Edited my entry.
Why am I stepping into things I have felt fear about?
Why am I choosing to win?
Why am I letting go of feeble attempts to grow forward?
Why am I so successful in business and commerce?
Why am I loving beautiful women in my life?
Why am I complete and adequate?
Why am I unafraid today?
How am I making positive changes in my life today?
Why am I invigorated as a masculine man in society?
Why am I so capable of achieving success mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?
I came on here in a whiny mentality, and I began asking āwhy this? why that?ā and stopped. I remembered my thinking brings those things into my life, so no wonder. I did what Iāve done before, and rewrote some big concerns into seeing positive results. My original questions were setting me up for failure, so I just stopped them and challenged them with positive possibilities. Our sc is very literal.
@subliminalguy, wow no idea how I only discovered this Journal of yours just a second ago, lol! Iāve not been checking into as many journals as I used to do.
Looks good, thank you for contributing and leaving all those valuable insights here for us to absorb. That said, Iām interested to know whether you used Power Can Corrupt before and how it is different in your Custom (less pronounced or not), and some of the major things you noticed from Power Can Corrupt. Like how has it changed your life so far and what kind of behaviors has it provided you with?
I listened to RQ and my custom this morning. I came here during that time.
I was reading the Q modules experiences thread, and someone spoke up about Ares, which Iāve been eyeing. He noted he felt it was in Ascension. It only took a second, for I knew this was true. Every time Iāve run Ascension, I feel more confident to do what is right in front of me. And Iām looping v.2 right now. Gotta do some things today.
While in the Q store, I began making a 2nd custom setup. It starts with I Am, with AscMog as my one core. Ares, Deus, Raikov, plus numerous wealth enhancers are included. I just wanted to do more than heal in isolation from the world, especially since my outward focus is financial mostly. I wonāt pick these up today due to finances, but next week, itās very likely.
Thanks for dropping in @Hermit! I was reading your comments today in the Q modules experiences thread.
PCC has been subtle in comparison to running it as a solo title. Iāve looked for it, and one obvious expression of it is in my charisma combined with a subtle IDGAF attitude.
I noticed this yesterday while dropping something off in a community. Iāve loved being physically active and limber on the job, and I had to climb on top of our trailer, a steel cage, supporting myself while straddling the cage bars while being 12 feet up in the air. I pulled my item over the top, and I climbed down easily and naturally. I even saw one car stop, observing me. Iāve been afraid before of attention, but PCC has allowed me to even revel in it.
PCC also has me thinking LESS about otherās negative attention. It doesnāt serve me.
But the charismaāI LOVE it!
Ok. Iām facing this internal conflict, I acted on it, but hiding it (my norm) highlights how Iāve tried to completely avoid me feeling like a failure by disappointing others and possibly being rejected and abandoned.
This weekend, Iāve played my custom and Reneration. However, I did a lot of journal reading here, following all-in-one sub journals, mostly about Kahn or Emperor. I realize when I am inactive, I associate it with old thinking. That thinking is Iāve been left behind (an old trauma) and that I couldnāt change it. Noone could or would help, and Iām just revisiting that place.
I began Elixer Ultima just now since it will either bring this to a release, or just calm me down. This is my first EU loop today. Feeling a lot of fear.
What I acted on was listening to Kahn St4 last night and early today, followed by feelings of anxiousness. Reading Fridayās Emperor journal had me pull up EmpQ and RQ the last few hours.
Breatheā¦slowing downā¦
I realized just now that me switching subs wasnāt the root of my fear. However, it looked and felt very much like my childhood trauma, me being left behind and feeling unloved. Iād linked the sudden sub change with abandonment, thus why I began writing. And while EQ got me busy today (I cooked something and cleaned my kitchen)ā¦it never dealt with that root. Busyness just kept me distracted.
Finally, I sit with this active pain, the memory of old. I can deal with that since itās not going anywhere. Avoiding distraction, but desiring it. Fear is trying to build up to push me away from it. Doesnāt make sense, but it really does. Sounds fucked up because it is. My mind has tried to hang on to these memories just as they are, meaning no change and no digging for them.
Me trying to understand everything now is too much. Listening to EU still. I may listen to another healing sub after. Unsure which one. Iām just tired now.
Itās maybe 30 minutes later, and I put RQ on right after my loop of EU.
Regeneration is pushing stuff up. I know since I returned here seeking for some feel-good distraction. Anything to not feel fear of pain. Iām listening to masked, and my mind furiously began searching for an escape. Fear of pain causes me trouble 99% of the time. The pain, like what I felt while running EU 40 minutes back, wasā¦bearable. I could see it, feel it even, and I could make responsible decisions after sitting with it long enough to know it wouldnāt kill me.
But the fear of it is why Iāve run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Hell, before putting on RQ, I put Ascension on for less than 5 minutes. Why? It has Ares, and Ares focuses on fear, guilt, shame, and doubt. I sensed me avoiding the root again, so I switched to RQ since it works on fear, but it does it differently somehow.
I had thoughts of finally relaxing, I took my shower, and began to notice something @fire pointed out to me when he released v.1 of Regeneration.
Essentially, an awareness had shown up one morning after Iād used Regeneration a few days. I noticed clothes laying out around my room, and I began feeling uncomfortable with the external messyness since it wasnāt matching my decreasing internal messyness. I remember writing that I needed to start throwing some stuff out, and Fire replied happily that his module addition was working. He added this to encourage us in healing. Me throwing out old things after letting them just sit there for weeks or months was evidence of that.
Tonight I took the garbage down to the street, and came in, and the little messes around me started being more obvious. I cleaned small things for 10 minutes, butā¦ I really desired some dream time tonight. Dropping after this.
I mentioned Fireās addition to Regeneration since itās evidence that inner changes are happening.
I wrote this morning in @RVconsultantās thread. Thought Iād bring it over. I listened to EU while writing itāand I didnāt feel it heavy while listening. It is kicking in now. Iām connecting to some old memories and feelings. I thought āthis is my storyā. Correction: This was my story. Itās what and who I was at the time. I am making new choices every day.
Iām thinking of my post last night about Fireās Regeneration module. Iāve been throwing out old practices and associations for a while. I just feel that connection right now.
This morningās post:
I think people who seriously believe in conspiracy theories just want to feel special.
They feel that they are part of a group of people who know something or have some āsecret knowledgeā that most other people donāt.
Conspiracy theories also allow these people to feel like the victims, especially when they believe they are targets of persecution. This makes them special.
This was exactly why I got into it. I know thereās some element of truth, but I felt so low about myself that I used it as my base in society.
As I get mentally stable and healthier on subs, Iām reminded how low I felt. Low choices, low prospects, low goals. Knowledge was the only leverage I had, so I used it. My focus was medical conspiracy, and I even seriously looked into being a nutritionist (to help peopleāso I could feel special). Butā¦I also felt like a victim, and that step up would have made meā¦ do better than my mom. The possibility of leaving her behind scared me, so i didnāt follow it.
I also felt like an imposter, an actor around honest people. It takes a lot of work to keep up that front.
I just wanted to feel valuable. Needed. Special. Unique. Loveable. It was a never-ending, never satisfied goal.
I think humans often understate the importance of love and concern for one another and the importance of family and friends in a society.
People who grow up with a lack of love and concern from others end up filling up the emotional vacuum in their lives with something undesirable while they see themselves as victims of societyās problems.
Iāve seen this first hand in my family . I have family members who are very much into conspiracy theories too and I somehow can see that that those beliefs give them a sense of security and fill them up emotionally, given that they grew up in circumstances of family neglect.
A thought for the day:
What would specialness do for you, and if you already had what it would do for you, what would you do next?
Specialness was a need to feel more powerful since inner pain has kept me from accepting and realizing my own power (via guilt and fear).
Iād first breathe, then accept it into my now, my life as it is. Iād let it show me what freedom is (being free from fear). Iād allow it to open my eyes to all the love around me.
Iām still working on knowing and believing I have that. Next, Iād celebrate life in my present state, right where I am, alone or with others. Gifts in life were made to be received.
Iām running my custom currently. Iām much, much closer. Even looping my custom for a bit since it has Blue Skies 
I would SO go for a custom Ultima now.
Thank you for asking.
Healing update:
This morning, I listened to a loop each of EU and my custom. I felt freer, and I felt almost a physical sense of shifting in my brain.
Around 9 I was at work, when I realizedā¦my own body. I felt it. What clicked with me was some trauma had kept me from being uncomfortable in my own body. I just suddenly felt āsafeā in my own body again.
About 5 minutes before this happened, I had begun questioning and challenging my non-beneficial fear-based motivation at work. I felt kind of slower this morning, but I didnāt feel myself pushing myself either. During this time that I realized how Iād disconnected from an awareness of my body due to fear and emotional pain.
When the āswitchā happened, I felt a quiet āWOWā. I knew something big just shifted. It feels and felt like a miracle happened.
This is AWESOME!
Iām feeling low right now. Listened to EU, now RQ.
I learned months ago at another site that believing I was a victim was manipulation. When I sat with it and my thoughts, it was true.
RV asked me about feeling āspecialā. Special meant others believed me. uggā¦Iāve put on that helpless face to lure anyone in so Iād receive attention (my form of special).
At the other site, the consequences for playing the victim I could not deny. When I build relationships on lies and manipulation, I feel like SHIT. I feel low. I feel worthless. My whole reality is a farce, so I withdraw. Iām left with this created pain, a fear of discovery, and massive self-loathing.
Iām wanting to change since Iām hurting myself. And creating chaos in any and all relationships. Iāve done it all my life. It was my birth familyās unspoken secret. Itās been my secret in 12-step rooms, counselorās offices, and even here.
Truth: Iām scared to do this.
I considered deleting the last post today, but didnāt since my motive (unsurprisingly) was all self-pity based. So, Iāll keep it. Itās only bothered me since itās true.
Came home and put on my custom, but changed my plans back to what I wanted an hour ago: I wanted to come home and relax with Elixer Ultima. Iām running EU now.
No major changes today, but I did have a realization. I was thinking about my stinking thinking with attention seeking. Most times itās because Iām lonely and am wanting some kind of emotional āhandholdingā. Like Iām desiring someone to meet emotional needs I have. No shit. Childish thinking.
I thought of how something just changed in me yesterday from only listening to subs. I allowed that possibility in my thinking for the self pity, and I imagined not feeling emotional pain constantly. In a 10 second span, I felt my inner self NOT hurtingāand with it, all need or desire to seek attention for this vanished. It came back later, but the imagination was like a future reality for me.
Iām going to keep working on this via RQ, EU, and my custom. Iāve been wondering today about custom Ultimaās too. Will definitely pick up a name-embedded RQ too when available.
I feel different right now. I was just reading about a new COVID-related fictional movie being released, and anger is rising in me. I am not normally aware of anger like that.
Anger. I think I have an explanation. Iād been looking over the stack module sales pages yesterday, and Limit Destroyer has been on my mind. I was running my custom, then Regeneration (preQ) all day. I didnāt download LDQ from the store since I have v.1 of LD on my PC. I ran it when I got home, and I put on EU after. Anger showing up in me so easily is very rare for me. I normally stuff or deny it firstānice guy habits, erkā¦
I was attracted to LD since Regenerationās sales page shares itāll remove limiting beliefs too, and Iāve been pushing towards clearing some out. Iāll share Iām not consciously aware of all my limits, but Iāve used LD before solo, and parts of me have been woken up for the 2 or 3 days I ran it.
Iāll put some limiting beliefs down (kind of like I did in my EOG journal)
I am not worthy of love
I should not respect myself or anyone else.
Girls with good hearts scare me. Theyāll likely reject me.
Who am I to desire such a girl?
Being honest hurts people.
If Iām honest, Iāll get hurt.
People donāt like me.
Those few beliefs summarize my thinking right now (and it was freeing admitting them). Iām running EU now on PC speakers, but will loop LD after this
This is a great feeling. Looping LD (v.1) now, I was browsing Amazon, and decided to look up the forum threads here since something felt different.
I noticed my feelings were not so fearful. In fact, Iām considering dialoging with users here moreāand I donāt have this fearful shield up! Sweeeeet!
Got up late this morning, feeling fear. Hanging in bed means Iām afraid of something. Decided to run LD for one loop.
Iām shocked. Wow. I am realizing I have put walls and shields around me online and in real life. Like a core belief is āIām not good enough for themā. This goes way, way back to young childhood.
Gotta leave so Iām out.
Fearful again. Iām listening to RQ now on speakers. I got my wireless headphones last night for my ultimasābut I had to charge them first. And I have been imagining resuming RQ, EU, and my custom on rotation again. Fear came up, and has been coming up repeatedly.
Iāll have to leave in a half-hour (fear rose while writing that), but Iāll listen to Elixer when I get home.
This self-sabotage is telling me NO NO NO. Every major (and minor) decision is being affected by that. Grrrrrrr
Iām TIRED of swimming in my miserable shit. My life is more important than that.
Ok. Iāve been real reluctant and fearful to post. Mostly since I feel pulled into playing old roles. I have hidden behind old ātruthsā a long time, using them as excuses to not really change. I donāt want to do that. And this is big for me, actually not wanting to play old games with myself.
Iām playing KahnQ St1 right now, having run my custom first. Iāve been considering St1 for a week now, having run it maybe 2ce last weekend.
Iām tired of going through the very same stuff using the very same tools in my life. I even contacted @mecharc last week since Iād seen him go back and forth as well.
But what do I want?
To not retreat into former thinking patterns, all which were based on fear. Iām going to keep RQ and EU in my playlist, but I need Kahn (I Am) directions. Running back to old ways hurts me now even while thinking about it.
Iād call it self sabotage. Iām so tired of doing this. Been trying to push down all impulses to grow almost all weekend.
Might open my old Kahn journal. Iāll decide soon. Iām facing choices while I write to either hide in old ways or step into the unknown. Story of my life. I thank God for the I Am module. It says āNo mo fo yu!ā (feeling humor coming back too )