Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#161

Working on setting intentions every day. Real intentions though. Like prioritize myself and don’t let anybody make me feel like I have to put that aside.

I’ve realized why seductress is so difficult for me. After I run a loop I noticed my body image issues spike pretty hard. Like today when I was in the office and walking around I felt really ugly. But then I went to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror and it wasn’t as bad. Sometimes my body just feels wrong or uncomfortable.

I feel like these have to be purged before I feel good about myself otherwise I’m trying to slap a bandaid over everything and trick myself into liking the way I look and I don’t like that because it can fall apart.

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#162

I also realized something today. This new job I’m at, I’m still building skills but they’re kinda niche. I’m like “oh no I’ll be locked in, I have to remain up to date, I have to skill up, etc”. You know, that constant grind mentality. I’m thinking to myself now, use this as a break. Give yourself a bit of stability while dropping that whole “you need to be more skilled, valuable, knowledgeable, etc” rhetoric.

The advancement in life will come when it comes. Growing my self worth, confidence, and cultivating more of a growth mindset will pay me back 1000x more than working towards a certification in cloud engineering.

Also honestly fuck this system for constantly making people struggle financially and then continually gaslight them about why.

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#163

Ran 15s cuz I wanted to test. Nope. Wasn’t ready for any of this. Untouchable seems to really be helping me drill down and help me understand the difficulties I face. But goddamn did it really amplify that feeling of being an other or outsider. I had a situation today with another person that just triggered a whole mental breakdown for me I still haven’t recovered from.

Today wasn’t a good day. And lesson learned. At this point in time running seductress before going out in public is a guaranteed way of ruining my day.

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#164

Had to take a few days off to recover from a lot that was brought up. Lots of recon.

But I’m glad I added untouchable because I’m seeing how it’s bringing up blocks that have been preventing the goals of seductress.

Had a dream last night, a pretty lucid one. I was in front of a mirror trying to get my body to change. But it masculinized instead despite all my best efforts. I think that’s a pretty good representation of what I’ve been going through so it makes sense.

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#165

Still on 10s of seductress. I’m going to be going down to 5 secs and see what that brings up.

Beyond just being attractive and whatnot. This title really has me think about my place in the world. I struggle with so much. When people are like “my life is great” it doesn’t even register in my head. I don’t even know how to get there. It’s frustrating because I want to advance my life and do something for myself, but I don’t even know what. I’m just existing and surviving and it’s getting old really quick.

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#166

Been doing a lot of digging lately into why life is so difficult for me. One thing I stumbled on had to do with how difficult I make things for myself by constantly setting ridiculous expectations and the thoughts I have about myself.

Take growth for example. Growth has never been a celebration. If anything it’s always been a trigger for the thoughts and feelings I’m not good enough. Whenever I grow it’s always “it’s not a big deal, people are already doing this and they never even struggled with it to begin with”. I see my need to grow as an inherent failure on my part.

Soooo clearly that’s a problem because living as a human is nothing but growth and mistakes and learning. I pretty much have pain for existing as a human being.

But it’s like whyyyyy do I have to retrain my brain and change my habits just to get the basic beginner package of being a human being? I’m tired. I wish I could throw it all out and just be messy and not care, but something doesn’t let me.

I feel like engaging in self improvement just hurts a lot. It just activates that painful wound in me. And then I want to avoid it because who wants to feel like crap? Then of course I don’t grow because I’m avoiding, rinse and repeat.

Every time I crack open a book or read about proven strategies to feel better it’s like love yourself, show yourself compassion, allow yourself to make mistakes, accept yourself and I just have this visceral reaction of :face_vomiting:

It’s gotten to the point where I think this stuff is more self harm than self help. My recent foray was a book on growth mindset. How could that possibly be harmful right? Well I’m about a 1/4 of the way into the book and it’s mostly the author praising people with growth mindsets. And I’m sitting here thinking, ok so you think fixed mindset mentality is terrible for people yet you put these people who have a growth mindset who didn’t do anything for it on a pedestal. The exact goddamn thing you write about being wrong to do. And unintentionally you send the message, “hey if you were only like THESE people with their wonderful growth mindsets you wouldn’t be such a miserable person”. Thanks, let me go get my stupid bootstraps to pull myself up into a growth mindset.

And do I turn away from the book? Trust my instincts and know what’s good for my mental health? No of course not! I force myself to continue because not finishing the book would be me giving up, not giving it a try, being pessimistic, negative, etc. Anything and everything except trust my own feelings. Never again with books that claim to know the “one true way”.

#167

Well this is interesting, the goal with 5 secs was less recon. Which I sort of achieved? I’m not getting the inner tension and this sensation of fighting something back. But I am crazy emotional today.

It’s like there’s always been this flood of awful stuff I tell myself but I distance myself from it and at the same time it still exists in the background. Now it’s all flooding to the surface. I’ve lived most my life trying to distance myself from it all and instill more positivity and it always felt fake as hell like I was lying. Just trying to pave over the hurt and pain because at one point I decided enough was enough and I just needed to get over it because I’ve wasted too much time trying to heal.

Looking back on it now. I didn’t give myself enough time or patience. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I just needed understanding. I constantly compared myself to others under the assumption we were on an equal sort of footing. I cut off my growth and healing because I had different needs. The expression of being a little different, struggling with other things some don’t, that was enough to trigger a self defeating cycle of assuming I was making stuff up, exaggerating, or holding onto being in pain. Anything except needing more support and understanding.

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#168

One thing I overlooked. This name embed is in flac. Flac definitely is stronger for me. So the 5 secs makes sense. I also learned to only run this towards the end of the day. Work was really difficult today and I was insanely tired because I was trying to learn new things for my job while simultaneously processing my deeper emotions and experience of life. That in itself triggers a lot of recon because it’s like “why am I here? Why is this my life? I don’t know what I’m doing”.

Things have been really difficult. Between this new job, my already kind of poor ability to keep up with things like cooking and cleaning, and my struggles with my appearance I’m really battling to make it through the week and I wish I wasn’t.

I’ve been feeling like quitting this sub and just focusing on stabilizing myself. But I promised myself that I would run it for at least 3 months. It’s hard when I enter this transition point with a sub where it feels like I’m worse off vs improving.

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#169

I am struggling right now not to add another title to my stack to “help”. But more than likely it’s a distraction from my mind and procrastination saying “you need this title to start execution of this title better” and that’s complete nonsense. I’m getting better at this, commit to one and only one sub.

Today’s insights, I can be physically relaxed but completely dissociated from my body at the same time. Which has made me realize I need to put less focus on relaxation and more focus on awareness of what I’m feeling. Basically do my best to not tense up, but at the same time don’t make relaxation the primary goal. Cuz I think what happens is i get deeper into body awareness and realize just how much tension I have and think I’m doing something wrong so try to relax more. But that’s me pulling the opposite way into dissociation.

I did this tonight and it was difficult to stay with it. But i felt some weird sensations in my stomach and it moved up to my chest. My boobs got all tingly and sensitive, like there might have been a hormonal shift. So maybe I unblocked something and executed some of the scripting, idk. Weird experience for sure.

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#170

I’ve been having really rough sleep the past week. Toss and turning. It seems like my mind doesn’t want to go into a deep sleep because then I’ll have to start a new day. Which makes no logical sense but :woman_shrugging:

Still on my steady climb with seductress. Today was a rest day and I didn’t notice quite as much recon. But I’m also adjusting my med dosage/frequency and I may have been less able to process the sub when I had my anxiety spiking.

I haven’t written any music lately too tired. But I might try to put something together soon. Been getting a creative urge.

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#171

So something I’m noticing is I’m in this sort of halfway point in terms of expression. The difference between putting on makeup to feel better vs putting on makeup because it’s fun self expression. I told myself to only do stuff that brings me joy vs stress. I’m trying to find my own self expression and style, how I want to show up in the world and not compare myself to others.

I’m sad because I feel like I’m not showing up in the world in a way that matches my inner state. But at the same time I don’t really know what that is. So it’s like wanting this intangible thing, but not knowing how to get there. It’s frustrating. It’s like a blossoming self concept of myself but it hasn’t made it out into the world yet. Slowly it’s taking shape, but sloooooowly.

I think what hinders me the most is I asked myself the other day, what do you want? Who do you want to be? And it’s just blank. I had this concept of the archetype for seductress and I’m starting to realize I was just trying to push myself into something that would give me validation from others. And that’s the exact opposite of what I should be cultivating for myself.

I will say though, do I want attention from men? Yes. Do I want to feel hot and attractive and turn heads? Also yes. And I’m afraid of just allowing that. Why? Well because on some level it just doesn’t feel safe to engage in. Now it makes sense why I can only tolerate 5 secs, there’s a huge blockage around this I have to get through.

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#172

I’m realizing good days come and go and I can’t just coast on those as a boost to keep me moving forward. I will face uncertainty, have doubts, not know what to do, feel forever lost, feel like I’m not doing enough. I’ll feel those things because I know those are my patterns

I seem to always tell myself I should be more confident, I should be less anxious, I should feel more relaxed and at ease. And I’m not and that’s fine. I am where I am and dealing with what I need to deal with. Hoping I’m somewhere else does nothing.

There are aspects of reality I’ve never experienced. Can’t even conceptualize or imagine in my head as being my reality. I know they are there because other people live them. But I haven’t. And I’m not talking about events, places, or people. I’m talking about mindsets, paths, chaining sequences of events.

I just run the subs, do the work, and hope I can get there. That’s all I can do. I understand the importance of action. But action is difficult when you don’t even know what you’re living for.

#173

Reading some old old journals when I used to run UA. It reminded me of how much progress I made with my music. I haven’t been able to sit down and write for a few months now. Makes me sad because it’s turned into this stressful thing where I feel like I can fail.

I think when I get back from my break I’m gonna add vibes to my stack. I said I was only gonna do one sub but I don’t like how my music has kept slipping away from me.

#174

Nevermind. I just looked at the objectives of stage 1 and realized I don’t need all that right now. Just need less pressure on myself and to get in there and create. I know seductress is bringing that up, probably why I started gravitating towards vibes. But I need to stay focused.

#175

So I’m going to finish my 5 day rest period tomorrow. I feel worse during this break period. Not like I’m working through anything, but more like the absence of the momentum I felt I was on for a bit. Also feeling like quitting this sub altogether.

I think for me the recon gets so bad because I can only do so much. I can buy clothes for myself, get my hair done, do a little makeup. But I still very much don’t have the body I’m comfortable with. I struggle with my voice too, despite trying to train that I got called sir over the phone at my job multiple times yesterday.

I just don’t know what more I can do. It’s all gotten to be too much for me and I just want to feel good about myself.

#176

Ran 10s of Seductress this morning to see if I could move up from 5s.

Asked myself if I constantly tell myself I’m unattractive so I can’t be disappointed by the outside world telling it to me.

Given my pattern of behavior over the years this kind of tracks for my “beat them to the punch” mentality where I inflict harm on myself before others can.

Sorta like how I anticipate things going wrong to be prepared for when thing go wrong.

I don’t know how to fix that honestly. I guess awareness is a good first step so I’m not blindly believing something that may not be true.

#177

Im getting to a point where I just want to leave behind the old and be someone new. I don’t want to keep living my life and seeing constant reminders of what I’m not in other people. I don’t want to keep telling myself, that’s not me or that I’m confined to this small circle of expression that I’ve come to understand as “me”.

Recently I’ve come to terms with the fact that I didn’t get a chance to develop into myself. So really there’s nothing there to uncover, it’s just a lot of trauma and disjointed internal perception of who I am. The continual look inward to find something that’s not there.

The path forward is about giving myself the space and freedom to explore to find out who I am. But I can’t do that if I constantly refer back to “me”. A stacked set of limitations and trauma in a trenchcoat pretending to be a person.

I’m adding Phoenix to my stack moving forward.

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#178

Running Phoenix my first thought was “what if my life gets destabilized?” Then I thought to myself, what life? No seriously how could breaking up the monotony of my current existence be any worse than the stuck pattern I’ve been in?

Something in my clicked the other day. I just want to be an entirely different version of myself.

I noticed spontaneously my mind going back to early years of childhood and replacing memories with things I wished happened for me. Then feeling this overwhelming sense of emotional release like I was allowed to process those things.

Replacing memories always felt dishonest to me. But I see that they’re sort of like relational reference points for me. So if they don’t serve me they just reinforce the things that cause me pain.

#179

I currently have 1450 likes on bumble, whenever I run seductress it seems like more flood in lol.

It’s a major bummer though because I can’t tell who’s actually interested in me vs just swiping on everything. I haven’t had the confidence to sift through them.

But unrelated to that I’ve been making my way through my older journals. Really odd that I read entries today that I was thinking about 2 days ago. Some stuff I also posted that I already mentioned in the past.

The thing for me is it seems like I never actually broke out of some core things. But overall I’ve read my older journals and I’m pretty proud of myself. Knowing what I know now, what I fought to overcome and work through, it’s obvious I had a lot more going on than I initially thought. Things I read that I was so confused about and then learning about trauma and cptsd it really all came together.

There’s an expanding awareness of my life today. It hurts but I feel like I can hold space for it. It’s not that I’ve never had happiness. I definitely have had moments. But when I look at the average over everything? There’s a lack of contentment, it’s this uneasy feeling and disbelief that I was able to go so long struggling and being unhappy. Worst of all it became normal.

One thing I know I’m healing from and I can feel it. This shame growing up of wanting to be a girl when I was younger. It’s not even that I kept it a secret and acknowledged it, more like it existed and the shame constantly pushed it away. I felt if I was anything other than what my parents wanted they wouldn’t love me anymore. So it was risk the worst abandonment possible or try to make it work and ignore my feelings. I still have pain from that choice.

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#180

Wooops ran this stack the wrong way. Forgot you’re not supposed to listen to both.

Oh well.

Bumped listening time to 15s.

Keep getting misgendered on the phone at my job. Sucks, makes this job harder for me.

Still super anxious at times when I don’t know something. Or dealing with people who expect me to know it. I’m trying to calm that reaction at work. When people get upset, irritated, or frustrated with me it’s a huge trigger.

It’s also a lot of multitasking which I kind of suck at. But it’s been getting better. Way better than when I first started and was terrified of talking on the phone with customers.

Just the usual fears coming up. Getting fired, making too many mistakes, yelled at by people, etc.

I had an issue today where an order number didn’t show up in the warehouse system where tracking numbers are held. Then luckily a coworker helped me out on that. Just frustrating because I follow the procedures and then it’s not there, but I’m the one that has to talk to the customer and potentially deal with them getting upset. It shouldn’t matter that much, I shouldn’t get so anxious about that. But i really do and it’s hard to not have it effect me.