Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#141

Life is so complicated for me. Well my internal life at least. I feel like sometimes I can go from happy to sad at random moments.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that sometimes it feels like too much, but I don’t have a choice. I do my best to not overextend myself and work within my limits. But sometimes society just says no that’s not allowed and I bend.

And that’s my fault. I don’t have to listen. I can learn to face the consequences, the disapproval, the conflict. I have to learn to face those things, otherwise I say and do the right things to smooth out situations at the expense of my own mental health.

Society is the imposing shadowy authority figure that I yield control to. I don’t have to, but because of trauma I do. That’s important to remember. To understand that externalization of my own lack of control does nothing but perpetuate the idea that my personal power is contingent on circumstances vs unwavering.

Being part of a marginalized group has catapult me into a level of self growth and personal power. I don’t get the same opportunities and I can’t “blend” and play some societal game. It has shown me to not put weight into circumstances, reality is flexible. I need the comfort of knowing there’s a power inside me independent of societies usual definition or understanding of power. To know that I operate independently of those things and nobody can take it away, but they can try to convince me it doesn’t exist.

#142

Felt like writing

The connection between the inner and outer

The conscious, actualizes externally

The subconscious, lives in an already existing world of concepts

The subconscious wanting to retreat to an idealized world and build

The conscious wanting to explain the idealized world isn’t real.

Like a warm bed and sweet dreams, the subconscious doesn’t want to wake up and step into reality.

The conscious asks for compromise, the subconscious is unyielding. Its world is no less fake than what the conscious is a part of. And what it asks of the subconscious to step into is a massive step down in terms of quality of life.

Two societies in one mind. The conscious at war, fighting, pushing for sovereignty. Join the quest, overcome the harsh world. The subconscious already assumes it’s own utopia, perfection, at peace, the world as is is fine.

The bridge, a deep chasm of mistrust. Stories, ideas, concepts, shouted across a gap in the psyche but no means to connect with each others world.

The subconscious : Why invite in the conscious who perpetuate struggle and hardship?
The conscious: Why invite in the subconscious who are vulnerable, weak, and incapable of protecting themselves?

Each has something to offer the other, but each is afraid. Each have to build a bridge of their own concepts to meet halfway between the chasm.

1 Like
#143

Not sure if it was seductress or HoT, but I had a moment where I realized I was wearing too much makeup for no other reason than insecurity. Specifically foundation, I got roped into the insecurities the cosmetic industry is great at creating. Soooo, I’m trying to find a makeup routine that makes me feel good about myself. I will say that I have pretty good skin and foundation was never necessary for me. I just put it on because I thought I could look better with it and that’s such a slippery slope.

I know I’m still uncovering a lot of these insecurities. I spent a lot of money on makeup, mostly trial and error. Thinking if I just found some illusive combination it would all click and my looks would fall into place. Feel guilty about that, but eh what’s done is done I know better now.

So finding the perfect makeup look ironically involves less makeup for me and discovering what I really like to use vs what I feel I need to use. I consider this a pretty big win for me because I feel like I’m able to look at myself and appreciate imperfections as beautiful.

1 Like
#144

That’s really deep!

1 Like
#145

I had a really rough day a few days ago. Really really rough, I won’t go into the details of it.

But I read these two quotes from Saint and I’ve often felt this has been the battle my entire life.

I’m getting to a point now within myself where I feel the constant push pull dynamics of this. Trying to live my life and validate what I need to be happy within it, while having people vehemently opposed to me even existing as a person. I shouldn’t give those opinions weight, I shouldn’t care, I shouldn’t have it effect me so deeply but it does. I think it hurts so bad for me sometimes because I recognize this energy as the very same thing that prevented me from getting help when I was younger. And yet, all of it was just external, all of it was someone else, but I absorbed it and it became a part of me and I hold a lot of contempt and resentment for the fact that someone else or some collective opinion changed the course of my life.

And I’m still poisoned by it every day, I can actively feel this stuff holding me back from expressing who I really am. I can feel the dissonance in me, it’s like an abrasive buzzing that doesn’t go away. And I just want to feel aligned and for that buzzing to go away.

I don’t know what I have to do. It’s so deep in me, I don’t even have words. I don’t know if I should focus on healing ,try to grow, idk anymore. I just keep moving forward in the hopes it all gets better.

4 Likes
#146

That’s a deep insight, and hard work :muscle:

Best wishes miss :rainbow:

1 Like
#147

After running Seductress yesterday, later in the evening I realized how ambitious this sub is and how much inner work I have to do in order to be more in alignment with it.

I was kinda tired and just started some free thoughts. Just saying what came to mind without censoring. I found myself talking about being enchanting and radiant, how only people who deserve it gain entry to my inner world and beauty.

Then I felt like that was self absorbed, narcissistic, full of myself, etc. Then I remembered how often I’ve seen in my life men who tear down strong beautiful women or are intimidated by them. And then I realized I’m afraid of the same thing happening to me if I start valuing myself more and my own beauty and standing out in the world. It seems like the only individuals who get mad at you for establishing boundaries and holding your own inner sanctuary sacred are those that are manipulative and want you to yield easier to their control. Unfortunately for me I’m a recovering people pleaser and I can experience guilt when I don’t allow these abusers open access to me. Crazy I know, but trauma works in weird ways.

I have so much growing to do with this sub. I just really want to be for once in my life one of those people who carry themselves with confidence and self respect for themselves and aren’t shaken by haters. And who also live in alignment with themselves and don’t let the outside world interfere with all their dreams and goals.

1 Like
#148

As long as I keep moving and stay active I’m generally ok. When I have quiet moments of relaxation I’m gripped with a deep sadness. I’m trying to spend more time with that even though it feels “wrong”

I’m starting a new job soon. I keep getting mini panic attacks at night that ruin my sleep. I hate sleep sometimes. I know it’ll bring in the next day and my body isn’t always ready for that.

But this is a big change for me. Lots of ways the job could be great or horrible. It’s the unknown that kills me. I’m sure once I get a few weeks in I’ll level off but this is torture for me counting down the days.

1 Like
#149

I’m working through a ton of insecurities around my intelligence.

I was praised a lot for being “so smart” as a kid. I’m trying to undo that. It’s left me with paralyzing anxiety where any challenge or new learning experience is a determination of my self worth via my display of intelligence.

Coupled with ADHD and potentially auditory processing issues, I can appear slow to people. I’m very self conscious of that. I definitely have some trauma because of how I was treated by others. I may also have dyscalculia. I’ve been treated like shit for struggling to make change working a cash register in the past when a customer decides to add coins after the transaction goes through. People would watch me, make snide comments, and tell me it wasn’t that hard and get frustrated with me.

People are too hung up on intelligence. I hate the praise it gets, I hate the expectancy, and I hate the narrow definition of it based on the subjective context of that individuals life. The world would be a better place if intelligence was taken out our lexicon.

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#150

Had a few days to process a lot of the things popping up. I think it’s too much for me. I met with my therapist the other day. After talking to him I realized that’s wayyyy too many subliminal inputs to juggle and it’s kind of chaotic. It was like bringing up a bunch of issues all at once but none of them were prioritized enough. I saw in that moment how many branching paths of improvement there were and I had no idea which one to prioritize. If that was my conscious understanding no doubt my subconscious was 10x more confused. The irony is this was probably brought on by the homeostasis module in my custom lol.

One of my fears is missing out on key parts of necessary parts of growth for me. All the titles are so appealing to stack, but in practical application I really think I do better with 1. Even something as tool focused as AoH is a lot to dissect and apply to my life.

So moving forward just my seductress name embed. The more I think about it I am HORRIBLE at task switching, so it makes sense why 1 at a time is better for me. Hell, inside one sub is a bunch of tasks or action taking points already. I’m sure seductress is packed and I’m only running 30s. I’d rather expand on that.

So I’ve realized a sign of taking on too much from subs can manifest as hopelessness interestingly enough. If too much is presented at once it’s much easier for me to get overwhelmed and depressed at the fact I have so much to work through. This mirrors a pattern I experience in my day to day. I’ve been trying to extrapolate experiences that I’m consciously aware of and apply that to my subconscious because the two experiences aren’t that different.

#151

I’m not happy. After running AoH for a bit I really realized I’m not lacking in my ability to appreciate the small moments and enjoy things. It’s the big picture and my place in the world. I’ve gotten pretty good at creating little pockets of joy. It’s not a skill issue, it’s as it always has been the things I need to heal and overcome so they don’t reflect in the outside world.

Some things I’m focused on

  • Feeling like i have choice and exercising that choice
  • Not being taken advantage of by people and society
  • prioritizing the things that are important to me like my music
  • finding a way to live my own life without being sucked into the cult of capitalism

One of the most messed up things I’ve realized about myself. When there isn’t enough prioritization of myself, taking care of my needs, standing firm with what works for me, there’s this obligation that appears. A guilt that says, how dare you focus so much on yourself what about other people? What about your career? What about your status? What about your usefulness in the world? I’m like an all you can eat buffet for people and things that want to exploit me.

I start my new job tomorrow and I have so much anxiety today. I have a combination of anger, sadness, and fear. I’m anxious about my performance at the job. But I’m also incredibly angry that I even have to go through this fear and my self worth still gets wrapped up in this crap. I have tried so hard with therapy, positive self talk, subliminals, but noooooo I still have this reaction to perceived authority figures. And I say perceived because short of firing me, they don’t dictate my life. And yet when I’m in these situations I have to constantly stop my fawning behavior. It’s exhausting.