Been feeling more bubbly lately too. At my core I’m pretty feminine. I still struggle to present that to the world. I want to be free like that though. I just feel like the outside doesn’t match the inner and it makes me self conscious to express that.
I feel like I’m slowly getting somewhere though. I just want to feel beautiful regardless of what anyone thinks.
I’m still going through older journals, starting from the very beginning. I saw an entry about listening to subs for 8hrs at work lol. I think sometimes I forget to appreciate how much results I get out of 15s vs 8 hrs back then.
I’ve been feeling better but also kinda crappy. My apartment is a mess and I don’t have a plan for my life. And I’m just thinking to myself maybe I just need to keep running seductress, give myself stability, and see what develops organically. I mean fuck it, I have a job and a place to live and food, I’m doing ok.
Screwed up at my job today, but I felt kind of empowered too.
So I told a customer I couldn’t give a reasonable time frame on a repair in good conscience because I was told parts aren’t available. Later on my supervisor told me to not include those details because it makes the company look bad. I told him for the sake of the customer they deserve transparency as trying to smooth over customer interactions with little white lies can stack into a huge conflict down the road.
But it got me thinking. I’m not going to cover for this company’s errors or poor logistics. When companies are like “don’t say x because it makes us look bad” it’s like newsflash you are bad, own it. Just because you cover it up with fluffy language doesn’t make it any less true. And yes I don’t see that as good customer service, I see it as being dishonest to the customer to save face.
You’re either providing good service or you aren’t. And if you aren’t figure out why. If you know the why and don’t bother correcting it, yeah that’s a you problem not me.
I am this way too. Always being too blunt to let others know the reason of a problem. The way I see it it’s a fact and it’s the truth so hiding not to mention lying about it is never my reflex. I had to learn to bite my tongue and learn even harder the “art of telling” and be very aware when I said something.
Plus we are customers too and we experienced first hand how frustrating it is of not getting to bottom of an issue and instead we got a reply that danced around the bushes. You are spot on on your company, it is the problem.
Transparency and honesty is always appreciated as a customer, that’s a significant factor that makes the company look good, owning mistakes and errors goes a long way for company image.
One thing I hope for with my growth and what I’m trying to achieve. Find MY way.
I am burdened every day by not feeling intelligent enough, social enough, attractive enough, financially well off enough, or skillful enough. Then it all circles around like a torturous ride and leads me right back to the paths that benefits others and not me. I am tired of this. I am tired of a life of being a slave to others.
And on top of that. Visibly I stand out because I’m trans. I am dragged into the spotlight whether I like it or not. I have no other choice. And this artificially limits my life even further.
And the weird part is I’ve noticed some people just want to pretend discrimination doesn’t happen or it’s a mindset issue. Some people can feel so uncomfortable with acknowledging harsh truths they’d rather just deny things exist. But that doesn’t make it go away. And I will speak openly about and with confidence, I’m not going to feel like a burden or feel silenced for being part of a marginalized group of individuals. I’ve internalized a lot of that and I’m still working on removing it.
But I am proud of myself. I lost a job, found a new one making 55k which isn’t much but I do this on my own. Against all odds, without much social support around me, I’m surviving. I don’t think I give myself enough credit for how much I’ve pulled through for myself alone. I’m a strong person. I can acknowledge that now.
Other events. My friend gave me an art easel for free. I picked up a really cheap acrylic paint set today. I stopped by a local coffee shop too and chatted with the owner for a bit. It was nice, not something I usually do. But anyway I decided to pick up painting with no real intent of being good at it, just pure expression. It’s going to be my relaxing hobby where I don’t have to worry about getting better. I’ve missed art and creating, it’s just nice sometimes to channel something and materialize it into the physical. I never really got into it in any structured way or if I did it killed the joy of it.
Things feel a little better lately, trying to keep building on that
Welcome to the acrylic painting circle 
Consists of people too scared to try oils 
Lmao I feel attacked
I listened to 30s of seductress yesterday. I am feeling like a baddie today. Like fierce. Consequences be damned I speak my mind, that’s what I’m feeling.
I think this is the sweet spot I never understood. Like I feel good. There’s def recon. I cried pretty spontaneously last night but I just feel more internally powerful. What’s weird is at the lower exposure I seemed to get more recon than results and hitting 30s it’s almost the same amount of recon but way better results. Not sure how that works.
Today even my therapist was surprised at what I was saying and how I was saying it. I’m putting myself first, fucking finally. I don’t feel guilty about prioritizing myself over this job I have in all ways. And I’m ready to defend that in whatever way I can so people don’t push those boundaries.
I decided to stop taking Vyvanse this week to see how I function without it. I realized that it was benefiting the company, but I was crashing at the end of the day and my sleep was getting wrecked. And I’m like if my work has to take a hit for me to be happy, so be it, I’m the most important thing in my life.
I don’t know if this is Phoenix too or just upping the exposure. But I just feel good. Maybe it’s the untouchable module kicking in too. Cuz that’s how I feel, I’m not gonna get dragged down by all this toxic bs in society
Took another rest day before running Phoenix.
I don’t know how to articulate this but I’ll do my best. Sometimes it feels like I’m getting by ok and then in moments of quiet or lack of doing anything I’ll be hit with this awareness of my life. And it invites a mild panic.
It’s a familiar feeling, one I’ve felt my entire life. Looking at it and unpacking it, I think it’s just the mismatch between my mind and body. I got by so many years by ignoring that. Learning to ignore it and my own feelings on it. Now that I am acknowledging it and feeling it and trying to navigate it, I realize that this is just such a monumental task that takes up my brain power.
I’m a year and a half into my transition now. Progress is really slow. I’m hoping running the new regeneration can lower my stress a bit so my body can blossom. I know some of these difficulties I face have an adverse effect on physical shifting in general.
Wow I got hit with recon out of nowhere. Well maybe not nowhere. I’ve been doing a modified pigeon pose to help release my hips and it can be very emotionally overwhelming.
I think I’m going to try every 2 days at 30s for a bit. Every other day might be a bit much.
I did some deep introspection and my fears about not being able to change my body enough. And I decided to just hold in my mind that I can get my desired body. I don’t have to limit myself to what I already have or what genetics will dictate. It’s going to take some time before I solidify that mentality but I think in the long run it’ll serve me better than constantly worrying about what’s possible vs not.
Aside from that since bumping seductress to 30s I’ve been getting better with some looks makeup wise. And it just feels really natural to do it. And I look in the mirror and feel cute. I was looking at myself in the mirror today and it just felt good. It was just nice being able to smile at myself.
It made me realize I still suppress a lot of myself. Body or not, every day I hold back myself is one more day on this earth I deny my right to exist. I’m working through this shame of being feminine. There’s a very strong inner sensation that wants to express itself outward, but I have a tendency to tighten up and clamp down. Working on helping myself feel safe so I can express my authentic self more.
Regeneration already helping me bring things up.
Make a mistake get yelled at or shamed. So basic, so simple, but it exists in me as a reactive nerve ready to fire off in all kinds of scenarios.
I had a customer today towards the end of my shift start getting bossy with me. She was like you need to do this, you need to make it better, this is unacceptable. Basically I was getting heat for a product I didn’t even design. And that stands out to me because here I was just someone trying to provide support and now I’m made to feel shame that I’m not doing a good enough job for her expectations of the company itself. It has nothing to do with me yet I react as if it does.
These are the types of situations I need erased. I understand I will still get them, but it would be nice not to fall into a full trauma response and have part of my day ruined.
I’m happy I can feel without guilt. As insane as that sounds. Regen is bringing that about. No worrying that I’m not being positive enough or that I’ll be forever stuck in feeling upset if I allow it.
It’s been really hard lately. I know I don’t really fit in sometimes and that got to my head. It made me even more self conscious about not fitting in. And then today I told myself to just be myself. People who want to know you will and those with no interest won’t. Gaslighting myself into trying to believe most people have no issues with my being trans was a losing battle because I was still putting my peace in the hands of others and if they were nice or not. It’s easier to just accept that as I move through life I choose who I want in my circle.
Been thinking about my run of seductress lately. With the physical shifting in this I really wanted to try to alter my appearance so I felt more comfortable.
My gender dysphoria has gotten stronger lately. It’s harder to ignore or tune out the physical features that cause me distress. I wanted to see if I could change all this without surgery. But at the same time it’s like, I’m not sure I can keep waiting in hopes it does change.
People always talk about accepting how you look and learning to love your appearance. And that’s just hard for me because there’s a mismatch. So I’m doing my best to embrace myself but at the same time there’s only so far I can go before none of this inner talk does anything to alleviate the discomfort.
Idk. I just wish there was a better way instead of surgery. Maybe I’ll get a consult and then use that as a point of focus for the physical shifting. But again, the question is how far can I actually go with the subs alone and how much time am I going to spend on this when I could potentially get relief faster through another means.
I reached out to a friend yesterday and she helped me feel better. I’m going to keep going with physical shifting from the sub for a non invasive method of body change.
I ran 1 min of Regen and seductress, gonna see how this goes.
I’m still closed off with other people in my life about my struggles. But when I opened up to her I asked her for the truth and wanted to make sure she wasn’t lying to make me feel better. She said I looked good.
My therapist also said that I’m closer to my goals than I realize. But he’s my therapist so grain of salt with that one right? But it feels other people see something I can’t in the mirror. People can tell me I look feminine and like a woman and I just feel suspicious of that.
It’s like I know we can’t ever have a definitive understanding of what others see but I just want to know if what I’m seeing is accurate. I already know how much my perception of myself changes based on my own internal thoughts. Am I even seeing myself in a clear way or am I distorting it? What’s optimistic cope vs a real phenomenon of being insecure about parts of me that people don’t notice?
It drives me crazy. I honestly haven’t been misgendered, but I never know if it’s just people being nice or I do come across as a woman.
Haven’t wrote about stuff like that in a while. I feel like there’s just something here. Like I’m stuck, like internally I haven’t caught up to my exterior. I feel stuck in limbo and at the same time I’m missing the pieces that makes me feel like this bridge is crossed and I can feel relief. I would just like to know how to get there.
Weird as soon as I posted that a book crossed paths with me that I bought. And this is the intro page.
1 min of seductress seems to have kicked up some stuff in me.
There’s a lot of shame around sex and for the life of me I don’t understand where it came from.
But it is really distressing having all this sexual energy come up with seductress then feeling bad about it.
Up to 2 minutes on both these titles now. Going to make note of it in the journal in case I have some really bad recon.
Since running regeneration I’m getting more determined to keep going with loop exposure to get to my real sweet spot. I’m beginning to suspect there’s been this sort of fear that keeps me just below the threshold of growth. Changes in my life and improvements, but still not tapping into the core stuff.
I need to keep going deeper. I definitely have had some episodes of crying. Today I went out to my car during lunch and I closed my eyes and I just felt this isolated feeling and being alone. And then I was like dum dum you do this to yourself. Sure it hurts and you deserve compassion, but you need to acknowledge your role in always pushing people away out of fear.
I’ve struggled with relationships all my life. I just don’t think I had good ones modeled to me. So it feels like I don’t understand what it is I’m supposed to look out for, expect, ask about when I need it, etc. It makes me anxious and afraid because I feel like I can do something wrong and have people leave. And most of the time instead of that sort of anxious energy showing up, I just close down or give up. It’s just been easier to remain closed off and know what to expect vs taking chances or have to determine if someone is safe enough.
I really want to change that. Sometimes I worry that the friendships or relationships I see with others aren’t that great. That they are nice to have, but they aren’t the support system that therapists and other people advise on. Then again, maybe I’ve just never felt that and it doesn’t feel real to me.
2 minutes was a mistake 
I’m probably gonna go back to 1 min. My day was so difficult. I had a headache, I was foggy brained, and I felt like I needed to cry but couldn’t get away from my desk at work.
But I was at the store and someone complimented my outfit. It made my day.
Other than that I feel like I was on the verge of a breakthrough yesterday and then I kinda clogged up the processing queue with that 2 minutes. So I might give it a few days.
I’ve been feeling safer and sort of cozy which is nice. But at the same time the days pass me by and I feel like there’s something wrong with life. One thing that keeps popping up is my desire to write music. My issue is I still find it really difficult to just write. I get stuck a lot, things don’t work, I don’t know how to write the rest, etc. It’s like this raw creative energy and I wish I could just channel it into the music, but making music frustrates me because the vision doesn’t match up or I can’t articulate it well enough.
I’ve been listening to drum and bass again. I’m definitely getting an itch to create stuff along those lines. It’s like I’m connecting with my appreciation for the music that made me want to create too.
I had off from work today so I slept in. It made me realize how overloaded I was because I was feeling sick again and dehydrated.
But not sure if it’s regen or seductress. I’m tackling a lot of self image issues. A lot of these feelings of wanting to belong and not be ostracized from society. Some of these insecurities fueling my desire to look different or just blend in with people. I also have Untouchable in my seductress name embed so it could be that.
The truth is I never had the courage or confidence to exist in this world as a trans woman. I know this because almost every day is difficult for me. But I knew I couldn’t wait until I was ready to make a change in my life, especially one so important and time sensitive.
I want to grow, I want to change, I want to wake up every day and know in my soul that life feels good. I don’t want to keep trying to convince myself things are ok when they’re not. I know this is regeneration pulling up the real stuff, the thin veneer of positivity I’ve shrink wrapped around my bundle of untouched and unprocessed pain.
I have to be more honest with myself and the people around me.
Lots of feelings today. Lots of complicated feelings. Life feels real and not at the same time. It feels scary. I reflect on the past two months just going to work and coming home and that’s it. No energy for anything else, no building, no real rest because I’m still under stress. Sure the inner spa of regeneration helps, but it’s not a substitute for the deep healing that needs to happen to change all this.
