admit this, but I told my female boss very clearly less than a year ago I would get my CDL and drive for our company. I was on a clear mission to win her favorābut I did give my word. Maybe 2 months back I read something about keeping our word, and it hit me clearly. I had told her I would. And Iāve felt better about myself the more Iāve thought about it. I donāt like driving all day. Seriously, itās boring as hell. But even yesterday I spoke with a coworker about this, and I want to believe in what I say. I want to be honest with people. And sometimes it chokes me up. I almost cracked yesterday while talking to the coworkerāfor I wanted, so wanted to be honest and trustworthyāwith myself. Itās that self-responsibility thing at work. Being irresponsible means I get to act like a kid. And I want to be responsible and mature for myself, in real life.
Iāve spent a lot of time watching irresponsible people fail. Iāve blamed them (āitās their faultā), but not now. Iām choosing to own my lifeāand THATās what I want. Being a āvictimā of this situation was my choice. NO MORE. Growing up is my job now. Saint said if you do what you love, itās not work. I love the act of growing up, owning my choices, and living with them unless I need to adjust something.
Growing up feels good.
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I feel sad this morning. Obviously, RGQ and the others are still active. But Iām going to take today off as a rest day. I think Iāve only taken one 2-day period off before. Iām wondering how Iāll feel today to take another day off.
Iām a little scared Iāll be soft all day, and I feel full of opposite feelings and thoughts presently. I first got up to get coffee, but felt that knowing that I would be shutting down/clamping down my emotions. I used it primarily to do that when I began drinking it daily years back.
Iām feeling a lot. Thatās all. No crisis. No emergency. Just fear.
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I felt something after I got up from my bed. I was scared of suppressing myself again by being ābusyā, but that didnāt happen. Thatās why Iāve lingered in bed for an hour.
I felt my energy rise, like the subs were waiting for me to get active. Like my fear was questioned. Challenged.
āNo, fear, Iāll be ok today. I am taken care of today, all day, and every day.ā
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