Custom HoT + Seductress

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#181

Well that was a horrible experience. I was stressed from work yesterday and should have listened to my body because I ran the subs anyway and gave myself a migraine. Which then carried through my work day, I wanted to sleep and cry at the same time at my desk today. Slept in my car on my lunch break, came back and had a red bull, I have survived.

Ive been feeling better about how I look. Also my hair has been cooperating which is nice. I actually had a funny moment at work yesterday. I was eating lunch in the cafeteria and a single beam of sunlight surrounded me and someone else in the office said I look radiant and beautiful and it was meant to be with the lighting lol. Just a fun lil manifestation

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#182

Been feeling more bubbly lately too. At my core I’m pretty feminine. I still struggle to present that to the world. I want to be free like that though. I just feel like the outside doesn’t match the inner and it makes me self conscious to express that.

I feel like I’m slowly getting somewhere though. I just want to feel beautiful regardless of what anyone thinks.

#183

I’m still going through older journals, starting from the very beginning. I saw an entry about listening to subs for 8hrs at work lol. I think sometimes I forget to appreciate how much results I get out of 15s vs 8 hrs back then.

I’ve been feeling better but also kinda crappy. My apartment is a mess and I don’t have a plan for my life. And I’m just thinking to myself maybe I just need to keep running seductress, give myself stability, and see what develops organically. I mean fuck it, I have a job and a place to live and food, I’m doing ok.

#184

Screwed up at my job today, but I felt kind of empowered too.

So I told a customer I couldn’t give a reasonable time frame on a repair in good conscience because I was told parts aren’t available. Later on my supervisor told me to not include those details because it makes the company look bad. I told him for the sake of the customer they deserve transparency as trying to smooth over customer interactions with little white lies can stack into a huge conflict down the road.

But it got me thinking. I’m not going to cover for this company’s errors or poor logistics. When companies are like “don’t say x because it makes us look bad” it’s like newsflash you are bad, own it. Just because you cover it up with fluffy language doesn’t make it any less true. And yes I don’t see that as good customer service, I see it as being dishonest to the customer to save face.

You’re either providing good service or you aren’t. And if you aren’t figure out why. If you know the why and don’t bother correcting it, yeah that’s a you problem not me.

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#185

I am this way too. Always being too blunt to let others know the reason of a problem. The way I see it it’s a fact and it’s the truth so hiding not to mention lying about it is never my reflex. I had to learn to bite my tongue and learn even harder the “art of telling” and be very aware when I said something.

Plus we are customers too and we experienced first hand how frustrating it is of not getting to bottom of an issue and instead we got a reply that danced around the bushes. You are spot on on your company, it is the problem.

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#186

Transparency and honesty is always appreciated as a customer, that’s a significant factor that makes the company look good, owning mistakes and errors goes a long way for company image.

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#187

One thing I hope for with my growth and what I’m trying to achieve. Find MY way.

I am burdened every day by not feeling intelligent enough, social enough, attractive enough, financially well off enough, or skillful enough. Then it all circles around like a torturous ride and leads me right back to the paths that benefits others and not me. I am tired of this. I am tired of a life of being a slave to others.

And on top of that. Visibly I stand out because I’m trans. I am dragged into the spotlight whether I like it or not. I have no other choice. And this artificially limits my life even further.

And the weird part is I’ve noticed some people just want to pretend discrimination doesn’t happen or it’s a mindset issue. Some people can feel so uncomfortable with acknowledging harsh truths they’d rather just deny things exist. But that doesn’t make it go away. And I will speak openly about and with confidence, I’m not going to feel like a burden or feel silenced for being part of a marginalized group of individuals. I’ve internalized a lot of that and I’m still working on removing it.

But I am proud of myself. I lost a job, found a new one making 55k which isn’t much but I do this on my own. Against all odds, without much social support around me, I’m surviving. I don’t think I give myself enough credit for how much I’ve pulled through for myself alone. I’m a strong person. I can acknowledge that now.

Other events. My friend gave me an art easel for free. I picked up a really cheap acrylic paint set today. I stopped by a local coffee shop too and chatted with the owner for a bit. It was nice, not something I usually do. But anyway I decided to pick up painting with no real intent of being good at it, just pure expression. It’s going to be my relaxing hobby where I don’t have to worry about getting better. I’ve missed art and creating, it’s just nice sometimes to channel something and materialize it into the physical. I never really got into it in any structured way or if I did it killed the joy of it.

Things feel a little better lately, trying to keep building on that

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#188

Welcome to the acrylic painting circle :fire:

Consists of people too scared to try oils :face_with_hand_over_mouth:

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#189

Lmao I feel attacked

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#190

I listened to 30s of seductress yesterday. I am feeling like a baddie today. Like fierce. Consequences be damned I speak my mind, that’s what I’m feeling.

I think this is the sweet spot I never understood. Like I feel good. There’s def recon. I cried pretty spontaneously last night but I just feel more internally powerful. What’s weird is at the lower exposure I seemed to get more recon than results and hitting 30s it’s almost the same amount of recon but way better results. Not sure how that works.

Today even my therapist was surprised at what I was saying and how I was saying it. I’m putting myself first, fucking finally. I don’t feel guilty about prioritizing myself over this job I have in all ways. And I’m ready to defend that in whatever way I can so people don’t push those boundaries.

I decided to stop taking Vyvanse this week to see how I function without it. I realized that it was benefiting the company, but I was crashing at the end of the day and my sleep was getting wrecked. And I’m like if my work has to take a hit for me to be happy, so be it, I’m the most important thing in my life.

I don’t know if this is Phoenix too or just upping the exposure. But I just feel good. Maybe it’s the untouchable module kicking in too. Cuz that’s how I feel, I’m not gonna get dragged down by all this toxic bs in society

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#191

Took another rest day before running Phoenix.

I don’t know how to articulate this but I’ll do my best. Sometimes it feels like I’m getting by ok and then in moments of quiet or lack of doing anything I’ll be hit with this awareness of my life. And it invites a mild panic.

It’s a familiar feeling, one I’ve felt my entire life. Looking at it and unpacking it, I think it’s just the mismatch between my mind and body. I got by so many years by ignoring that. Learning to ignore it and my own feelings on it. Now that I am acknowledging it and feeling it and trying to navigate it, I realize that this is just such a monumental task that takes up my brain power.

I’m a year and a half into my transition now. Progress is really slow. I’m hoping running the new regeneration can lower my stress a bit so my body can blossom. I know some of these difficulties I face have an adverse effect on physical shifting in general.

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